by Jade Lee
It was with true dismay that Helaine realized she was an illogical, contrary creature. Not so long ago, she had walked out of an inn room intending never to speak again to Lord Redhill. And yet, not more than two days later, she had gone to stay at his house. And now, one week later, she had not only spent a very late night in conversation with him, but then proceeded to spend a lovely day shopping with him as well. And when he left them—to go to a brothel, no less—she found herself missing him quite dreadfully. He had a keen mind and actually listened to what she said. He could be quite funny when he put his mind to it and, all in all, was a delightful companion even for such a female thing as shopping.
So when he left after tea, she told herself she was glad of his absence. After all, any man who had to go to a brothel to restore his good humor was not an ideal companion. And yet, no matter how stern she was with herself, she could not keep her mind from wandering back to him. If she saw a fabric, she wondered what it would look like on him. If someone said something particularly witty, she listened for his low chuckle. And worst of all, she kept turning around to share this or that with him, only to realize he wasn’t there.
Illogical and foolish! And yet she couldn’t stop herself. Nor could she keep herself from speculating on what he could possibly want to discuss with her after dinner. But she had a job to do now, and so she continued to shop with the women until they were all dropping with fatigue.
Then a miracle happened that solved all her immediate problems: Gwen asked about dancing slippers. Helaine suggested they all retire to her shop, where she was trying out a new shoemaker. It was Penny, of course, who was still staying with Helaine’s mother. The girl had made a couple pairs of delightfully feminine shoes for Francine and so Helaine had decided to promote her work more extensively. Plus, the ladies wanted to see Irene’s shipment of Brussels lace. Irene had apparently been able to use their new lines of credit with the cloth merchants as leverage against the ship captains. What that meant was beyond Helaine’s understanding, except to know that Irene had brought the lace plus a few more bolts of silk to the shop just yesterday. And now that Francine’s father had paid her bill—the girl was apparently enjoying her new wardrobe to the fullest—Helaine could afford to buy the bolts from Irene and send the woman out for more purchases.
Success was within sight—or at least disaster was stepping farther and farther away—and that was a miracle all in itself. Now she just had to build on everything she’d put in place and make sure nothing untoward happened to disrupt it. Something unsettling and unexpected—like an evening’s discussion with a frustrating viscount. But that was tonight’s problem. For right now, everyone was in good spirits as they tromped the short distance to her shop. And while all the ladies were fitted, Helaine wrote a note to Lord Redhill delaying their after-dinner meeting. She would be staying the night at her home here, she wrote, and so would be pleased to speak with him on the morrow.
She knew she was only delaying the inevitable, but she hoped with a good night’s sleep she would have better control over her emotional state. Then she waved the ladies good-bye, spoke a few brief words with Penny, who was departing for her father’s workshop so that she could get started on the work, and then kissed her mother before disappearing into her bedroom for a well-deserved nap. Sweet heaven, it was lovely to sink into oblivion without fear of handsome men with brown coats and warm chocolate eyes. No bookkeeping, no whisper of poverty, not even hunger kept her awake. And for a few hours, she was completely ignorant of the world.
Until her mother came tapping at the door. Helaine had already been stirring. She was not a woman accustomed to naps, so a few hours of sleep had both refreshed her and left her disturbingly out of sorts. She had been thinking of Robert, of course, her mind wandering over some of their most pleasant moments, when her mother interrupted.
Helaine immediately climbed out of bed and opened the door. “Yes?”
“Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!” her mother exclaimed as she looked at her.
“What?”
“Your dress. Your hair! Oh, even your cheeks are creased!”
Helaine was hard put to make sense of her mother. Of course she was creased from head to toe. She’d just woken up. Although she did manage to look down and see how badly she had damaged her dress. “I suppose I should have undressed before I lay down, but—”
“Never mind that now! Come, come. Let’s get you into something more suitable right away.”
Helaine was rubbing her eyes when her mother all but shoved her back into the bedroom, efficiently stripping off her gown.
“What—ow!”
Never had she met a woman who could both strip her of her clothing and brush her hair at once. Her mother was a miracle of efficiency, if only she’d managed to pull out the pins from her hair first.
“Oh, bother!” Her mother pressed the brush into Helaine’s hand. “You finish with your hair. I’ll get you a better gown.”
“But—”
“Brush!”
Helaine did as she was commanded, quickly unpinning her hair. “Why am I rushing to look acceptable?” she asked. She had planned a quiet evening at home.
“Because he is here. Said you had an appointment.”
No need to think who “he” was. It was Robert, of course, and she released her breath in a huff. “I told him I would speak to him tomorrow.”
“Brush! And step into this.” Her mother was holding out the very same dress she’d worn the week before to the inn.
“I can’t wear that! I wore it the last time he was here.”
“Oh! Oh, yes.” Her mother quickly spun around, dropping the dress as she rushed out of the room. She returned a moment later with a winter gown of deepest blue velvet. “You shall just have to wear one of mine, then.”
“But you’re smaller—”
“Ssst! You cannot refuse him, Helaine, no matter what you told him. You began this path. You cannot turn him away so rudely now. And if this is a little tight on you, then all the better.”
“But—”
“Brush! Step!”
Rather than follow orders, Helaine put down the brush and turned to look her mother in the eye. “I have not done anything of which to be ashamed, Mother. There is no path, as you put it. Merely a…” How to put it? “A friendship. Nothing more.”
Her mother dropped into a crouch so that Helaine could step into the gown. When Helaine didn’t move, she looked up with a sigh. “It doesn’t matter what has and has not happened. Everyone believes it of you.”
“But—”
“And I do not blame you for it.”
That froze Helaine in her tracks. A week ago, she’d feared her mother would be sobbing her eyes out at Helaine’s fall from grace. But now the woman was pushing her into a liaison with Robert? It made no sense. And yet, as she looked into her mother’s eyes, she saw an acceptance she’d never seen before. Could it be that her mother was finally ready to face the world again? Not as the ghost of the countess she once was, but as a whole woman? Someone who accepted life as it was and not how it used to be?
Impossible. It was too far a step for the woman to take. And yet, apparently, sometime during Helaine’s nap, the world had changed. It was but a moment more before she realized what had happened. Or more accurately who had happened.
“What did he say to you?”
“Ssst! Nothing! Now step into the dress.”
She did, if only to get her mother to stand. And then she was tucked and pushed and tied into place with such vehemence that Helaine knew she had guessed the truth. So when the gown was settled, she took both her mother’s hands and forced the woman to look her in the eye.
“What did he say to you?”
“Ssst—”
“Do not hiss at me! I deserve an answer, Mama. What did he say?”
The woman grimaced but finally answered. “Just that…just that he admired your strength.”
“What?”
“We were talking about
you because that’s what mothers do when they meet an eligible man of their daughter’s age.”
“Mama, you cannot think he intends marriage—”
“I know! I don’t! But listen to me. He started talking to me about you, about how strong you are. That he admires everything you have done with the shop, and that I must be so proud. And I am, Helaine. I really am. You have saved us when I hadn’t the strength to rise from my bed.”
Helaine felt her face flush as she looked away. She hadn’t even realized how much she’d longed to hear those words until they were spoken aloud. Her mother was proud of her. “Thank you, Mama. But what has that to do with all this?” She gestured to the lush gown and her hair, which was flying willy-nilly about her face.
“Oh, sit down. Let me do something with your hair.” Helaine obeyed, and while her mother began to stroke it to a glossy sheen, she began to speak. “He cares for you,” she said. “I can see it in his eyes. It’s not Spanish coin to a girl’s mother.”
Helaine sighed. “Mama, you cannot believe what a charming man says. I would think you would have learned that lesson by now.” From my father. She didn’t need to say the words to make them heard. Both women knew how sweet Helaine’s father could be when it suited him.
“Lord Redhill is not a drunkard,” her mother snapped. “He is solid, stable, and good ton.”
Helaine couldn’t disagree with that, so she held her tongue. And then her mother caught her eyes, holding her gaze steady in the mirror. “He promised to make you happy, Helaine. He said he would do all in his power to make sure of it. And I believed him. He is not a man to make promises lightly.”
“But he does not mean marriage, Mama. You know that.”
The woman sighed, her shoulders slumping with the movement. “Of course I know that. But joy is something precious. You should embrace it while you can.”
“Even if it means compromising…everything?” She didn’t have to state it out loud. She didn’t have to say, Even if it meant losing her virginity to a man who would not marry her.
Her mother’s expression turned wistful. “I first met your father at a garden party. He made me laugh and later sent me posies. Then he followed me around from ball to theater, even to a musical evening, though he hated those things. He was charming and I never laughed so much as in that first year. Our wedding was wonderful and the night afterward out of a fairy tale. He was a terrible lover, I believe, as these things go, but he made it so much fun. We were two children stumbling about and I was so happy. Until he began drinking to excess, I was over-the-moon happy.”
Helaine searched her mother’s face. The words had come out in a rush, but they were no less heartfelt. Her mother was speaking the truth, and that thought stunned Helaine. “Mama, you have always said he was a wastrel and a fool.”
Her mother shrugged. “Well, he is that, too. But in the beginning, it was different. We had such fun. I think that is why I now hate him, because it was so different those first few years.” Her mother’s eyes were distant, her thoughts far away. But a moment later, she returned to pinning up the sides of Helaine’s hair while the rest fell in loose waves behind her. “You have already lost so much. I want you to feel some of the joy, too. As much as you can, if you can.”
Helaine’s thoughts were in turmoil, and her heart beat triple time. Was her mother truly giving her permission to lie with a man not her husband? “I cannot do something so easily, Mama. Not just for joy.”
“Darling,” her mother said as she patted the last curl in place, “there is nothing just about joy. Not true joy that comes from the heart.”
Helaine shook her head. “Even so, Mama.”
Her mother looked at her a long time and then finally nodded. “That is why you are smarter than I. And yet, even after everything, I wonder if I would make a different choice with your father. Those first years were the very best. A life without such wonderful times would be very dull indeed.”
“But he left us, Mama. With nothing. No food, no protection, not even our reputations. He destroyed us and then he disappeared.”
“I know. But, darling, because of you, we have food. We are safe. And as for our reputations, they are long gone. Royal courtesans have not so terrible a lot. They have the joy and are not trapped once it is gone.”
Helaine rocked back on her heels. She had never thought of herself as a courtesan, royal or otherwise. The idea simply did not fit with her image of herself. Meanwhile, her mother was pinching her cheeks for color, then stopping to give one last piece of advice.
“If you have a chance to find joy, if only for a while, you should take it. We are safe. The shop is doing marvelously. So if he makes you happy, then take it. Take him.”
Helaine closed her eyes, trying to sort out this bizarre world where her mother spoke sense. What she hit instead was a wall of fear. “We are not so safe as you might think. Everything could topple tomorrow.”
“All the more reason to be happy now if you can.” Then she pulled Helaine to her feet, inspected her from head to toe, and pronounced her acceptable before practically pushing her down the stairs. A moment later, Helaine was once again alone with Robert. And from the way his gaze heated her blood, she knew she was very close to the edge of a very large cliff. But which way should she move?
Chapter 17
Robert felt his mouth go dry. She was dressed in midnight blue, her bodice plumped, her skirt flowing, and her hair in a beautiful tumble down her back. Normally he might have compared her to a queen from her boudoir, Venus at night, or any other extraordinarily beautiful woman. But he had no words at that moment. Only the full, incredible vision of her.
“Robert?”
“You look spectacular,” he finally managed.
“Oh. It was my mother’s. You’ve already seen my best dress. Sorry it took me so long to come down.”
He didn’t care whose dress it was, he was looking at her as if he’d never really seen her before. Ridiculous, he knew, but something about her was different. “What happened?”
She started. “What?”
“You’re different somehow. Less determined. Softer. More womanly.”
She arched a brow and a teasing glint entered her eyes. “Are you saying I wasn’t a woman before?”
He let his lips curve in a smile because she was teasing him. She knew exactly what he was talking about, but trying to dodge the issue. “I’m saying that you were handsome before, but now you’re stunning. I like your hair down.”
She touched it almost nervously. “I didn’t have time to style it.”
“Then I hope you are rushed every time I see you.” Then his expression slipped as he studied her face. “What has happened, Helaine?”
“Nothing. I have just had a busy day and a confusing conversation with my mother. And now…” She gestured toward him. “What is so urgent, my lord, that you had to come to my home rather than wait until tomorrow?”
“I didn’t think you’d really see me tomorrow.”
She lifted her chin. “I am not so inconsistent. I told you I would speak with you tomorrow and I would have.”
He nodded. “I know. But something else might have happened. Perhaps Gwen would have an emergency need for a new ribbon. Or one of her new relations would absolutely insist on your attention until you fainted from the tedium of it all—”
“They are not tedious. And you should speak better of your new relations.”
He barely resisted rolling his eyes at that. “They are women intent on fashion and the coming Season.”
“As am I.”
“But you are so much more.” He took a breath, unexpectedly nervous. So to cover, he stepped forward and took her hands. He wasn’t sure if she would allow it, but she was strangely accepting as she lifted her eyes to his. “Helaine, I have something I wish to show you. Something about myself that would ruin me almost as deeply as you would be if your identity were revealed.”
She started at his words. He felt the jolt through
their joined hands. “Surely you exaggerate.”
He lifted a shoulder. “I would still have money, still become an earl in due course, but my reputation would always be tarnished, my motives suspect. I would be considered rather depraved by many and become a target of reformers and conservatives alike. Any political aspirations after that would become extremely difficult.”
She lifted her chin. “I do not believe you.”
He couldn’t help smiling. That was exactly the response he wanted. “Then let me show you the truth of it.”
She hesitated, and then she slowly withdrew her hands from his. “But why? Why would you wish to expose yourself thus to me?”
He wasn’t prepared to answer that, wasn’t ready to examine his motives so closely. So he opted for a portion of the truth. “I want you to think well of me.”
She arched her brow. “This thing that would have you scorned by liberals and conservatives alike? This will have me think well of you?”
“I hope so. Helaine, I cannot adequately explain it. I wish to show you.”
“I—” She cut off her words, turning away in confusion. “The world has gone upside down.”
He crossed to her and gently set his hands on her shoulders. Her back was to him and he felt her tighten. But not for long. In time she exhaled and her shoulders eased down. He longed to pull her into his arms, to hold her while they both sorted out their thoughts, but he didn’t dare. Instead he waited and prayed she would choose to trust him.
She did, but he had to wait an eternity for it. In the end, she stepped away from his hands and said, “I will get a wrap.” She meant to step away from him, but he touched her arm lightly to stop her. She paused, looking at him in inquiry.
“What decided you in my favor?”
“There was no real decision, my lord. I am too weak around you. No matter that my common sense says being around you is too dangerous, I cannot force myself to listen. I enjoy your company, and…and I suppose that is reason enough for me to ignore everything else.”
