by K. F. Breene
“You blackmailing fucker!” Krista said with a laugh. “You know too much.”
Sean shrugged as he got out various food items from cabinets and the fridge. “I know more than you think, young lady. I pay attention for just such an occasion.” He glanced at her with those clear eyes, deeper now then she could ever remember, and gave her a wink.
Sean dumped some vegetables in front of her with a chopping board and a knife.
“Make yourself useful,” he said with an eye-twinkle.
“Not ordering in?”
“Not tonight. A home-cooked meal is best for the flu, I think.”
Smiling, she did as she was told. She wasn’t an expert in the kitchen, but she did know enough to get a hot dinner on the table. Eating out was expensive.
“Does Marcus know we live so close to each other?” She didn’t bother to look up in case she might cut off a finger.
“No one knows I live out here, actually. It’s not something anyone really asks.”
“So he doesn’t know we spend so much time together?”
After finishing her carrot, she belatedly realized she hadn’t gotten a response. She glanced up to see if Sean was in the middle of some cooking extravaganza and saw that he was braced against the counter again, looking at her with eyes that went all the way to his soul. They contained equal parts longing and wariness.
“What?” she asked in confusion. “I’m not saying spending time, as in, like, you know. I’m just saying hanging out. Like you and Ray. Or me and Ben. You know, chums.”
There was a silent beat, then he said, “No. No one knows. I think it’s probably better that way.”
Sean’s words were clipped and precise. It was not something he wanted to discuss. It was a book he wanted shut.
Krista lowered her head back to the chopping board. She got that he didn’t want to share intimacy. She’d shut him down physically twice now. Plus, she just dumped a whole lot of baggage on his doorstep with stories from the past. But the fact that he didn’t want anyone to know they were friends was a jolt. Keeping this hush-hush, as innocent as it was, meant he thought he was doing something wrong. It meant he was hiding her from everyone, like she was an embarrassing little secret.
Suddenly she just wanted to go home. She didn’t want to play on this emotional battlefield anymore. She had known plenty of bosses who hung out with their subordinates, and he wasn’t even her boss. Christ, he had sex with a co-worker, but he was worried about being friends?
“Krista, I just think people would get the wrong idea. I have a reputation, you know? I would hate for those kinds of rumors to be spread about you.”
She shrugged, “No problem. I hadn’t said anything before now because I hadn’t thought it was a big deal. Continuing not to say anything is equally not a big deal.” She marveled at how light her voice sounded. Maybe she should be the actor.
Sean didn’t say anything else, and Krista didn’t look up to see his reaction. He turned on some music, and they made the rest of the dinner with light words and small talk. He made chicken soup, which turned out to be the best chicken soup Krista had ever tasted. She said as much.
They were on the couch at that point, watching sports highlights. It wasn’t something Krista ever cared to watch, but she also didn’t care enough to get him to change the channel. She wasn’t a big TV watcher anyway.
Sean looked over at her with a small smile and a thank you. His eyes were soft. He obviously felt sorry for their conversation earlier. It didn’t change the fact that it was true. That he was hiding his friendship with her. And one thing was for sure, Krista was not okay with being anyone’s dirty little secret.
Speaking of dirty little secrets-- “What ever happened to Ben’s painting, by the way?”
Sean looked up from his bowl with guilty eyes. “I… haven’t put it up yet. I need to clear a space.”
Krista looked down at her soup. What she wanted to say was: I bet you would have it up if it didn’t have anything to do with me. “Oh.”
“I want to move the furniture around and everything.”
“Sure. Makes sense.”
Sean left it, uncomfortably, at that. Krista finished her soup.
Words that needed to be said weren’t. Explanations were not forthcoming. Krista’s heart started to sink, as it did so often in Sean’s company. This game was starting to get old. He’d been after her whole hog until he learned more about her, and now he was driving distance between them while trying to keep her a secret. It was weird and messed up and so unfair.
Although, with Krista’s life, it was par for the course. She had no idea why she was surprised anymore.
Chapter Ten
A week passed in a haze of work, thankfully leaving no time for any more uncomfortable and shaming dinners. Kate was lightening the load dramatically, but still, she was only one girl. What made it worse was that she got “help” from her research department that a monkey wouldn’t accept. Appealing for help from John only landed her in hot water, John making the point that since she’d so graciously acknowledged he couldn’t get proper work out of them, that she could. Right?
His smile had cleverly hid a razor blade.
Monday morning, more than a week after the uncomfortable dinner with Sean, after which they parted ways amid thick silences and wary looks, Krista had just finished a depressing meeting with Mr. Montgomery, in which she tried to shame him, push him, and then finally threatened him with the knowledge that she was the research star at the moment, and he was barely hanging on to his job, she’d slunk into Marcus with post-meeting gossip.
Strangely, Marcus was quiet. It was very uncharacteristic of him. He was, instead, looking with intense focus at his computer.
“Are you sick?” Krista asked as she approached.
He jumped about ten feet. “Geegee, cripes, sneak up on a guy...”
He only spared her a glance, and then turned back to the screen.
“Well, I was going to give you some gossip first-hand, and also look busy and important, but if you want to miss the goods...”
He gave her the index finger, implying she should wait, finished reading, then turned to her with a smile. “I was just finishing the account of what the meeting sounded like from outside the office. Fill me in!”
“How--” she looked at his screen and saw it was an email from some name she didn’t recognize. “It wasn’t nearly that bad—but I did threaten him with termination.”
“I heard! Yelled it more like! How’d he take it?”
Krista shook her head, completely embarrassed. Kate and Jasmine hadn’t been kidding at the barbecue, she tended to get a little…riled up when things didn’t go her way in a pressured setting. “He…wasn’t pleased…”
“You are one tough and scary bitch! I’m glad you’re on my side,” he said, his lips lifting slowly into a languid smile.
“Yeah but, what about the bluff and all that? I mean, Mr. Montgomery was pissed! Beyond pissed, actually!”
Marcus sat back and laughed with glee. “I bet! The lowest on the totem pole made him look like a baboon. But who can he complain to? His boss won’t listen because right now you are the most important researcher we have.”
“Well, I scared two of them. But if they find out I totally bluffed then all for naught, you know?”
“We’ll just have to keep the rumor-mill focused then, won’t we?” Marcus said in delight.
Just then his phone rang. He checked to see who it was, grimaced and picked up. “Marcus at your service, Captain—images are almost done, before you ask... Seriously, within the hour... Just Krista...Yup, okay.” Then he hung up and shook his head.
“That man knows me too well. If I dally on anything he is calling me. If I refuse to answer, he comes down in person and breaks up the party. It is really killing my social life!”
“Somehow I doubt that,” Krista laughed.
Marcus shrugged in that easy way he had. “Captain wants you to report to the wheelhouse.�
�
“Ugh, I can’t handle any more work. Seriously, I am about to rupture, and I don’t even have a social life.”
“Whining doesn’t become you, dearest. Besides, you can get the dirt on him.”
Krista paused halfway to standing. “What do you mean?”
“He looks really tired but he leaves by 6 every night. He is never here on Saturdays, only Sundays, but seems to work from somewhere else. What’s more, he is secretive about what--or who—he’s doing.”
Krista hadn’t noticed any of this. Ever since she’d come to the conclusion she was his dirty little secret, she hadn’t had much to do with him at all outside of work. While at work it wasn’t much better—he seemed to know something was amiss, but obviously didn’t have a clue as to what it was. Instead of asking, like an adult, so they could discuss it—even though she really didn’t want to—he tried to beguile her. Or manipulate her. He had no end of tactics, and Krista had only one response: Ignoring him and doing her work, secretly smiling that she was driving him crazy.
No, she wasn’t being much of an adult either, but he started it!
“Does anyone you know have those same hours? Like Monica for example?” Krista asked hesitantly.
She shouldn’t care who he was seeing. Shouldn’t being the operative word.
“No! I thought it might be Jennifer from Accounting. She’s cute and available--also has moon eyes for him. Always trying to get him alone, cornered, what have you. But I’ve seen her stay a few times when Sean has definitely left early.”
“Then it has to be someone outside the office. But...it seems a little regular for a girlfriend, doesn’t it?”
“Maybe he has finally fallen in l’amore. He is staying up late doing the nasty, leaving on time to get to her house—it’s plausible. I was like that with my boyfriend at first.”
“Which one?” Krista said sarcastically, to which Marcus just laughed. “Hmmm. I don’t know. I would say I’ll sniff around, but we don’t really talk all that much. Not even at work.” Krista couldn’t hide the pout in her voice.
Marcus laughed all the harder. “Oh poor thing! You aren’t the favorite anymore? Now you’re on the same level as the rest of us, huh? The young stud is tired of your beauty?”
Krista huffed, “Shut up. It’s no wonder, though. How can I look pretty when I don’t even have time to shower?”
“True statement.” Marcus’s phone rang again. He looked at the caller ID, got panicked, and yelled at her. “Go! Hurry! Get up to his office before he comes down here!”
As Krista walked out of the art department a few people glanced up, saw it was her, and stared. After she passed they quickly turned to their keyboards. The rumor mill had begun, and this time she was undoubtedly the center of attention.
Joy.
She just hoped she came out on top.
More pressing matters concerned Sean, though. Who was he seeing? She knew why it was a secret—so it wouldn’t get back to her. Maybe that’s the reason he didn’t want it known they were hanging out. Maybe it was someone at work.
She reached his office and knocked. He had a rumpled shirt on and jeans. There were bags under his eyes and his hair was disheveled, but he seemed more relaxed somehow. Tired, but content. He seemed at peace with himself.
It could be surfing. She knew surfing helped him find his Chi, Qi, or whatever.
But he had always done that. And he wouldn’t leave work regularly for it.
Sex would do it, though.
But would he leave work regularly for booty? Maybe a few days a week, but every day?
Of course, Marcus didn’t come up here every day. Maybe it was a few times a week and Marcus was exaggerating.
Oh God, did he have a girlfriend?
He looked up and caught her stare. His brow furrowed as he gestured for her to sit.
“How did it go?” he asked.
“Are you seeing someone?” she blurted. Then winced. She had a hard time keeping the lid on her mouth when she was tired.
He stared at her, hard. “Why are you asking me this?”
That wasn’t what she thought he would say. She thought he would say that it was none of her business, thank you very much. Or maybe answer the question. Or a joke, perhaps?
It was true, per their working agreement of staying out of each other’s sexual lives, created at their first meeting, she had crossed the line. But it wasn’t like she was tap-dancing across it or anything. She just barely stuck a toe over. It’s not like she was asking if he’d slept with the whole art department.
Still. She didn’t like that evil stare. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ask. Truly. I’m sorry. Forget I said anything. Uh...the meeting went--”
“Why are you asking?” he asked again, his eyes intense.
“I--it’s nothing. Just that some people were wondering why you leave at certain times, and why you look so tired. Stuff like that. Then I noticed you seem content, uh, relaxed. You know. But I didn’t mean to voice that thought. It is none of my business. Sorry. Let’s move on.” The hole she was digging for herself was nice and big. She could now just lie down and bury herself peacefully.
“Which people?”
“Honestly, Sean, it is no big deal. It isn’t anyone’s business. I didn’t mean to ask. I don’t even want to know. Can we just--can I just tell you about the meeting?”
“I thought you were over gossiping about me?”
“I was. Am. I didn’t seek it out. It was just--someone asked and I wondered, is all. It wasn’t a conversation or anything.”
“Why were they asking you?” now he was antagonistic.
She felt like he was backing her into a corner. She also felt tears come to her eyes.
Something tore apart in her chest and her breathing started to get labored. She couldn’t look at his focused, fervent eyes. She felt weak and vulnerable. She felt like the girl that Jim screwed over.
She was pretty sure this was over-the-top behavior, but she wasn’t quite sure she’d earned it by asking something as simple as if he was seeing someone. That wasn’t really top secret stuff.
Again, and they said women were irrational?
“Look, I’m sorry.” she wiped the tear from her eye. “We made a deal. Your sex life is none of my business. I had a moment of curiosity, and now I have regained my senses. If you wouldn’t mind, can we talk about work?”
Seeing her distraught, Sean backed off. He didn’t warm up, though.
Krista went through the meeting and the bluffs at the end. Through the whole thing Sean gave her a hard stare. By the end she wanted to curl up and die.
When Krista was finishing up his phone rang. He pushed divert after he read who it was, and then turned back to her, his eyes emerald ice. “Thank you. Do you have anything else?”
“No.”
He nodded. She was excused. Bad ending to a bad meeting.
That night, Krista grabbed her running garb and took to the beach. She pushed herself to the point of pain, desperately wanting to feel something other than heartache. She blacked out her mind and let the crashing of the waves carry her thoughts away.
It wasn’t until she found herself slowing down in front of Sean’s house that she realized she wanted to fix this thing that went wrong. She wanted to clear the air. They’d always had open communication, and she would use it now.
She found herself crossing the street in determination before she realized his blinds were open. And the light was on. And he was standing at the window looking out!
She just about dove behind a parked car to hide. Laughing at her own creep factor, she continued to cross the street, waiting for him to look down and notice her. Friendship and only friendship was better than this half-life she was living. She would bring up the issue about keeping her a secret and work out a compromise. There had to be a way.
When she was in the middle of the street, still looking up at him, he turned away. It took two more steps to realize he turned toward someone. One more rev
ealed it was a woman. A pause and a jaw drop saw him kissing her.
She nearly choked on her heart. The pain was as terrifying as it was unexpected. They were laughing and talking and having a merry ol’ time. Krista, in the middle of the street, continued to stare. Apparently she didn’t actually think it was another woman earlier today; she’d thought his tiredness had some other explanation. Apparently she was a freaking moron!
Her heart imploded and her chest sunk in. A horn blared.
She about-faced, stared down the car as if she wasn’t stupidly standing in its way, and took herself back to the path. Her body already hurt a little, but when she started sprinting, it hurt all that much more.
The pain couldn’t compare with seeing Sean choose someone else.
Chapter Eleven
The next morning she woke up with a startling epiphany: She loved Sean.
All her efforts pushing him away didn’t matter. Her desire for self-preservation didn’t matter. Knowing what he was, how he acted with women, knowing that he would probably use her and leave her didn’t undo the fact that seeing him with someone else, happy with someone else, led to waking up this morning feeling like she couldn’t breathe. It felt like her chest was a gaping hole, pressure pushing out from the inside.
But it wasn’t fair of her to begrudge him happiness because of her unfulfilled feelings. She’d pushed him away, rejected him, said goodbye and dumped her past on him. Why wouldn’t he turn to someone else? And if Krista truly did love him, she’d need to be supportive of his happiness. No matter how much it sucked.
She pretended not to notice last night’s hastily made voodoo doll as she held her chin up and walked to the shower with purpose. She would beat this hurt and be there for Sean, as a friend should. As she would do for Kate or Jasmine.
“Krista?! What are you doing?!”
Ben was looking at her aghast. He quickly shielded his eyes.
She registered a draft.
