“I’m not asking you to wait. I don’t know how long I’d be asking you to wait for, and I can’t guarantee what I’ll decide. You should take opportunities that come your way if you want to. I will, too.”
“I won’t be taking any other opportunities. In the meantime, can we hang out as friends?”
“That’s up to you. You’re the one who said we wouldn’t be able to spend time together without making out.”
“I’m sorry I said that. I’ll control myself if you want me to.” He manages a smile.
“I do.” I try not to smile because I want him to know that I’m serious. “Otherwise, we won’t be able to hang out together.”
“That’s all the incentive I need. I’ll take what I can get.”
We start walking again. My nervousness is gone, replaced by relief. I’m so glad Jared hasn’t made this hard for me. I’m glad he understands.
“It’s such a nice night, Kayla. Want to walk up to Park Slope for a latte? As friends?”
“Sure, why not?”
As we walk, I glance at him, hoping that we really can be friends until I make my decision. He’d better not try to kiss me. Because if he does, how will I be able to resist?
fourteen
I decide to take an oath. Like doctors have the Hippocratic Oath, the Oracle, too, shall have an oath:
In order to fulfill my obligation as the Oracle of Dating, I must experience, not just observe, and use my experiences to grow emotionally and spiritually. I recognize that I may learn more from my failures than from my successes. My goals will be:
to be wise without being self-righteous.
to use both sensitivity and logic in addressing problems.
to be compassionate and yet willing to challenge my clients when necessary.
I, the Oracle of Dating, will seek what is positive and good in life for myself and for others. And when problems occur, I will not run away from them. I will face them with courage and determination and help others do the same.
Two weeks zip by. Projects are due. Exams are almost here. I’m updating my website as often as possible and fielding some annoying emails. It seems I’ll never live down the teenmoi controversy. Thankfully, most of my clients haven’t turned against me, and I’ve actually gotten a handful of new ones lately. I still don’t know what the universe wants me to learn from this craziness. Be careful what you say online? I already knew that. There will always be haters trying to bring you down? It’s not a pleasant thought, but I suppose it’s true.
On the bright side, my hard work at school is paying off and my marks are improving. What a relief. School’s something I’m good at, generally speaking (um, not including chemistry, math and art). Something I’m not good at? Making a decision about Jared. I was hoping that with time, an answer would come. But it hasn’t. And I hate stringing him along, but what can I do?
Every day I tell myself to chill. So what if it takes me a month to decide, or two or three? He wouldn’t want me to make a decision before I was sure, I know that.
Which doesn’t mean he hasn’t tried to influence me. Those hallway gazes are downright seductive. I’m sure if a Hollywood agent saw that hot, brooding stare, Jared would be cast in a rash of teen movies and I’d lose my chance with him forever. But it’s not just his stare; a week ago he and The Invisible posted a new track on their MySpace page. It’s a song called “I Let You Down” about a guy who screwed up, lost the love of his life and is trying to win her back. The song is sung by Tom, the lead singer, with Jared on background vocals and bass. It doesn’t take a genius to see that Jared wrote it hoping to affect me. The first time I heard it, I was in tears. I’ve listened to it countless times, and each time I want to rush into his arms. So why can’t I?
I still haven’t told my friends about his offer. My only confidante is Tracey, but she’s ultrabusy lately and hard to reach. She usually gets like this when she’s dating someone, so when I finally reach her over the phone, I ask her, “Are you dating someone new?”
She hesitates, then admits, “Yes.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I’m sorry, but I’m worried I’ll jinx it. It’s just that this guy is different from the others. We’ve only known each other for a couple of weeks and I don’t want to get my hopes up yet. I’d prefer not talk about him until I’m sure it’s going to be something real. I hope you understand.”
“Of course.” And I do, sort of. Nothing’s ever worked out for her in the past, so she’s trying to do things differently. She does tend to get overly excited when she meets a guy, only to have her hopes dashed. But I’m not used to her keeping anything from me. “Promise me he’s not a salsa instructor.”
“He’s not. He has a perfectly decent job, I promise.”
“And you’re sure he isn’t…misrepresenting himself, right?”
“I didn’t meet him online, if that’s what you’re getting at. We were set up by a trusted friend who knows him well.”
That alleviates my worries—a little.
But Tracey isn’t the only one who’s been elusive lately. It’s about time I got to the bottom of the Sandeep affair, once and for all. So I make plans with Viv for a mani-pedi at our favorite inexpensive beauty shop.
“You haven’t mentioned Sandeep in a while,” I say carefully. I don’t look to see her reaction, but focus on the pale pink brushstrokes on my fingernails. “Are you still hanging out with him?”
Viv’s halfhearted grunt says it all. “He still calls sometimes, but I’m not going to make the effort to see him again. The wedding’s long over, but he’s dragging his feet about dumping his girlfriend. You were right about him. All of you were right.”
I feel no satisfaction in being right about Sandeep. “You’re going to find another guy you’ll have a lot in common with, and he won’t have a girlfriend.”
“I’m sure I will, someday. But it’s weird. Sandeep was totally convincing. I didn’t think he was a player.”
“That’s the thing about guys like him. They don’t necessarily mean to be deceitful. They’re deceiving themselves, too.”
“What a waste of time. Next time he calls, I’m going to tell him not to call me again. I’ve had enough. You know what the worst part is? It’s that he made me feel sorry for him. He always said how he was in such a tight spot. How it was torture to be falling in love with me while still worrying about his girlfriend.”
“I can’t believe he used the L word.”
“Me neither. Max wants to beat him up.”
“Oh, really?”
She glares at me. “Don’t say it like that. Max is just being a friend. We chat online sometimes.”
“Do you still care about him?”
She nods, her expression softening. “Neither of us stopped caring. But until we graduate, there’s no point in even talking about it. It’s so unfair. If Max and I could have just been together, I wouldn’t have had to bother with a loser like Sandeep. But sometimes I’m tired of being alone.”
I couldn’t blame her. Except for the few weeks she’d dated Max on the sly, she’s never had a boyfriend. It isn’t fair.
But then, in love and romance, is anything fair?
Do You Have “Best Guy in the Room” Syndrome?
It’s human nature that wherever we are, we’re aware of the attractive people around us. Say there are only two guys in your workplace. Those guys will automatically become more attractive to you because they’re the only guys around.
My point is this: you might find yourself crushing on someone you wouldn’t have been interested in otherwise just because you’re with him on a regular basis. In fact, you may find yourself lowering your standards—or throwing them out entirely—just because he’s the only guy available. This is especially true if you’re not meeting new guys anywhere else.
Are you crushing on that guy in your workplace because you really like him, or just because he’s there? Think about it.
When I finish the blog, I realize what I’m really
writing about: Viv’s situation. If she had several eligible Indian guys to choose from, I bet she wouldn’t have bothered to listen to Sandeep’s sob story. The problem is, Viv meets so few guys that meet her criteria that she became emotionally invested in him, even though he didn’t meet her most basic requirement: being single.
“Something’s going on between you and Jared, isn’t it?”
I swivel around to face Sharese. “Why would you say that?” I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks, so I duck into my locker to grab my books, hoping she doesn’t notice.
“You guys are always looking at each other, especially when the other one isn’t looking. He stares at you like a lost puppy or something.”
“Lost puppy?” I was hoping she’d say a sex-starved medieval warrior.
“Yeah, and you’re no better. What’s going on?”
I look around to make sure no one in the crowded hallway is close enough to hear. “He wants me back. A few weeks ago, he wrote me this long email saying how it was a mistake to break up with me and he wants me to give him another chance.”
“Wow! Are you guys seeing each other in secret?”
“No. I haven’t made up my mind yet.”
“Why not?”
“What do you mean, why not?”
“I thought you loved him.”
“I did. I mean, maybe I do, but…”
“So what’s the hesitation?”
I stare at her. “I thought you hated Jared.”
“I did, but only because he broke up with you. I liked him before that. I can unhate him again. Just say the word.”
“So you think I should take him back?”
“Only if it’s what you want.”
“I don’t know. All my instincts say to get back with him, but I don’t trust those instincts anymore. I told him I needed some time before I could give an answer.”
“You’re not punishing him, are you?”
“I don’t think so. I want to do the right thing. I want everything I’ve been through to mean something, not be put in the past and forgotten. Does that make sense?”
“Of course it does. And if you get back together with him, you won’t forget what it was like when you’d broken up and you were trying to get over him. I bet you won’t take anything for granted.”
“Do you think I did before?”
“Not you in particular. I think most people do, though. They find that special person and it’s all pretty straightforward. Jared made a mistake by dumping you, but if you love him, maybe you can forgive him and put all that behind you.”
“I forgave him a while ago. At least, that’s what I told myself. But then he asked me to take him back, and now I’m all messed up again.”
“You’re afraid that if he did that to you once, he could do it again.”
I don’t say anything, but I know she’s hit the mark.
That evening Sharese’s words echo in my mind. Having been rejected by Jared once, I can’t help but be afraid it will happen again.
I remind myself that I got dumped by a cute Frenchman within my initial rebound equation. That was definitely a double whammy if there ever was one. Okay, so maybe I’ve proven that I can take major rejection. But do I want to leave myself open to another one?
Is the chance to be with Jared again worth the risk?
And suddenly, finally, the answer is obvious.
I usually don’t leave the house this late—it’s past nine-thirty on a school night—but I can’t wait any longer to get this off my chest. Mom and Erland aren’t home, so I don’t need to make an awkward explanation about where I’m going.
It’s a humid night with a slight breeze, and I can taste summer in the air. I jog to the subway station, descending to the underground platform. My stomach is flipping over with nerves, and I tell myself to relax. I have to get this over with.
When I get to his house, I don’t particularly want to ring the doorbell. It could wake Gina, and it would be awkward if she answered the door, considering I haven’t seen her in so long. I wonder if I should throw rocks at his window to get his attention. It would be romantic, but I’d hate to damage the window. So, standing on the lawn, I use my cell to call his.
“Hello?” he answers.
“Are you at home?”
“Yeah. Where are you?”
“Outside your house.”
“Seriously?” His voice hikes up, almost cracking.
“Yeah. Wanna come for a walk?”
“Déjà vu. I’ll be right out.”
Ten seconds later, he emerges from the front door, jumping off the porch and looking around. He spots me. “Hey, Kayla.” He sounds slightly out of breath, as if he ran down the stairs.
“Hi. My answer is yes.”
His eyes widen. “Yes? You’ll take me back?”
I smile. “Yes means yes.”
And then I feel his warm lips cover my smile, and our mouths fuse together in a long, breathless moment. When he finally pulls away, I’m downright dizzy. There was more I wanted to say but hormones have hijacked my brain.
He’s hugging me tight, so tight we breathe together. God, it feels so good to feel his heart beating against my chest. This feels right. This is right.
Minutes pass without words, just holding and kissing each other.
“I was sure you were going to say no.”
“I wanted to say yes this whole time, but something was holding me back. Fear, I think. I was afraid that if we got back together you’d break up with me again.”
“I told you, I’m not going to do that.”
“Not soon, you won’t. But you can’t promise you’ll never do it. I don’t want you to promise that. I can’t say I won’t change my mind one day either. Let’s just be honest about how we feel. If we’re having doubts, we have to tell each other.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t more open with you before.”
“No more apologizing, Jared. We’re starting over.”
“Okay. I won’t apologize to you anymore. But I think I’d better apologize to your friends. Either that, or hire a bodyguard.” He laughs. “Hey, did you ever hear our new song on MySpace?”
“Yeah.” I squeeze his hands. “I bet you wrote it.”
He smiles. “I hoped you’d figure it out. I wanted to sing it myself, but the guys voted me down. We all know Tom’s a much better singer.”
“He’d be more likely to win American Idol, sure. But your voice is far sexier.”
His mouth curves up. “Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
He whispers the lyrics in my ear. “I want you, I need you back in my life. Take me back, angel. Don’t leave me here in hell.”
I shiver at his words and the feel of him so close. It’s like when we first got together, this incredible electricity.
He pulls back, brushing a few strands out of my face, his expression rueful. “Maybe I wouldn’t win an award for original lyrics, but I meant every word.”
“I know.” And I kiss him again.
The next morning, when Jared and I lock eyes in the hallway, I feel myself melt. But we can’t approach each other for a good-morning kiss, since I haven’t told my friends yet, and I don’t want to startle them with the news. I have plans to watch a movie with them at Viv’s tonight, so I’ll break the news then.
Throughout the day, last night plays in my head like a romantic movie, complete with declarations of love and passionate embraces. Although Jared invited me in, I said no because I knew that once I got comfortable in his bedroom, it would be doubly hard to leave, and I didn’t want to get home too late. We have plenty of time to get to know each other again, to get close again. There’s no need to rush it. Not that thoughts of being in his arms don’t excite me in an unholy way!
At lunchtime in the caf, I can feel his eyes on me, and I return his gaze when my friends aren’t looking. His eyes are smoldering, and his smile is subtle and wicked. He’s trying to drive me crazy, and it’s working.
When I
get home from school, Mom and Erland are both home, so I figure it’s as good a time as any to tell them the news. I’m not as nervous telling them as I will be telling my friends, because they never bashed Jared after the breakup, and Mom even said once that she missed him. So I tell them, explaining how it happened and how I took my time in making the decision. Their reaction is to smile and give approval.
“If you’re happy, we’re happy,” Mom says, and Erland echoes that with a nod. “Jared’s welcome for any Sunday dinner. Just give me some advance notice so I can get a pie. We haven’t had key lime pie in a while, have we, Erland?”
Mom and I will have to talk about that sometime. Boyfriend or not, this girl deserves her key lime pie.
I do a little yoga breathing, but it doesn’t help. What does help, though, is that I know Sharese supports my decision to get back together with Jared and has promised to unhate him right away.
I expect a collective “Are you insane?” and I’m ready for it. Unfortunately, before I can work up the courage to speak, they put on a movie, so I have to wait two hours before I tell them. When the movie ends and Viv starts flicking through the channels, I say, “I’ve got news.”
They turn their heads my way. I have everyone’s attention.
“This is something I’ve thought through for weeks. It’s not an impulse decision.”
“You sound like you’re going to have a sex change,” Amy says. “Just tell us already!”
“Jared and I…”
“I knew it!” Viv exclaims. “I knew you were going to get back together. It was just a matter of time. Didn’t I tell you that last week, Ryan?”
“You did. You saw it coming.” Ryan turns to me. “How’d this happen?”
I tell them the story, emphasizing how Jared had just needed time to figure things out in the first place and never meant to hurt me. When I’m through, Ryan shrugs. “I guess we can forgive him. It’s not like he cheated on you.”
The Oracle Rebounds Page 15
