by K. F. Breene
The pain was almost unbearable.
"If that's how you feel," I heard myself say with a calm voice. My head was dazed.
She nodded once and continued to look out the window.
We sat in silence until the boys came back a minute later, William looking happy and at ease until he saw me. I wasn't crying or showing any outward emotion, but he see through any facade I put on. His smile slipped, then was replaced by a similar, blank facade.
Dick looked at my mother and his brow furrowed momentarily, then he looked at me and smiled. "Jessica, it has been so good to see you! Wait..." He dug around in his pocket for his wallet, then removed a white business card. Handing it to me he said, "You don't talk to this house enough."
He grew serious, and I knew that he knew I would never be calling my mother again.
"Our phone number is on that, as well as my direct line and my email. You call me and give me life updates, you hear? I want life updates all the time. And I want to help with the wedding!"
He was being absolutely pushy about this, and I was grateful for it. He might not be my real dad, but he was trying to be something of a parent for my sake. Ted had always been my older brother in action, so maybe I did have a little family.
On one hand it made the sting of my mother's behavior sharper, but on the other hand it made me feel better that it wasn't just me.
Still, this sucked. I wanted to be gone.
I hugged him and told him I would. I said good-bye to my mother, and I left the house with William following me. On the way back to the hotel I was lost in myself. I vaguely remember telling William that my mother suffered postpartum depression with me and basically never recovered, but I was lost in the turmoil that comes with the knowledge that your parent didn't want you. It wasn't just that she was awful and we didn't get along. Or even that she was mad because my dad and I had a special bond. She just simply never wanted me. She had an affliction, and she never worked through it. Not for my sake or her own.
I was desperately glad William had proposed before this meeting, because it certainly would’ve given me a complex about no one wanting me if he hadn't already given me his life and asked for mine in return.
Thank God for William.
I think I said that out loud, because he looked at me with such tender devotion that tears immediately sprang to my eyes.
We didn't go to the hotel. Instead, we went to Jane's house. William must have gotten directions from somebody. I don't remember getting into the house, but suddenly I was surrounded by my closest friends as William gave a brief overview of what happened. I was passed from one friend to the next.
Lump hugged me and gave encouraging words. Adam was next. Then to Jane. Then to the emotionally cut-off Flem who surprisingly was crying with me. Then to Ami. Finally to William, who tucked me into his body and whispered he loved me and would do so forever, even past death.
I eventually came out of it. I eventually saw it for what it was, which was the same it had always been, and looked around me to see a group of people that loved me. That wanted me in their lives. That supported me.
It could have been worse. I could have been beaten growing up. Or molested. Or in an orphanage. As it was, I had a few emotional scars, but had my head about me and a will to better myself. The lesson I would take away would be to never do that to a child of mine.
The evening passed with wine and stupid jokes that were funny because life wasn't. It was a good ending to a shit afternoon.
The next day we decided it was time to take the boys to the beach. Unlike San Francisco, L.A. was sweltering. All the girls had bathing suits under our cute little sundresses. The boys had T-shirts, flip flops and swim trunks.
“I had to force him into flip flops!” Lump told us all in exasperation, staring at Adam with her hands on her hips. “He wanted to wear his cowboy boots to the beach!”
Adam shrugged, unable to hide a grin. “They’re comfortable.”
The trunks of the cars were packed with necessary beach going equipment. We had everything from umbrellas to sports equipment to those little spikes that go into the ground to hold your drink. One could say we were pros, but in reality, we made an art out of beach-going.
We got to the beach early enough to get parking. We picked a beach with decent waves since we knew the boys wouldn’t be laying out and needed to be distracted. As soon as our plot of real estate was set up for the day, we all stripped down to bathing suits with sun lotion at the ready.
Half way through the day the sun was high overhead and the heat intense. The girls worked on their bronze until we couldn’t take the heat. When he had to cool off, we jointed the boys in the water, who had been boogie boarding non-stop.
As I walked to the place where the ocean meets the sand, William was just rolling in, having fallen off his boogie board half way through riding the wave. He popped up with a smile, noticed me and waded over to give me a kiss.
“Hey love, having fun?” he asked, as if he was the one that took me here instead of the other way around.
“Yeah. It’s hot. Need to swim.”
“Wanna use the board?”
“Nah, I’ll body surf, thanks.”
“You’ll what?”
Adam was now rolling in. The boys didn’t seem very good at riding waves.
“Hey Jessie,” he said as he got up and waded over. “Havin’ fun?”
I rolled my eyes.
“She’s gonna body board,” William said to Adam.
“Body surf,” I corrected.
“Body surf? Cool, dude. Let’s give it a try, bro!” Adam ejaculated, attempting to affect a Californian accent.
We all headed out beyond the waves, Adam and William getting caught and tumbled a couple times before making it out. They didn’t have the art of diving under the wave quite down yet.
“Okay,” I said as we floated. I saw Lump and Flem heading out to us as well. “It is like boogie boarding, but without the board. You catch the wave the same, by swimming hard to get the same speed, then grab the crest.”
Blank looks.
Both boys apparently didn’t know how they had been catching waves up until that point. They seemed to think my explanation was a great idea.
Lump and Flem had made it out by this point and were floating near us.
“Okay,” I continued, “when you have the wave, you pick a direction, stick out one arm, keep the other back, and stay as straight as a board and ride it in.”
Blank looks turned confused.
I gave up. “Just... watch us”
Lump and Flem followed my lead and we all spread out. I saw a good sized wave coming and started swimming hard to catch it. Once in position I stretched out, assumed the position, and leaned into the wave. I was definitely rusty, but the wave was small so I was able to hold it and go skittering along it until I was dumped off at the end.
I looked back to see that Lump caught the next one, and Flem caught the one after. All the waves were big enough for sport, but small enough for safety with newbies.
William picked the next wave and failed spectacularly! He was a little too in front of the wave, didn’t have his body nearly straight enough and he was pulling a superman. That is, until the wave threw him before it, then crashed down on him.
He came to a rolling stop at our feet.
Laughing, Flem said, “Not how you do it, Little Willie.”
William was laughing, too. We turned to watch Adam next, which didn’t swim fast enough and the wave passed him by. He then dallied, like a fool, and was caught by the next wave. He was thrown and tossed, landing in a heap at our feet just like William.
Everyone laughing we headed back out. We told the boys to grab the boards since it was easier, but they weren’t to be outdone by girls. They kept at it, rolling in each wave until finally William caught one and rode it down to the end. It wasn’t perfect, but it worked!
He got up laughing and gave me a big hug.
“I did it!” he shou
ted with glee. “Jess, did you see me? I did it! I rode the wave!”
Before I could say a word, he was yelling to Adam that he did it and was heading out beyond the waves again. Laughing, I turned back toward my seat and a beer.
At the end of the day we were all dead tired. The sun, the beer, riding waves and volleyball made for a very long day. We were supposed to go out but none of us wanted to bother. Instead, we decided to all meet at Jane’s and watch a movie.
Adam, Lump, William and I went back to the hotel to change. Lump and I opted for sun dresses, William shorts and a shirt, and Adam wore jeans, his cowboy boots and a T-shirt. He was hard pressed to be without his cowboy boots for too long. Lump had given up trying to acclimate him.
We were all walking out to the rental car when some guy passing on the street yelled out, “Hey Tex, where’d you park your horse?”
Without skipping a beat, Adam returned with, “Same place you left your boyfriend!”
On our way to Jane’s house my phone started ringing. We were all in a heated debate about Lump’s company and the best ways for it to expand so I answered without looking at who was calling.
“Hello?”
“Jessica?” It was Lady on the other end.
“Lady! Hi! I have been trying to get a hold of you guys. I have some news!”
“Jessica, it’s Gladis.”
A bucket of cold water upended over my face.
“What about Gladis?” I asked guardedly.
“She doesn’t have much longer. You should probably come home, now.”
The world came to a standstill. I could feel sweat sliding down my back.
“What do you mean? I talked to her before we left. She would have called before now if something was wrong. Lady, you are mistaken, she is fine. She has to be!”
I knew I screeched the last part by how quiet the car got.
“I’m sorry, Jessica. She forbade me calling you and ruining your perfect holiday. It’s just, she took a turn for the worst and…” Lady’s voice cracked.
Lady never had moments of emotion. Not ever. She was always calm. Angry, maybe, but always calm under it.
“I’ll get a flight as soon as I can,” I said into the quiet car.
We were stopped outside of Jane’s house. No one moved to get out.
I met Lump’s worried gaze. “That was Lady. Apparently something happened… she said Gladis doesn’t have much longer. I have to go home.”
Lump closed her eyes and hung her head. She nodded in silence.
“Let’s get into Jane’s house and we’ll call the airline and see what’s available,” William said rationally. My hysteria always brought the calm out of him.
“You guys don’t have to go,” I uttered, wiping tears from my eyes. “You should stay and enjoy your vacation.”
“I love Gladis, too, Jess,” Lump said heatedly. “I look after her, too. She is just as much my family as yours!”
“We are all going. Adam and I have known Gladis most of our lives. You two have a special connection with her. We can always come back to L.A. Let’s just get in the house and we’ll go from there,” William urged.
My body was numb. Lump held my hand as the boys explained to everybody what was going on. William got us booked on an early morning flight and we spent the rest of the night in a vigil.
Chapter Fourteen
It was a humid day in Texas when we got off the plane. William had arranged for his assistant to take our luggage back to our homes so we could go straight to the hospital. As we walked into the building, I had my usual panic attack with the smells and memories, now even more frightened with why I was there. William and Lump smashed me between them as we made our way to Gladis’s room.
When we got there I was in a fog, my brain refusing to accept what was happening and trying to shut down.
Gladis had a large room with a large crowd. We met Denise and Tom outside along with some people I remembered seeing at Gladis’s party. I vaguely heard questions being asked of me as I kept trying to get a look through the door. Finally Lady saw me and pushed through to reach me.
“Hurry!” she said, eying Lump and me. “She wants to see both of you and your boys. Hurry. She is lucid, but the nurse said she hasn’t long.”
Lady grabbed my hand and dragged me through the room. I grabbed Lump and dragged her behind me. She grabbed Adam, and William followed behind, avoiding Adam’s reach.
There were four people in the room, one I recognized as Gladis’s step-kid, Lady, the butler, and a nurse who was standing beside Gladis’s bed looking at monitors.
I was trying not to cry and not even remotely succeeding.
Gladis was propped up on her pillows. She looked so small and fragile in the big bed. Her skin had that sickly pallor that meant she was at the end. Her eyes were somewhat dulled, but still bright enough to hint at her love of life.
She met my eyes and smiled, then looked over Lump, then Adam, then rested on William.
“Willie, join your bride,” she said.
William, his eyes slightly glassy, came to stand beside and a little behind me, putting his arm around my waist. I leaned back against him, needing the support from his warmth and love.
“Let’s see the ring, Jess. I went with him to buy it, you know.”
I held out my hand for her, tears streaming down my face.
“Yes, it fits you perfectly. You have great taste, my dear. Great taste. And Willie has great taste to have chosen you. He’ll keep you safe. He’ll watch out for you. I told him that when I passed, he was to watch out for you better than I would. He would have anyway, of course.
“I wish I could have seen you marry. I have always had a fondness for him. He always had such tremendous pressure put on him, but he turned out such a good boy despite it. He found a good woman that will look after him.”
William hugged me tighter, needing my strength and warmth as much as I needed his.
Gladis then looked at Lump and Adam. “I wish I could have known you longer, Betsy. I enjoyed the time we had. I enjoyed watching you face your fears and grow up into a beautiful woman before my eyes. You look happy now. Fulfilled. I am glad I could have seen that.
“And Adam, such a troubled young man. Always with the doubts and depth that no woman could reach. You found one, though. You finally found a woman that can quiet you on the inside. Guard her well, she is not as strong as she lets on. Marry her, Adam. You won’t find any better, and neither will she.”
Gladis closed her eyes and sighed, struggling for breath.
“I am tired,” she said. “Seeing so many people is tiring. One last thing.” She looked at William. “Your name will be next to hers. I have already made the correction. You must help her and guide her. She will be a fish out of water and will surely flounder. Help her, Willie. My trust is in you, now.”
Gladis closed her eyes again, struggling for breath. “I must take a short rest. Lady, have them sign the book, please.”
Lady pushed us toward a book similar to one you might sign at a wedding, or funeral. We put our names, each leaning to another for support. When we were all finished, the nurse said, “She has passed.”
I remember yelling something, not quite sure what, and then being wrapped up in William’s large body. I remember struggling and crying, wanting to get to Gladis, not believing the nurse. I was taken outside the room then scooped up in William’s arms and taken from the hospital.
Days passed in misery. Gladis had become dear to me. She had helped me fit into adulthood. She helped me secure William, who was now my life line. She had helped me deal with trials and succeed in life, finally. She was a mentor as well as a dear friend. I didn’t know her for long in the grand scheme of life, but she had known me better than my own mother. She wasn’t a stand-in, but a figure all her own that fit in a special niche in my life. That niche was now empty and I felt empty at its loss.
The Davies planned the funeral, asking me things that Gladis would have liked or wanted t
o see. It turned out that I knew her best in her Golden Years, and I never had to guess the answers to any of the questions. We planned a big service and a grand party at her house after. The kids were welcomed to a pool party with a staff of sitters so the adults could arrive in style and luxury.
During all the planning William was always close. Sometimes he was lending support, sometimes he needed it. It was a milestone from his childhood, and a big piece of him was hollow as well. We made love often, always slow and gentle, needing to feel each other in order to close out the harshness of reality.
The day of the funeral arrived. I put on my most fabulous black dress. It was conservative enough for church, but stylish enough for a party in Gladis’s honor. Gladis would have liked to go out with a bang, and I saw to it that everyone remembered that about her.
We arrived to the church in a limo with the Davies, Adam and Lump. The place, a larger church by normal standards, was already packed. All of the top society was there to morn a pillar of their community. If they didn’t know Gladis personally, they knew of her through donations, or fund raisers, or a million other ways Gladis helped those around her and those in need. It warmed my heart that such a spectacular lady was so well loved. It was fitting.
The Davies had a reserved pew in the front of the church, but not in the family seating area, which was the first pew. On my way up to sit with them, an aged, portly man with gray hair and glasses hurried up to me. William stiffened at my side. His face relaxed at my curious look, but I could tell something was bothering him.
Before I could ask, the man saw me and stopped.
“Good,” he said, out of breath, “You are Jessica Brodie, are you not?”
“Yes.”
“Hi, I am Dean Whitaker. I am the executor of Gladis’s estate. I am to usher you and William Davies to the family seating area. Please follow me.”
“But, I'm not family,” I said in confusion.
“Yes, dear. But you are to take the place in her daughter’s absence. Gladis wanted a representative of her choice for family instead of… well, if you will please follow me.”
