It was so hard to believe that she would trick him in this way, after her knowledge of his mistrust of women and much more his mistrust of himself. His heart had been broken in two and now he had not only a son to worry about, but the rest of his life. How was he to put the pieces together? Sara had effectively rendered him destroyed, utterly and completely undone. He had nothing to give whatsoever. At the moment, his only companion was his pride, nothing more. Well, that and the ever-convenient talent for quoting Scripture at the worst moments. “Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall,” seemed to repeat over and over in his brain.
He saw the way the servants scowled at him when he left that morning. Sara had naturally been their favorite person since her taking to Duncan just a few days before. In fact, Sara treated them all so well that Nicholas would bet half his fortune that they would side with her rather than him.
What hurt the most was that Sara hadn’t confided in him. She had either been manipulative or she had been afraid. Part of him wanted to wish she was merely scared of what he would do, but the other, saner part figured she just wanted to trap him into a marriage. But why would she need to? Was it merely for the sport of trapping someone like Nicholas?
The very thought of it made him want to punch the first bloke he came into contact with. Now if he could only get his body and his mind to agree that Sara was deceitful and manipulative He’d been in physical pain since leaving her in the garden. His body ached for her. Just by them spending only twenty-four hours together, his body now had a permanent memory of what it felt like to have her skin pressed up against his own. If he didn’t watch himself he would start panting like a dog right there in the carriage. It took every ounce of self-control he possessed not to run back and grovel at her feet. But what would he say? “Sorry that I hurt you Sara, but it was only because you lied to me, and I felt vulnerable and afraid. By the way let’s go to bed and—“
“Sir!” The footman hit the door, totally knocking Nicholas’s thoughts back into order.
“What is it?” he barked.
The carriage came to a stop, and the footman opened the door. “It seems that we need to stay the night at the inn on the border. One of the horses lost his shoe.”
“Very well,” Nicholas said dryly. The day couldn’t really get any worse.
And then…to Nicholas’s despair, it did.
The Horse and Hare was a popular stopping point, making it very likely to be seen by the entire ton on their way to the country. It was excruciating to see smirks from every person within the room. He grunted and took a seat, ordering as much tea and food he could consume in an hour’s time, then once the hour finished, he ordered more. He began to feel quite cheerfully full and miserable until…
“Renwick.”
He recognized the voice. “Ah Belverd. You’re here. Why am I not surprised?”
Belverd lifted one single eyebrow and sat. “You’re not going to get foxed are you?”
“Going to get foxed?” Nicholas mocked. “I want to get so foxed that I forget my name.” He let out a long sigh and pointed to the tea .“But to answer your original question, no I’m not going to get foxed.”
And it was true. His intent and his actions didn’t match up. His body screamed for spirits, yet all he had was tea. Logically speaking he was already well on his way to forgetting more than his name. But it wasn’t the drink that was causing memory loss. It was loss of sleep.
“I can’t let you do this,” Belverd said, pulling the tea directly from Nicholas’s hands. Nicholas pushed his chair away in preparation for a fight, but Belverd hadn’t been wallowing as much as he had. He knew the odds were against him, especially considering he had no real desire to fight anyone lest he win. The goal in a fight would be to lose and get put out of his misery.
He sank back into his chair and felt the room begin to spin. “What do you want?” The words he was thinking and what he was saying were very different.
“I want you to get your sorry self back to London and apologize to your wife!” Belverd’s voice raised to a tone Nicholas hardly recognized. “Confound it all! She is your wife, you idiot!” Belverd was positively raging at this point. Nicholas knew better than to laugh or speak for that matter. “Do you know how the ton found out about her little secret?”
Nicholas shook his head. He didn’t care how they’d found out. She had kept it from him.
“They found out because the people who raised her went to the local newspaper and sold the story for a small fortune! Everyone had been wondering the same thing. Who is this beautiful creature who has been living all this time in the countryside? Lady Fenton could have denied it, but she didn’t want to deny young Sara’s birthright. To have your foster parents sell you out, well, it’s nothing short of sinful, Renwick.”
He had sat back down but obviously wasn’t done speaking to Nicholas’s continued annoyance. “And you don’t even know the worst of it!” Belverd shouted. Confound it! Nicholas thought, strike me down now where I sit, my head can’t take anymore screaming!
“The man you killed all those years ago—“
“—I said never to discuss it!” Nicholas shouted, but Belverd kept going.
“That very man is Sara’s father.”
Nicholas felt ill. It wasn’t possible, it couldn’t be possible, and obviously there was some sort of mistake.
“It’s not a mistake,” Belverd said as if reading Nicholas’s mind. “Believe me, I talked with Lady Fenton herself. There was an affair before you came along, before the duke married, that is. I will let Lady Fenton tell the rest of her story.” Belverd got up to leave, but Nicholas pulled him back into his seat.
“I’m not going back. There is nothing for me in London.” Nicholas wanted desperately to believe the words coming out of his own mouth, but they lacked conviction.
“I know.” Belverd shook his head. “There is nothing for you anywhere until you deal with your own demons, my friend. And there isn’t enough ale in the world to rid you of those. Good day.” He tipped his hat and strolled out of the inn, leaving a very sick, yet sober, Nicholas Renwick behind.
***
Sara felt ill for the past month, had it really been that long since Nicholas left? In her heart it felt like years. Every day she woke up hoping for his return hoping for a chance to speak with him, yet every day she was met with the same thing. Disappointment. She continued to walk across the grounds of Renwick’s house in London. Hopefully, the air would do her some good.
She was angry at him for not believing her or giving her a chance and for being such a coward that he couldn’t even face her. What kind of man left instead of fighting for his woman? Was she wrong? In her heart, she felt he loved her; he just lacked the courage to say it—but now, now she was beginning to think he felt nothing for her except for lust and passion. Exactly what he said he felt for her.
She was a fool. As if she didn’t already have enough on her mind she had missed her monthly, and was now six weeks out. In another four, she would have to tell Lady Fenton she was with child. Although possibly she could wait until her fourth month, but a woman really never knew. She still couldn’t find it in her heart to sign the annulment papers, even though Nicholas made his intentions perfectly clear.
He even put in a lump sum of money to give her for her to live comfortably on her own, without him. Had he no idea the feelings she had for him? She loved him, even though he was being a stubborn idiot of a man! He’d rejected her and said the most hurtful things, sending her into near hysterics, but what other choice did she have? She could sit and cry all day or she could learn from experience and move on with her life, it was then she decided she would spend some time in the country. Alone. She would take Davina with her and go to one of the many country estates Nicholas owned.
Later that afternoon, Lady Fenton paid a visit. They sat in comfortable silence until finally Lady Fenton said something. “I hear you’re going to the country?”
Sar
a nodded her head; she knew if she spoke, she would break down again. Only earlier that day, she had found out from Davina that her parents—the people who had raised her—had sold the story to the local newspaper for quite a lot of blunt. It made her ill. Had they been using her all along? It was likely; they’d always hated her, despised her beyond reason. Why wouldn’t they use her sudden marriage to an earl to gain wealth in this world?
“I’m sorry about your parents,” Lady Fenton said, breaking the silence yet again. “They were awful to raise you, unaware of your beauty, and they were even more awful when they sold you out to the newspaper. I will have you know, I would never deny you anything, my dear. I—“ Her lips began quivering, and she reached for her handkerchief. “I am so proud of the woman you have become. I only hope you’ll let me stay with you in the country for a while so we could get acquainted. I know I’m asking more than I should but—“
Sara rose from her chair and went to hug Lady Fenton. They cried for what seemed like hours, then when all the tears were dried up, Sara decided it was time to let her real mother in on a secret.
“I think I’m increasing.” She couldn’t look Lady Fenton in the eyes.
Lady Fenton grabbed her shoulders and hugged her tightly. “I’m to be a grandmother!” She looked positively elated, but quickly dampened her smile when she saw a single tear drop down Sara’s face.
“Oh dear, this is my fault, I thought he was ready—you were perfect for him; you still are! He’ll come around, you’ll see!” Lady Fenton continued to offer encouragement, but it fell on deaf ears. Sara knew the truth. Her marriage, however brief, was over.
When Lady Fenton left to make the proper arrangements, Sara slowly walked up the stairs into her chamber and signed the annulment papers. She left them on top of her luggage and fell into her bed sobbing.
Over, it was over.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Nicholas hadn’t slept in a month. Had it really been a month since he left Sara? It felt like ages. His time with Sara feeling like a wonderful dream compared to the nightmare of his current reality. The truth of her deceit and so-called love. Yet the lingering of Belverd’s and his conversation planted doubt in the back of his mind as to Sara’s side of the story.
While in residence at one of his homes in Scotland, he had quickly grown tired and bored of the business affairs he was tending to and itched to return home. He wasn’t sure what he would be going back to, and quite frankly, he was terrified out of his mind.
First off, he hadn’t even given Sara a chance to explain, and second, he had, in fact, killed her real father. He was already going to have trouble asking forgiveness for the first, but for the second? It still mattered that she deceived him, but after his recent research into her past, he had figured out why she would.
She was just as afraid of rejection as he was. In fact, she had more reason to be afraid than him. To think that he actually told her that he didn’t want her, and worse off that she believed him! How was he to know that she had been told for her entire life that she was ugly and different? No wonder she hated it when he told her she wasn’t normal. What he meant as a compliment she took as an insult. And to add insult to injury, he offered her a pity excuse. He said he felt sorry for her. Well her own foster parents fed her that line on a daily basis.
Not that he wouldn’t have known that unless he hadn’t have listened partially to Belverd. After a very long day in bed nursing a headache, he sent one of his men on his way to inquire about her family. The local vicar was only too eager to help. He despised her family and thought that her sisters were spoiled brats who lived in sin.
He inquired as a worried family member figuring the vicar shouldn’t know of his past. The vicar shared that the poor girl had been told she was ugly and stupid for as long as he could remember. People from the village didn’t want to interfere. They had assumed she was being punished for being wicked. Many still stared at her because of her beauty, but because of what she was told, she had thought it was pity as well as judgment.
She finally found the Lord and came to grips with her own spot in the world. The vicar was thrilled when Lady Fenton came and took the girl for a season in London. The parents were equally thrilled telling her that she was their only hope for a fortune.
Little did Lady Fenton or Sara know that the exact same day she left, the two sisters came back, the entire family beyond elated that Sara would find a good match; was she not the most beautiful girl they had seen? And when she did find a good match, they would benefit from it also. Had they not taken her under their roof? Clothed her and fed her?
After the vicar finished his story, Nicholas went straight away to the chamber pot and rid himself of all his earlier food. He had single-handedly destroyed what should have been the best marriage and relationship of his life, all because he was too worried about getting hurt, to worried for his own silly pride as if he had enough left after all his scandal. Who was he to judge her on her scandal? Yet when the tables turned and he was given the choice to offer her grace or at least an explanation, he ran. He left her alone without the support of her husband to help her.
He would burn in Hell.
He made arrangements to leave the next day but the rainy weather made it difficult. He finally made it out the day after and arrived in London two days later. Exactly six weeks after leaving Sara.
***
The fresh air was good for Sara. She had forgotten how great it felt to be out in the wide-open countryside. London seemed so cramped and busy compared to the Renwick country estate.
She took a walk, knowing it to be good for the baby but also needing time to think. Lady Fenton graciously swore to never leave her side, which honestly made Sara miss Nicholas that much more. Was he so stubborn and pigheaded that he would leave without so much as saying goodbye?
Would their last words really be that he never wanted her in the first place? How could she tell their future child that? How could she bring a child into the world when the very world Sara was living in was so unstable?
At least Nicholas had enough good sense to make sure all his staff at every house knew he was married. Otherwise she doubted they would have even been allowed entrance. As it was, Lady Fenton was busy explaining the situation to the entire staff while Sara was outside thinking. She didn’t want to see the pity on their faces when Lady Fenton told the tragic tale.
Sara wanted nothing more than to close her eyes and remember what it felt like to have Nicholas’s body so close to her own, protecting her and loving her as if she were the most precious thing in the world. She was all out of tears, so she merely sighed. He had been gone close to seven weeks; he wasn’t coming back.
***
Nicholas had to pace himself when the carriage arrived in front of his old home. He wanted nothing more than to storm the house and yell for Sara to meet with him immediately. He had some explaining and groveling to do, but then again, he hoped she would also explain to him her fears of telling him about her birth parents. If she really loved him, as he suspected she did, she would forgive him and want him as much as he wanted her. But when it came time to have that conversation, could he do it? Would he be able to risk it all?
He opened the front door and was surprised to see one of the nurses with Duncan waiting. “Oh, we were wondering when you would return,” she said cheerfully. “Master Duncan has been asking about his papa for quite some time.”
Add that to the list of things he felt guilty about. Leaving his only son for close to seven weeks because he was a coward and couldn’t face his own wife? He managed a smile and pat on the head before asking about Sara. Grabbing Duncan out of the nurse’s arms he waited for confirmation on Sara’s whereabouts.
“You don’t know?” The nurse asked.
He was tired of hearing people answering his questions like that. Obviously he didn’t know anything. That much was clear. He really would like to go at least a few weeks without someone saying life-altering things to him.
The nurse licked her lips and paused. Looking around at the waiting for servants before she explained to him where Sara was. “My lord, she left with Lady Fenton for the country. They’ve been gone a few days already.”
Nicholas felt something akin to panic rise in his chest. “The country? Where in the country?”
The nurse eyed him suspiciously. “Your country home sir. She is, after all, your wife, is she not?”
It didn’t take a genius to figure out the condescending tone in the nurse’s voice. “Thank you, that will be all,” he snapped, handing over his quiet son. Realizing it was the first time he had seen his son in weeks, he took him back. “Pack your things. We’re going to the country house.”
“We?” she gasped
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