by Angel Lawson
“In what way?”
I didn’t know how to say what I meant. “I don’t know, like my crazy dad and my weird high-school days. The anxiety and depression. None of those things really go away. I just feel bad saddling someone else with my effed up genetics.”
The wind blew up from the ocean, ruffling Hayden’s dark hair, and he shot me an amused smile. “You trying to get rid of me? Because that’s not going to happen. I know your dad and your sordid history—I’m part of it.”
He came to a stop, dragging me into his arms. Being around Hayden made me feel safer and more protected than anyone else. Partially from his sheer size but also just his nature. He tilted my chin up and said, “What’s running through your mind, Heaven?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Changes, I guess. Amber moving home. Getting Sadie. The new gym expansion. Things at work are a little hectic. Our lives are progressing and I guess I find it a little scary.”
“Progress is good, babe.” He thumbed my bottom lip, opening it for him, and then bent down to give me a kiss. I allowed myself to sink into him the way I’d been doing since Amber got my mind reeling about the future and kids. Being with them physically kept me grounded, and I didn’t know if it was hormones or fear or what, but I wanted them all the time. Certainly, none of them seemed to mind.
“You’re right,” I told him when we parted. “I’m good. Just being weird.”
“That,” he said, kissing my forehead, “I knew. But listen, if anything’s bothering you, just tell me or the guys. We’re here—always. You know that’s how we do things; we get each other through.”
I knew he meant it, but I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d feel that way if he knew the truth about what I wanted or didn’t want. If they’d still support me. Sadie ran up and shook cold drops of beach water over our feet.
I had a feeling we’d find out soon enough.
7
Heaven
Sadie and I were rounding the corner at the park when a wide stroller blocked our path. Monique, our neighbor, had her hands on the bar across the back—both kids were inside. The boy and girl, both looking like they were nearly the same age, squealed with delight when they saw Sadie. Sadie was also delighted and pulled me to a stop.
“Doggie, doggie,” the girl said. She had on a pink hat with cat ears and shoes coated in glitter.
“Woof, woof,” the boy added in. His hair was a shiny white-blonde and he had brilliant blue eyes.
Monique smiled down at her kids and then looked at me. “Heaven, right? I don’t think we’ve formally been introduced. I’m Monique.”
I shook her hand. “Sorry I’m sweaty.”
“Ugh, I wish I could run again. They’re just too heavy to lug all over the place.”
“You were a runner?” I asked, discreetly checking her out. Monique had one of those bodies that was tight and fit and made you wonder how she’d had two kids already. Her cleavage was on point in her workout tank and her ponytail was messy but in that way that looked good—not like the disheveled mess of my own.
“Back in the day. Now I mostly go to the yoga studio. They have a child care center, which makes it easier for me to get to.”
“Oh, well that make sense.” Both kids leaned over and Sadie happily gave them kisses. “Sadie, stop, no one wants your slobber on them.”
“Oh! They do. They love this dog! We see the guys walking them all the time.”
“She needs a lot of exercise. Otherwise she starts chewing up things.”
Monique laughed and looked down at her kids. “Sound familiar. Why do you think I have them out all the time? They make me nuts indoors.”
I eyed the kids. I can’t imagine Amber having one of these—and soon.
“I have to tell you, I was a little star-struck when I realized we were living down the street from Anderson Thompson. I’m a huge Olympics fan. Then my husband recognized Hayden. How in the world are you friends with both of them?”
“We went to high school together. We’ve all known each other forever.”
“Oh wow, that’s really cool.” The kids started to squirm in their seats—bored with Sadie. “I can’t imagine what it’s like being around them, and not just because that level of athleticism has to be intense.” She fake-fanned herself. “Not that the other two guys are bad looking.”
“No, they’re not.” It came out more defensive than I intended but I didn’t pull back. “But like all guys they’re a handful; messy, distracted, obsessed with work.”
“Tell me about it. My husband is commuting right now and he’s only home on weekends.”
“You’ve got the kids all by yourself all week?” That sounded like a nightmare. Score one more for the no-kids decision.
“Yeah, it’s a lot, but he loves his job and we wanted a house in this neighborhood—in this school district.” She shrugged, but I saw the strain on her face. “Not much I can do about it, though.”
“They seem pretty close in age.”
“Ashley’s two and Davis is three and a half.”
“Wow, that is close.”
“Ashley was definitely a bit of a surprise.” She looked at the girl and smiled. “A good one.”
“Well, let us know if you need anything. One of us is usually around.”
Her expression brightened. “That’s really nice of you, but really I’ve got it under control.” Just then the boy whined about being stuck in the stroller. She rolled her eyes. “Part of that is never stop moving! I guess we’re off to the playground. It was nice to meet you, Heaven.”
“Nice to meet you, too,” I said, meaning it.
We went our separate directions, Sadie leading me back to our neighborhood, and in that very moment I was happy my only responsibility was my dog and the guys.
8
Anderson
Heaven sat on the plush purple chair holding a glass of wine, nervously eating cheese off the plate on the coffee table. She’d been acting weird all afternoon, all the way up to us leaving for the housewarming party at Amber and Ginger’s new house.
“What’s going on with her?” I asked Hayden, who’d just come off the back deck with two cold beers. He glanced over at Heaven, taking her in.
“I don’t know, man. I tried to talk to her about it on the beach and she told me some stuff about the changes in our lives stressing her out. I get it but, I don’t know, we’re really pretty stable right now, don’t you think?”
I took a sip of my beer. “What kind of changes did she mention?”
“The dog. The new gym. Stuff at work.” He looked around the house. “Amber and Ginger moving back.”
“None of that is earthshattering.”
“I didn’t think so, either.”
“Something’s got her rattled. She’s running all the time and I swear to god she’s eaten twelve pieces of cheese in the last three minutes.”
As though she sensed us talking about her, Heaven looks over with a questioning expression. Hayden raised his glass to her and I waved. Wow. We both watched her shove three pieces of cheese in her mouth.
“Maybe she’s just hungry,” I said.
“Maybe.”
I drank the remainder of my beer and carried it over to the counter. Hayden wandered over to talk with Oliver and Ginger. I took the opportunity to head to the hallway bathroom.
I had my hands covered in soap when the door jiggled. “Hold up! Occupied.”
I dried off and opened the door. Heaven stood on the other side.
“Hey—” she pushed me back into the room and followed me in, the door closing behind her with a click. Without hesitation, she fisted her hand in my shirt and pulled me down, pressing her soft, pink lips against mine.
“Remember back in high school how you found me in the hallway of that party, saving me from that asshole Spencer?” she asked suddenly.
I frowned. Why the hell was she talking about Spencer? “Yeah.”
“I wanted you so bad that night. Not like this—not dirty
and horny—but I had the biggest crush on you and god, you hated me.”
“You know I didn’t hate you.” I brushed her hair over her shoulder. “I was being stubborn and jealous.” I wrapped my hand around her hip. “And for the record, I was eighteen, so trust me, I was definitely thinking dirty and horny things about you.”
She laughed, low and husky.
“Are you drunk?” I asked her, having tasted the wine on her tongue.
“Maybe a little.” Her hips pressed into mine and suddenly her intent dawned on me.
“What did you come in here for, Heaven?”
Her blue eyes blazed. “What do you think I came in here for?”
Just her tone made me hard. The look she gave me and the thought of taking her right there. I glanced at the door, like I could see everyone else down the hall and in return they could see me, but the fog of lust overtook me and I muttered, “Dammit,” and crashed my mouth to hers.
I lifted her on the counter, knocking off the box of tissue. “Thank god you wore a skirt,” I said, pushing it up and dragging down her panties. I pulled her to the edge and spread her thighs, my height making the position perfectly doable. Her fingers twisted in my hair, mine lowered my zipper and then I touched her, making sure she was ready.
“Don’t wait,” she told me, reaching to pull me close. Her hand guided me inside and she exhaled, hot against my neck. It was awkward and hurried, sexy and exhilarating. It didn’t take long for her breath to quicken, her body to shiver, her teeth pressed against my shoulder until she crumpled against my body with release. I loved the weight of her against me as I thrusted inside, loving her mouth, her hands, her everything.
“I love you,” I told her, gasping—spilling—inside of her. “I love you so fucking much, do you know that?”
The words came out in a shudder of breath, honest and true. I was damn lucky to have this goddess in my life.
“I do,” she said, kissing my neck, jaw, and mouth. “And I love you, too.”
We stared at one another, content and happy in this awkward moment in our friend’s home, until a knock rapped on the door.
“Time for dinner. You okay?” Hayden asked, obviously noticing our disappearance.
“Yep. Out in a minute,” I replied in as normal a voice I could find.
We cleaned up and I left the small room first, bumping into Hayden at the end of the hall. His eyes skimmed my disheveled appearance. “Everything alright?”
“Uh, yes. Turns out Heaven was hungry for more than just cheese.”
He laughed and shook his head, walking off toward the food. When Heaven joined us a few moments later we all clicked into place, her nervous energy from before dispelled. Maybe that was all she needed, a quick fuck in the bathroom.
God knew it worked for me.
9
Heaven
The encounter with Anderson in the bathroom calmed my nerves—at least a little—for what I knew was coming. Amber had told me they’d found a donor and had the procedure. What she hadn’t told me was whether she was pregnant or not. I had little doubt something was coming and it twisted my stomach into knots.
Dessert had been served, rich chocolate cake with pink and blue flowers on top. The boys were clueless, but I knew…I waited, and my two friends stood at the head of the table, hands intertwined. “We have some news,” Ginger said, unable to fight the smile on her face. She glanced at Amber and together they said, “We’re having a baby.”
The guys reacted predictably, tossing out their congratulations, giving hugs all while I smiled, focusing all my attention on the two women as they explained the process they were going through, the miracle of science, and the decisions they had to make. Amber slipped to the kitchen and returned with a bottle of sparkling cider. Ginger gathered the crystal glasses they’d received at their wedding.
“We went through a long list of donors, but nothing felt right,” Ginger said, filling each glass to the rim. “Finally, we decided to ask my brother. That way, a little piece of my DNA will be in the baby Amber’s going to carry.”
“That’s really cool,” Oliver said, smiling broadly. “I love that your brother is okay with this.”
“It took a little convincing,” she said, “but in the end, he understood. It’s family—it binds us all together.”
Jackson was sitting next to me and leaned over, arm slung over the back of my chair. “Did you know?”
“I knew they were trying.” I took a bite of cake. A big bite.
“Well it’s pretty exciting, right? A baby! I mean, I thought getting a dog was a big decision.”
“It was a big decision, and it turns out, we’re great dog owners.”
He smiled that charming, dimpled grin at me. “Amazing dog owners.”
I looked back at Amber and Ginger. “I think they’ll make good parents, don’t you?”
“Definitely.” I felt his fingers twist in my hair. “Just like we will one day.”
And there it was. The opening. The door. The question--or statement, rather. I knew this would happen once the topic was out there. I knew I’d have to deal with this.
This was the real change I wanted to tell Hayden about on the beach. This was the real reason my nerves were shot so badly I fucked Anderson in the bathroom (although, that one was definitely worth it), it was the reason behind my twice-a-day runs and everything else going on with me. I’d been looking for a diversion. A distraction. Anything not to have to face this day.
Thankfully, Jackson didn’t expect a response. Unfortunately, I knew it was because he thought I agreed with him.
Glasses were deposited in front of each seat and I took mine in hand before standing. “I’d like to make a toast—to my friends—who are going to be amazing parents. I think I can speak for everyone here that we’re so happy for you and excited about being part of this kid’s future.”
I raised my glass and everyone followed. I meant every word. I just hoped the boys would stick by me when I told them the truth about what I wanted. I hoped we’d all still be together to give the baby and our friends all the support they would need.
10
Heaven
“Dammit,” I muttered, rifling through my cosmetics counter, the drawers underneath and the cabinet on the wall. “Has anyone seen my rubbing alcohol?”
Lea popped her head around the corner of the small partition, separating the main area of the trailer from a small room in the back. “It was on the shelf yesterday.”
“What shelf?” I snapped. Sadie looked up from her bed in the corner. Yep. The cool thing about working on sets like this was the ability to bring my dog with me.
“The shelf above the worktable.”
I scanned the shelf in front of me. “It’s not there.”
Lea stopped whatever she was doing and walked over. She pushed up on her toes and reached for the shelf, plucking the container off with two fingers. She held it out. “You mean this alcohol?”
I sighed and took it. “Yes. Thank you. I swear, I couldn’t see it.”
“If it were a snake, it would have bitten you.”
“I know.” I rubbed my face. “I swear my brain is mush lately.”
She sat in a makeup chair and spun around. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.”
Her perfectly arched eyebrow rose up her forehead. “Seems like you’re kind of all over the place.”
“I’m just tired—I haven’t been sleeping great and I’ve been running a lot.” I glanced over at Sadie. “She needs a lot of exercise.”
“So that’s why you’re looking thin these days.”
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I didn’t look particularly thin, but I did look tired. “Not with all the cake I’ve been eating. I made Oliver go to the store last night and get one from the bakery. I swear I ate half of it by myself.”
She laughed. “You didn’t.”
“I did. You think those guys eat carbs? And look like that? If anything sweet co
mes in the house, it’s up to me to eat or it gets trashed.”
“No, I hear you. I’m pretty sure AJ doesn’t eat anything but meat and eggs.” She leaned back. “So, Oliver’s getting you cakes…how are the other guys?”
“They’re good. Oliver and Jackson are busy opening the new gym. The other two are training and at work. You know how it is.” I sat in my own makeup chair. The actors wouldn’t be back for another ten minutes. “What about you? How’s AJ?”
She smiled when I mentioned him—even after all this time. I wasn’t sure if they would stick, both of them so young and AJ being a rising star, but they were a good fit.
“Good. We’re going to visit his family over the show break.”
“Really? In Virginia?”
“Yep. They live on a farm. With animals.”
“That’ll be nice.”
“Any plans for the break?” she asked.
“Just the grand opening of the gym. Maybe sleeping in.” I hadn’t told her about Amber and the baby. They were waiting a few months to announce publicly.
“Sleeping in sounds good.”
There was a rap on the door and AJ stuck his head in. He was freshly scrubbed and his eyes went straight to Lea.
“Hey babe, can you get me in the chair early?”
Lea looked at me. I was in charge of AJ’s makeup. “Yep. Let’s get this started.”
He stopped and kissed Lea on the lips before easing into my chair. I was glad for the interruption—glad to be busy. If there was one place of true solace in my life, it was in this trailer doing my job.
11
Jackson
The shift of the bed roused me awake and I reached out my hand, expecting Sadie’s soft fur. She made the rounds at night, mostly sleeping with Heaven, but if she could find someone else to give her attention, she’d give it a shot.
Fur wasn’t what I touched, instead it was the smooth warmth of skin. I pulled myself from the lull of sleep, my cock twitching on instinct.
