by Lisa Jackson
* * *
Dani hadn’t planned on an affair; didn’t know how to handle one. It wasn’t anything she’d ever expected to happen to her and she was torn inside—guilt eating at her on one hand, the thrill of being with Brand on the other hand. She kept her secret to herself and didn’t tell anyone about Brand. In the beginning she hadn’t wanted her mother to guess that she was seeing him, but now, since they’d made love, things had become more intense. The thought of another person suspecting that she and Brand were lovers seemed a violation of their privacy and would have cheapened what was so beautiful.
Irene was suspicious, of course, because of all of Dani’s prolonged absences. “If I didn’t know better I’d say you were meeting some boy somewhere,” Irene grumbled one Saturday morning. “You’re never here when I get home from work and you spend a lot of hours studying at other kids’ houses.”
“I thought you wanted me to get good grades,” Dani retorted. Sooner or later she’d have to tell her mother about Brand, but she didn’t want to rock the boat just yet. It was too important that she keep seeing Brand and she didn’t want her mother to lay down some law about avoiding him. Because Dani would have to break whatever rules Irene imposed—no matter what, she wasn’t about to give up Brand. For the first time in her life, Dani Donahue was in love—head over heels in wild, passionate love.
The truth of the matter was that she had started studying. She couldn’t very well lie about doing all this homework and then end up flunking all her courses. So she was burning the candle at both ends—going to school during the day, working with the Kellogg horses, seeing Brand on the sly, then staying up until one in the morning cracking the books. She even managed to ace the government test that she’d lied to her mother about, earning her first A in years. She should have felt good about it, instead she just felt empty.
“I knew you could do it,” Irene said, retrieving the graded test when it slid out of Dani’s notebook and dropped beneath the dining-room table where Dani had stacked her books. “All it takes is a little work. Look at Skye—”
Dani’s smile froze on her face. She’d been looking up to Skye all her life, hoping that some of her older sister’s brilliance would rub off on her. “I’m not her,” she said sullenly as she dropped her backpack onto a side chair and headed into the kitchen. What would her mother think if she came to understand that Dani was only studying hard to maintain her alibi? This was getting awfully complicated.
“I know, I know,” Irene said hastily. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have compared you to your sister and I didn’t mean to. Oh, Lordy, I’ve really done it this time, haven’t I?” She followed Dani into the kitchen and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, her hands moving nervously. “All these years I’ve tried to tell you how special you are, how unique, but you won’t listen. You think I’m just talking through my hat, trying to bolster your self-esteem or something. I guess I am, but more than that, I’m just letting you know that I wouldn’t trade you for a dozen more Skyes.”
“I know.” Dani grabbed a diet soda and twisted off the cap. She took a long drink and tried not to get into another argument with her mother. What was the point?
“I just want you to succeed, Danielle. At whatever it is you want to do.”
“I want to train horses, Mom. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. Someday I’m going to have my own ranch, and getting all the A’s in the world won’t help me!” She saw her mother’s face fall though Irene bravely tried not to show her reaction. “I know it’s not as grand as wanting to be a doctor like Skye . . . but it’s what I like. What I’m good at.” Another swallow of cola. If she could just get out of here.
Her mind, with a will of its own, twisted back to Brandon. Always to Brandon. Midnight walks when she sneaked out of her room, wild rides on his motorcycle with the moon shining down, racing the Kellogg horses only to end up laughing and tumbling to the ground and making love beneath the cottonwood tree where Brandon had carved their initials in a crude heart. He’d climbed up nearly to the top and done the deed, saying he wanted someone to know how he felt even if it was only God and the bravest of the Kellogg grandkids who might scale the branches and eventually see his work.
Irene licked her lips. “Getting good grades never hurts, no matter what you end up doing in life. Even running a ranch, you’ve got to keep books and track of feed and animals and taxes and oh, Lordy, Dani, so many things. Owning that much land takes patience, money and hours of hard work and . . . well, honey, to be honest, you need a man to help you. It’s not a job for a woman alone.”
“Who says I’m going to be stupid enough to try to do it by myself?” Dani asked, then felt a cold hand clamp over her heart when she saw her mother’s face turn the color of chalk.
Clearing her throat, Irene twisted her ring, a silver wedding band with a few scattered diamond chips, the ring she’d transferred to her right hand the day of Thomas Donahue’s funeral some fourteen years before. “Sometimes we can’t predict what will happen to us. I never thought I’d lose Tom or not remarry . . .” Her voice trailed off and Dani swallowed back a huge lump in her throat. She should never have said anything. Irene reached for a towel and absently wiped the counter. “Lucky for all of us, Jonah was there.”
“Lucky?” Dani cringed at the man’s name. Jonah McKee, richest man in the eastern part of the state, a man who doled out his money and his affection in well-measured sums, was a first-class bastard. He acted as if he didn’t know that Irene, his secretary for ages, was half in love with him, and though he made sure that her car ran and her house was paid for, he never offered her an ounce of emotional support. But how could he? He was married. And not to Irene Donahue.
“He’s been good to me. To you,” Irene insisted.
Dani hesitated, took a long, bracing drink from her diet soda, then whispered, “Are you in love with him?” There. She’d asked the question that had lingered in the air for years, hanging between them, never asked, never answered.
“Of course not,” her mother responded. “Don’t be silly. Jonah’s married.”
“That doesn’t matter. You can love someone who’s married to someone else or . . . someone who doesn’t love you.”
Irene’s shoulders stiffened slightly and the rag stopped its smooth, circular movements. “No, Dani. I wouldn’t waste my time on a man I couldn’t have.” The towel started moving again and Dani knew that her mother was lying for the sake of her pride.
Dani didn’t blame her. Wasn’t she doing exactly the same thing, hiding the fact that she was in love, denying it to everyone but herself and Brand? Dear God, please don’t let me make the same mistake. Her insides froze at the thought. But her love with Brandon was different, wasn’t it? Brandon loved her. Though he hadn’t said it, he’d carved their initials in the cottonwood, made love to her so passionately that she thought she might die from ecstasy. Yes, it had to be different from her mother’s pathetic love for a man who acted as if she was nothing more than a hardworking employee—a woman he took care of as a matter of obligation because her husband had died in a logging accident while working for him.
Dani finished her drink as her mother folded the towel over a stainless-steel bar screwed into the inside cupboard door, then lit a cigarette with fingers that shook a little. “Your accusations are entirely out of line.”
“I didn’t accuse, just asked.”
“Well, I won’t have you dragging Jonah’s name through the mud, or mine, either, for that matter. He’s a good man. A kind man. A decent man who’s helped me when I needed it.” She struck a match and lit up. Sucking deeply, she inhaled the smoke into her lungs as if she could calm her nerves in a single throat-scorching breath.
“He’s not any of those things, Mom,” Dani said, feeling that it was time to clear the air. “That’s why I think you’re in love with him, because you can’t see him for what he really is.”
“Which is?”
Dani opened her mouth. It was on the tip of her to
ngue to call Jonah McKee a meddling old skinflint who ruled his family with an iron fist and shackled his wife with golden handcuffs, but what did it matter? Why inflict more pain? “I don’t know, Mom, I just ... I just want you to be happy,” she finally admitted upon seeing the silent agony in her mother’s face. “You deserve it.”
“Don’t we all?” Irene said, staring out the window, one arm surrounding her waist as if to protect herself, while she held her other hand close to her head where the cigarette burned, smoke curling up to the ceiling.
She seemed so sad and Dani knew it was her fault. Why couldn’t she just have taken the praise for her damned government grade and kept the conversation light? Why was it in her nature to always keep pushing?
“I just hope for your sake, Danielle, you’re luckier than I was.”
Please, God, don’t let her hurt anymore, Dani silently prayed as the walls seemed suddenly to be closing in, suffocating her. The conversation was too heavy and she needed to find a way out of the house.
The phone rang and Irene answered it. Dani waited to find out if it was for her, then as Irene lowered her voice, deep in a conversation she didn’t want Dani to overhear, Dani waved, grabbed her jacket and hurried out the front door. “I’ll be back later.”
“Dani? Wait!” Irene’s voice trailed after her as she raced down the steps. “Danielle? Oh, Lordy, what now? You be back soon or call me, you hear?”
“I will. Don’t worry!” Dani sang back as she tossed the jacket over her shoulders and buried her hands deep in the pockets. It was still warm outside, but Dani felt a chill settle deep in her bones.
She couldn’t worry about her mother any longer; she had her own life to live. Yet, deep in the bottom of her heart, she knew she was lying to herself. For too many years, Irene, Skye and Dani had relied on no one but each other. Oh, sure, Jonah McKee had helped out along the way, but the three women had fought with each other, held each other, banded together when things got rough. Only now, with Skye gone and Dani’s need for independence rearing its ugly head, it seemed as if the family had become fragmented to the point where she could lie so easily to her mother. About Brandon. Maybe it was time to come clean, tell her how she felt and hope for the best.
Taking the same path she’d used hundreds of times as a kid heading to the candy store or soda shop, she zigzagged through the familiar streets and vacant lots to the Shady Grove Café, an A-frame restaurant that had become a hangout for the locals and a Rimrock institution.
A help-wanted poster was plastered on the front door and Dani, after ordering a Coke and fries, talked to the head waitress about the job. Cyrus Kellogg was due back at his ranch in a couple of days, and unfortunately, Dani hadn’t found another job doing what she loved best—working with horses.
“It’s weekends,” Barbara Kingsley said, straightening the hem of her apron. “Fridays from five ’til closing, same with Saturdays. One night during the middle of the week, maybe two, depending upon the other gals’ shifts, and once in a while on Sundays.” Barbara, a woman with a shelf of a bosom and gray wig that never looked quite natural, eyed Dani speculatively. “Would cut the heck out of dating time.”
Dani thought of her moments with Brand, stolen as they were. Since they didn’t openly date and met each other at secret times when no one suspected, there would still be time to see him. Smiling, she lifted a shoulder and said, “I can handle it.” The bottom line was that she needed the money.
“Good.” Barbara seemed pleased. “Just fill out the application and I’ll give it to Joe. He’ll call you in a couple of days.”
Dani found a pen in the bottom of her purse and started filling out the form. Though she’d rather work outside with animals, or kids, or doing anything else, waitressing was a means to an end and she liked having her own money, which she used on clothes, gas for the car and her savings. Carefully she filled in all the blanks on the application and gave it back to Barbara when the waitress brought her basket of fries. This job would be better than the one in Dawson City. She’d probably make less in tips, but it was closer to home and sharing the car with her mother would be easier. She wasn’t much for going to football games or school dances, so Friday nights weren’t a big deal.
The door opened and a bell overhead tinkled loudly. “Hey, Dani!” Alison Marchant’s voice chirped above the wheeze of the overloaded air-conditioning system. Alison, a cheery, happy-go-lucky girl with the most gorgeous red hair Dani had ever seen and an overbite that needed correcting, plopped down on the other side of the booth. She wiggled a French fry out of Dani’s basket and pointed it at her friend. “What are you doing here?”
“What does it look like? I just filled out an application for the weekend waitress job.”
Alison wrinkled her nose. “Weekends? Oooh. Bad idea, Dani.” She glanced around the old building. The booths were sagging, the interior paneling dark with years of smoke and grease, the floor dingy where countless mops had shoved wax into forgotten corners. Glancing at the few other patrons, Alison leaned over the table. “I meant, what are you doing here when there’s going to be a party at the lake?”
“Tonight?”
“Hmm.” Alison’s eyes sparkled. “A kegger.”
“Where?”
“At the old Mason place. No one’s been there for years and it’s out of town so no cops will show up.”
“I don’t think so.” Ever since becoming involved with Brandon, Dani had avoided parties and ignored her friends. She felt a little jab of guilt because she and Alison had been friends since second grade when Alison’s parents had split up. Both girls had grown up without a father figure in the house, though Alison still saw her dad on most weekends.
“Say you’re staying over at my house,” Alison persuaded. She leaned closer and snagged another French fry. “Besides, if you start working here, your social life as you know it will be over. May as well have one last fling just in case you’re unlucky enough to land the job.”
“I don’t know,” Dani hedged. But why not? Brandon was working overtime this evening and she probably wouldn’t see him. That thought depressed her. Also, though she hated to admit it, she knew that something was bothering Brandon. Maybe it was his mother’s upcoming marriage. From what she could glean, he didn’t approve of the guy. But Brandon was a private person and rarely opened up to her. For a second, she thought that he might want to break up with her and her heart glitched. The thought of a future without him scared her to death and Dani didn’t scare easily. She hated the feeling and a shadow slid ghostlike through her mind—what if she ended up like her mother? She swallowed hard.
Alison was going blithely on, stealing French fries and dipping them in catsup. “. . . so I figured, why not? A lot of kids will be there. Some from here, some from Dawson City.”
“Is that so?” Brand’s face came to mind, but she tucked the image away. He was working tonight; he’d said so. He wouldn’t end up at a party without her. Or would he? Furious with herself for her doubts, she took a long, calming swallow of soda.
“I’ll give you a ride.”
“I don’t know.”
“Come on, Dani. What’ve you got to lose? A few hours with the books? What’s gotten into you? We could have fun. You do remember what that is, don’t you?”
“Of course, but—”
“It’s probably the last party at the lake since it’s already October and the nights are cooling off a little.”
“All right,” Dani said, dreading the party the minute the words passed her lips. But why not? Alison was right. She couldn’t sit around and wait for Brandon to call, nor could she spend another minute studying the United States Government or calculus. Talk about boring. So she’d go to the party. What could it possibly hurt?
* * *
The Mason place had seen better times. The driveway was little more than two deep ruts through dry grass and spindly weeds. The old homestead had collapsed on itself leaving a mere skeleton of sun-bleached wood and a tumbling rock c
himney. A worn rocking chair had fallen off what was left of the porch, the seat eaten away by time, one of the legs twisted away. There was an ancient pump that no longer brought up water and brush had grown through the thin stands of pine. Cars and pickups were parked at odd angles along the lane, but nowhere did Dani see Brand’s motorcycle.
Relief washed over her. Fool, she silently chided herself for doubting him. But she’d never been in love before, never cared deeply. She’d had her share of boys interested in her and she’d never let herself fall in love with any of them. She was just too damned practical. Until now. Brand had changed all her firmly held views on life and love.
“What’s eating you?” Alison asked as she parked her mother’s car beneath the scraggly branches of a pine tree planted close to a creaking aluminum gate. Someone had sprung the rusted lock and left the chain to coil on the ground like a sleeping snake.
“Nothing,” Dani said. “Just worried about getting the job, I guess.”
“What’s to worry? If you don’t get the one at the Shady Grove, you’ll find another.” Alison flashed Dani one of her upbeat smiles. “Tonight, we’re not gonna worry about jobs and school, okay? We’re gonna party.”
Dani was far from the partying mood. In fact, the few parties she’d been invited to hadn’t been all that great. The two girls followed the sound of music and laughter drifting in the crisp Indian-summer air. Though the days were still hot and dry, the nights had become cool with the promise of autumn. Dry leaves crackled beneath Dani’s thongs, and weeds, once supple, now gone to seed, brushed against her calves. The sun was just setting and the water was on fire, reflecting a brilliant sky of orange and pink. A rocky beach was littered with blankets, and a few of the braver souls had found an old rope tied to the branch of a crooked pine tree. They swung out over the water, let loose a scream and dropped into the frigid depths.
