by Ruby Dixon
He laughs. “It’s a game called fetch.”
I realize that now. But you were…kind to him. And he was so happy to be with you. I remember you laughing and it made me happy. I wanted to know more about you. That’s why I started following you. I trace my fingertip lightly down his belly. I remember now.
That was before we mated, he tells me encouragingly. If you remember that, perhaps you will remember more with time.
Perhaps. The note of hope in his thoughts makes me ache. What if I can’t remember more than this? What if I’m always too broken to be the mate he wants?
18
TEVA
Later that night, I am curled up against him when I hear a voice inside my head.
You are unhappy.
My belly fires. This is the first time they have talked to me when I am in my two-legged form, though I am not entirely surprised to hear from them. The voice is the darker one, the more sinister one that has replaced the earlier voice. I have my mate, I tell them. We are simply learning each other.
But you have doubts. It is obvious.
I do not want to go to his human hive, I admit to them. I like Gabe, but I do not know that I will like more humans. He should want to be with me and only me, and he thinks of them, too. It makes me…
Jealous?
I hate that my belly fires are right. Maybe. Do I not have that right? I should be first in his eyes, not fighting for his attention.
Most humans are weak, my belly fires agree.
Gabe is not, I defend hotly. He is strong and good.
If you say so. My belly fires do not sound convinced. You know what you should do?
What?
You should go to Fort Dallas.
Another human hive?
But different. There are many drakoni there now, are there not? And a baby. You wanted to see the baby.
My heart fills with longing. I do want to see the baby.
More than that, you want answers, don’t you? Answers to how you become the mate he needs.
I suck in a breath and Gabe automatically turns toward me, pulling me against him. He tucks my head under his chin, his breathing even, as if he will protect me from bad dreams. It is achingly sweet, and it makes me hurt in my spirit. I want to be the mate he needs. How do you know the answers are there?
There is a powerful one there that can be a mentor to you.
A mentor. Yes, I need one. Liam—Atalim—said himself that he is struggling. A mentor would be wise. But…Gabe will not want to go to another fort. He wishes to go to his hive.
Suit yourself, then. My belly fires grow quiet.
I am unsettled. Am I making the wrong decision, then? Should I go there? Or is this just another aspect of my broken mind leading me astray? I do not know what to think, and I hold tightly to Gabe, unable to sleep.
* * *
In the morning, Gabe kisses me gently and studies my face. “You didn’t sleep well?”
I shrug. My mind was full of many thoughts.
“Anything I can help with?”
He looks so determined that I feel a fierce rush of pleasure. He wants me to be the right mate for him too, I realize. He will want me to be stronger, more capable. Perhaps my belly fires were right.
I want to go to Fort Dallas, I tell him.
I can feel Gabe’s surprise and confusion. “You know of Fort Dallas?”
I have not been there.
“But…you want to go?” He still doesn’t understand, and then realization dawns on him a moment later. “Because of the baby?”
I think of little Sallavatri and my heart squeezes. I would like to see her. I want to hold her, to breathe in her baby scent, to calm her mind with mine. Not just the baby, I admit. I want a mentor. Someone that can teach me how to stay in battle form without losing control.
“That’s why we’re here. So Liam can teach you—”
I shake my head. Liam is not under control himself. I need someone stronger. Someone with more skill at balancing the two forms.
He thinks for a moment, struggling through memories of conversations with Amy and dragon names she has told him in the past. Then…Vaan? Or Kael? Isn’t that the name of the big dragon in Fort Dallas?
My heart stutters for a moment. Kael. I know that name. I remember the face, hard and arrogant. Yes, I tell Gabe enthusiastically. That is where I want to go. I want to see Kael. I remember him now.
“You remember him?”
I break into a pleased smile. He is my brother.
GABE
Holy shit.
Teva says that she remembers one of the dragons near Fort Dallas, and that he’s her brother. For a woman that can’t remember anything to suddenly pluck this tidbit out of the air feels a bit…strange. Yet I know my Teva. I’m connected to her mind at all times. She’s wild and a little unruly at times but she’s not a liar. Not in the slightest.
So maybe she is remembering more of her past. That’s encouraging.
Even so, it means another diversion from my duties to Fort Shreveport. I stroke the cats even as I round them up into their cages, and they meow angrily at being cooped up once more.
Liam and Andi are far more understanding, though.
“Of course you have to go,” Andi exclaims, glancing over at Teva. My mate is not paying attention, her gaze distantly focused on the skies, as if already imagining herself in Fort Dallas. “We’ll take everything to Fort Shreveport on your behalf,” Andi continues. “Don’t worry about the cats or the flatbed. We can handle all of it, right, Liam?”
She beams at her mate and he nods at her. “We’ll walk them there. The cats probably don’t want to see another dragon for a while.” He gives us a rueful grin.
“And I’ll get to visit Benny.” Andi looks thrilled. “Win-win situation for all of us.”
Liam glances over at Teva. Their eyes meet for a moment and then my mate walks outside, her now-dusty bridal gown fluttering in the breeze. I can feel a ripple in Teva’s thoughts, and I reach out to her even as Andi chatters on about visiting the fort.
Everything ok? I ask Teva. What’s Liam saying to you?
Her thoughts stir and she turns to look at me, her eyes whirling gold. He says that it is dangerous there. To be careful. But I still want to go. Kael is my brother. I have a connection in this world. Something to look forward to. Her thoughts are full of hope.
For some reason, I’m stung by that. She looks forward to her brother because then she’ll have a connection? I want to ask what it means for me, but things have been strained between us for days. It’s like we can’t connect at any level, and the more we struggle, the more I disappoint her.
I’ve only wanted to help her, not make her miserable. Seems like I’m not succeeding, though, and that’s the most frustrating thing of all. If I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, how can I fix it?
But whatever it is, I’m not enough for Teva, plain and simple. She needs more.
So off to Fort Dallas we go.
19
GABE
It takes several long days of endless hiking for us to reach Fort Dallas. We’re faster without the flatbed of cats, and we can walk longer, with less breaks. Teva stays in her human form, and I never suggest that she switch. We’re polite to one another, and she keeps up with my longer legs, but the vibe between us is…off. She’s silent, and her mind is closed to me at almost all times. If I ask her something directly, she answers, but…she’s not there.
The warm, playful Teva I’ve glimpsed so many times in the past isn’t here. The female at my side is remote and distracted. And while I understand it, I still want the other Teva back. I miss the playful flirting. I miss her enthusiasm for the world around her. I miss her, period.
Strange how you can miss someone that’s a few feet away from you. Stranger still how you can miss someone you only just met. But Teva and I are connected on a deeper level. At first I thought it was jarring to have her thoughts constantly touching my own, her mind paired with mine. But no
There’s a ripple in Teva’s thoughts and I pause in my steps, waiting for her to reach out to me. There’s another ripple, almost like laughter. Almost like there’s a conversation going on that I’m not privy to.
And even though I can’t hear Teva’s thoughts, I can still feel some of her emotions. There’s a wave of uncertainty that rushes through her.
Then, she speaks.
Yes. I am headed there.
“Teva?” I ask, and she looks over at me, startled. “Going where?”
What?
“You said you were headed there,” I repeat slowly. “What were you talking about?”
Oh. Nothing.
“Are you talking to another drakoni?” I scan the horizon, looking for wings. “Or Liam? The baby?”
Her golden eyes whirl darker for a moment. No. None of them.
That concerns me. I think about what she said before, the voice that talks to her and tells her to do things. “Your belly fires?”
She admits this with a slight incline of her head. They are happy we are coming to Fort Dallas.
I’m disappointed to hear she’s still talking to them. It means she’s not getting better. I was hoping that whole “belly fires” thing would go away once she kept her human form for a while, but I guess that’s not the case. “Are…they the ones that told you that Kael is your brother?” Maybe this is all a figment of her imagination. “Is that why they’re glad?”
They do not know about Kael, she admits. It is just a memory I have. Kael is not his full name, you know. Her smile grows soft, her gaze distracted. We were young and fighting constantly. This was after I acquired my fires, but Kael was too young to leave our family’s nest yet. We were both hot-tempered at that age. I do not remember why we argued, just that he bit off the tip of my tail and flew off. I was furious and so I flew after him. He flew low to try and distract me, thinking I would play it safe. Instead, I decided to prove to him that I could follow just as close.
“And did you?”
Her expression grows sheepish. I did…and then I crashed into a rock wall. Mangled my wing. Kael carried me all the way home without a word of complaint and he never teased me again. Her mind is full of fondness. He was a good brother. I am both sad and happy that he is here. Sad that he has been through the same misery I have, but happy that I have someone. Someone that I remember. Family.
“Family’s important,” I agree. I think of my family, and how none of them survived the Rift or the days afterwards. I shake my head as if to clear it of bad memories, because the months directly following the Rift definitely weren’t good ones. They’re best left forgotten. “So how long did you want to visit?”
Visit? she asks, and there is genuine curiosity in her tone. Why is it a visit? This is where my family is, and so this is where I want to be.
I stare at her. I’m a newcomer to Fort Shreveport, granted, but I’m needed there. I have friends there. My apocalypse family. I think of Charlie, and Lester, and Major. Scooter. While I can go and retrieve the dog, traveling would be hard on the guys. They’re old and still recovering from the long walk to Fort Shreveport a few months ago. The last thing I want is to drag them all over Texas to someplace I don’t even know is safe. “I have obligations back home. Don’t you think we should discuss this?”
I can sense her hurt. It covers her feelings like a blanket, shielding me from her innermost thoughts. You have already decided that the other hive is now our home without asking me. What if I do not want to be there? What if I want to be here?
I rub the back of my neck, torn. She’s not wrong. I always assumed we’d just go back to Fort Shreveport. Even so, I can’t abandon the people there that need me. “We’ll…ah, figure it out.” Somehow.
Teva’s golden eyes are accusing. You said you did not anticipate having a mate. That all you thought of was bringing me back to myself. Well, I am here and now you do not act as if you want to be with me. You have kissed me and then pulled away. You will not give me your seed or your heart. You do not want a mate. You do not want to share spirits. You do not want me as much as I want you, and I will not hurt myself further by expecting more.
I hate the words that pour out of her, hate the thoughts that slap into me like blows, because she’s right. I treat Teva like my mate when it’s convenient for me, and the moment it’s not, I balk. Even so, it’s not that simple. If it was just me? I’d let Teva lead. But I have to think about the people in Fort Shreveport that are counting on me. I have to think about Charlie and the others, who are a burden on the fort unless someone takes up the slack. I think about Benny, who needs a male authority figure in his life and has been looking to me for that. I think of Amy and Rast, who are already spread thin trying to keep the fort together, and how much worse it’ll be for all of them if I fuck off and never return.
I think of all the people that died of plague at Fort Justice. Would their fates have been any different if I’d stayed there after all? If I’d chosen them instead of Major and Charlie and Lester when the fort voted to kick them out? Did I trade forty lives for those three?
I rub my mouth. I have no answers. “It’s not that simple, Teva. I wish it was.”
It can be simple. What do your instincts tell you?
To put my hand in hers and let her lead. To never let her fucking go. Ever. To lean in to all this possessiveness I feel when it comes to her. But that’s selfishness talking. If the apocalypse has taught me anything, it’s that sometimes what I want doesn’t matter. Can’t matter. I shake my head. “I’m not drakoni. I can’t run on instinct alone.”
And her answering smile is so, so sad.
How did I manage to fuck this all up so badly when I only had the best of intentions?
* * *
It’s early morning when the tall skyscrapers of Old Dallas come into view on the horizon, and nearly dusk when we take an exit off the highway that leads us toward the impossibly tall buildings. We turn down a litter and weed-strewn street that looks much like any other, and I continue to scan the skies, looking for dragons. They should be everywhere near a big city like this. Humans might turn them utterly mad, but they’re drawn to the madness. The more people about, the more dragons.
I turn to ask my partner if she thinks we’re close, but Teva’s stopped several steps behind me, her hand on her throat, her eyes closed in wonder.
“What is it?” I ask, both aroused and a little alarmed at the expression on her face. Fuck, she’s gorgeous, and the look of ecstasy on her face is doing all kinds of things to my dick.
We are so close, Teva says. Can you hear the baby? Can you not feel her? Her voice is full of wonder.
“I can’t,” I admit. Ever since I mated to Teva, my dragon-sensing has pretty much locked on to her and only her. I used to be able to sense any dragon nearby, but either I’m totally fixated on her or it’s another aspect of the bond. So we’re close to her then?
Very. She opens her eyes and her warm gold gaze regards me. I want to hold her so badly.
I want that for her, too. I extend a hand to her, and she takes it, and we head off into the maze of streets of Old Dallas. Her grip in mine is slight, even though I know she’s strong as hell. She’s being careful not to hurt me with her claws, but for some reason, I wish she’d hold my hand just a little tighter, depend on me just a little bit more. How fucked up is that? I’ve always said I love an independent woman, and the moment I meet one, I can’t seem to meet her halfway about anything. I’m screwing all of this up, it seems.
You are doing the best you can. We both have to figure this out. Her hand gives mine a squeeze after all, and her claws lightly tap on the back of my hand. Stay close to me, Teva says calmly as we turn down another street. And do not show fear, Gabe.
Show fear? What’s she talking about? Teva? What’s going on?
Your scent is strongest when ours mingle together, she says, as if that explains all. When my confusion continues to bleed over, she adds, Look up.
The little hairs prickle on the back of my neck. Slowly, I look up.
My mouth goes dry. Far above the nearest building, a massive dragon-head peers down. Its eyes are more black than gold, but it makes no move to come after us. Something shifts in a building nearby, and then I see a flash of red. Another dragon. And then another.
And another.
The buildings here are covered with roosting, silent dragons, like waiting crows.
It’s the most eerie sensation, and my stomach knots with the need to bolt away—and keep Teva safe.
I will protect you, Teva tells me. You do not have to worry. They will not attack.
I try to swallow, but my throat is dry. You sure about that?
This is not their territory, she tells me simply. This is Kael’s territory. They come to see his child. No one will attack us while we are here, because we cannot challenge for this territory. Besides, they smell you are my mate so you are safe as long as you are with me and my scent is on you. She tosses a little smile over her shoulder, and my chest tightens with how gorgeous she is. Your mate is a fierce destroyer, remember? I will not let anyone bother you.
I find myself smiling back at her. “I haven’t forgotten. It’s just…hard for me to remember. I’m used to being the protector myself.”
She tips her head back and looks at me. Can we not both be protectors?
I chuckle, because she’s got me there. There’s nothing in the rules that says we can’t. “I suppose we can.”
TEVA
We are so close.
Now that we are in Kael’s territory, his scent is on every breeze, and it fills me with memories. There is no doubt in my mind—no matter how fractured and broken it is—that this is my brother’s home. Each time his familiar scent touches my nose, I am filled with flashes of memory. Of sunny, hot days in the desert homelands of our world. Of my first hunts, my brother and my father guiding me. Of following after him before I got my fires and being furious when he would shift and fly away because he didn’t want his little sister tagging along.
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