by Helen Fields
'Don't tell me you haven't fallen in love with it already, because you'll be lying,' Xander said, very softly, the smile back on his face. He looked like a naughty school boy. He knocked into my shoulder with his own. 'Come on, say something.'
'I don't think anything I say would do it justice. You're right, no-one could help but fall in love with it. I'm just not good enough for this. I'm not really an actor Xander. My being here is an accident. I wanted to see Sabina and the only way was to audition.'
'There's no such thing as an actor. Just people who pick up scripts and make believe they're someone else. You're either good at it or you're not, and you must be or you wouldn't have got the role. It'll be fun, I promise, and I need someone to do this with. There are too many people taking themselves terribly seriously in the acting world. I promise to help you if you’ll promise to give it a go. What do you say?'
'You'll rehearse with me, help me learn my lines? Tell me when I walk on stage with my skirt tucked into my knickers, things like that?'
He didn't answer me. He just jumped up, grabbed my hand and pulled me down the aisle between the seats to the stage. I looked out into the auditorium and imagined a sea of expectant faces. Stood there, Xander's arm slung casually round my shoulder, the terror left and I felt the growing seed of excitement in my stomach. 'I knew you wouldn't be able to resist once I got you here,' he beamed.
'Yeah okay, don't gloat.' I poked him in the ribs. As much as I was enjoying just being here it was also wonderful to have a conversation with someone. 'Thanks Xander, now take me somewhere I can buy hot food. Dinner's on me, if you're hungry.'
'Are you kidding? I'm always hungry. Being an actor's great but it sure don't pay all that well. Let's go get ribs, we'll diet again tomorrow!' As we got to his car I offered to drive. He looked like it was his birthday. 'Dinner and a driver? If you were a man I'd propose right now.'
'I don't need a proposal, but I do need a recommendation for a hotel tonight. I'm never going to make it into the city and back for tomorrow morning at ten. I also need a store to buy clothes and a toothbrush, I had no idea I was on a road trip.'
'Follow me Eve MacKenzie for indeed I can fulfil your every need.' Xander bowed as he got out of the car. If he was like this off-stage I wondered what he'd be like in front of an audience. Arm in arm we walked into a little diner to eat the best ribs I'd ever tasted. The combination of food, milkshake and Xander's company was a remedy for anything and I laughed so much that by the time I paid the bill I was wiping tears from my eyes.
As we walked up the block to a general store, Xander looked me up and down.
'You're alright, you know that? It's even better now that I'm getting used to your accent and I can understand what you're saying. Why don't you stay with me tonight? I've only got a small apartment but there's a pull out bed that’s really comfortable.'
'Xander, you've only just met me. It's so generous, but I'd feel bad putting you out.'
'You're not, I just want someone to drive me around. Come on, we'll watch a movie, eat popcorn and pretend we've known each other for years. Say yes?' I did. We bought all I needed and drove a few minutes out of town to Xander's place. It was great not to be in a hotel and I found myself longing for home comforts. If I were taking a job for six months I'd need somewhere more permanent to stay. I had a lot to do, starting with figuring out what to say to Sabina the next day.
By half past nine the next morning I was waiting at the theatre door. I'd phoned Daniel first thing and he'd acted as if he'd known what would happen all along. He'd already got a copy of my contract with the theatre company and an agreement for him to represent me. He was also arranging a few things I hadn't even thought about like union membership and an application for a work visa. At precisely ten o'clock Sabina came through the door, leaning heavily on crutches. A young woman walked behind her, carrying a variety of bags, hats and jackets.
'You can put all that down in the green room for me Elise, thank you. Eve, come with me.' I followed her progress up the corridor. She was slow on the crutches and I knew Parkinson's was a disease where sufferers have good and bad days coping with the symptoms. I found myself in a tiny office where every inch of every wall was crammed with photos, newspaper cuttings and magazine columns. It was a tribute to the Sabina Roman who no longer acted.
'Forgive my vanity. Remembering who I once was gives me the drive to get out of bed in the morning when my hands shake so badly I can’t lift a glass without help. Please, sit down.'
I sat on the edge of the chair. The woman in front of me seemed frailer than the day before, now that I was up close. She was trying hard to control the shaking that gave away her condition. Her strength was admirable. Many would have chosen to stay at home in privacy and comfort.
'So, you're English. Where were you trained?' Her eyes were as sharp as needles waiting for me to answer. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her cognitive functions.
'London.'
'Which drama school?' My heart skipped a beat. I couldn't lie any longer and the person before me deserved better.
'I didn't go to drama school. I'm not trained. I was improvising yesterday.' I waited for the response. She did nothing but look me up and down for what felt like an age.
'I know, Daniel told me.'
'He did? But I thought...'
'He told me that you were no actress by profession but that he would be your agent if I cast you. You were lucky that I'd heard you audition before I spoke to him. His view, and I agree, is that audiences will find you intriguing. You can act, I have no doubt.'
'Why didn't you say anything?'
'Because I wanted to see if you would tell me the truth, unprompted, this morning. Also, I am curious enough to want to know what is so important that you would fly all this way to meet me.'
'I'm sorry I wasn’t more direct with you yesterday but I didn't know how else to get you to see me. I'm looking for Adela Karas. I was told she was your nurse for some years, that she came over here with you from Slovakia. Is that right?'
Sabina looked down at her hands. She was very still for a moment and then stared up at the wall of images. She pulled a dog-eared photo down off the wall and handed it to me. It was in colour but badly faded by time. I could tell it was Sabina in a wheelchair, surrounded by photographers. Behind her, and only partially in shot was a dark haired, dark eyed woman smiling down at her patient. I ran my fingertips over the image. Adela had been beautiful. She looked kind and warm. When I took my eyes off the picture I saw that Sabina was crying. I knew that I was too late.
'She died a year ago. Cardiomyopathy set in after a virus and her heart just couldn’t keep going. She never complained, not once. It makes me sick to the stomach to think of all the days I’d whined about how awful my disease was. Adela was like a sister to me. Now this theatre is all I have. What is it you wanted to know?'
'It doesn't matter now,' I choked back tears. 'I was hoping she could give me some answers. She was my...' I didn't know how to finish that particular sentence so I tried again. 'There was a mistake on some papers I found when my adopted mother in England died. Adela’s name was given as my birth mother but I spoke to the midwife from the hospital in Brezno and I know that can't have been right. Adela was the last person who might have been able to tell me what happened. I've wasted your time. I apologise.' I tried to stand and leave but found myself sobbing. Sabina thrust a handkerchief towards me and I took it gratefully as I regained my composure.
'Oh, my dear. I'm so sorry you missed her. I don't think that a single day went by when she didn't think about her baby. '
'You knew about it?' I sobbed and looked up at Sabina.
'Adela took care of me for nearly three decades. She had secrets, of course, but then so did I. She would have given all she had for just one look at you. Handing the baby over for adoption broke her heart. She never recovered. Coming here with me was, I think, the only thing that stopped her from taking her own life. Let's not sit in here and
talk about this. Adela and I made a habit of visiting the seafront once every day; she said it was good for me. It was just her excuse to go down there and watch the waves but I never minded, it made her so happy. If you don't mind pushing an old cripple along we'll take the chair. I won't make it on the sticks. Bring your jacket, the front can be breezy even in June.' Sabina phoned through to Elise who organised the chair. I'd wiped away my tears enough to go out in public and we set off the few blocks to take in the view. When we reached the sea Sabina pointed out a bench and I sat next to her wheelchair as she looked out at the ocean.
'I don't understand. The midwife told me Adela's baby was born with Down's syndrome and yet I know I'm the baby she handed over for adoption because of the medical report and the burns on my feet. Do you know what happened?'
'I only know what Adela told me. I have no reason to doubt that you are the baby she handed over for adoption. There was such a scandal about what Branimir did that she felt the best way to protect you was to have you adopted in another country. She contacted an agency who found an English couple who, as I recall, had lost their only child.'
'That's right, a baby girl.'
'The baby Adela gave birth to at Brezno hospital was a little girl. It took the doctors a couple of days but they knew something was wrong with the baby and eventually they diagnosed Down's syndrome. Branimir was saddened at first but Adela never gave it a second thought. Branimir saw how much she loved the baby and he overcame his anxiety and accepted it. About a month after they'd left the hospital Branimir picked the baby up from her cot early in the morning. It wasn't yet light, as Adela recalled it. They lay in bed together, cooing and smiling at the child between them. As the sun rose and the light entered their bedroom they saw the baby's face clearly. Gone were the tell-tale signs of the Down's syndrome. The eyes were closer set and more alert, the nose more prominent and well defined. But not just that. The baby they saw that morning had a shock of deep red hair.' Sabina paused to stroke my hair as she said it. 'Her eyes were a vivid shade of green and she seemed older and more awake. Adela told me how she reached out to pick the baby up and comfort her only to see Branimir backing away across the room. He was a superstitious man from an old and very traditional family. He said that demons had come in the night and changed the child. Adela pleaded with him to be calm, give it some time and let his heart soften towards the baby. Branimir was obsessed though, he wouldn't rest, reading folk law and listening to myths about changelings. I'm afraid he lost his mind after a few weeks. Adela came back from buying eggs and milk at a local farm to find Branimir holding the baby's feet, your feet my poor child, over the fire. She grabbed you and did all she could to sooth the burns. Then she left and never returned to that house with you again. She moved back to her parents place for a while and from there she organised the adoption. You know about Branimir?'
'I do. At least now I know why. I've been scared that I was going mad, that it was something I'd inherited from him. I had all the pieces of the story but just hadn’t been able to put it all together. I wasn't sure if I'd been put in the wrong cot at the hospital or stolen by Branimir to replace a baby who'd died. There's one more thing I don't understand. The midwife told me that at the hospital Adela named the baby Zora. On the papers I have the name is shown as Eve. Did you know?'
'I didn't know the name they gave you at the hospital but it makes sense. Zora means sunrise. They hadn't had the naming ceremony when they discovered their baby no longer had Down's syndrome. Before Branimir finally lost his sanity they held the service but Adela insisted your name be changed to Eve. We were both quiet for a minute. Out at sea I could make out banks of fog rolling in towards the land. 'Walk me back would you, please?’ said Sabina. ‘If I get caught outside in that sort of weather it'll put me in bed for a week.' I turned the wheelchair away from the waves and back towards the theatre.
'Did Adela ever say what she thought happened? I can understand why Branimir took it so badly, I think I would. From what you've said Adela just seems to have accepted it.'
'I know what you mean. For years I thought she was driven by the necessity to keep the baby, you, at any cost. She knew that if she told the authorities it was not her baby it might be put into an orphanage. As time wore on and she talked about the story with less raw emotion there was something else. It was as if she were not surprised by what had happened. I can't explain it any more than that and she never discussed it. I loved her too much to ask. She lost a child, a husband and had to leave her country. She never saw her parents again.' We were back at the theatre now. I pushed the doors open and picked up my bag.
'Thank you Miss Roman. You've been more help than you can imagine. I wish I could have met Adela. She sounds extraordinary. I'll leave you in peace, you look tired.' I took the liberty of kissing her on the cheek. 'I'm sorry to have been less than honest yesterday. I'd best get back to the city.' I turned to leave and was taken aback by the sharp voice that crackled in the air behind me.
'Don't you dare walk out of that door! What I've told you today changes nothing. I gave you a job yesterday, and I did so on your merits. As far as I'm concerned you are playing Katherina in my production and you have made a commitment to do so.' I took in a deep breath and frowned.
'But, I assumed that when you knew the truth about who I was...'
'Adela would have wanted you here, where I can keep an eye on you. It's the very least I can do for her after all she did for me. I assume you have nowhere to stay in Carmel. I own a small ranch a few miles away, nothing luxurious by Californian standards but easily big enough for you to have your own space and privacy. You shall stay with me for the next few months. I can help you prepare for the play and you can keep me company. It's lonely out there by myself. My new nurse is fine but she can't make conversation worth a damn. I won't take no for an answer. Make what arrangements you have to in the city. I’ll be expecting you tomorrow night. I'll have Elise email you the address.' She turned and wheeled herself away up the corridor. At least I would have an opportunity to find out more about Adela.
The motorbike was due back with the hire company today so I started the long drive up the coast. By the time I handed the bike over I was ravenous from lack of food. I went back to my hotel, ordered room service then emailed Naomi and told her about my extraordinary new job. Once I’d packed my few belongings I fell into bed. After an age of tossing and turning, I slept.
I could hear a voice telling me to wake up and rolled onto my side to see Perun's face. I knew I'd awoken within the dream, sat up to clear my head and saw that I was outside. I lay on a grassy bank next to a stream, back in the forest. Boughs of trees overhead provided shelter from the night sky. Perun sat up behind me, his body burning hot and ran his fingertips down my arms. It was so much easier to give in rather than continuing to fight him. His lips touched my bare shoulder and I realised I was naked except for my locket. He trailed his tongue around the back of my neck to my right earlobe where he bit gently as his hands moved to my nipples. He brushed his fingers back and forth across my breasts until the sensation drove me to push back in his arms so that he lay me onto the grass below. In the moonlight I looked at his body and saw that it was as perfect and unmarked as his face. He looked like a waxwork model. His flesh was firm and smooth, muscles rippling beneath the skin. I felt my own desire pushing reason away and threw my head back so that he could kiss my neck. His body slid across mine and I arched my back at the sheer pleasure of flesh meeting flesh. His hand took mine and pulled it down to his groin. He shuddered as I took hold of his penis, thrusting firmly but slowly up and down and he leaned down and snaked his tongue into my mouth. Looking into my eyes he smiled as he plunged his fingers deep inside me, parting my legs with his and overwhelming any resistance I had left. My breath was raw in my throat and I felt dizzy. I waited to feel him entering me, arching my body to meet him and I felt water splash onto my face. When I opened my eyes to see where it came from I saw the woman with the red hair hidden in the b
ranches above. Tears were coursing down her face, one hand with its back hard against her mouth as if to stop her from crying out loud. I jerked my body to sit up but Perun's weight upon me was too great and I couldn't move. She shook her head at me and I knew she was cautioning silence. What I saw in her eyes, though, was unspeakable sadness. I summoned all my strength and shoved at Perun’s body. As he tried to push himself into me I drove a shoulder hard into his chest and knocked him sideways. He must have seen the horror on my face and instinctively turned to look where she had been but he was too late. For the first time I saw some character in that blank beauty. He growled and the sound that came out was more animal than human. The anger and frustration made him close to feral. He whipped his hand around to pull me to him again but I was ready for him this time. I grabbed a stick and plunged it into my leg to wake myself up.
I was shaking in my bed when I came to and not only through fear. I had been in the throes of a desire so strong that I’d abandoned myself to a man I wasn’t sure I trusted or liked. The dream was more vivid than anything I’d ever had before. I ran my hand over my face and found that it was wet. I could have persuaded myself that it was sweat only my sheets were dry. Were these the tears of the woman from my dream? I was losing touch with reality. Daylight was reaching under the curtains and I was grateful not to have to return to sleep. I shifted out of bed to shower and winced as I put weight on my leg. When I looked down I found a bruise, blood still spreading under the skin. It was round with jagged edges and in exactly the place where I'd jabbed myself. I took the locket from around my neck. Whatever Perun wanted with me, it was starting to feel more like a hunt than a game.
