on her. Again she felt, as a fact without hostility, the sterility of
men, for if she did not do it nobody would do it, and so, giving
herself a little shake that one gives a watch that has stopped, the old
familiar pulse began beating, as the watch begins ticking--one, two,
three, one, two, three. And so on and so on, she repeated, listening
to it, sheltering and fostering the still feeble pulse as one might
guard a weak flame with a news-paper. And so then, she concluded,
addressing herself by bending silently in his direction to William
Bankes--poor man! who had no wife, and no children and dined alone in
lodgings except for tonight; and in pity for him, life being now strong
enough to bear her on again, she began all this business, as a sailor
not without weariness sees the wind fill his sail and yet hardly wants
to be off again and thinks how, had the ship sunk, he would have
whirled round and round and found rest on the floor of the sea.
"Did you find your letters? I told them to put them in the hall for
you," she said to William Bankes.
Lily Briscoe watched her drifting into that strange no-man's land where
to follow people is impossible and yet their going inflicts such a
chill on those who watch them that they always try at least to follow
them with their eyes as one follows a fading ship until the sails have
sunk beneath the horizon.
How old she looks, how worn she looks, Lily thought, and how remote.
Then when she turned to William Bankes, smiling, it was as if the ship
had turned and the sun had struck its sails again, and Lily thought
with some amusement because she was relieved, Why does she pity him?
For that was the impression she gave, when she told him that his
letters were in the hall. Poor William Bankes, she seemed to be
saying, as if her own weariness had been partly pitying people, and the
life in her, her resolve to live again, had been stirred by pity. And
it was not true, Lily thought; it was one of those misjudgments of hers
that seemed to be instinctive and to arise from some need of her own
rather than of other people's. He is not in the least pitiable. He has
his work, Lily said to herself. She remembered, all of a sudden as if
she had found a treasure, that she had her work. In a flash she saw
her picture, and thought, Yes, I shall put the tree further in the
middle; then I shall avoid that awkward space. That's what I shall do.
That's what has been puzzling me. She took up the salt cellar and put
it down again on a flower pattern in the table-cloth, so as to remind
herself to move the tree.
"It's odd that one scarcely gets anything worth having by post, yet one
always wants one's letters," said Mr Bankes.
What damned rot they talk, thought Charles Tansley, laying down his
spoon precisely in the middle of his plate, which he had swept clean,
as if, Lily thought (he sat opposite to her with his back to the window
precisely in the middle of view), he were determined to make sure of
his meals. Everything about him had that meagre fixity, that bare
unloveliness. But nevertheless, the fact remained, it was impossible
to dislike any one if one looked at them. She liked his eyes; they
were blue, deep set, frightening.
"Do you write many letters, Mr Tansley?" asked Mrs Ramsay, pitying him
too, Lily supposed; for that was true of Mrs Ramsay--she pitied men
always as if they lacked something--women never, as if they had
something. He wrote to his mother; otherwise he did not suppose he
wrote one letter a month, said Mr Tansley, shortly.
For he was not going to talk the sort of rot these condescended to by
these silly women. He had been reading in his room, and now he came
down and it all seemed to him silly, superficial, flimsy. Why did they
dress? He had come down in his ordinary clothes. He had not got any
dress clothes. "One never gets anything worth having by post"--that
was the sort of thing they were always saying. They made men say that
sort of thing. Yes, it was pretty well true, he thought. They never
got anything worth having from one year's end to another. They did
nothing but talk, talk, talk, eat, eat, eat. It was the women's fault.
Women made civilisation impossible with all their "charm," all their
silliness.
"No going to the Lighthouse tomorrow, Mrs Ramsay," he said, asserting
himself. He liked her; he admired her; he still thought of the man in
the drain-pipe looking up at her; but he felt it necessary to assert
himself.
He was really, Lily Briscoe thought, in spite of his eyes, but then
look at his nose, look at his hands, the most uncharming human being
she had ever met. Then why did she mind what he said? Women can't
write, women can't paint--what did that matter coming from him, since
clearly it was not true to him but for some reason helpful to him, and
that was why he said it? Why did her whole being bow, like corn under
a wind, and erect itself again from this abasement only with a great
and rather painful effort? She must make it once more. There's the
sprig on the table-cloth; there's my painting; I must move the tree to
the middle; that matters--nothing else. Could she not hold fast to
that, she asked herself, and not lose her temper, and not argue; and if
she wanted revenge take it by laughing at him?
"Oh, Mr Tansley," she said, "do take me to the Lighthouse with you. I
should so love it."
She was telling lies he could see. She was saying what she did not
mean to annoy him, for some reason. She was laughing at him. He was in
his old flannel trousers. He had no others. He felt very rough and
isolated and lonely. He knew that she was trying to tease him for some
reason; she didn't want to go to the Lighthouse with him; she despised
him: so did Prue Ramsay; so did they all. But he was not going to be
made a fool of by women, so he turned deliberately in his chair and
looked out of the window and said, all in a jerk, very rudely, it would
be too rough for her tomorrow. She would be sick.
It annoyed him that she should have made him speak like that, with Mrs
Ramsay listening. If only he could be alone in his room working, he
thought, among his books. That was where he felt at his ease. And he
had never run a penny into debt; he had never cost his father a penny
since he was fifteen; he had helped them at home out of his savings; he
was educating his sister. Still, he wished he had known how to answer
Miss Briscoe properly; he wished it had not come out all in a jerk like
that. "You'd be sick." He wished he could think of something to say to
Mrs Ramsay, something which would show her that he was not just a dry
prig. That was what they all thought him. He turned to her. But Mrs
Ramsay was talking about people he had never heard of to William
Bankes.
"Yes, take it away," she said briefly, interrupting what she was saying
to William Bankes to speak to the maid. "It must have been fifteen--
no, twenty years ago--that I last saw her," she was saying, turning
back to him again as if she could not l
ose a moment of their talk, for
she was absorbed by what they were saying. So he had actually heard
from her this evening! And was Carrie still living at Marlow, and was
everything still the same? Oh, she could remember it as if it were
yesterday--on the river, feeling it as if it were yesterday--going on
the river, feeling very cold. But if the Mannings made a plan they
stuck to it. Never should she forget Herbert killing a wasp with a
teaspoon on the bank! And it was still going on, Mrs Ramsay mused,
gliding like a ghost among the chairs and tables of that drawing-room
on the banks of the Thames where she had been so very, very cold twenty
years ago; but now she went among them like a ghost; and it fascinated
her, as if, while she had changed, that particular day, now become very
still and beautiful, had remained there, all these years. Had Carrie
written to him herself? she asked.
"Yes. She says they're building a new billiard room," he said. No!
No! That was out of the question! Building a new billiard room!
It seemed to her impossible.
Mr Bankes could not see that there was anything very odd about it.
They were very well off now. Should he give her love to Carrie?
"Oh," said Mrs Ramsay with a little start, "No," she added, reflecting
that she did not know this Carrie who built a new billiard room. But
how strange, she repeated, to Mr Bankes's amusement, that they should
be going on there still. For it was extraordinary to think that they
had been capable of going on living all these years when she had not
thought of them more than once all that time. How eventful her own
life had been, during those same years. Yet perhaps Carrie had not
thought about her, either. The thought was strange and distasteful.
"People soon drift apart," said Mr Bankes, feeling, however, some
satisfaction when he thought that after all he knew both the Mannings
and the Ramsays. He had not drifted apart he thought, laying down his
spoon and wiping his clean-shaven lips punctiliously. But perhaps he
was rather unusual, he thought, in this; he never let himself get into
a groove. He had friends in all circles ... Mrs Ramsay had to break
off here to tell the maid something about keeping food hot. That was
why he preferred dining alone. All those interruptions annoyed him.
Well, thought William Bankes, preserving a demeanour of exquisite
courtesy and merely spreading the fingers of his left hand on the
table-cloth as a mechanic examines a tool beautifully polished and
ready for use in an interval of leisure, such are the sacrifices one's
friends ask of one. It would have hurt her if he had refused to come.
But it was not worth it for him. Looking at his hand he thought that
if he had been alone dinner would have been almost over now; he would
have been free to work. Yes, he thought, it is a terrible waste of
time. The children were dropping in still. "I wish one of you would
run up to Roger's room," Mrs Ramsay was saying. How trifling it all
is, how boring it all is, he thought, compared with the other thing--
work. Here he sat drumming his fingers on the table-cloth when he
might have been--he took a flashing bird's-eye view of his work. What
a waste of time it all was to be sure! Yet, he thought, she is one of
my oldest friends. I am by way of being devoted to her. Yet now, at
this moment her presence meant absolutely nothing to him: her beauty
meant nothing to him; her sitting with her little boy at the window--
nothing, nothing. He wished only to be alone and to take up that book.
He felt uncomfortable; he felt treacherous, that he could sit by her
side and feel nothing for her. The truth was that he did not enjoy
family life. It was in this sort of state that one asked oneself, What
does one live for? Why, one asked oneself, does one take all these
pains for the human race to go on? Is it so very desirable? Are we
attractive as a species? Not so very, he thought, looking at those he
supposed. Foolish questions, vain questions, questions one never asked
if one was occupied. Is human life this? Is human life that? One
never had time to think about it. But here he was asking himself that
sort of question, because Mrs Ramsay was giving orders to servants, and
also because it had struck him, thinking how surprised Mrs Ramsay was
that Carrie Manning should still exist, that friendships, even the best
of them, are frail things. One drifts apart. He reproached himself
again. He was sitting beside Mrs Ramsay and he had nothing in the
world to say to her.
"I'm so sorry," said Mrs Ramsy, turning to him at last. He felt rigid
and barren, like a pair of boots that have been soaked and gone dry so
that you can hardly force your feet into them. Yet he must force his
feet into them. He must make himself talk. Unless he were very
careful, she would find out this treachery of his; that he did not care
a straw for her, and that would not be at all pleasant, he thought. So
he bent his head courteously in her direction.
"How you must detest dining in this bear garden," she said, making use,
as she did when she was distracted, of her social manner. So, when
there is a strife of tongues, at some meeting, the chairman, to obtain
unity, suggests that every one shall speak in French. Perhaps it is
bad French; French may not contain the words that express the speaker's
thoughts; nevertheless speaking French imposes some order, some
uniformity. Replying to her in the same language, Mr Bankes said, "No,
not at all," and Mr Tansley, who had no knowledge of this language,
even spoke thus in words of one syllable, at once suspected its
insincerity. They did talk nonsense, he thought, the Ramsays; and he
pounced on this fresh instance with joy, making a note which, one of
these days, he would read aloud, to one or two friends. There, in a
society where one could say what one liked he would sarcastically
describe "staying with the Ramsays" and what nonsense they talked. It
was worth while doing it once, he would say; but not again. The women
bored one so, he would say. Of course Ramsay had dished himself by
marrying a beautiful woman and having eight children. It would shape
itself something like that, but now, at this moment, sitting stuck
there with an empty seat beside him, nothing had shaped itself at all.
It was all in scraps and fragments. He felt extremely, even
physically, uncomfortable. He wanted somebody to give him a chance of
asserting himself. He wanted it so urgently that he fidgeted in his
chair, looked at this person, then at that person, tried to break into
their talk, opened his mouth and shut it again. They were talking
about the fishing industry. Why did no one ask him his opinion? What
did they know about the fishing industry?
Lily Briscoe knew all that. Sitting opposite him, could she not see,
as in an X-ray photograph, the ribs and thigh bones of the young man's
desire to impress himself, lying dark in the mist of his flesh--that
thin mist which convention had laid over his burning desire to break
i
nto the conversation? But, she thought, screwing up her Chinese
eyes, and remembering how he sneered at women, "can't paint, can't
write," why should I help him to relieve himself?
There is a code of behaviour, she knew, whose seventh article (it may
be) says that on occasions of this sort it behoves the woman, whatever
her own occupation might be, to go to the help of the young man
opposite so that he may expose and relieve the thigh bones, the ribs,
of his vanity, of his urgent desire to assert himself; as indeed it is
their duty, she reflected, in her old maidenly fairness, to help us,
suppose the Tube were to burst into flames. Then, she thought, I should
certainly expect Mr Tansley to get me out. But how would it be, she
thought, if neither of us did either of these things? So she sat there
smiling.
"You're not planning to go to the Lighthouse, are you, Lily," said Mrs
Ramsay. "Remember poor Mr Langley; he had been round the world dozens
of times, but he told me he never suffered as he did when my husband
took him there. Are you a good sailor, Mr Tansley?" she asked.
Mr Tansley raised a hammer: swung it high in air; but realising, as it
descended, that he could not smite that butterfly with such an
instrument as this, said only that he had never been sick in his life.
But in that one sentence lay compact, like gunpowder, that his
grandfather was a fisherman; his father a chemist; that he had worked
his way up entirely himself; that he was proud of it; that he was
Charles Tansley--a fact that nobody there seemed to realise; but one of
these days every single person would know it. He scowled ahead of him.
He could almost pity these mild cultivated people, who would be blown
sky high, like bales of wool and barrels of apples, one of these days
by the gunpowder that was in him.
"Will you take me, Mr Tansley?" said Lily, quickly, kindly, for, of
course, if Mrs Ramsay said to her, as in effect she did, "I am
drowning, my dear, in seas of fire. Unless you apply some balm to the
anguish of this hour and say something nice to that young man there,
life will run upon the rocks--indeed I hear the grating and the
growling at this minute. My nerves are taut as fiddle strings.
Another touch and they will snap"--when Mrs Ramsay said all this, as
the glance in her eyes said it, of course for the hundred and fiftieth
time Lily Briscoe had to renounce the experiment--what happens if one
is not nice to that young man there--and be nice.
Judging the turn in her mood correctly--that she was friendly to him
now--he was relieved of his egotism, and told her how he had been
thrown out of a boat when he was a baby; how his father used to fish
him out with a boat-hook; that was how he had learnt to swim. One of
his uncles kept the light on some rock or other off the Scottish coast,
he said. He had been there with him in a storm. This was said loudly
in a pause. They had to listen to him when he said that he had been
with his uncle in a lighthouse in a storm. Ah, thought Lily Briscoe,
as the conversation took this auspicious turn, and she felt Mrs
Ramsay's gratitude (for Mrs Ramsay was free now to talk for a moment
herself), ah, she thought, but what haven't I paid to get it for you?
She had not been sincere.
She had done the usual trick--been nice. She would never know him. He
would never know her. Human relations were all like that, she thought,
and the worst (if it had not been for Mr Bankes) were between men and
women. Inevitably these were extremely insincere she thought. Then
her eye caught the salt cellar, which she had placed there to remind
her, and she remembered that next morning she would move the tree
further towards the middle, and her spirits rose so high at the thought
of painting tomorrow that she laughed out loud at what Mr Tansley was
saying. Let him talk all night if he liked it.
"But how long do they leave men on a Lighthouse?" she asked. He told
To The Lighthouse Page 10
