Kelly laid her head down on her desk. It had been a long evening at her house last night, with Sadie zipping Zoey off to another room, and she and Harold answering all of Brittany’s and Candy’s questions. Then there was a lot of silence. Stunned silence was the only thing she knew to call it.
The day at school had been equally trying. A fight broke out in the hall in front of her room. Kelly had never been more thankful to have a classroom beside the oversized male science teacher. Her computer quit working twice during her PowerPoint presentation and an array of other “little” things kept going wrong. Now, she rested her head on the paper she needed to sign to allow Zoey to be a homebound student for the rest of the year.
This wasn’t what Kelly wanted for her daughter. Zoey would miss prom and basketball games and the senior trip. She didn’t even want to walk at graduation.
A light knock sounded against the frame of her classroom door. She lifted her head and saw Cam walking toward her.
“Don’t you look a sight?” He thumped her forehead with his middle finger.
“Ouch.” She pushed his hand away and scowled at him. “What are you doing here?”
“Come to talk to you.”
She leaned back in her chair. “Didn’t we all do enough talking to last us a lifetime last night?”
Cam sat on the top of one of her student desks, clasping his hands in his lap. “Sadie’s worried for Zoey.”
“Me, too.”
“We prayed over her a long time last night. Sadie mentioned she saw a bit of a change in her when she talked to her. For the good.”
“I hope Sadie’s right. Zoey needs God now more than ever.”
“So do you.”
Kelly sat up in her chair. She leaned over, placing her elbows across her desk. “I know. Clinging to Him is the only way we’ll get through this.”
“And Harold will help.”
Kelly didn’t respond. She reached for her earring, fiddling the coarse prongs between her fingertips, she twisted it forward and then back.
“I knew it.” Cam smacked his hands together.
Kelly frowned. “What?”
“I wasn’t sure if you were struggling with God or with Harold, but I knew it was one of them.” “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means you’ve got to let your guard down. I could tell last night you were stiff as a two-by-four. That explains why you two got so mad over Sadie’s question.”
Kelly shook her head. “Oh, I hope we didn’t hurt Sadie’s feelings. It wasn’t about—”
“She’s fine, but you’re not. You and Harold can help each other through this.”
Kelly turned away from her brother. How could she explain the guilt she felt every time she looked at Harold? He’d become the “Coyle women chauffeur” man. The only perk he received from the situation was having one of them share his name. She loved Harold, or at least she thought she did, but wouldn’t true love keep the one they love away from heartache and trauma?
She’d thrown him into a den of lionesses.
“Why are you pushing Harold away?”
Kelly faced her brother, spreading her arms wide. “Don’t you see how selfish I am? Zoey is due at the beginning of July. That’s six months after our wedding. I found out she was pregnant at our reception. I had to fight through the worry every day of my honeymoon.”
“That’s why you should lean on your husband.”
“No.” Kelly shook her head. “Harold didn’t sign up to be a husband, a father to three girls, and now a grandpa. He’d been a bachelor all his life, no siblings even. Don’t you think my brood is a bit overwhelming for him? Why would he even want to be a part of it? I fell in love with him and didn’t have the strength to let him live a peaceful life.” She fell back into her chair. “I’m selfish.”
Saying the words aloud heightened her despair. She’d had hinting moments before their wedding that she shouldn’t force Harold into her drama, but he’d always been so kind, telling her how much he loved her and the girls.
“Big sister, I think you’re nuts.”
“What?” Kelly glared up at Cam.
“So, it’s all your fault that Harold is forced to live in a house with four women. After all, he didn’t know you had three girls the day he showed up at your house to fix your heater.”
“Well, of course he knew—”
“And it wasn’t him who asked you out on a date.”
“He asked me, but—”
“And I suppose you were the one who asked him to marry you—I mean, as I remember we were at your house and he brought out a birthday cake and—”
“Cam, I know all that. But he didn’t ask to be a grandpa.”
Cam raised his eyebrows. “That’s right, but you asked to be a grandma to your seventeen-year-old daughter’s child.”
“Cam—”
“No, you listen. Kelly, you are being selfish.”
Kelly’s heart dropped at his words. She knew they were true, but that didn’t make her feel any better.
Cam continued, “But not because you married him. It’s because you aren’t trusting him now.”
Kelly grew defensive. “I trust Harold. I can’t believe you would say that.”
“Do you, Kelly? If you trusted him, you’d give him some of the burden.”
“But they’re not his kids, Cam. It’s not fair—”
“I can’t believe you would say that. To me, especially.”
Kelly stepped out of her own spiraling gyro of misery and looked at her brother. Cam would never be able to have biological children. Ellie would be his only child, and she was adopted, unless he and Sadie chose to adopt more. She knew her brother loved Ellie more than his own life, but Cam had chosen to adopt Ellie.
Just as Harold chose to marry me with three girls attached.
She shook her head. That’s where her thinking was slanted. He didn’t choose to marry her with three girls attached. He chose to be their father. He loved them. She knew he loved them. How could she have been such an idiot, so full of pride? She’d held the man she loved, who loved her, at arm’s length since their wedding day.
“Cam, you’re right. And I’m sorry.”
A smile bowed Cam’s lips. “Wow, that admission was rather quick.”
Kelly shook her head at his sudden silliness. “Will you do me a favor?” “Sure.”
“Can the girls stay with you and Sadie this Friday? Harold and I need some time alone. I’ve got some apologizing to do.”
nine
Harold wiped the sweat from his brow. It was the end of January and Delaware was experiencing record cold temperatures, but he spent most of his days swiping off sweat. It seemed to be some kind of central air trend in his area that the units were shutting down. He, Rudy, and Walt had put in long hours, day after day, and yet the calls wouldn’t stop coming.
It didn’t matter that he didn’t have time to go home. Life was easier this way. At home, Zoey clung to Kelly, Brittany had reverted into some kind of shell, and Candy was full of questions and concerns. And for some reason, she wanted to voice all of them to Harold. He thought of the conversation they’d had the night before.
“Will Zoey still live with us when she has the baby?” Candy asked as she sat next to Harold on the couch and leaned against his arm.
“Of course,” Harold answered as he put his arm around the girl who was content to allow him to be a parental figure.
“Will the baby live here?”
Harold had always assumed the child would live with them. It would be hard; definitely more than he’d ever anticipated before marrying Kelly, but he assumed they’d take care of the child. “Well, yes.”
“Will I get to hold the baby?” Her voice took on an excited lilt.
“Sure.”
“And change her and feed her and—”
“I’d say you’ll get to do plenty of that.”
Candy’s gaze dropped, and her tone changed. “The baby won’t have a daddy. Zoey sa
id she can’t find her boyfriend.”
Harold swallowed anew at the remembrance of the change in the discussion. “That’s true, but I’ll help with the baby, too.”
“It’s not the same.”
Harold shook his head. The memory of the words tore his heart even now. He thought of the girls and how they’d been without their dad, Tim, for nearly four years. Four years was a long time, and they’d been very close to their dad.
He knew he probably shouldn’t, but part of him, if he were honest, a big part of him, was jealous that he “wasn’t the same” as having Tim in their lives. He could never take their father’s place.
And yet he wanted to.
Having finally finished the last central air unit of the day, Harold dropped the last few tools into his toolbox. God, I shouldn’t be jealous of Tim. And I haven’t been until just recently. Why, God? Why now?
He knew the answer. Kelly wasn’t the same since Zoey had told her about the pregnancy. He knew she wouldn’t be. Wouldn’t expect her to even pretend to be. What mother was happy when her seventeen-year-old daughter told her that she was pregnant? He had zero experience with babies, but he wasn’t so dumb as to not understand that babies changed everything.
But it was the kind of change in Kelly that hurt him to the core of his being. It was as if she didn’t want to lean on him for help. Didn’t trust him enough to help. For a man who’d spent his entire adult life proving to people that he was a man of integrity, a man of honor, to have his wife not trust him, not be willing to allow him to help her in her time of need—well, it shattered his very existence.
How many times had he heard her almost-silent weeping against her pillow at night? He would try to draw her near to him, but the tears would stop and she would become rigid as a metal pipe. When he hugged or kissed her or even tried to hold her in his arms for only a moment, Kelly’s gaze clouded and her body language screamed of a wall she’d built to keep him out.
So, he’d quit trying. They’d been married just a little over month, and he’d spent the last two weeks focused on his work—even when he could have gone home.
Candy’s words slithered into his mind again. “It’s not the same.” Would Kelly have welcomed Tim’s touch? Would she have allowed him to comfort her and soothe her through the anxiety and worry?
Forgive me for thinking this way, Lord. The last thing Harold wanted to do was dishonor the memory of a man he didn’t even know. But he didn’t want to battle a ghost, either. He wanted Kelly to allow Harold to be her husband now, to love him and honor him, for better or for worse. She had to trust him with the worst.
But she didn’t.
And for now, working long, hard hours over a heating unit or a plumbing system was much easier.
Friday’s finally here. Kelly slipped out from under the covers. Harold had left for work two hours before. She didn’t know how the man could get up before five every day, but today she was thankful. He wouldn’t know she’d taken a personal day from school to prepare a special evening with him.
After waking the girls up, she made a list of everything she wanted to get accomplished today. She’d drop the girls off at school, Zoey would spend the day with Cam, and Sadie would take the younger ones home with her afterward, so Kelly didn’t have to worry about any problems with them. Then, Kelly would get her nails done, toenails, too, because she wanted to look extra special for Harold tonight. It made her laugh that her simple man loved her bright pink toenail polish, but paid no attention at all to her fingernails.
After that, she would go to the store, then maybe run by the department store to pick up something special to wear. When he returned home from work, Harold would be overwhelmed by a candlelit dinner and an evening for just the two of them.
Dear God, I can hardly wait. Please let tonight be wonderful. I haven’t given Harold my whole heart lately. Forgive me, Lord.
“Mom,” Zoey whined as she walked into Kelly’s bedroom. “I don’t feel good this morning.”
“Go get some ginger ale and eat a cracker.”
“I don’t want to go to Cam’s house today.”
Kelly pursed her lips. Zoey’s clinging had almost become unbearable, and though it was always tempting to give in to her girls when they didn’t feel well, Kelly knew she and Harold needed this evening together. “Sorry, Zoey. You can rest at Cam’s just as easily as you can rest here. But while you’re resting, you have to do your schoolwork for today.”
“Mom,” Zoey whined and placed her hand over her stomach, “I really don’t think I can do it. I feel so bad.”
“You have to.”
“But, I—”
“No buts. You’re going to be a mom soon. You have to learn to keep going, even when you don’t feel like it.”
“Mom …”
Kelly looked her daughter in the eye. “I mean it.”
Tears pooled in Zoey’s eyes. “I never asked to get pregnant. Why does everything bad happen to me?”
“‘For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life.’ Zoey, I know you don’t like when I preach to you, and I’m not. But the truth is you sinned. Now, you have consequences. Babies are a blessing, and we will love this baby, but you have to seek God’s forgiveness. You need Him now more then ever.”
Kelly expected Zoey to explode, to tell Kelly that she didn’t want to hear about God and what He could do for her. Instead, Zoey was silent. Kelly couldn’t tell if she thought about what Kelly had said or if she’d completely tuned Kelly out, but Zoey turned and walked out of the room. Once Kelly finished dressing and went into the living room, all three girls were ready. No one, including Zoey, had anything to say as they drove to school and then to Cam’s.
After Zoey stepped out of the car, Kelly opened her cell phone and called Harold. His deep voice sounded over the line when he picked it up, and Kelly felt a twinge of excitement zing through her veins. “Hey, hun.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be at school?” His voice sounded confused, and she looked at the clock on the dash. What was I thinking calling him right now? I should be getting ready to start first period. So anxious about the evening, Kelly had just wanted to hear his voice, to be sure he was coming home for dinner.
“Uh … class is about to start.” She grinned. She hadn’t lied. She just hadn’t said that she wasn’t there. “I just wanted to be sure you would be home for dinner tonight.”
“Yeah, I’ll be home. Why? No one has practice tonight, do they?”
Kelly cringed at his question. Since they got married, Harold had become the practice-chauffeur king. He never seemed to mind, but again she wondered at the fairness of marrying him when she knew how hectic her life was day in and day out. Stop it, she inwardly fussed at herself. Remember what Cam said. Harold knew about the chaos, and he still wanted to marry me. Just love him, and stop feeling so guilty.
“No,” she said. “No practices today. I was just planning to cook tonight and wanted to be sure you’d be able to get home.”
“Yep, I’ll be there. I’ll see you tonight.” “I love you, Harold.”
A moment of silence wrapped around her after she said those words. How long had it been since she’d told her new husband she loved him—a couple of weeks, maybe—and they’d only been married a little over a month. Her heart ached at her foolishness. God, forgive me. Help me show Harold how much I love and appreciate him.
“I love you, too, Kelly. So much.” Harold’s voice sounded somber and serious, and Kelly’s heart pained at the tone. She clicked the phone off and gazed at herself in the rearview mirror. Tonight will be special. No more pushing Harold away. No more feeling guilty for making his life crazy. I’m simply going to love him.
Hours later, Kelly stomped the snow off her boots before she walked into the house. In addition to having her nails done, she’d also gotten her hair cut and colored. The style was quite flattering and a bit sassy, and she couldn’t wait to see Harold that evening. She glanced at the clock. She waited
five more minutes so she could call Harold without him wondering what she was doing. She clicked his number again. After only one ring, his deep voice resonated over the line, sending a thrill down her spine again.
“Hey. How has your day been?” she asked.
“Believe it or not, kinda slow.”
She peered outside. The sun shone bright, glistening against the snow-covered ground. “I wouldn’t think there would be any central heating units in the state left to fix. You’ve worked a lot lately.”
Harold chuckled. “I think you’re right.”
“So, when will you be home?”
“I’d say five—five thirty.”
Kelly looked at the clock again. That gave her two hours to prepare filet mignon, baked potatoes, fresh rolls, and whip up a salad.
“What’s for dinner?” Harold’s voice interrupted her thoughts.
“It’s a surprise.”
Harold laughed. “Okay. Just make sure Brittany doesn’t eat it all before I get home.”
Kelly smiled at the joke Harold and Brittany often bantered over. Her nearly six-foot-tall daughter, who was as big around as a twig, could eat every bit as much as Harold, and they loved to compete to see who could eat the most. “Don’t worry about that. I’ll see you tonight. I love you.”
“Love you, too.”
He clicked off and Kelly set to work. She took out the filets, seasoned them, and secured bacon around the steaks with toothpicks. She washed and scrubbed the potatoes and wrapped them in aluminum foil. With the meat and potatoes cooking in the oven, she mixed Harold’s favorite ingredients for salad. She glanced at the clock again. He’ll be here in an hour.
Finishing in the kitchen quickly, she picked up the fresh red roses she’d purchased, tore off the petals, and allowed them to fall in various places. She changed into the new outfit she’d purchased, then took the food from the oven. After setting the table with care, she glanced at the clock on the microwave. He would be home any minute. She lit the candles. God, bless our evening together.
Harold trudged up the sidewalk toward the house. It was nine o’clock, and he was beat. Just before he was heading home for the night, a woman called. Her pipes had burst. Walt hadn’t been able to stay to help, but Harold and Rudy spent the last four hours working at the woman’s house. Kelly had called six times or more before he’d finally had the chance to answer and tell her what was going on. She sounded a little strange on the phone, but Harold figured Zoey was just driving Kelly crazy.
For Better or Worse Page 9
