“Sara’s right,” Blaise said, standing. “If you choose to be miserable in life, realize that it’s your choice, because Jonah is incredible and if you walk away from that, you’re a fool.”
“You don’t understand,” I said, fighting back tears. “When I say I’m not good enough for him, I’m not being melodramatic. There are things in my past you don’t know about.”
“Bria, we all have a past. If Jonah is half the man I think he is, your past won’t matter,” Josh said, touching my knee.
I wished he was right, but I knew he was wrong. Some things change us forever and forgiveness can never happen.
* * *
We spent the day cleaning and getting settled. I stayed with my friends and avoided Jonah. He must have been avoiding me just as carefully. I didn’t see him. There were several times I could tell Charlotte and Nonie wanted to talk to me, but I never gave them the opportunity. I stuck to Sara and Blaise. They tolerated my presence, though when we were away from the others they told me I was being stupid and I needed to get over whatever was in my past. But they didn’t know what that past was and no matter how many times they asked, I would not tell them.
The days continued in this way, with Jonah and I avoiding one another. Each of us easily filled our time with hard work and training. East took the lead in training my friends and me in combat. JP often joined in and occasionally Eli, Quint, or Charlotte, but never Jonah. We learned to punch, kick, elbow, and knee. We learned how to get away from an attacker with a knife to our throat or a gun to our head. We did push-ups and squats. Never had I worked so hard or hurt so much. None of us knew if these defenses would save us, but we all agreed we had to do whatever we could.
Jonah, Blaise, and Josh went hunting when the meat was getting low, which was fairly often, considering how many of us there were. Wrath’s body had given us only one full meal, but we were thankful for that meal. Pops was right. This land had plenty of game. And Nonie and Charlotte talked often about the fresh fruit we’d have in the fall from the large orchard.
The water was plentiful. Not only did we have a stream, but it was spring fed. It originated a few miles from the house. Eli and Jonah had gone exploring one day and found that there was a house of sorts near its starting point. Pops said that was something called a spring house. The water could be diverted through the house and things like milk or cheese could be kept cool year round. The little house was designed to function like a refrigerator. If we ever had a surplus of food and weren’t afraid of being attacked, we could use it as one. The horses could get someone there and back in less than an hour. But as it was, we never had a surplus of food and we were always on guard for an attack. None of us went anywhere alone, and one of us was always armed.
Quint assumed that by now several of Mick’s relatives had made it out to his property. By his count, there could be as many of them as there were of us. I tried not to focus on the possibility of an attack, but it was never far from my mind. Quinn, in particular, was kept close to the house, with lots of people around her. She was never allowed to go on hunting expeditions, as JP sometimes was. She was barely allowed to go to the barn.
The horses were happy in their new home. Jonah, Quint, East, Eli, and Sara spent much of their energy building a fence to keep them from wandering too far from us. They could jump it if they wanted, but the truth was they didn’t want to. They liked being near us and we liked being near them. I visited Talin often, though never when Jonah was around.
I rarely spoke to Jonah, yet I was not unkind to him. He did his best to avoid me, but he was not hateful toward me, which is how I would be to him if the situations were reversed. He was doing a tremendous amount of physical labor—cutting trees for firewood and the fence—and the result on his body was intense. His already muscular frame became even more so. I tried not to look at him. Looking at him led me to a place I knew I could never go.
We were all getting stronger. I noticed changes in my own body, which previously would only have happened with an abusive personal trainer and a near-starvation diet. Here it happened without trying. The fat melted and the muscles grew. I ate everything I possibly could. Though I was now always able to eat my fill, I rarely felt satisfied. Simple carbs, which had been so plentiful before, were now nonexistent.
Blaise, Josh, and Charlotte spoke often of the garden. Where it would be. What would be planted where. They started a compost pile not only for the horse and chicken manure, but also the bone and blood meal from the animals we ate. The skins were preserved. Nonie knew how to do that, and they would be saved until we needed the leather for shoes, clothes, blankets, or whatever else. Nothing was wasted now. Like Jonah said over a month ago, there was no more trash being added to the landfill.
The days were hard but short. We could only work when the sun was up. When it was down we had to be in. It wasn’t safe or productive. We decided Mick would steal the animals before he would kill them. If they were taken we would get them back, but if only two of us were guarding them at night we knew Mick would not hesitate to kill us. As a result none of us were allowed out at night. We rotated who sat up all night guarding the house. But only those who could shoot well were in the rotation. I was never chosen.
In spite of this fear, the evenings were peaceful. If you sat right in front of the fire, the flames were bright enough to read by; otherwise, we talked or the Pages prayed. I knew now the beads were called rosaries. Eli had explained the rosary’s origin to us. Sara said she thought it was a beautiful devotion to a beautiful lady. She often joined in. While I didn’t join in, I found the meditative quality of the prayer relaxing and comforting. I often found myself wanting to do the sign of the cross when they finished, but I always stopped myself.
I questioned many things as the days and nights went on. I found myself believing that a God must exist. Clearly these people knew him. And I did not believe they were insane or foolish, as my father had taught me to see religious people. During the rosary or Bible readings I would look at their faces. They were so devoted. They fully believed what they were reading or praying. I saw the peacefulness in each of them, not only during prayer time, but all the time.
It was during these times, when Jonah and his family were bowed in prayer, that I watched him. Charlotte occasionally noticed my gazing at him, and I’d quickly turn away. She never said anything. Jonah never noticed.
As the days went by, the crush I’d felt for him changed. It was no longer a crush. I loved him, completely and totally. I longed to tell him. To ask him to give me a chance. To ask him to forgive me for my past actions, which I had come to see as sins. But I knew this was not fair to him. The reality was he deserved better. He deserved the best. He deserved to be a priest, to make God his spouse, as Eli had explained it to me.
The family had Mass, their church service, every morning right before sunrise. Sara began attending almost every day. Blaise and Josh also attended pretty often. I never purposely woke up to go, but I often was awake so I often went. That, too, I found beautiful, steeped in rituals I didn’t understand, but they did. It was during Mass that Jonah often helped Eli, who was in charge of the whole thing. I could see him there, being a priest like his brother. I wanted to cry and rejoice at the same time. I knew it was what was best for him, and as my love for him grew so did my desire for him to be a priest. The truth was I loved him enough to give him up.
We had very few crackers left and only two bottles of wine; they were reserved for the Mass, to be used as something called the Eucharist. Eli said, “This is my body which I have given up for you.” He lifted the crackers and the family bowed their heads. With the wine, he said, “This is my blood which I have given up for you.” He lifted it, and again the family bowed. They then took turns eating a tiny piece of cracker and sipping a tiny bit of wine. Except for Quinn, who they said had not yet reached the age of reason when she could fully understand that this tiny bit of cracker and sip of wine were somehow turned into Jesus’s body and blood.
The rest of us did not join them in the Eucharist, as they called it, though Eli said he’d be happy to teach any of us about it that wanted to learn. Sara took him up on this and he spent time explaining the Mass to her. At first I thought she did this as a way to spend time alone with Eli. I didn’t think his being a priest would deter her from trying to sleep with him, but within a week I saw a change in her. I realized that in fact she was believing all of this. It was not just a ploy to get closer to Eli; it was real. She was more peaceful and less craving of attention, especially from Eli and Jonah. It was a needed change.
I was happy for her. I began to wonder if perhaps I should ask Eli to explain things to me as well, but I had just started to believe in the possibility of a God. I wasn’t ready to become Catholic too.
Eighteen
The snow was coming down in sheets and had been all day. I sat on the carpet in the library, reading to Quinn. Almost everyone else was there as well. Only Blaise, Josh, and Eli were missing. It was the warmest, best-lit room in the house. I understood why my ancestors had made it the place of reading and gathering.
“What do you want for Christmas?” Quinn asked, sitting on my lap and looking at the ancient copy of The Night Before Christmas.
I glanced at Jonah, who sat by his mother, reading. I thought of my father. There were so many things I wanted.
While growing up, I never celebrated the birth of Jesus. My father would buy me presents for New Year’s Day, but he refused to give me anything on Christmas. Now, in this Christian house, everyone was looking forward to the fast-approaching holiday. Even me.
“Hmm, I’m not sure. What do you want?” I asked, looking down at her.
“Crayons,” she said.
“Crayons?” I asked, surprised by the simple clarity of her answer.
“I forgot them and everyone else forgot too,” she said, looking sad.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said, giving her a hug.
“That’s okay. Santa will bring them,” she said.
“Quinn, remember I said this year Santa has so many children who are in need of basic things like food, that he might not be able to give you crayons,” Charlotte said from her nearby spot at the window, where she sat sewing some of JP’s clothes.
“I know he will. I been good all year,” Quinn said with confidence.
“We will see,” Charlotte said with a hint of sadness in her voice.
“Why do you want crayons so badly?” I asked.
“’Cause I want to draw pretty pictures to put in my room,” she said.
“The walls are a little bare,” I agreed.
Pops had told us that over the years my relatives had taken paintings they liked. The result was only a few pieces still remained in the house. The walls were a dingy white; they could use some decoration or paint. We had neither.
“They are boring,” she said, nodding.
“Come on, Quinn, give Bria a rest. Pick out another story and I’ll read to you,” East said, taking her sister’s hand and lifting her off my lap.
I lay back. Reading had made me tired. Having a day inside, not cleaning, was a rarity. I lay by the fire and closed my eyes. I listened as East read to Quinn.
* * *
I opened my eyes. The sun was low in the sky. Only Charlotte remained in the room. She sat, still repairing clothes by her place at the window.
“Where is everyone?” I asked, sitting up and pushing my hair back.
Charlotte looked up and smiled. “You must have been tired. You slept through the excitement of the snow stopping and the kids clamoring to get outside and make a snowman. Everyone else went with them.”
I stood and walked toward Charlotte and the window. I could see everyone playing in the snow. Even Pops occasionally scooped up a snowball and tossed it gently at Quinn and harder at JP.
“That looks like fun,” I said, sitting next to Charlotte on the small couch.
“You should join them.” She gave me an encouraging look.
I watched Jonah scoop snow and throw it hard at East. “That’s okay,” I said, glancing back at Charlotte. “What about you? Why don’t you go outside?”
“I want to get these clothes repaired. John Paul has always been so hard on his clothes. Actually, all of my boys wore out knees faster than they outgrew them. But now I can’t go buy more. I do have some hand-me-downs from his brothers, but not a ton, and what we have has to last,” she said as she sewed a piece of homemade leather onto the ripped knees of a pair of jeans.
I wondered what it must be like to be a mother in a world as uncertain as ours.
“Bria, can I ask you something?” she said, almost reluctantly, putting the pants on her lap.
“Sure, I guess,” I said, feeling nervous.
“Do you like my son?” she asked, looking me in the eyes.
“Yes, your sons are wonderful,” I answered, hoping it was enough and knowing it wasn’t.
“That is very kind, but I am speaking about Jonah. Do you have feelings for him?” Her gaze stayed steady.
I averted my eyes. “I … I …. Why do you ask?”
“I know it’s not my place, but it’s obvious that he cares deeply for you. And there are times when I see you looking at him and a moment ago you said his name in your sleep,” she said.
I exhaled. My hands became wet. I rubbed them on my jeans.
I took a deep breath … deciding to be honest. “I do care for him, a great deal. But ….” I paused, rubbing my hands across my thighs over and over again.
“But what?” she asked kindly.
I looked at her and bit my lip to keep the tears in. “But we can never be together.”
“Few things in the world are that absolute, Bria,” she said with a slight smile.
“This is,” I said, with sorrow in my voice.
“I see,” she said. “Just know that if you ever want to talk to me, not as Jonah’s mom, but as your mom’s best friend, I’m here.”
“Thanks, I—”
“And also know I love you,” Charlotte said. “For the person you are. Regardless of whatever happens or doesn’t happen with you and Jonah. I think of you as one of my own. There is nothing you could say or do that would make me love you less. And any man, including my son, would be lucky to be loved by you. Do you understand?” she said, holding my chin in her hands and staring into my eyes.
I nodded. I wanted to doubt her words, but the force of them made that impossible. She offered me unconditional love. All I had to do was accept it. I had never been offered such a love before.
I heard the kitchen door open and loud laughter enter the house.
She released my chin. “And now the rest of my wonderful family needs me. I know they must be hungry,” she said. “I love you, Bria, and your mom loves you,” she said, smoothing my hair and laying the jeans in her sewing basket by the couch.
I sucked in air, trying not to cry until she left the room. The door closed behind her as the tears slowly rolled down, dripping off my chin.
The door opened. I quickly wiped my chin on my shoulder.
“Oh, I-ah, I didn’t know anyone was in here,” Jonah said, stopping in his tracks when he saw me.
I sniffed. “No, it’s okay. Your mom and I were just talking. You can stay. I’m going to help her get dinner together,” I said, standing.
“No, you can stay. Mom sent me in here to get a dry pair of pants for JP. She said she had just finished patching a pair.” He stood by the door, not moving.
“Oh, here,” I said, picking up the pants. I walked to Jonah and held them out for him.
He reached out his hand. “Thanks,” he said, taking them from me. “Are you okay?” He tilted his head to see my eyes.
“Yeah, just allergies or dust or something,” I said, releasing the pants from my grip.
He nodded and turned to go out of the room. He stopped with his hand on the doorknob and turned to me. “Bria, I know when you’re lying,” he said, and then walked out of the
room.
I stepped backward and fell onto the couch. He knew. He knew I lied that night … that my horrible words had been said to keep him away and hurt him, but were not who I was.
He was staying away from me because he understood that’s how it had to be, not because he hated me. Maybe someday I could tell him my secrets and maybe he would forgive me. Maybe someday he would love me as I love him. My heart was full of gratitude. Had Charlotte sent him to me on purpose? She was a smart woman. There were plenty of other people she could have sent in to grab a pair of pants. Jonah walking into the room as I was crying was not a coincidence.
* * *
A few hours later I lay on my side watching the fire burn, as Sara and Blaise slept on the bed above me. My thoughts turned to Charlotte and her family, who had given us so much. Who had saved us. I wanted to do something for them to show how much they meant to me, but there was nothing I could do. Blaise at least could hunt and had contributed to our meat supply at least once already. Josh, though smaller than Jonah, worked alongside him and was able to keep up with him at least when it came to stamina. His strength was not quite there, but no doubt it would be soon. Sara, for her part, had taken great interest in their religion. She spent as much time as she could with Eli, asking questions and learning. She too worked hard serving others. She seemed to model herself after Charlotte in that respect. But me, what did I do? I could think of nothing. Everyone else contributed in a substantial way; I did not.
What had I done today? Read to Quinn and then took a nap. A long nap that kept me from sleeping tonight. I thought of Quinn, how sweet and kind she was. At first her presence had made me uncomfortable; however, I no longer saw her as representative of a child but as herself. Now she made me happy and lightened my heart. I enjoyed reading to her and spending time with her. I tried to keep JP from picking on her. She would be heartbroken two days from now when Santa didn’t bring her crayons. Charlotte would be heartbroken for her. I knew there was nothing I could do, but I wished there were.
The Light: Who do you become when the world falls away? (New Dawn Book 1) Page 15
