CHAPTER THIRTEEN
The phone woke me up earlier than I would have liked, yanking me right out of a deep sleep. I’d been dreaming about running through the woods, with wolves biting at my heels and thorns tearing at my skin. I sat up with a start, untangled myself from Dylan’s arms, and searched through my purse for my phone. It was Bethany.
“I’m so sorry, Sam,” she said, her voice husky. I knew she’d been crying. I cradled the phone against my cheek.
“Me, too.”
Dylan stretched out on the bed, his eyes closed, naked from the waist down, and murmured something in his sleep. I snuck out into the hallway so I wouldn’t wake him.
“I’m the worst friend in the world,” she said with a sniff.
“No. I am. And I deserved every word you said to me.”
“You didn’t. It was your birthday, and I ruined it.”
“I ruined it very nicely myself, thank you very much. I got trashed and acted like an idiot. You can’t take credit for everything.”
She laughed. “Have fun with your parents today.”
I looked at the clock in the hallway. I had hours before they were due to arrive. Enough time to clean my room and come to grips with how I’d behaved last night.
“There will be a giant piece of chocolate cake with your name on it. One for Gabriela, too.”
We hung up and I slipped back into the room. Dylan hadn’t moved. He snored softly. I walked up to him and brushed his dark hair away from his forehead.
He’d been different last night. Crazier. Louder. And I’d never seen him drink. Maybe he needed to let down the wall around himself once in a while. He was usually so composed, quiet, and mature. Now I’d seen a very different side of him.
I was usually a happy, giggling, loving sort of drunk. The fight with Bethany had been a total anomaly, for both of us. Normally, I just hugged and kissed everyone within grabbing distance, told my friends I loved them, and then fell asleep. My cheeks got hot as I thought about how I kissed Max. I’d enjoyed it way too much. If Dylan had seen that, it would have been a complete disaster.
Dylan woke, a smile spreading across his face. “Last night was fantastic.”
“Which part?”
He sat up and laughed, running a hand through his hair. “All of it. I haven’t had that much fun in a long time.”
He pulled me closer, tugging on the waistband of my pajamas, but I backed away. “I can’t. My parents are coming soon. And my sister. They’re bringing me a cake.”
His hand dropped. “Were you going to tell me about it?”
“I just did. It was last minute. They wanted to surprise me.” A bold faced lie, but he believed it. “Why don’t you join us for cake later? Bethany and Gabriela will come, too.”
“Shoot. I have plans this afternoon, but I’ll try to come.” He wrinkled up his face. “Didn’t you guys fight last night?”
“We’re okay now. Bethany called this morning. We talked it out.”
“What was it about?”
I shrugged. “Drunk girls acting stupid. Nothing important.”
He laughed, pulling me close to give me a hug. “Drunk girls acting stupid. If that was on TV, I think I’d watch it.”
“It involves a lot of drama and puking.” I held up the stained corner of his shirt. “As evidenced right here. Thanks for taking care of me last night.”
He sat on my bed, and I stood next to him. He smiled up at me, completely oblivious to my emotions. Guilt. Disgust. Shame. I was a virtual cornucopia of self-loathing this morning, but Dylan didn’t pick up on it at all. I wondered if he even remembered what he’d said about coming to Japan. I hoped not. That was a discussion I wanted to avoid at all costs.
He kissed me and I summoned all my willpower not to turn away. He smelled like stale beer. “I’ll always take care of you, Sam. Always.”
After he left, I cleaned my room in a clockwise direction, starting at the door. I opened the windows, letting the fresh, cool air fill the room, and changed my sheets as well. The old ones were revolting, covered in stains from what we’d done on them the night before. I ran down the steps and tossed them into the washer, along with the clothes I wore last night.
I dressed in a pair of jeans and a soft sweater and by the time my parents arrived, I seemed more like myself. As soon as I saw them pull up in their minivan, I flew to them, hugging each of them and holding them close. My mom’s arms were full of gifts and my dad carried a bunch of balloons. Sophie had grown another inch in the month since I’d seen her last, and she greeted me with a huge smile on her sweet, freckled face.
“Happy Birthday, Sissy.”
Mom took one look at my face and felt my forehead. “You look pale, Sam. And you’ve lost weight. Are you okay?”
I took her hand in mine. “I’m fine. I’ve just been really busy lately and I’m a little tired.”
She still looked worried, but Dad cleared his throat, holding out the balloons to me. They were pink, and he seemed eager to get rid of them.
“Thanks, Daddy. They’re beautiful.”
He kissed my cheek. “Just like you, Sam.”
Big and tall and a little gruff, my father lived his life in a cloud of estrogen, surrounded by dollies and sparkles and tea sets and crowns. He handled it well, but he’d never really embraced it.
“I’m so glad to see all of you.”
We walked around town, did a lot of window-shopping, and then had dinner at my favorite Chinese restaurant. There the interrogation began.
“Where’s Max?” asked Sophie. She’d come to stay with me over the summer, and thought of him as an older brother.
I paused, a bite of General Tso’s chicken in my chopsticks. “We broke up, Sophie. You know that.”
She frowned. “Does that mean we won’t get to see him?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“That sucks.”
Mom leaned forward. “Tell us about Dylan.”
I swallowed the bite of chicken and took a long sip of tea. “Well. He’s really nice. He’s supposed to stop by after dinner to meet you guys.”
I glanced at my cell phone. He hadn’t messaged me yet.
“What year is he?” asked my dad.
Now this seemed like an easy question, but actually it wasn’t. Dylan should have been a senior, but because of the year he’d missed, he was technically a junior. I didn’t want to get into a long explanation at the moment, so I went with the easiest and most honest course of action.
“He’s twenty-two.”
Dad’s jaw tightened. He didn’t like that answer. “And what is he studying?”
“Business. His father has his own company. I think Dylan wants to work for him someday.”
Dad made a non-committal sort of noise and went back to his food. I pushed my hair back and my mom noticed my earrings.
“Those are gorgeous.”
“Dylan gave them to me for my birthday. He really is very sweet.”
“Nice. Sweet. Rich.” Sophie checked off fingers. “So what’s wrong with him?”
I froze. “What do you mean?”
I sat next to my dad, and Sophie and my mom sat across from us. Sophie gave me a look that spoke volumes. Sometimes, she was way too mature for a seventeen year old.
“Sissy, you know I love you,” she said very seriously.
I snorted. “Yes, I do.”
“And you know I can read you like a book.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “What are you getting at?”
She poked at her food with her chopsticks. “You aren’t telling us the whole story.”
My parents both seemed very interested in hearing this, too. My dad put down his chopsticks and folded his hands on the table to stare at me.
“There isn’t more to tell. It’s very…casual, okay?”
The waitress came to refill our drinks, distracting my parents. Sophie wiggled her eyebrows at me and gave me a naughty little grin.
“Casual, huh?”
I k
icked her under the table. “It’s not the time for a serious boyfriend. There’s no point.”
“Uh-huh. And a casual boyfriend gave you diamond earrings?”
Fortunately, my mom ignored her. “I can’t believe you’re leaving in January. I’m not sure I’m ready for this.”
She sniffed, getting a little teary. My dad just stared at her. “It’s not like we ever see her. Whenever you get upset, just pretend she’s here. It’ll feel the same.”
“No, it won’t.” Mom dabbed her eyes with her napkin. “Japan is so far away.”
Sophie folded her arms across her chest. She looked a bit teary as well, even though we’d already made plans for her to come and visit me in March. Dad showed sudden interest in his fingernails, a sure sign he was getting emotional, too. If he cried, I knew I’d lose it.
I leaned closer to my mom. “I’ll be home before you know it, but let’s make the most of the time we have together before I go. We have Thanksgiving in only a few weeks, then Christmas. That’s three solid weeks. We’ll have so much fun together.”
“You’ll stay with us? For both holidays? You won’t go skiing or to a beach or visit your friends or stay with Dylan?” Sophie asked as she gave me the stink eye. I reached for her hand.
“I will be with you each and every single day and you’ll be so sick of me you’ll beg me to leave.”
Her lips twitched into a little smile. “And you’ll be sick of me next year.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m coming to college here in the fall. I got in Early Decision.”
I squealed and jumped out of my chair so I could run over and hug her, scaring the waiter nearly half to death and making him swear at me in Chinese. I apologized and squeezed Sophie around the neck. Everything had somehow slid back into place. Just being around my family for a few hours made me remember exactly who I was and what I wanted.
Dylan, Gabriela, and Bethany joined us for cake in the dining room of the Theta house. Having Gabriela and Bethany there provided enough of a distraction my parents didn’t zoom in on Dylan the whole time, but my mom took a moment to pull me aside.
“He’s really handsome.”
I looked over at him, chatting with my dad about sports or some other manly topic. My dad seemed to really like him. Sophie liked him, too. I didn’t know if I should be pleased or nervous. Dylan’s dark eyes met mine, and he gave me a little smile, one that promised a lot of very naughty things. I turned away, hoping my mom hadn’t caught it. Of course, she did.
“And he likes you. A lot.”
I clasped my hands behind my back and stared down at my toes. “He does.”
“Maybe too much?”
My eyes shot to her face. “What do you mean?”
“Love is never completely equal, baby, and it’s not always fair.”
I thought about Will and realized she was right. I’d definitely cared about him more than he ever cared about me, and it had really hurt. I didn’t want to ever make anyone else feel like that, especially Dylan, but I had no idea how to fix it.
Dad came up to us, taking a look at his watch. “We’d better hit the road.”
I hugged each of them, feeling unexpectedly emotional. I’d missed them more than I realized. Dad gave me an extra squeeze and I buried my nose in his flannel shirt.
“I’ll be here to get you for Thanksgiving before you know it,” he said. “Don’t look so sad.”
We waved goodbye, and I watched their minivan disappear into the night. I sighed and Dylan put his arm around my shoulder. Gabriela and Bethany had gone back inside where it was warm. The weather had turned much cooler, and a stiff breeze blew through the campus, making the leaves on the ground swirl and dance.
I looked up at Dylan with a smile, wrapping my arms around his waist. “They liked you.”
He raised one eyebrow. “They did?”
I nodded. “Even my dad, which is an accomplishment.”
He laughed. “They were really nice. And Sophie is a cutie.”
I scowled and grabbed a handful of leaves to throw at him. “What did you say?”
He grinned. “Sophie is a cutie.”
I threw the leaves at him, hitting him on the head. He picked up some leaves and threw them at me, and soon it turned into an all-out battle. We ended up on the ground under a giant oak tree. I laughed so hard tears poured down my face.
“I have leaves in my bra,” I said, trying to fish them out.
Dylan’s hand slid under my sweater. “I could help you with that.”
He spoke with a French accent for some reason, which made me laugh even harder, and then he tickled me until I begged for mercy. Finally, he lay down next to me, and we stared up at the sky through the bare branches of the tree above us. Stars filled the cloudless night sky, sparkling like the diamonds in my earrings.
He reached for my hand and held it, sighing. “Do you know what you make me feel?”
I turned my head to face him, my hair spread out around me like a fan. “What?”
“It’s something I haven’t felt in a long time. Something I didn’t think I’d feel again.” He stared at me, his face pale in the light of the moon. “Content. Absolutely, utterly content.”
I rolled to my side and reached up to brush the leaves from his hair. “I’ll be gone soon. You know that. Are you going to be okay?”
His lips curved into a crooked smile. “I’m okay now. At this moment. There’s no sense in worrying about anything else because there’s nothing we can do about it. Nothing lasts forever, sweet Sam. You’ll be back before we know it.”
I’d assumed we’d break up before I left, and that was something we’d have to discuss, but I saw no point in bringing it up right now. He seemed so happy, and I didn’t want to fight. I was tired of fighting, and of continuously feeling the need to defend myself. To Dylan. To Bethany. To Max. To everyone.
That night he stayed over, but we didn’t have sex. Instead, we fell asleep fully clothed, curled up in each other’s arms. Somehow, in many ways, it seemed more intimate than all the other nights we’d spent together. I put my ear against his chest and sighed, drifting off to sleep with the sound of Dylan’s heart beating out its rhythmic song like a lullaby in my ear.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Midterms hit, and I barely saw Dylan. I spent most of my time in the library, poring over hundreds and hundreds of kanji until my vision blurred and I put my head down on the desk in defeat. My classmate, Hana, sat next to me, diligently copying the intricate strokes onto notecards as she blew her long, dark bangs away from her face.
“Come on, Sam. We’re almost there.”
Hana’s parents were ni-sei, or second generation Japanese, born in Hawaii. Hana had grown up surrounded by Japanese culture, but her parents and grandparents had spoken very little Japanese at home. She also planned on attending Ritsumeikan Daigaku in the spring, so basically we were in the same boat.
When I first saw Hana, I thought she looked very Japanese. But the more time I spent around actual Japanese people, the more I realized Hana looked Hawaiian. She didn’t walk like Japanese people. She certainly didn’t talk like Japanese people. She dressed like a surfer chick, and she still had the remnants of a tan from all the time she spent in the sun. She was completely adorable, and I was so glad she’d be at Ritsumeikan with me. Even better, I’d just heard back from Dr. Tanaka that Hana would be my roommate.
“You’re so good at kanji.” Too tired to lift my head, I rested my cheek on my textbook and watched her write. “How can you remember them all?”
“Well, dude, I write them down. Over and over and over again. And I try to break them into smaller parts. Look at this one, the symbol for woman, onna, is inside. Find the kanji inside the kanji and it makes it a lot easier.”
“The kanji inside the kanji? FML. I’m doomed.”
She laughed. “You’ll get it, don’t worry. You’re just a ball of stress. You need to chill.”
“I can’t
chill. I’m unchillable.” I grabbed some index cards and started writing. Hana was right. There were kanji inside the kanji. “I never thought of doing it this way. It’s so much easier.”
“The perks of having a Japanese grandmother. She taught me how to do that, but my problem isn’t with the writing. It’s with the speaking.” She shook her head. “Every time I open my mouth, it’s a disaster.”
“Try not to translate. Just let it flow.”
She snorted. “Easy for you to say. You’re a natural. And having a Japanese face is actually a detriment.”
“What do you mean?”
She twirled her pencil in her fingers. “If you make a mistake when you speak, white girl, it’s no big deal. You’re obviously not Japanese. People will applaud you for making the effort and forgive you for not being perfect. If I make a mistake, even a tiny one, it’s a totally different story. I learned that when I went to Japan last summer with my parents. People were mean.”
“Why?”
“I look Japanese. It throws them off. They don’t want to be cruel…” She tapped her pencil against her chin, a faraway look in her eyes. “They don’t like differences. Do you remember that saying we learned from Dr. Brown in Japanese anthropology last week?”
“The nail that sticks out will be hammered back into place.”
She nodded. “In Japan, I’m that nail.”
“Then why do you want to go there?”
“Because I love it and it’s freaking awesome. It’s a beautiful country, and it’s where my ancestors came from. Even if I’m an outsider, I still feel connected there. Why do you want to go, Sam?”
“Kind of the same reason, except for the ancestors part, obviously. It’s so different from everything I’ve ever known. And it’s a challenge. The language, the culture, everything. And I need to improve my kanji or I’ll never pass that test in April. Going to Japan for a semester seemed like the best way.”
I thought about what Dr. Tanaka had said about finding myself there. I wondered if that was even possible. Until very recently, I hadn’t even realized I was lost.
Saying Goodbye, Part One (Passports and Promises Book 1) Page 11
