“Maybe, but you like it too.”
And, boy did she. Giving into her kitty’s wants she let a low purr vibrate through her chest as she rubbed her cheek on him before tucking her head under his chin. A contented sigh slipped from her lips.
They sat like that for a few moments and she was thankful he wasn’t pushing her to talk right away. Breathing in his scent, cuddling into his warmth, settled the discontent she’d been feeling within her animal. The damned cat curled up and for once wasn’t trying to take over. But Zeke, being who he was, had to break the spell.
“Talk, babe. Tell me your story.”
Amie really didn’t want to. She’d been ashamed for so long, and to share it with him would be so hard. She opened her mouth and slowly shut it again. She groaned. “I don’t want to tell you.”
He tsked at her but kept up the slow, rhythmic petting. “I’ll start, then, with what I’ve gathered through the rumor mill and you stop me if I say something wrong. Okay?”
She nodded against his chest and closed her eyes. This was going to suck.
“Amie Dorner. Age twenty-seven? Moved to the outskirts of town four years ago. She’s reclusive, quiet and has a mean streak a mile wide. This girl, well, she likes to play pranks on people, but everyone in town still loves her. She bought a cabin in the woods, a little thing, and has been working on it ever since. I think Ms. Dorner is a shifter, but I haven’t seen her supposed kitty yet. Oh, and she loves apple pie.” He chuckled under her cheek. “That piece of information I got straight from Mama’s mouth. She said you come into the diner at least twice a week for her apple crumb pie.”
Internally groaning at that little fact, she waited for him to continue. So far nothing painful had been said. Most of it was true, well, maybe not the mean streak. Or that everyone loved her. She knew that was a lie. Not with her ability to cause trouble for everyone. She wasn’t loveable. And she didn’t like being mean or vindictive… Okay maybe I do.
“Let’s see. Amie moved here from someplace out west, never speaks of family, and keeps everyone as far from her as she can. If you catch a glimpse of her when she thinks no one is watching, she gets a wistful look on her gorgeous face, but still makes sure to never let her guard down. Even for the man fate says should be her mate, which has really hurt him.”
Blinking quickly she stroked Zeke’s stomach. “Sorry.” Her voice was thick. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
He kissed the top of her head. “I know. Want to know what I think happened to drive you to our little town?”
“I don’t want to do this.” Her whispered confession was met with another brush of his lips against her head. She turned her face into his chest and sighed. “Okay.”
“I think,” he paused. “I think something pretty bad happened to Amie. I’m fairly sure that whatever it is wasn’t her fault, but it put a chasm between her and the rest of the world, including her animal. I think that if she’d open up and talk about it, things might seem a little easier. And, I know that her mate would be happy to do whatever is needed to make her happy.”
Letting the tears fall and slide wetly down her cheeks was new. She didn’t allow herself to cry because, what did it ever solve? But this one time, with his strong arms wrapped so tightly around her, she gave herself permission to break down. Sucking in one shuddering breath had his embrace shifting some. A warm palm pressed lightly against the back of her head, cradling her to his chest. He began to rock slowly in time with his constantly moving strokes down her back.
“Let it out, babe. Let me be strong enough for you, at least this one time.” His words were the keys to the door she kept it all shoved behind. Her emotions, the hurts, the fear. She let it all tumble out, drowning her in the past. Tears and anguish poured from her, drenching her clothes, her soul.
A single, gut-wrenching cry left her lips. It may have only sounded like “Why?” but it held so many more questions. Why had her father abandoned her when she needed him? Why had she been punished for a simple mistake? Had she really been that bad of a child? Had she deserved to be cast away, rebuked?
She cried for the lost connection with her bobcat, for the loss of her carefree childhood, for the brother she’d been blamed for killing. She wept in body-shaking sobs for the father who should have loved her, should have cared for her and, instead, had turned his back on her with such ease.
Words started tumbling out through numb lips. Statements she’d held in her chest for far too long. “I was twelve. My father had given in and let me outside. My brothers and I were out practicing our ambush skills. My older one, Matt, he stayed in human form. My younger one, Kenny… God, Kenny. I haven’t spoken his name aloud in fifteen years. Kenny was ten. We were running around, chasing each other, playing tag. All the warning we had was the pop of an air rifle. I remember the fire of the tranquilizer as it burned through my system. I tried to get Matt’s attention, tried to make sure Kenny was okay before I blacked out.”
A shudder rattled her bones. Strong arms kept her from shaking apart.
“I woke in a cage in the back of a pickup truck. There were human researchers sitting next to us, staring at us, discussing their find. Kenny was in the other cage and he wasn’t breathing well. The wheezing was loud, but maybe they couldn’t hear it over the rumble of the road or the wind? I don’t know, but I tried to draw their attention to him, tried to get someone to look at him, to recognize he was hurt.”
The smell of exhaust and road dust invaded her nose. The grit between her teeth crunched as she licked her lips. On shaky paws she scooted closer to the other cage and mewled toward her brother. His tongue hung out of his mouth and looked white against the black around his mouth. Pawing at the metal she tried to get to him, tried to reach him.
“Shh, I’ve got you.” Zeke’s rumble against her cheek pulled her from the memory.
“He died. God, he died right there and I couldn’t get to him. I wanted to, but I knew I couldn’t shift in front of the people. I listened to his last couple of rattling breaths and watched him slip away. I couldn’t even cry for him. When we reached the center they unloaded me first and I freaked out. I was yowling and scratching at the metal. I needed to be with him, but they didn’t understand.”
A corner of the sheet came into her tear-hazed view. Zeke continued to rock her as he wiped the moisture from her cheek. Her teeth chattered as she hiccupped. He bent them both sideways a little and pulled a well-used afghan around her shoulders.
“Thanks.” She sniffled. “They knocked me out again. The last memory I have of Kenny was his limp body being dragged out of a cage and dumped on the dirt parking lot.”
“Oh, babe.” Zeke continued to rock her lightly and stroke her back. Her gasps for breath between hiccups and sobs were loud in the quiet cabin. She opened herself to the pain of losing her brother, and the deeper pain of not really remembering him. His face was just a blurry memory, surrounded by the echo of a child’s laugh and a prankster’s giggle.
“I don’t even have pictures of him. How sad is that?” She laughed bitterly.
Zeke was quiet, calm and steady, his heartbeat soothed her turmoil and gave her the strength to continue.
“The researchers kept me for a few days. Governmental red tape kept me from a quick release. While the group worked with state officials I was kept in a big barn with animal enclosures. They weren’t bad to me but it was scary. Every time the outer door of the barn opened I expected to see my dad come strolling in. I knew he’d save me. He was our pack leader. I was his only daughter, and I knew he’d ride in, raise some hell and get me out. As each hour slipped by I started to wonder, but I had faith in him. He was a big bad shifter, right? Never before had control been allowed to slip from his fingers. He’d figure out a way to get me out.
“Three days into my stay the head researcher talked about releasing me back to the wild, but in a different place. I’d been eating and mourning, being meek and mild to keep them from drugging me again. Seems my behavior and hea
lth had impressed them. See, I was a young, healthy female. They’d hoped to add me to a habitat rich in males and rabbits.”
The hand stilled on her back for an instant and she loved the feel of his growl as it worked up his throat. “Easy big guy. I was twelve, remember?”
“Hmph.”
He started to stroke her back again and she continued. The pressure in her chest had eased some, and even though the memories hurt, it was nice to be comforted through her pain. “They knocked me out again and the next thing I knew I was waking up in a forest I didn’t know, wearing a tracking collar and was being watched by the researchers. I should have been happy, right? Released and no longer in captivity, but I had no idea where I was. I’d only explored the woods near our home.”
The questions he wanted to ask seemed to translate through his limbs, telegraphing to her with ease. Amie shook her head, breathing deeply again to calm her cat and herself. “I was terrified and panicked. Instead of stumbling away from them as expected by a wild animal I tried to crawl back to the people who’d been my protectors. I mewled pitifully because I couldn’t make my legs work right. I made it maybe ten feet, panting heavily, when the head researcher rounded the rest of the group up and headed to their trucks. They were all slapping each other on the backs, congratulating each other on a job well done. I watched them leave me in a silent woods and lost myself inside the cat. She knew what needed to be done. We needed to hide before a predator found us, recover our senses and muscle control, and then hunt.”
“God, Amie. You were so young. I don’t think I would have survived without going feral if that had happened to me. I’m so sorry, babe.” His whispered words soothed her, and brought a tiny smile to her lips. She sighed when his lips pressed lightly against her forehead.
She rested against his chest for a few moments, enjoying the contact and the lightness of her soul. She’d never told anyone all of this story before, not trusting anyone to accept her after she’d admitted it all. In her adult brain she tried to accept she wasn’t responsible for Kenny’s death, but most of the time the piece of her that still was a terrified twelve-year-old harbored a mountain of guilt for not doing something different, or more, so he hadn’t died.
Silence wrapped warmly around them, allowing her to delve into the next set of memories without losing control of her bobcat. Interestingly enough, the kitty was quiet, listening to the story and giving comfort and strength to Amie throughout the telling. It’s the closest they’d been since the horrible experiences that summer. Her cat sent her the image of rubbing their faces together and it made a small bubble of joy rise through her sorrow.
Zeke cleared his throat. “There’s more isn’t there? I can feel the tension in your shoulders. What happened?”
Spit it out. She inhaled deeply letting his scent roll around on her tongue like a sweet and tangy wine. This was the difficult part, though. It’s over. Let it out, he won’t judge. She hoped. “My dad and brother found me about half a mile from the research barn two days later and attacked me in animal form. They nearly killed me for Kenny’s death.”
Chapter Seven
Rage like nothing Zeke had experienced before burned through him. Red edged his vision. His canines lengthened, while his lips pulled back from his teeth, the snarl filled with hatred for her father. A growl of fury rolled up his throat. Both he and his coyote reacted the same way. Protect our mate. The problem was there was nothing to save her from, not now. No. Because her father, the only man beyond her mate who should have done everything to shelter and coddle her, had instead attacked her. At twelve years old. After days of being in animal form, away from her family, alone and scared.
His body shook with the confusion of emotions ripping through his system. Both he and his animal needed something to do to prove he’d never allow her to be in harm’s way again. While she’d talked he’d tried to keep both his reaction and his animal’s under control. It’d all happened so long before, there was nothing for him to do to make it better other than to offer sympathy, comfort and love. But to hear her voice, dead and flat, discussing an action so horrible, was too much for his tenuous hold.
Trying to rein it back was tough, but he could feel Amie stiffening in his arms. He’d have time later to let his rage out. Calm, collected, relaxed. He chanted those three words internally while breathing in the sadness-soaked scent of his mate.
“Let me go.” Amie’s words finally snapped him completely out of his anger. She struggled to climb off his lap and escape his arms. “Zeke, let me go. I knew telling you would be a bad idea.”
He slowly loosened his embrace some but stilled her squirming with a quick squeeze. “Wait. I’m sorry, I was trying to keep from getting angry at them, I really was, but to hear about their attack on you…” He sighed. “I lost it for a moment. Don’t go, please.”
She sat for a moment, ramrod straight, looking away from him, jaw clenched tight. Her words shook him to his core. “See, this is why I didn’t tell anyone. They were justified in doing it. Sure, they both took it a little far, but it was my fault, or at least the fact that we’d been caught was. It was the right punishment.”
He was shocked. “You were twelve.”
She turned beseeching eyes on him. “But I was older. I was supposed to keep him safe, even if Matt had been with us, I was older than Kenny. I should have done more to keep him from being taken, or to bring the attention to him while we were in the truck. I promised my dad that I’d never allow anything bad to happen to my brothers. It was the only reason I was allowed outside. I could have saved him and I didn’t.”
Zeke fought the urge to shake her. What the fuck had her thinking such bullshit? Something must have crossed his face because she closed down. Right there, perched on his lap, Amie shut down. Her face smoothed, no longer holding any emotions, her beautiful hazel eyes glossing over.
“I’m done talking.” She slid from his immobile arms. “You have medicine to take.”
He was losing her. His brain scrambled to come to grips with the conversation, the guilt she carried, the wrongness of her family’s reaction and everything else she’d told him. The need to have her back in the circle of his arms was a physical ache.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what you think I was thinking, but it wasn’t bad.”
“No. It’s okay. You need to get better, and the only way to do that is for you to be pain-free and comfortable. I should have given this to you right after dinner.” Her voice was flat and quiet. She’d walked purposefully to the kitchenette and efficiently collected his pain pills, filled a glass of water and grabbed the lotion. Refusing to meet his eyes she walked back, back straight and shoulders squared. She pushed the glass and pills toward him. “Here.”
Zeke took the medicine and dutifully swallowed them, downing the rest of the water in the glass as well. He watched her struggle with herself to apply the lotion to his rash areas. Obviously she either didn’t want to be too close or she assumed he’d grab her.
Fuck. He floundered, his thoughts spinning in a circle of uselessness. What the hell could he do it bring her back? How to explain that he didn’t blame her, and that she shouldn’t be taking responsibility for any of it? Accidents were just that, accidents.
“Did you know that Pete fell down a ravine when we were kids and broke his leg?”
He was as surprised by his statement as she seemed.
“What?” She blinked a few times, then finally looked up and met his gaze.
What indeed. He fumbled around, stuttering in his haste to keep her looking at him. “Um, yeah, we were out behind our house screwing around. We were supposed to be collecting firewood for a campfire, but I hit him with a stick and he chased me. I jumped over a downed tree and used another one to whip around. He didn’t do so well behind me and went ass over teakettle past the tree. Before he could catch his footing he’d slipped down the embankment of this big ravine. Needless to say he didn’t land well. Knocked himself right out.”
Onc
e he started talking he saw where his brain was going with it. He settled back a little against his pillows. “I’ll tell you the rest and give you some blackmail-worthy information if you’ll sit here with me.”
She chewed her lip for a moment but then nodded, sliding onto the mattress at his hip. Even with her trepidation and anxiety he could see the curiosity twinkling in her eyes.
“Good.” He ran through the memories and formulated his story before continuing. “So, big bad Pete was laying at the bottom of this steep hill, right? I stared down at him, yelling, but he didn’t respond. So, I threw a clump of dirt at him. I thought maybe he was faking, but when that splatted his chest and he still didn’t move I got really scared. I knew my parents were going to be pissed, so I ran to our fort, really nothing but a pile of logs we’d leaned against a tree. I should have run for help, he could have been really hurt, but instead I hunkered down in the dirt. I was crying and sniveling like a loser until well after dark. Even when my mom was yelling for me I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to get in trouble for getting Pete hurt and—”
“Wait.” She was scowling and he tried to not smile. “You hid from your parents after Pete tried to tackle you and fell? It was an accident. Why did you think you’d get in trouble?”
“I was Corey’s age or maybe a little older.” He snorted. “We’d been told a million times not to play by the edge. I can still hear my mom telling us that someone was going to fall down it and break their heads open. I was sure that’s what happened.” He shrugged.
Her eyes widened. “You were so little. Cory’s what? Ten? You didn’t get in trouble did you? I mean, sure you guys shouldn’t have been screwing around, but you were kids being kids.”
“Pete was grounded for about two weeks from his comic books and television. Pfft. Not that he did anything but sleep for the five days it took him to heal the bump on his head. And he whined so much about the itch under the cast he had to wear for those two weeks that eventually my mom let him have his comics back.”
Switching Gears: Coyote Bluff Series Book 3 Page 6
