Of all the sights, the art museum in Ponce left the deepest impression. I had never been to a museum before. The building is beautiful and seemed to me then as grand as a castle with its staircase that sweeps in a big circle on two sides. It was so magnificent that I just had to run up and down the stairs to see what it felt like. It felt horrible when the guard yelled at me. So I walked slowly and looked at the paintings one by one.
I figured out that portraits were pictures in which a person from olden times just stood there or sat, wearing fancy clothes and staring very seriously. I wondered who these people were. Why did an artist choose them to be in a picture? How much work was it to paint this? How long did he have to stand there like that? Other paintings were more like stories, though I didn’t know what the story was. Why did she cut off his head? I could tell that dove was not just an ordinary dove that happened to be flying by. I could see that it had a meaning, even though I didn’t know what the meaning was. When I got tired of not understanding the stories, I noticed other things: Sometimes you could see the brushstrokes and the thickness of the paint; other times it was smooth, without texture. Sometimes things in the distance were smaller, and it felt as if you could reach into the space; other times it was flat like a map. I wondered, were these the things I should be noticing? I could tell that there was more going on than I could describe or understand.
Does it seem strange that a child should be so conscious of the workings of her own mind? I have clear memories of many such moments, often turning on a recognition of something I didn’t know, an awareness of a gap in my knowledge. A framed reproduction of a painting that mesmerized me hung for years on the wall in Abuelita’s living room. Who knows how it got there, but it was a scene, I’m assuming in hindsight, from the French Revolution, a broad staircase leading from a public square up into a stately building, with a balcony where several elegant figures formed a cluster, including a woman—Marie Antoinette?—with a pale blue dress and imposing hair. In the street below, many other people approached, more poorly dressed, but my eye was drawn to an old man on the lower steps, shabbily clad, leaning one-legged on a cane, his back to the viewer. I knew nothing of the history, the social and political background that informed the painting, but I understood that a message was somehow intended when the artist contrived to place this man front and center. I spent a lot of time wondering about him and trying to imagine his face. But that was as far as I could get.
“SONIA, we’re going to visit your grandfather. My father.” This got my attention. My mother had never so much as mentioned his existence before. When I questioned her, she answered in a voice that sounded as if she were reading aloud from the small print on the back of a package of medicine. “I don’t know the man. He left when I was born. I haven’t seen him since then. But Tío Mayo and Titi Aurora want me to come with them to the hospital to see him, and they say you should come too.” The unknown grandfather was not the whole mystery. I usually knew what Mami was thinking from the flash in her voice, the speed of her smile, as rare as it was then, the telltale arch of her brows. This woman speaking with such flat indifference was not the mother I knew.
Tío Mayo led us to the bed at the far end of the room, by the window. As we walked the length of the ward, I hardly saw the patients in the other beds, so intently was I focused on my mother and our looming destination. Nothing was going to slip by me, though I had no idea what to expect or even what I should be wondering about. Would she greet him with a kiss? How do you relate to a father you don’t know?
He had Mami’s light eyes. Framed by the white of his hair, the white mustache, the white of the sheets, their sea-green color seemed even lighter, bluer, more startling. He was a handsome man but gaunt. His arms were just sticks poking from the sleeves of the hospital gown. A thousand questions ran through my head, but I didn’t dare speak any of them out loud: Why did you leave Mami behind? Who are you? Do you have a wife? Do you have other kids? Where have you been living?
I climbed onto the chair and watched. My mother walked up to the bed and stood looking down at the old man. In an ice-cold voice she said, “Yo soy Celina.” That was it. He didn’t say anything to her. He didn’t ask how her life had been, what it was now. There were no tears, no revelations.
Titi Aurora led me by the hand to the bedside and introduced me. I got barely a nod from him. I retreated, climbed back onto the chair, and watched as Titi Aurora chattered about nothing and fluffed his pillows. Tío Mayo was there and not there, talking to the nurses, taking care of business. But in all this nothing, I understood something: that my mother had been wounded as deeply as a human being could be.
I have carried the memory of that day as a grave caution. There was a terrible permanence to the state that my mother and her father had reached. My mother’s pain would never heal, the ice between them would never thaw, because they would never find a way to acknowledge it. Without acknowledgment and communication, forgiveness was beyond reach. Eventually, I would recognize the long shadow of this abandonment in my own feelings toward my mother, and I would determine not to repeat what I had seen. The closeness that I share now with my mother is deeply felt, but we learned it slowly and with effort, and for fear of the alternative.
Five
IT WAS IN April of the year that I turned nine. I was heading straight home after school that day because Papi had stayed home sick from work. Usually, Junior and I would go to Ana’s first and then play outside till Papi got home. I didn’t need to check in with Ana, because she would know that Papi was home. My mother had coffee with Ana every day before she went to work; there was nothing about each other’s lives that they didn’t know instantly.
When we came round the corner, I could see Moncho, Ana’s husband, hanging out the window on the third floor of their building, washing the windows but also looking intently at passersby. That was odd, I thought. When he saw me, he waved at me. He didn’t stop. He kept on waving furiously, signaling to me, and then he yelled “Sonia! Junior! Come upstairs!” in a voice that meant business. Junior bounced ahead of me, happy to see Moncho.
But when Ana opened the door, something was terribly wrong. Her eyes were puffy from crying, and her face was pale. This wasn’t some everyday fuss that just happened to reach the level of tears; something had shaken her deeply. She wouldn’t explain, but she started to cry and made us wait while she phoned Mami, saying to Moncho, “Celina should tell them.” Moncho was quieter than I’d ever seen him. This was all so strange that I was scared but also riveted as I watched to see what would happen next. Ana said, “Let’s go,” and we walked downstairs and across the way to our building. It was the shortest of walks, but it took forever. It was hard to move my legs, as if dread were weighing them down.
Alfred opened the door to our apartment. His eyes, too, were red. Tío Vitín was there, and I could hear other voices. I looked into the living room and saw many faces looking back at me with the same teary gaze. Mami was sitting in the chair by the telephone in the hallway, staring into space, her eyes wide and wet. Junior said to her, “Where’s Papi?”
“Dios se lo llevó.”
God took him. I could see that Junior didn’t understand. I did. She meant that Papi had died. But what did that mean? Had he become a spirit? I didn’t know what I was supposed to feel, or say, or do. As if from a far distance, I could hear my own voice joining all the other voices crying. I ran down the hall and threw myself on the bed. I was sobbing, pounding my fists, when Ana entered the room.
“Sonia, you have to be a big girl now. Your mother’s very upset; you can’t cry anymore. You have to be strong for your mami.”
So that’s what I’m supposed to do? I stopped crying. “I’m okay, Ana.” She left me alone. The stillness in the room was louder than the noise down the hall. I remembered that morning how Papi had called out from the bathroom, saying that since he wasn’t going to work, he wanted to make us a Sunday breakfast, even though it was a weekday. Mami had yelled: “Go back to bed if
you’re sick, the kids don’t have time, they have to get to school, and why are you taking so long shaving?”
WE HAD BEEN at the funeral home for hours. It felt like forever, but my mother and Abuelita and my aunts had been there even longer, for days. It was important not to leave the body alone, and they all had to keep each other company. Mami didn’t want Junior and me to come, but Titi Aurora insisted, because the nuns and Monsignor Hart were coming from Blessed Sacrament. It wouldn’t be respectful if Junior and I weren’t there when they showed up.
The room smelled of flowers, cologne, and perfume masking a mustiness. People were speaking in whispers, looking at the floor, shaking their heads. There was talk of premonitions, a greeting or casual word exchanged with my father over the last few days that now took on greater significance; the way he had shaved and dressed up that morning, even though he was home sick. As if he had known. Everyone agreed that he was a good man, a family man, and that forty-two was a tragically young age to go. And Celina so young too, a widow at thirty-six with two young kids!
My aunts took turns crying. Abuelita never stopped. I sat down next to her on the couch and held her hand. Abuelita’s crying was unbearably painful to me. I couldn’t even tell if I had any sadness of my own, because I was so full of Abuelita’s sadness. I worried that her spirit had been torn apart so painfully by Papi’s death that she might never be happy again. What would happen to me if she died too?
The nuns and Monsignor Hart came and went. Dr. Fisher came too, and some people from the factory where Papi worked. All the while, Mami just sat there. Her eyes were open, but she was not really present, not even answering when people talked to her. Titi Aurora had to tell her to say thank you to Monsignor Hart.
What happens next is that I’m supposed to say good-bye to Papi, Titi Aurora says. She wants me to kiss him. I want to scream “No!” but I swallow it because I don’t want to upset Abuelita any more than she’s upset already. “No tengas miedo, Sonia. Touch his hand.” I’m not afraid, but I’m not okay either. This thing with a powdery white face resembles my father, but it’s not him, and it’s certainly not something I want to touch. But I close my eyes and get it over with.
A part of me was not surprised by what happened then. A knot that had been tied tight inside me for longer than I can remember began to come loose. Deep down, I’d known for a while that this was where Papi was heading. Looking at this thing that was not Papi, I realized that he was not coming back. From here, Mami, Junior, and I would be going along without him. Maybe it would be easier this way.
… Santa María, Madre de Dios, ruega por nosotros pecadores, ahora y en la hora de nuestra muerte.
We did the rosario for Papi for seven straight nights at Abuelita’s, and every night I thought it would never end. Abuelita cried. Mami cried. My aunts cried. The prayers went on and on, along with that horrible week. The final night should have been better because the end was in sight, and friends brought dinner instead of just pastries, but the bad news was that we had to do three … whole … rosaries …
Dios te salve, María, llena eres de gracia: El Señor es contigo. Bendita tú eres entre todas las mujeres, y bendito es el fruto de tu vientre: Jesús …
I must have fallen asleep at some point, because I woke up with my mother standing next to me, pulling my arm out of its socket, gripping my hand so tightly it hurt. Her whole body was shaking with anger, and her voice trembled as she spoke to Abuelita: “Mercedes, you can’t do this! I won’t let you!” The room was silent. Everyone’s eyes were on Mami, standing there with the tears running down her face. “I swear, I will take her away from you and you will never see us again. Never!”
She dragged me to the bedroom and cried all night. I had no idea what had so upset her that she would turn on Abuelita, and she wouldn’t tell me. Much later I learned the story. As I nodded off in the midst of the prayers, I apparently spoke in a strange voice—one that sounded like Abuelita’s long-dead sister to those who remembered her, a voice my grandmother might summon during one of her séances. The message I delivered was that my father was safely in her company; there was no need to worry. “Confórmate,” I said. Accept it.
I can’t explain it. Nothing like that had happened to me before, and it hasn’t happened since. Everyone there was as exhausted as I was, and it’s hard to separate what they heard from what they wanted to hear. I know that I wanted more than anything to make Abuelita feel better; it’s very possible I was talking in my sleep or as I drifted off. In any case, it didn’t matter. Any desire my grandmother might have had to develop what she believed to be my “gift” was trumped by my mother’s threat to remove me from the influence of what she saw as superstition and brujería.
We had been sleeping at Abuelita’s every night since Papi died, because my mother couldn’t bear to go back to our apartment. That meant getting up very early in the morning so Mami could get us to school on time, after which she would go to Ana’s. They would drink coffee and talk and cry together until school was out, and then she would take us back to Abuelita’s. Fortunately, the building manager at Bronxdale Houses let us move into a different apartment very quickly. It was over on Watson Avenue on the second floor—much better than the seventh floor if you’d rather not see what happens in the stairwells. It was much closer to Blessed Sacrament, too. Best of all, my mother was able to change her schedule at the hospital. She didn’t have to work nights anymore, so she could be at home after school.
Tío Vitín and my cousin Alfred helped us with the move. They cleaned out Papi’s room and carried out a big bag of clanking empty bottles. They found those flat, half-pint bottles, drained of Seagram’s Seven, under the mattress, in the closet, behind the drawers, in his coat pockets, his trousers, his shirts, in every jacket. There was even one hidden inside the lining of a coat.
It occurred to me that every day when he came home from work and sent us off with pennies for candy and fifteen minutes more to play, my father was keeping us outside just long enough to have a drink before starting dinner. Junior, who had slept in the same room with Papi, in the other twin bed, and sometimes only pretended to be asleep, now confessed that he had known all along about the bottles under the mattress. I always slept with my mother in the other room, and nothing ever woke me up once I fell asleep. I wondered what else I had missed.
I do know that my father loved us. But as much as he loved us, it wasn’t enough to stop him from drinking. To the end, Abuelita and my aunts blamed my mother for Papi’s drinking. It’s true that Mami could say all the wrong things; neither of them knew how to stop an argument once they started. But I knew too that my mother didn’t make him drink any more than she could make him stop. I knew he did this to himself; even as a child, I knew he was the only one responsible.
All those hours that he sat by the window looking out … I treasured those times when I stood beside him, inhaling the scent of Old Spice up close and of rice and beans bubbling in the background, and he told me what he imagined the future would be: all the different stores they would build on the empty lots around us, or how one day a rocket ship would carry a man to the full moon that was rising, low and yellow, over the South Bronx. The truth is, though, that for each of those moments, there were so many more long hours of sadness, when he stared in silence at the vacant lots, at the highway and the brick walls, at a city and a life that slowly strangled him.
On the day we moved in, it smelled of fresh paint. The view from the new apartment on Watson Avenue was different. You could see the school yard at Blessed Sacrament from our window. The kids had left for the day, but there were still two guys practicing shots on the basketball court. Farther back, one of the nuns was walking along by the buildings, but I couldn’t tell who it was under the black bonnet … As I looked out the window, a memory came to me of something that happened the day Papi died, which I’d almost forgotten in all the commotion that followed. I was down in the school yard at recess, standing by the fence, looking this way toward the p
rojects—and I thought about him. It wasn’t a normal thought that pops into your head or one that’s connected to the thought that came before it. More of a feeling than a thought, but almost not even a feeling: like the barest shadow of a mood passing over, or a breeze so perfectly soft that nothing moves. I didn’t know yet what had happened, but maybe that was Papi himself, saying good-bye.
Six
IN THE DAYS and weeks following the funeral, the release and relief I felt from the end of the fighting gave way to anxious puzzlement. At nine, I was equipped to understand loss, even sadness, but not grief, not someone else’s and certainly not my own. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with Mami, and it scared me.
Every day Junior and I came home from school to find the apartment quiet and dark, with the curtains drawn. Mami would come out just long enough to cook dinner, leaving the back bedroom, where she passed hour after hour with the door closed and the lights out. (Junior and I shared the front bedroom in the new apartment on Watson Avenue, using the twin beds that had been in Papi’s room in the old place.) After serving dinner like a zombie, hardly saying a word, she would go right back into her room. So even though she was working the early shift now and getting home in the afternoon before us, we saw no more of her than when she’d been working late. We did homework. We watched TV. We did homework and watched TV.
On weekends, I was able to rouse Mami to go grocery shopping, retracing my father’s steps. I remembered what Papi used to buy, and that’s what I put in the basket, though I wasn’t sure Mami would know what to do with everything. I missed Papi’s cooking. I missed Papi. Somehow, when he died, I had taken it for granted that our lives would be better. I hadn’t counted on this gloom.
I wasn’t the only one who was worried about my mother. I overheard some of her friends talking to Ana, and they decided one of them would pay a call at Blessed Sacrament to ask Father Dolan to come visit Celina. His refusal, as reported over coffee at Ana’s, enraged me, all the more so because of the reason: my mother didn’t go to church on Sunday.
My Beloved World Page 5
