by Angel Lawson
“That was me being weird.”
“I don’t think so, Heaven. I think it was about something you’re not telling us.” He leaned back against the cushion and Sadie took that as an invitation to jump in his lap. He grunted when her paws landed in his lap. “Come talk to me.”
My first instinct was to run but that was stupid--pointless, really. I walked across the patio and sat in the chair adjacent to the couch. “I’ve been struggling a little since Amber told me she wanted a baby, and even more so since she announced she’s pregnant.”
“Why is it bothering you so much?”
“Because it made me think about myself—about us—and what I want and what you guys want for the future and how I’m not sure that’s the same thing.”
“I admit that we’ve never talked about it. I guess it just seemed far away and then there was that time we weren’t together.” He ran his hand through his hair. “But yeah, it’s something we should discuss.”
“I guess so.”
“Well tell me, Heaven Reeves, do you want kids?”
I looked up at Anderson’s face—the face I’d been in love with since I was thirteen years old. I wanted to tell that face yes, because part of me wanted that to be true. Did I want to carry his baby? Any of their babies? God, yes. I wanted that connection, that bond. But all of it fell away when I thought about what I was bringing to the table—I’m not a genetically superior athlete or confident business person. I’m a girl with a million problems and a shit-ton of baggage.
None of that came out.
“I don’t know. I mean, I don’t think so. I’m not sure.”
“Okay.” He nodded slowly. “You know we don’t have to decide today, but it’s still something to discuss.”
“What about you,” I asked. “Do you want kids?”
His eyes blazed and they held mine. “I’m not going to lie to you, Heaven. I do want kids and I’ve always—I mean, always—assumed you would be the mother of my child.”
My eyes filled with tears. That was the one reality with Anderson. He was always truthful and earnest. “I’m sorry.”
“Hey,” he said, standing and walking over to me. He pulled me off the chair and wrapped his arms around me. “Don’t apologize. I made an assumption and that’s on me. First and foremost, I want you in my life. Everything else is icing. Got it?”
I shook my head. “You deserve everything you want, icing included.”
He wrapped his arms around me and I felt safe close to him. “Can we talk about this a little more? Figure out our feelings on it. It’s not something we can just toss out there and run from.”
I knew in my heart he was right. I also felt the insecurities in my mind, unraveling at the idea. I didn’t argue it though, knowing there was no getting out of this one.
“You let me know how you want to handle this. We can talk about it together or separately. Whatever you want to do.”
I sniffed and wiped my face. “Okay. Let me think on it.”
“Take your time.” He kissed my forehead.
Together we walked into the house, the dilemma still hovering over us like a dark cloud, but less urgent and panic-inducing all the same. The hard part was knowing I couldn’t escape from this conversation. We would be having it and sooner rather than later, I would know exactly where my decisions would place me with the Allendale Four.
15
Oliver
It had been a long time since we’d had any sort of major argument or disagreement among the five of us. We’d been coasting on a honeymoon phase for quite a while, so I guess it was reasonable for a blip to come up between us. But damn, who knew that blip would be so big.
After Heaven bolted and ran to Amber’s, she came back and spoke with Anderson. We all slept on our own that night, giving her space, and in the morning she looked a little better. Jackson forced me to stay home and did the same with the others. When she walked out of her room, he said, “Come on. We’re going to the Diner,” and for once, she didn’t argue.
Now we sat in our regular spots in the circular booth in the back, mounds of food on the table. We’d long ago found the best way to order. Big stacks of pancakes, piles of scrambled eggs, a huge plate of bacon. We each took what we wanted, sharing from the middle of the table. We all ate less pancakes now than we did in our teens, but everyone still ate an impressive amount of food, while Heaven sat with her two pancakes, small scoop of eggs, and two slices of bacon.
Some things never changed.
“Sorry about my meltdown yesterday,” she says after swallowing a mouthful of food. “I think I’d been stressing about this for a while and I just kind of blew up.”
“Don’t apologize, babe,” Hayden replied, intentionally looking at Anderson. “We all have our moments.”
“I know, but that was an epic moment, at least for me, and totally out of line.” She glanced at Jackson. “You didn’t say anything wrong. I’ve just been feeling sensitive.”
I squeezed her thigh under the table, hoping she understood how much we supported her. Her hand lowered over mine and she squeezed back.
“Anderson said we could all talk separately or together. I’m fine with either—or both. But I want to be clear on my feelings with us all together so that nothing gets lost.”
Hayden put down his fork and Anderson waited patiently.
“Amber announcing she wanted a baby totally threw me. It just hadn’t been on my radar, other than just my own vague feelings I’d had for a long time. But she made me realize we’re at that age where we have to think about things like this. It’s no longer in the way-off future but around the corner, and that freaked me out.” She inhaled and took a moment to sip her coffee. “The truth is that I don’t think I can have kids—physically, yes—emotionally…I don’t know. With my mental health background, my family drama, and my general distrust of people outside our circle, I just don’t feel like it’s the right thing to do.” She looked at each of us. “Add in our unconventional relationship, I’m not even sure how it would work.”
If one thing had been a constant in our lives, it was Heaven over-thinking everything. This was clearly no different. Her feelings were valid, but also off-base. The hard part was telling her this without undermining her reasoning.
Each person at the table had on a game-face. Not one of the guys was revealing any emotion, although I knew they probably felt like I did, warring emotions between my love for Heaven, my desire to protect and make her happy, and then the absolute, primal need to make her a mother.
“I guess what I need you to think about, really think about, is will this be a deal-breaker for any of you?” she said in a quiet voice. “And don’t tell me now. I don’t want any fast answers. I just want you to be true to yourself and to what we have together.”
“You got it, babe,” Hayden said, throwing his arm around her shoulder. Jackson nodded and winked, not needing to say a word. I laced my fingers with hers under the table, holding on tight. She may have thought she’s going to push us away—me away—but there was no chance in hell that was happening.
She looked at Anderson. “You okay with this?”
“Yeah, I’m okay if you are.”
There was no doubt Heaven was struggling, but no more than in the past. We could get through this—she would get through it—but the bigger question was, would we get through it together?
16
Heaven
“I’m headed out for a run,” I told the guys. They were focused on the TV screen and a baseball game. Hayden glanced up, eyeing the red leash in my hands and Sadie circling my feet. I reached down and scratched her head.
“This late?”
“Sadie’s going crazy. We skipped our morning run because it was raining.” I didn’t normally run after dark, but it had been raining all day and the dog wasn’t the only one restless.
“It’s not raining now? You know you’ve had that cough. Are you sure you should be running?
“It’s let up and I f
eel fine.”
There was a play on the screen and everyone shouted. He looked over at the screen and then back at me. “Let me change and get my shoes. I’ll come with you.”
I didn’t argue, because I’m not a fan of running at night alone—even with Sadie as company. I slipped out the back door and a few minutes later Hayden joined me, grabbing Sadie’s leash and wrapping it around his fist. He wore a tight-fitting red Atlanta United T-shirt and black shorts. We started off at a slow jog and went down our regular route toward the park. It was fall, and wet leaves crunched under our feet. It’s becoming my favorite time of the year—when things cool off and I saw a break coming in work. The TV show filmed late summer through early fall for the current season, then picked back up for the winter.
The trees blew over our heads, shaking raindrops down on our heads and shoulders. We weren’t the only ones taking advantage of the break in the rain, and other dog walkers, joggers, and exercisers passed us occasionally. Hayden and I had worked out a compatible pace while he was in therapy for his twisted ankle. Obviously with his long legs he could out-run me, but he held back and together we jogged the lamp-lit park path.
Rain started to fall, big fat drops, and he reached for my arm, pulling me to a stop. The playground with a covered gazebo was just ahead. He tugged me and the dog in that direction and we ran over.
Two seconds after we got under the cover the sky let loose, dumping rain.
“Shit—we barely made it,” he said, wiping his face with his shirt.
I did the same, feeling the cool rush of air now that I was wet and no longer running.
“Do you think we can talk?” he said, pointing to a picnic table. I followed him over.
“About what?”
He gestured for me to sit. I did, but instead of him sitting next to me, he stood in front of me. “About the having kids thing.”
I looked down at my feet, my heart kicking into gear, stronger than my running speed. “Uh, sure.”
“Just so you know, I never thought much about having kids. For the past decade my thoughts have been strictly soccer, food, and sex.” He gave me a lazy smile. “Somewhere in there, you replaced the sex one with yourself and well, sex with you.”
His words ignited a shiver up my spine. Hearing Hayden confess this wasn’t a surprise but it certainly was affirming. He could have anyone—anyone. But he wanted me.
We hadn’t spoken about the baby issue. Not since the diner a few mornings before. Everyone seemed to walk on eggshells—including myself. Hayden, historically, wasn’t one to shy away from things. He was quiet. Thoughtful. When he was ready, he didn’t hold back.
“But now that the topic is here and my life has slowed down a little more, I can see the bigger picture of the future—our future—and it’s given me a lot to think about.”
My stomach twisted nervously—so much I thought I may puke. Other than Anderson, none of the guys have told me what they really thought—or want.
“So,” I said, bracing myself, “what do you want?”
He leaned forward, placing both hands on the table, on either side of my hips. “I love you. I love our family as it is. I love the way things are going. I love our dog and I love the time we spend together.” He pressed his forehead to mine. “I’m with you to the end, babe.”
His words rattled me, forcing me to ask, “Are you sure?”
“Once upon a time I deprived myself of you and this family. It was the dumbest fucking mistake of my life. I’ll never do it again. I learned that sometimes we make sacrifices for the group as a whole—it’s how we keep going. The idea of having a kid isn’t a deal breaker for me. Not having you in my life is. Understand?”
I nodded, my heart feeling full. I grabbed his damp T-shirt and pulled him close. “Thank you for telling me all that.”
“I’ve got nothing to hide from you, Heaven Reeves. You own my heart and my soul and have for a long damn time.” He lifted a wet piece of hair off my neck. “I’d show you how much right now if we weren’t in a public park and it wasn’t cold as fuck.”
He smiled cheekily.
“What about making out? Can we make out until the rain stops? It’ll keep us warm and there’s nothing indecent about that,” I said, knowing that once Hayden was horny enough, he was anything but decent. The one thing I knew I could do was get him riled up enough to make it worth it when we got back home.
“Yeah, I can keep you warm.” He moved to the table next to me and wrapped his arms around me at the same time his lips met my mouth.
A man of his word, I let him warm me up, and when the rain finally slowed we walked home, hand in hand, feeling on more stable ground. When we got back to the house the game was over, the guys all in their rooms, and I let Hayden lead me to mine so he could show me exactly how much he loved me.
17
Hayden
We were drenched by the time we got to Heaven’s room—her skin puckered with goosebumps. I led her to the bathroom and turned the water on in the shower, pushing the heat all the way.
Even standing before me like a drowned rat; hair plastered to her cheeks, this woman owned me. I’d meant it when I told her so under the gazebo. She owned my heart, my body, my soul. There was nothing I wanted to do more now than show her, so as steam filled the room, I lifted her soggy shirt over her head and pulled my own off as her bra fall to the floor.
The shower was ridiculously large—built for Oliver’s stepmother’s delusions of grandeur. Two large showerheads arched overhead with a glass wall dividing the space. A small bench sat on the side, filled with Heaven’s hair products. She stripped off her panties, giving me an exquisite view of her ass and I followed, dropping my rain soaked shorts. My hands were on her before she ever touched the steaming hot water.
Immediately I relished the warmth of the water and the closeness of her body. I was already aroused, had been since we walked through the door. My hunger only increased as she removed her clothes and entered the shower. My cock bobbed between us and she reached for me, stroking my length. I exhaled with relief and grabbed the bottle of soap off the shelf, squeezed a glob of purple goo in my hands and leisurely soaped up her body. The suds were slippery over her curves but I wasn’t in a hurry. I pressed a hand against the wall and leaned into her, kissing her hard under the falling water.
I wasn’t the only one enjoying myself—her nipples were peaked—her fingers traveled my body. I was cut—better than during my playing days when I was more about mass—needing the size for intimidation in the goal. These days I was leaner and Heaven’s hands wandered the defined muscles of my abs, the sharp dip of the V I worked my ass off to get, and the hard expanse of my chest.
“This is my favorite part of your body,” she said bending over, nipping her teeth at the soft flesh under my belly button. My cock sprung in reaction. She squeezed the soap into her own palm and coated my balls, shaft, and ass.
I ran a hand down her side, grazing her belly and inching below. My lips traveled from her mouth to her breasts and I heard her breath hitch—the signal that she was ready. I reached for her but she spun, backing herself against me. Ever since that first time we’d done it like this, Heaven made it clear it was her favorite position. I sure as hell agreed. She looked at me over her shoulder and I kissed her while lifting her leg on the bench. Her foot steadied on the flat surface.
With our bodies soapy and slick, overheated and wanting, I slid inside, taking my time so I could feel every inch of her. Her approval echoed against the tiles, music to my ears, and together we healed any rift between us, hoping to heal any worries she may still carry.
Our bodies moved in sync, our breathing combined, my balls ached, my heart twisted and I buried my head in her shoulder until she shuddered beneath me. I followed along; mended, bonded, whole.
18
Heaven
I woke up dreaming of swimming in a dark, heated pool, skin hot and sticky. I pushed back the covers, seeking cool air. It hit my skin, resulting
in a chill. My head pounded and I groaned, falling back against the pillow.
The mattress shifted next to me and I felt the heavy weight of Hayden’s hand on my arm. He stirred again, this time looking over the pile of pillows in the bed. I was greeted with tousled hair and perfect lips. Oh, and very concerned gray eyes.
“You’re burning up,” he said, touching my cheeks, then forehead.
“My head hurts.”
“I bet it does. You definitely have a fever.”
“And my whole body aches.”
“Let me get you some medicine.” He stopped in the bathroom door. “You’re finished with those other antibiotics?”
“Yeah, a few days ago.”
He left the room and I dozed, noticing him again sitting next to the side of the bed, water glass in hand. “Take these.”
“Okay.”
I swallowed the pills and water. Two seconds later, I had a coughing fit.
He sighed and smoothed the blanket under my neck. “I knew you were too sick to run last night.”
“But not too sick for those shower shenanigans?” I closed my eyes when I said it, trying to block out the light.
“Were you feeling like shit last night?”
“No. Not really—I think maybe my bronchitis is back.”
“Rest.”
There was no argument from me. I curled on my side, already half asleep when I heard the door close with a click.
A coughing fit woke me up, fluid thick in my chest. Once I got it under control, it was the voices from the kitchen that lured me from my room. I felt woozy, stopping occasionally to place a hand on the wall and rest.
“You were with her last night—how was she then?” Jackson asked.
“I asked her before we left if she felt okay and she said yes. And she seemed fine during our run and uh, after.” There was an unmistakable hint of guilt in his voice. “I guess maybe the rain and exertion didn’t help if she was already coming down with something.”
