by Megan Green
Holy shit. “It’s Monday?” I ask, my voice rising an octave in shock.
Reese nods. “Yes. I guess you called last week and said you had an emergency and wouldn’t be in the rest of the week. So, when you didn’t show up again today and they didn’t hear from you … well, I guess they got worried.”
“Son of a bitch,” I mutter, trying to think of how I’m going to be able to work my way out of this one. I might not love my job, but I sure as fuck need it.
“You know what else that means?” Reese asks, irritation and anger clear in his voice.
I lift my gaze to his. “What?”
“It’s been five fucking days since you’ve seen your daughter.”
I open my mouth to refute him, to tell him there’s no way in hell I’ve let five days go by without my Hannah. But then …
I mentally tally the length of time it’s been.
As if sensing what I’m doing, Reese crosses the room and grabs me by my shirt. “Do you think I’m fucking lying to you? I might be an asshole about a lot of things, but there’s one thing I’d never joke about. And she’s currently with your mom, wondering what in the world she did wrong to make you abandon her, too.”
My knees weaken at his words, my ass falling back against the couch as they hit me full force.
What in the fuck am I doing? Sitting here, wallowing in my own self sorrow and grief, while my daughter suffers the consequences?
I’ve gone and turned into the one thing I promised myself I would never become.
I’m a bad father.
Raising my hands to my face, I press my fingertips into my eyes, welcoming the brief flash of pain because I deserve every single second of it.
How could I have done this? How could I have let anything come before my baby girl?
This is precisely why I never wanted to get involved with anyone. Hannah always comes first.
I shoot up from the couch. “I need to go to her,” I say, suddenly frantic to get to Hannah before she thinks for even another second that I don’t love her more than life itself.
Reese’s hand shoots out and shoves me back onto the couch. “Hold on there, asshole.”
“What the fuck are you doing?” I ask, trying to climb back to my feet and get to the door. But Reese’s body moves to block me, his heavy hand keeping me exactly where he wants me. “Move, Reese,” I grit between my teeth.
“Not until you hear what I have to say. Hannah will be fine for another twenty minutes.”
“What?” I bark out. “What could possibly be more important than me getting to my little girl?”
He pins me with a steely look. “How about you not fucking up the best thing that’s happened to the two of you in five years?”
I don’t even try to pretend like I don’t know exactly what he means. I could. Try to act like Maddy wasn’t exactly what he said she was. Try to play it off like a mistake and that I haven’t spent the last five days holed up in here, pining away for what might have been.
“It’s no use, Reese. I fucked up. That’s over now.”
“Ah, yes. Because that’s what you do when things get hard. You just give up. When fire academy nearly killed us? When we lost our first life on a call? When Steph walked out and left you all alone to raise your newborn daughter? You just gave up without a second thought, right?”
My jaw clenches. “You know I didn’t.”
“That’s right. You fucking didn’t. Because the Mason Cooper I know is a fighter. He doesn’t give in without a fight. He knows what he wants, and he does whatever it takes to get it. To prove that he deserves it.”
“You don’t get it, man. She never wants to see me again. She wouldn’t even hear me out.”
“She was pissed!” he shouts. “Can you blame her? I don’t know what the fuck you were thinking, not telling her you and Stephanie were still legally married.”
“I was thinking that she ran out on me once before! I didn’t want to give her a reason to want to do it again,” I say, my words losing steam as I go.
Reese plops down on the sofa next to me, reaching over and patting me on the thigh a few times before placing his hands on his knees. “Look, man, I get that you’re scared. You’ve been burned before. Stephanie fucking did a number on you. I know it’s hard to come back from that. To open yourself up and let someone else close enough to potentially do it again.”
“Maddy disappeared without a trace once, Reese,” I say, my voice sounding more frightened than I even realized I was feeling. But now that I’ve said the words aloud, I can’t deny the dread that’s been lying just beneath the surface since the night I told Maddy I loved her. The night she left me in bed without saying a word.
“I know, man. But she was eighteen. And she’d had a hell of a time for years before that, from what you’ve told me. Kids are stupid. They act before they think. Maddy isn’t that same terrorized teenager. She’s smart. She has a career here. She has people she loves here. She isn’t going anywhere.”
“How do you know? Hell, for all I know, she’s already gone.”
The thought has entered my mind a few—hundred—times over the last couple of days. I can’t even begin to count the number of times I’ve pictured driving over to the clinic and seeing a For Sale sign on the door, all the blinds drawn and lights extinguished. I’ve woken out of fitful sleeps, drenched with sweat, my body exhausted from my mind picturing me chasing down her car as it drove out of town.
Reese shakes his head. “She’s still in town. I swung by the clinic on my way here, to see how she was doing.”
My ears perk up at this. “You saw her? How is she? Does she look okay?”
Reese gives me a sardonic look, one brow raised as his lips pinch together in a half-smirk. “Yep, definitely sounds like it’s over. You don’t care at all anymore, right?”
I heave out a sigh as I lie back against the cushions. “I never said I didn’t care. I said she never wanted to see me again.”
Reese shrugs. “Well, from the dark circles under her eyes and her wrinkled skirt, I’d say she’s handling this about as well as you are. Except she’s managed to drag her ass to work at least.”
It might make me a horrible person, but a part of me is relieved to hear Maddy is as miserable as I am. That she didn’t just forget about me and move on.
Like Stephanie did.
“Did she say anything about me?” I ask, my voice sounding pitiful, even to my own ears. I wish I had the strength to not ask. I wish I could say I wanted nothing but for her to be happy and let her move on with her life. But … well, I would be entirely full of shit.
Reese gives me a brief glance before averting his eyes. “She asked how you were. And then asked me not to tell you she asked about you.”
“What else did she say?”
Reese shakes his head. “Not much. That assistant of hers—Cami, I think it was? Man, she’s a little spitfire, ain’t she? Too bad she’s way too thin and blonde for my liking; otherwise, I’d have to have you set a brother up,” he observes, his eyes turning wistful as he thinks about Maddy’s friend.
I snap my fingers in front of his face. “Earth to Reese. Care to finish that sentence?”
He blinks back to the present. “Oh, right. Cami pushed me out of there before I could talk to Maddy much more. She told me she’d finally gotten Maddy to stop crying and that she didn’t need me in there, upsetting her doctor, so she marched me right on out to the parking lot and slammed the door in my face,” Reese says, his eyes going dreamy once more.
It’s not often Reese Lawson is turned away by the opposite sex regardless of the circumstances. At over six feet tall, with long and dark hair that falls past his shoulders when it isn’t pulled back in that stupid fucking man bun he loves, he is a walking wet dream for most women.
But then again, Maddy’s assistant Cami isn’t like most women. I’ve never met someone so quick to put you in your place if she thinks you are even the slightest bit out of line.
And
as much as I’d love to rib my friend about his obvious infatuation with the little blonde minx, I have more important things on my mind.
“Cami said she’d been crying?” I prompt.
Reese blinks up at me. “Oh, yeah. From the sound of it, it’s all she’s been doing lately.”
My heart cracks at that. I might’ve been relieved to hear she wasn’t moving on without a second thought, but hearing that she’s so upset doesn’t sit well in my gut. “Did Cami say anything else?”
Reese exhales slowly. “Nah, man. She was pretty adamant about getting me the fuck out of there. Oh, wait,” he says, his eyes lighting as he remembers something. “I did manage to ask Cami if Maddy had plans to leave town anytime soon now that your relationship was over. She looked at me like I was insane and said, ‘Of course not,’ before shutting the door on me.”
“She’s really not leaving?” I ask, unable to believe it, even after hearing confirmation from Maddy’s closest friend.
“No, man. I told you, she’s not a kid anymore. Now, get your ass over there and fix this shit.”
My heart races with hope at the possibility of repairing my relationship with Maddy. There’s a part of me that wants nothing more than to rush to her, to apologize and promise that I’ll never keep another thing from her again. To spend the rest of my life making it up to her, to prove to her that she can trust me above all else. But then …
“Hannah,” I say. “I need to get to Hannah.”
Because as much as I love Maddy and as much as I want to be with her …
Nothing comes before Hannah.
What kind of promises can I make to Maddy if I can’t even keep the most important promise I’ve made in my entire life?
I leap from the couch, spinning in the opposite direction of Reese so that he can’t try to stop me this time.
“Dude, wait,” he says, but I’m already almost to the door.
“Don’t even try to stop me, asshole. I’ll get this thing with Maddy sorted out later. Right now, I need my—”
I fling open the front door to find Hannah and my mother perched on the porch steps. At the sound of the door, Hannah’s face swings around, her eyes widening when she sees me.
“Nana,” I croak out when I see my baby girl, my body falling to its knees in the foyer.
“Daddy!” she screams, scrambling to her feet and then flinging herself into my arms.
I catch her, holding her tightly against my chest, my heart and spirits lifting immediately at the feel of her tiny body. She clamps her arms around my neck, nearly cutting off my air supply as she peppers my cheeks with kisses, but I don’t even care. Let me die here in the entryway of my house if it means never having to hurt this little girl again.
“Hi, Nana,” I say, taking in a deep breath of her hair when she finally loosens her hold enough for me to breathe again. “Oh, I’ve missed you.”
“Missed you too, Daddy,” she says, laying her head against my shoulder.
“Did you have fun at Grandma’s?” I ask.
She nods. “Yes. But I like it better here. I missed my toys. And my bed. And Hope.”
“Hope!” I shout, climbing back up to my feet with Hannah still in my arms. I rush through the house, finding the little dog curled up into a ball in the center of Hannah’s bed.
I at least had the clarity to remember to fill her food and water dish during the last few days of my depression, but the poor little thing has been neglected of all love and affection. I just didn’t have it in me to do much else than feel sorry for myself.
At the sight of Hannah, Hope springs from the bed, barking and bouncing happily as Hannah wriggles out of my hold.
“Hi, Hope!” Hannah screeches, falling to her knees and letting the dog pin her to the floor. Hannah’s giggles fill the entire house as Hope begins her onslaught of kisses.
Jesus, how have I survived five days without that sound?
I smile as I watch them, Reese and my mother soon coming to join me in the entry to Hannah’s bedroom.
Reese leans against the doorframe. “So, Hannah’s home. Hope is happy. All is right with the world. Except …” He trails off, giving me a pointed look.
“Daddy?” Hannah’s voice sounds behind me. “When is Maddy coming back?” She climbs to her feet, crossing the room and hugging her arms around my legs. She looks up at me. “I missed you and Hope a lot. But I miss Maddy, too.”
I sink down to my knees, wrapping one arm around her waist and running a finger down her cheek with the other hand. “You miss her, huh?”
Hannah nods slowly, her lips coming out in a pout. “When is she coming home, Daddy?”
I look at my daughter, at how much she cares for the woman who came crashing into our lives. I look at my mother and at my best friend, at the worry and concern on their faces—not just for Hannah, but for me as well.
I promised myself I’d never let anything come between my and Hannah’s relationship.
But Maddy isn’t just anything. And she’d never try to come between me and my daughter. If anything, she makes us better. Stronger.
Hannah and I were happy before Madeline Woods came into our lives.
But happy is no longer good enough.
We need to be whole.
Maddy makes us whole.
And I’ll never forgive myself if I let the missing piece of our family walk out of our lives because of my own stupidity.
I look back at Hannah, a small smile slowly spreading across my face. “What do you say we go bring Maddy home?”
“Yay!” Hannah shouts, throwing up her arms and running around the room.
My eyes lift to my mom and Reese as I push back to my feet. “How about you guys? I have an idea, but I’m going to need all the help I can get.”
Tears spring to my mom’s eyes as she lunges for me, and I’m pretty sure she agrees in the midst of all her blubbering. She also either says she’s happy for me or she has to pee, but I choose to go with the former.
I turn my eyes to Reese. “And you?”
He shrugs one shoulder as if he doesn’t have a care in the world, like he wasn’t just here, pleading with me to get my shit together. “I suppose I’ve got some time.”
I smirk. “Okay then. Here’s what we’re going to do. Oh, grab Hope,” I say as I lead them all from Hannah’s room. I’m going to need her if I have a snowball’s chance in hell of making this work.
24
Maddy
“No relationship is one hundred percent perfect. But it’s how you deal with those imperfections that makes or breaks it.”
“I’m telling you, you need to work through them.”
Cami’s words ring over and over in my head, piercing my heart deeper and deeper each time.
I barely slept a wink last night, unable to get what she said out of my mind.
Did I overreact? Am I making myself miserable for no reason other than the fact that I’ve never really gotten over the shit I endured in high school? Am I ruining my life because even after all this time, I still don’t feel good enough?
The short answer is yes.
I wouldn’t say I overreacted to the news of Mason’s marriage. Anybody would’ve been pissed to find out the man they loved was still secretly married. But the more time that passes, the more I can sort of understand why he did it.
I mean, it’s not like I’m not known to get upset and flee at the first sign of trouble.
And with Mason’s past …
Yeah, I guess I can understand. I don’t like it, but I get it.
But the rest of it? That is a resounding yes.
There is still part of me—a part that’s probably much bigger than I care to admit—that feels like Fatty Maddy has never really left. That same insecure, timid girl who wanted nothing more than for people to like her but instead was the butt of every joke, every prank, every rumor that went around school still lives deep inside me, rearing her anxious head every time even a semblance of happiness creeps into my life.<
br />
It’s why I spent so many years of my life with a man I knew didn’t love me.
Why I wasted so much of my time with people who I knew weren’t really my friends.
Deep down, I’m still that same scared little girl who is desperate to be loved and accepted but who knows she’ll never fit in the way she wants to.
But Mason didn’t care about all that. He loved me for me, not because of who he thought I could be or what I could bring him.
He didn’t care that people from our past saw us together. Didn’t care what they might whisper. He only wanted to be with me. To love me.
And I ran away from him the first chance I got.
Just like I had before.
I was so terrified of being hurt the way I had been in high school that I ended up ruining the best thing that’d ever happened to me. I hurt Mason. I hurt Hannah. I hurt myself.
I need to fix this. I need to make this right.
The thought overwhelms me as I sit at my desk, the pen falling from my hand as my pulse picks up.
I’ve been sitting here, waiting.
Waiting for Mason to show up.
Or maybe waiting for my life to completely implode.
But either way, I’m done waiting. I’m not going to sit and watch as life goes right on by, my fear and insecurities preventing me from going after what I truly want because of things that happened in my past.
Mason cares fuck all about my past.
It’s high time I do the same.
I reach for my phone, my fingers fumbling it in my haste to talk to him.
I need to fix this. I need to make this right, I repeat in my head, opening my contacts and scrolling to Mason’s name.
But I pause before I can tap it.
There’s so much I have to say. So much we need to discuss. I can’t do this over the phone.
But I still have almost a full day of patients before I can leave.
I groan as I fall back into my chair, my head lolling on my neck as I stare at the ceiling.
Why is it that I can never seem to get my shit together after five p.m.?
