I unwrapped my arms from around him and leaned back so I was able to look into his eyes. What I saw there made my heart drop; the small cracks widening with each breath I took.
“Rachel, I am so sorry. This situation has really gotten to me.” Peter begged me to understand with his eyes. “I need some time alone to think. My head is spinning with everything’s that happened. I’m not good company right now."
I sat there staring at him. Even when he stood up, leaned down to place a gentle kiss upon my forehead, and then walked out the front door. I sat there watching him, as if I was only a spectator and my boyfriend hadn’t just left.
Peter promised to call the next day, just before he shut the front door. The sad look on his face telling far more than his words.
Left alone with my thoughts, the silence of the apartment building deafened me once again. The clock continued to mark time and point out the fact that this time he wouldn’t come back right away.
Before I completely submerged myself in my morose thoughts, my roommate Karen arrived back at the apartment. She took one look at me on the couch and declared an intervention was on the way.
I didn’t move or really respond more than to shrug my shoulders when she asked which kind of ice cream I wanted. She grabbed the chips and two containers of decadent, calorie-laden ice cream and joined me on the couch.
With the treats in my hands I closed my eyes, took the first bite of the cold confection and allowed the sugar to start to heal my wounds. After several minutes of sugar therapy, she set down her container and commanded, “Okay, spill it. What’s happened and where is Peter?”
I told her everything. I told her about Peter and I having made up, and how we both believed we were finally on the right track. How the police called this morning when we were just about to look forward to a bright future together. How Peter rushed out to try to save Lara from killing herself. I told her about him coming back and being different. How he had left a few minutes before she got home with a promise to call me tomorrow.
Karen tried to give me solace. “Rachel, honey, I don’t even know what to say. That Lara is something else. I’m so sorry for you!”
She paused for a while and then continued; “Looking on the bright side, she’ll more than likely earn herself a nice long stay in the psyche ward of the hospital or another similar institute. The authorities don’t take kindly to people threatening to throw themselves from the tops of buildings.” She imitated a scene from a movie we’d recently watched together and made me laugh against my will.
I nodded with a faint smile, “Maybe I’m missing it, but how is that supposed to help me with Peter?”
We were both silent as we tried to find an answer to that question. But there doesn’t seem to be one. “I guess all you can do is be supportive and give him the time he needs to get over the things that have happened. He must be under shock right now. I would. ”
I wished there was another solution, something, but in the end, Karen was right. All I could do was be there to listen when he wanted to talk, and be patient when he wanted time alone.
*****
The next few days were difficult for both of us. Peter and I continued to see each other almost every day. We met for lunch a few times, and he dropped by the apartment, but things were not the same.
During the time we spent together, I found myself trying to bring him out of the funk he had fallen into. He seemed so distant, and we didn’t really talk any more.
I spent the time apart from him, worrying about the situation until I wasn’t sleeping well, and dark circles began to take up residence beneath my eyes. I tried to talk to him about his feelings, but he wouldn’t let me get close.
The physical interaction between us had dwindled to almost nothing, and even his kisses were perfunctory feeling at best. My grandmother kisses with more emotions than my boyfriend! No more snuggling together on the couch. No more holding hands as we walked down the sidewalk. No sex. It was as if our relationship had jumped backwards in time several months.
Every time I tried to broach the subject of what happened with Lara, Peter closed himself down and his eyes grew cold and distant. I fathomed he blamed himself for what happened. Even though he never talked to me about these thoughts, they’re written all over his face. Peter wasn’t asking those questions aloud, but I could tell he was thinking them nonetheless.
Why didn't I break up with her earlier? Why didn't I insist on psychological treatment when she had her last breakdown? Why did I get involved with her in the first place? Is it my fault? Did I get involved with Rachel too early? Should I have waited? Did I do something wrong?
The situation with Lara had shaken his ability to trust himself and make the right choices.
I tried to be as supportive as possible; assuring him each time he made a disparaging comment about the situation or his choices that it wasn’t his fault. I tried to point out the fact that Lara was ill and needed professional help.
Peter would listen and nod in agreement, but still nothing changed. He would leave feeling no better about himself. I would be left worrying about him and our future. The situation slowly but surely grew unbearable.
Part of me wanted to sit him down and make him believe he wasn’t at fault. Part of me wanted to hold him close and offer him the comfort and reassurance he seemed to need; to help him realize that he was a good person and had done nothing wrong. My feelings were all over the place and I began to sense I was on a runaway roller coaster with no way to get off.
Chapter 3
Several days after the incident on the roof with Lara, Peter found himself sitting in his office, listening to Lara’s father as he sat across from him. Peter found himself looking at the man, one of his largest client’s and someone he became to consider a friend, with new eyes. The man had aged and was looking almost fragile as he discussed his only-daughter’s medical condition.
“Peter, they’re transferring Lara to Sunset Malibu this afternoon.”
Peter had actually expected this announcement much earlier. The Bishops didn’t do public hospitals. He wasn’t surprised at all, that Lara was admitted to one of the most prestigious private rehab clinics in the country. Her father wanted only the best for his daughter and he could certainly afford it. “Did they give you any idea of how long she’ll be there,” Peter asked, concern in his voice.
“A few weeks to a few months. According to the doctors here locally, she’s suffered a complete mental breakdown, brought on by chronic clinical depression.”
What?! Chronic clinical depression? “So, they told you she’s been sick for a while now?” Peter asked, wondering how in the world he missed the signs. Not that he considered himself an expert in depression, but he should’ve noticed. It was his fault, again.
“I should have seen this coming,” Mr. Bishop said. “I observed that Lara didn’t function at her best since she left college, but I told myself that her change in behavior was due to her new role in the company. Did I give her too much responsibility, which she wasn’t ready for? Why didn’t I notice?”
“Sir, it’s not your fault,” Peter offered.
Mr. Bishop looked at Peter and nodded, “Not any more than it is yours. I can see the effect this situation is having on you. If anyone’s to blame for missing the signs, it’s me. I’m her father.”
Peter remained silent, lost in his self-recriminations over having missed the signs that Lara developed a depression. Why did it have to be a depression? Didn’t she have everything?
“… so I need to phase out the current contract. At least for now.”
Peter jerked his head up, focusing his mind on the here and now to ask, “I’m sorry. Can you say that one more time?”
Mr. Bishop gave him a sad smile, “Peter, I don’t blame you for anything that’s happening with Lara right now. But, honestly, seeing you every day at work is making it even harder for me. I need to be able to focus on Lara, and for me, that means I need to distance myself from the past.
This is probably true for you as well. Therefore it’s the best for everyone involved if we just phased out the current contract with your company. Once this situation has resolved itself, we can revisit a new one.”
Peter was floored, “Mr. Bishop, if working with me is the problem, I’m sure my business partner Steve…”
Mr. Bishop shook his head, “No. I’ve already made my mind up about this issue. A clean slate is what we both need right now. Your company has done an excellent job at meeting our needs, but I just can’t continue our working relationship given the current circumstances. I hope you understand.”
Peter tried to be objective about the whole thing, but a new set of worries now took up precedence in his mind. Mr. Bishop’s accounts bring in roughly 60% of the company’s earnings. With that income source gone, how is the company to survive? God, what am I going to tell Steve? Do I need to let the secretary go so she can find another job?
Peter was so lost in his own worries, he absently nodded his head when Mr. Bishop wished him a good day and took his leave. What am I going to do now? I have to tell Steve. He will be devastated. He just married, bought a big house and needs the income.
Chapter 4
A few days later…
Peter looked at his computer screen again; inwardly kicking himself for not having seen the mistake the first ten times he reviewed the program. His focus had been declining rapidly over the last few days, and everyone was beginning to notice.
He’d begun making rookie mistakes and decisions that would have normally only taken him seconds to make, now required hours of reflection.
Peter took another look at the security program he was working on, once again going over the pros and cons of the system. For the hundredth time he pondered every possibility and wondered if the system would be sufficient to meet the client’s needs.
He had been working on this same project for three days now, and the client started to get antsy. Everything in the company had slowed to a snail’s pace. After being hounded by phone calls and messages all morning, he finally slammed his door shut, informing the secretary he didn’t want to be bothered anymore.
When Steve walked into Peter’s office shortly after lunch, he tried to control his temper and reason with Peter. “So, you about finished up with that program?” he asked, taking a seat in front of Peter’s desk.
“Are you here to give me grief as well?” Peter challenged.
“Hey, I’m starting to get calls from the clients. They’re growing worried and wondering if you’ve lost your edge.”
“Don’t worry about it. Things will get done when they get done.”
Steve exploded, “Don’t worry about it? Well, let me tell you something – I AM WORRIED ABOUT IT! I’ve been looking at the figures, and we’re sinking fast here.”
Peter slammed his hands down on his desk, rising slightly as he growled, “Are you implying that this is all my fault?”
Steve thrust his hands through his hair, “No! Yes! Hell, Peter, the company is in bad shape. With Mr. Bishop’s contracts gone, we have to meet and exceed everyone else’s expectations or we will have much bigger problems to worry about soon. Our few remaining clients will take their business elsewhere and we’ll be forced to close down the company.”
“Ah, and you blame me? You think this is all my fault?”
In a burst of anger, Steve answered hotly, “I wasn’t the one who dumped Mr. Bishop’s daughter!”
“I didn’t tell her to kill herself! You wanted me to stay with her just to save your sorry ass?”
“Your whining is getting us nowhere. As co-owner of this company, I have a responsibility to our clients to see that their projects are being completed on time. Kick it in gear!”
Peter stood up from his desk, knocking his chair backwards with the force of his movements, “Who do you think you are, coming in here like this? You don’t do the programming and all the hard work! You’re nothing more than a glorified bookkeeper and paper pusher. Get out of here and leave me alone!”
“Paper pusher? That’s how much you appreciate my work? You know what?” Steve asked, stalking towards the door and slamming it open, pushing the door handle into the sheetrock behind it, “That’s enough! If you’re so smart, why don’t you do it on your own? You don’t want to take anyone’s advice and you certainly don’t need any help from the bookkeeper, so I’m gone. I haven’t taken a vacation in forever and as of now; I’m off the clock! You figure this out on your own!”
Steve’s departure was slightly dampened when he went to pull the door shut behind him and needed to tug twice to unlodge the door handle from where it was stuck in the sheetrock.
“Steve, get back here! Immediately! You can’t take a vacation right now! The company is in crisis!” Peter stared at the closed door, willing his business partner and one-time friend to walk back through it. When that didn’t happen, he collapsed back into the chair behind his desk in despair.
How is he supposed to deal with everything? Even though Steve wasn’t much help in the programming and such, he handled all the accounting, finances, legal stuff, and representation.
Peter stared at his computer screen blindly, only stirring when he heard the softly called “Good night” from the secretary as she left for the day. He felt so lonely and empty. Everyone seemed to be either betraying him or abandoning him. It’s nothing more than you deserve. This thought plagued him constantly, stirring up memories that he’d shut away for a long time. Stuff he didn’t want to remember and didn’t have the strength to deal with at the moment.
He remembered all the people in his life he had let down or hurt; blaming himself for a multitude of wrongs. It seemed that everyone he loved had been hurt by his actions, or inactions.
He had driven Lara into a nervous breakdown and Mr. Bishop into a near depression. His buddy Steve was fighting with him. And Rachel – the one person cared more about than anyone else. He had hurt her as well. Since they first met, he had brought so much grief and despair into her life. He was not good for her, he didn’t deserve such a special woman like Rachel.
The more he pondered about his life, the more he came to the conclusion that it would be better for everyone if he just stayed away. He should never have gotten involved with Rachel. She would be so much better, if he just didn’t go near her because he would only bring pain and desperation into her life.
It didn’t matter that she had been supportive of him, and willing to give him space to deal with things. He only remembered how desperate she felt after his accident in Spain. How hurt she was afterwards, having to return the states on her own. He doesn’t want her to suffer because of him anymore.
Chapter 5
My phone rang and I quickly picked it up. Peter! Something must have happened.
“Where are you?” I asked, glancing at the clock and realizing that Peter was more than an hour late to pick me up for our standing weekday dinner date.
“I’m not coming.” I picked up the resignation and lack of emotion in his voice and it really got me upset in a hurry. Worrying again, like most every day since that fateful incidence with Lara on top of the office building. I was getting tired of his behavior.
That’s it? No explanation or apology? I took a few breaths, striving for a calm and supportive tone of voice when I finally replied. “So, did something come up?”
“Look, Rachel, I’ve got a lot on my plate right now. And Steve went on vacation, leaving me to try and deal with everything here on my own.”
“I understand,” I assured him. “I didn’t realize Steve was going on vacation.”
“Yeah, well neither did I. Anyway, I’ve got several clients breathing down my neck to get their security programs fixed and such. I’ll call you tomorrow and perhaps by then I’ll be more caught up and we can grab dinner together. Alright?”
“That’s fine. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Don’t work too hard.” I hung up the phone and wandered to the window, looking at nothing in particular as the conv
ersation replayed in my mind.
Peter was going through a lot right now, and I really was doing my best to be supportive, but I didn’t like this Peter. His crazy mood swings were driving me nuts.
Gone was the tender and caring man whom I had fallen in love with. I understand he’s frightened and still fighting a sense of guilt over Lara – but enough was enough. Who thought of my needs? My own strength was dwindling by the minute and I didn’t know how much longer I could take it.
He had become withdrawn and uncommunicative. He didn’t seem to care about anyone else’s feelings. He had been downright mean to Karen the night before when she answered the door.
“Hi, Peter,” she had said with a smile.
“Where is she? I’ve got things to do. She should have already been ready.”
I stood in the hallway; listening to someone complain about the fact that I wasn’t rushing for the doorway just because he showed up for our date – twenty minutes late! I was about to explode and tell him some truths, but instead quickly rounded the corner. I saw a look of outrage and disdain on Karen’s face and had quickly hustled Peter out the door before Karen could give him a piece of her mind.
“Peter, you didn’t have to be quite so rude to Karen,” I offered as we made our way to his vehicle. My voice probably showed my anger with him, because he immediately reacted.
“Rude? That wasn’t rude. You were supposed to be ready to go. I don’t have the time to wait for you, I have more important things to do.”
Ouch. That hurt. Still, I tried not to show my pain; “I was ready to go. I’m here aren’t I?”
“Whatever,” came the mumbled reply, said low as he was walking away from me and more than likely not something he had intended for me to hear.
Standing my ground, I waited until he rounded the car and looked up at me before saying, “Is there a problem?”
“No. I’ve just had a horrible day. That’s all. Get in and let’s go.” Peter gave me a forced smile while he waited on my answer.
Falling for Him 3 (Rachel and Peter in Love) Page 2
