by Jade Lee
“Forgive me,” she said as she entered the room. “But as your dressmaker, it’s part of my job to make sure you’re looking your best in my gowns. And right now, it sounds like you’re not quite feeling the thing.”
Gwen regarded her from the bed. The room was dark, but enough light spilled in from the hallway to illuminate her swollen nose and red eyes. And her hair was all askew, as if she had tried to pull out the pins and ended up grabbing the hair instead.
“Helen! Oh, shut the door! Quickly, before Robert sees.”
Now, that wasn’t at all what Helaine expected, but she did as she was told, stepping inside the room and quietly shutting the door behind her. Meanwhile, Gwen lit a lamp, and soon the room was bathed in a warm glow. Sadly, the golden color did very little to aid Gwen’s looks. If anything, she appeared all the more miserable.
Helaine crossed to her side. “Oh, sweetheart, what has happened? Has Robert been pompous or dictatorial again?” It was a joke of sorts. Nothing could bring out a smile in Gwen faster than poking fun at her brother’s high-handed ways.
It worked. Gwen released a snort that was almost a laugh. “Better to ask when he hasn’t been an ass.” Then her smile faded. “But that’s not it.” She waved at the closed door. “It’s a game of sorts that he and I have played since we were children. Whenever something terrible has happened, I shut the door and sob so that he can stand at the doorway and listen in misery. Then he has the maids bring me treats and the like until I come out. I did much the same thing for him, too, until he became old enough to disappear for days on end. Jack was the only one who could comfort me, but that was only because he was so young. He would come into my bedroom and just curl up beside me. Something about having a little brother sleeping beside me always eased the pain. But then he went away to school, and I’ve barely ever seen him since.”
Helaine nodded slowly, knowing a little something about needing to cry one’s eyes out. “But Robert would do anything for you. Surely you know that.”
“Of course I do. But so many things cannot be changed. We could do nothing when Mother had one of her spells or Father was dunned for debt.”
Helaine didn’t answer. She’d never had a brother or sister to share such burdens with. But if she had, she couldn’t imagine shutting them out. Gwen must have read her expression, because she simply shrugged.
“I know it’s silly. Truly, I do. But it’s the way it’s always been. Besides, why make him see my tears when there’s nothing he can do about them?”
“I suppose that makes sense,” she said, though she wasn’t sure it really did. “But what has happened to cause all this?”
That was obviously something Gwen wasn’t as eager to share. Her gaze dropped away, and her hands began twisting in the pillowcase. Then she began biting her lower lip, but she didn’t speak. In the end, Helaine did the only thing she could think of. She put her arm around the girl and hugged her tight. Gwen didn’t resist. In a minute, she had wrapped her other arm tight around Helaine and the tears were flowing along with a few words, not that they made much sense.
“I c-can’t do it! I j-just can’t!”
“Can’t do what, sweetheart?”
“I can’t get married!”
The words came out as a loud wail that was followed by heart-wrenching sobs. If Gwen had been anyone else, Helaine would have taken it as simple prewedding jitters. But the girl was one of the most levelheaded she’d ever met. Hadn’t she had the sole care of her mother and younger brother all these years? To see her so completely undone was alarming. Whatever had happened, it was obviously tearing her apart.
But there was nothing Helaine could do but hold the girl for a while, waiting until the worst of the storm passed. And then, when Gwen was finally gaining control of herself again, Helaine began to ask for details.
“Was it Edward? Did he do something terrible?”
Gwen vehemently shook her head. “No, no! He has been perfect! But he warned me before. He told me he needed a strong wife, and I tried. I really tried, but I just can’t do it!”
“What are you talking about? You are one of the strongest women I have ever met!”
Gwen straightened up and shook her head. “That’s because you have only seen me lately, when I have been trying. But it has been so hard! I can’t do it much longer!”
Gwen’s voice was getting higher, the panic about to break through again, so Helaine gripped the woman’s hands and turned to face her square on.
“Start at the beginning. Tell me what has been so hard.”
“Being nice to his mother!” Gwen wailed. “And his aunt is so much worse!”
Ah. Now, that made sense. “Yes, today’s dress changes were tiring, but you can hardly—”
“That’s only a part of it!” Gwen cried. “They want a say in everything. They aren’t even living here and yet they have tried to tell Dribbs what wine to serve and what meals should be cooked.”
Helaine couldn’t resist a smile at the idea of that. “I’m sure Dribbs handled it just fine.”
“Of course he did, but that’s because he’s Dribbs. They also have opinions about flowers and wood paneling and reading material. And children. Oh, my God, you cannot know what they think about how to raise children! Especially since his aunt used to be a schoolteacher.”
Yes, Helaine could well imagine that they had quite the opinions about that. “But what is that—”
“And do you know, they said my breasts were too small and that I should plump them because Edward likes big breasts.”
“Well, that’s certainly impertinent—”
“And the very next day they said my breasts were too large! That he preferred smaller ones and I should stop eating turnips!”
Helaine frowned. “Turnips?”
“One said it fills the chest, the other claimed it simply broadened the hips, and then they started to quarrel about the merits of turnips in stews. It was all I could do to keep myself from throwing every turnip in the cellar right at their heads!”
Helaine couldn’t keep herself from laughing. “Is that why Dribbs was muttering about turnips? I heard him distinctly this afternoon saying he was going to be sure to serve them for dinner.”
Gwen’s eyes widened with shock. “Truly? Do you think they will eat a meal at their house then?”
“I’m sure that was Dribbs’s hope.”
“Mine, too!” she whispered. Then she dropped her head into her hands and moaned. “So you see why I can’t get married. I just can’t!”
Helaine leaned forward, gently pulling Gwen’s hands away from her face. “No, sweetheart, I really don’t understand. What has any of this to do with your marriage?”
It took a moment for Gwen to respond. Her body was so defeated that it seemed to take true effort for her to get the words out.
“They told me yesterday, but I didn’t believe it until Edward said it was true.”
“What was true?”
“I knew we might have care of his sister. Connie is very sweet, you know, when she’s away from them. And she’ll be coming out soon. Maybe get married.”
Helaine nodded. She had seen flashes of real understanding from Edward’s sister. But the girl was often drowned out by her mother and aunt. “I do like Connie,” she said. “But I don’t understand what—”
“They’re going to live with us! Not just his mother but his aunt, too! Both of them! Forever!”
“Oh!” gasped Helaine, at last understanding the problem. “Oh, my.”
“I can’t do it! I just can’t. I can’t stand having them next door—how will I manage with them in my own home? I won’t be able to escape them ever. And I won’t even have Dribbs to serve turnips!”
Gwen flung herself into her pillow again, releasing a full-fledged scream into the depths of the feather stuffing. Helaine rested her hand on the girl’s back, her sympathies fully engaged. Gwen was indeed facing a rather difficult married life if a solution couldn’t be found. But surely there was
a logical answer to this dilemma. Even knowing that Gwen had probably already thought of everything, Helaine started at the beginning.
“Have you told Edward that you would prefer a separate household?”
Gwen rolled over in her bed. “Yes, it was the first thing I said, most delicately of course.”
“Of course. And what did he say?”
“That he would, too, but the baronetcy cannot afford a separate establishment at present. And besides…” She heaved a dramatic sigh. “He loves his mother and wants to see her happy. Worse, he’s a good English boy. He won’t banish his mother. He’s not that cruel.”
“Even if it’s a choice between you and her?”
Gwen stared glumly at the wall. “Would you ask the man you love to make that choice? Between you and his mother?”
Helaine shook her head. No, she could never force Robert to make that choice. It would tear him apart.
“Very well then, we shall have to think of something else. Have you talked to his mother? Perhaps she could be persuaded—”
“I tried. All she could talk about was how she will be such a help once the babies are born.”
“Hmm. And how large is Edward’s home? Perhaps it could be separated somehow.”
“Two floors, five bedrooms including the nursery.”
“Oh, that does sound rather tight.”
Helaine continued to ask questions, racking her brains for a solution, but none presented themselves. In the end, she was forced to concede defeat…of a sort. She gripped Gwen’s hands and heaved a dramatic sigh. “Well, that’s it then,” she said. “I can see only one solution.”
Gwen’s shoulders drooped. “I cannot marry him.”
“No, silly. You must talk with Edward.”
“But I can’t make him choose!”
“And it is better to simply decide for him? To end the engagement without allowing him the chance to find a solution?”
Gwen bit her lip. “No. Of course not.”
“And there is one more thing,” Helaine said slowly. “It is a great secret that I discovered only this morning.”
“You are going to tell me something I already know, aren’t you?”
Helaine smiled. “Yes, probably. It is that love can make the most terrible things acceptable. Things that I never thought I would do, choices I never thought I’d make—good and bad—they have happened because of love.”
Gwen nodded, obviously thinking hard. Helaine hoped that she was taking the message to heart—that no matter what happened with Edward’s mother and aunt, Gwen’s love for him would make it all worthwhile. That was what she was trying to say, but a moment later, she realized that Gwen’s mind had gone in a completely new direction.
“You have fallen in love with my brother, haven’t you?”
“What?” Helaine gasped, shocked that Gwen was so perceptive.
“All my friends have, you know. One after another, they have pined after him.”
Really? How terribly mortifying to discover that she was a cliché. “Well, he is rather handsome.”
“I know he has been attentive to you.” Gwen peered at her face. “So you and he…You have become his mistress?”
Helaine nodded. “Do you mind terribly?”
“Yes!” Gwen snapped. “I should like nothing better than for you to be my sister, but you deserve better than him!”
Helaine shook her head, her words solidifying her decision. “There is no one better than your brother. And I shall take what happiness I can with him now.”
Gwen moaned and she gripped Helaine’s hands. “But you deserve to marry! I think my mother has soured him on marriage. He doesn’t want to be saddled with another like her.”
Helaine understood that completely. If Robert were anything like her own father, she wouldn’t have given him the time of day. “Perhaps that is why we suit. I shall never be a burden to him.” That was the role of a mistress, after all. To pleasure a man while it was good, and to be set free when it was not.
“But you deserve better!” Gwen repeated, her vehemence surprising.
Helaine frowned. “I am only a dressmaker, Gwen. No one thinks I deserve better than exactly what I have.”
Gwen pressed her lips together, her expression both sad and defiant at the same time. Helaine waited it out. She knew whatever it was would come out eventually. Still, when it finally did, she was surprised by the anger that throbbed in the words.
“I do not know who you were, Mrs. Mortimer, but I know you are more than just a dressmaker. Even if you had the most wretched past, I would not care. I like you. You are smart and talented. You have helped me when my own mother could not. So I say it again, my brother is an idiot and you deserve better!”
Helaine looked into Gwen’s eyes, and more than anything in the world, she wanted a life she couldn’t have. She wanted Gwen as her sister, and Robert as her husband. She wanted to be Lady Helaine again, and to have it possible to marry the man she loved. She wanted it all with a yearning that brought tears to her eyes. But in the end, she had to put all of that away. She had to forget what might have been and focus on what was. But it was hard. Perhaps the hardest thing she’d ever done.
“We cannot all have the love that you and Edward share,” she said. “Some of us must be content as a mistress to the man we love. Or abandoned by him like my mother. Some of us never have a chance like you. So even if you have to live in the same bedroom with your mother-in-law, you will find a way to stay happy. Do you understand me, Lady Gwen? You will find a way to make it work for all of us!”
Gwen’s eyes widened at Helaine’s tone. Helaine waited, wondering if Gwen would descend into tears again, but her words seemed to sink in. Eventually Gwen’s chin stiffened with resolve and she straightened up from her bed. “I will,” she said quietly. “You are right. I absolutely will.”
“Good. Now come sit down over here. I shall brush your hair and then you shall go have a discussion with Edward.” Helaine grabbed the brush and held it aloft like a weapon.
Gwen didn’t dare argue as she sat down at her dressing table and began pulling out pins. Helaine stepped close to help, but then paused.
“Shall I have Dribbs send a message next door? To tell Edward to come?”
Gwen looked up with a sheepish smile. “I shouldn’t bother. Dribbs has probably already done it.” Then she released a heavy sigh. “If only there were more butlers like Dribbs. Then everything would go so much simpler.”
Helaine nodded, her thoughts on so much more than a single butler. “If wishes were horses…”
“Then Edward’s current idiot of a butler could ride far, far away. And then I’d kidnap Dribbs and force him to work for me.”
* * *
The women’s laughter carried easily to Robert where he stood just outside Gwen’s bedroom door. He had already finished the rhyme in his thoughts correctly. If wishes were horses, then beggars could ride. Sadly, those were not the words that stuck with him. No, what he heard over and over were Gwen’s words.
My brother is an idiot and you deserve better.
She was right, of course. Helaine deserved much, much better than to be a mistress. Even mistress to a future earl. But could he bring himself to give her up? To let her seek the life she should have?
No. Absolutely, positively not.
He sighed and turned away from Gwen’s doorway. He had to find Dribbs to make sure Edward had been summoned. He also had to have a word with the boy about his mother and aunt. If he remembered things correctly, Edward’s baronetcy was nearby to Robert’s mining town. Or rather near enough to be convenient but not so near as to make them easy neighbors.
What if he set up Edward’s mother and aunt as schoolteachers to the miners’ children? They could occupy themselves with running other people’s children and not driving Gwen to distraction. He would have a ready spy for all the gossip in that town. And if Edward and he shared the expense of the household, then it would be less of a strain on them both.
It was an idea worth exploring at least. And a problem he had a prayer of resolving. Then once that problem was solved, perhaps the boy would have some magic solution for Robert’s dilemma.
Maybe.
If only…
Chapter 24
The life of a mistress was certainly less…well, less mistress-y than Helaine had thought. After their miracle night together at the Chandler, Helaine had expected to spend a great many more nights with Robert. But before they could arrange it, Robert had to take a trip to discuss things at his mine. And then the Season started. With Gwen talking her up as the best dressmaker in town, Helaine was suddenly busy with a dozen new clients. Enough that she made Wendy hire an apprentice just to keep up with orders. Of course, the old problem of getting those very same clients to pay was still an issue. But thanks to Robert’s interference, Irene was able to purchase things on credit.
And so, in general, life was better than ever. Busy, chaotic, and so lonely that Helaine thought she’d go mad. How had she thought her life complete before she’d allowed herself to be seduced? Whenever she had a spare moment, she thought of Robert. Whenever she dropped exhausted into her bed, she longed for his caress. And sometimes she even dreamed he was climbing into bed with her, only to open her eyes and stare into the yellow gaze of the workroom tabby cat. She loved the mangy rat catcher, but he was no substitute for Robert.
Fortunately there was always more work to keep her busy. And with Gwen’s wedding a day away, she was hoping her nights of sleeping alone were over. Robert would never miss his sister’s wedding, and so she waited anxiously for a message from him. By the end of the day, she was a wreck of nerves. Which made her angry. How had she changed from independent woman to a girl waiting anxiously by the door for a message from a man? What was wrong with her?
And yet no matter how much she railed at herself, she still ran to the door when a liveried footman rapped. He handed her a message. Helaine didn’t even have to open the missive to know it wasn’t an invitation from Robert. He would have sent a carriage for her, but the footman had apparently traveled to her on foot. And sure enough, when she slit open the letter, she saw that it was from Gwen.
