Jack: I really can’t explain it because to this day I don’t understand it.
Despite their initial vague answers, when probed with follow-up questions students eventually explained how hooking up happens. The first step is identifying a hookup partner. The person one hooks up with may or may not be someone known prior to the night of the first hookup. In some cases, the two parties were friends first. In others, they were acquaintances and had “seen each other around” or taken a class together. Under these circumstances the man and woman may have spent some time flirting or showing sexual interest prior to the night of the hookup. In still other cases, the hookup was what many students referred to as “random” (i.e., there was no connection to the other person before the night of the first hookup). However, in cases where the two parties were total strangers, there was often a friend or acquaintance T H E H O O K U P
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who was able to provide an introduction.12 Lisa, a sophomore at State University, was one of the many students who agreed that hooking up could happen under any of the above circumstances and no one scenario loomed larger than the others.
KB: Would you say, typically with hooking up, that the people usually know each other or would you say that hooking up usually is someone you just met at a party?
Lisa: Umm, I guess it could go either way really. But, that’s hard.
I guess it would probably usually be someone they know. I mean, it does happen with someone you just met, but I think usually . . . it would be someone you’re friends with or you met a few times in your class, you know what I mean, someone who you . . .
KB: Have some idea who they are?
Lisa: Yeah, yeah.
KB: Do students generally hook up with the same person repeatedly or would it be more one and done, once you’ve hooked up with someone that’s it?
Lisa: I think it just depends on who the person is.
KB: Well, among your friends, which is more likely?
Lisa: Sometimes people have a crush on a guy so they’ll just keep doing whatever [sexually] with that guy, but you know they won’t ever end up with anything [relationship-wise]. The girl who just wants to randomly have sex, she just hooks up with whoever, whenever she feels like it [laughs]. But, it’s not necessarily all one and done situations, you know what I mean? If they have feelings for that person or some sort of something, it will happen again. I guess if they hook up and then they’re like: “Uh, I don’t really like him at all,” then that will be it [they won’t hook up again].
Regardless of how the two parties know each other, there has to be some way to get from having never been sexual with someone to becoming sexually intimate. Two issues must be considered here. One is: How does someone select a potential hookup partner? The other is: Once a potential partner is identified, what needs to occur to facilitate the first sexually intimate encounter? With regard to the first issue, attraction is the central issue. Students across the board seemed to favor 32
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the idea that initial attraction is the trigger to a potential hookup that evening.13
On the college campus, a number of qualities make someone attractive to potential hookup partners. First are one’s looks. A striking physical appearance seemed to be the most valued quality a woman could possess. Jack, a sophomore at Faith University, discussed how physical appearance affects how women interact with men in potential hookup situations.
Jack: It all depends on who the girl is. Those girls that think they’re so much better looking than everyone else, they’re going to wait for the guy to come up to them, they’re not going out of their way. I don’t know, I guess they see it as a disgrace to themselves. And girls who know that they’re good looking, but also know what they want, . . . they’re going to go up and talk to you and they’re going to be the ones who are worthwhile to talk to.
KB: So, looks are a big factor for girls in who has status and who doesn’t and it affects how they interact it seems?
Jack: Well, talking amongst my friends, we decided that girls travel in three’s: there’s the hot one, there’s the fat one, and there’s the one that’s just there. It’s always true, without fail.
College women, such as Lee, a freshman at Faith University, also recognized the importance of men’s physical appearance in choosing potential hookup partners.
Lee: Looks have a lot to do with it in the whole hooking up thing.
You see someone that is really good looking, you are going to hook up with [him] regardless of if [he has] anything nice to say, especially if you are drinking. I think that is the primary concern, even if [he is] an asshole . . . if [he is] good looking, a girl will still hook up with [him].
Another valued quality among men, at both campuses, was fraternity or athletic team membership. At State University, fraternity membership was a particularly valued attribute for males. Kyle, a senior at State, suggests that fraternity men have more opportunities for sexual T H E H O O K U P
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encounters with women: “I think a lot of guys are sex driven and it just manifests itself more prominently in fraternity men because of their stature on campus.” The idea of fraternity men being the “big men on campus” has a long history in the United States, dating as far back as the 1920s.14 More recently, sociologists Patricia Yancey Martin and Robert Hummer examined the fraternity selection process at a large state university in the 1980s. They found that the pledging process ensured that the most “macho” men would become brothers. Men who were less athletic, less likely to drink alcohol, and less inclined to have a conquest mentality toward sex, were more likely to drop out during the pledging process (or perhaps never attempt to pledge in the first place).15
For women, neither sorority membership nor athletic team participation seemed important. Thus, for women, physical appearance plays a more central role in attracting the opposite sex than it does for men.
Similarly, anthropologists Dorothy Holland and Margaret Eisenhart found, in their study of two southern universities in the early 1980s, that a woman’s status on campus was determined almost exclusively by her perceived level of physical attractiveness among men. Men’s status, on the other hand, derived from many different sources (e.g., fraternity membership, athletic status, academic major, intellectual ability).
Therefore, college men were valued for many attributes, while women had to rely solely on their looks.
Once a desirable partner is identified, it is necessary to find out if the feeling is mutual. Ascertaining whether someone is interested in a sexual encounter is an important aspect of the hookup script. Students indicated that this is done indirectly, without actually asking whether the other person is interested in becoming sexually intimate. Rather, nonverbal cues indicate potential sexual interest.16 In this regard, students said that eye contact was important, as was any form of paying particular attention to the person of interest. Special attention could be paid through having a one-on-one conversation with someone for a significant period of time or “hanging out” with a particular person for a considerable portion of the evening. On the other hand, lack of eye contact, looking around the room while someone was talking, or moving on to mingle with others were deemed obvious indicators of lack of interest in hooking up. Kevin, a senior at Faith University, believed he had a particular talent for assessing whether a girl was interested in hooking up.
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Kevin: Like I always say, I know in the first 30 seconds whether or not I’m going to hook up with a girl. The first time I talk to
[her].
KB: You know?
Kevin: I know.
KB: How do you know?
Kevin: I know just because I can sense it, the vibe, just them. The way they are, the way they talk, the way they engage in the conversation, are they into me or are they not into me? I can pick it up in 30 seconds. I can look at my friends and say:
“Guys, this is no good” and we can move on to other gir
ls.
KB: You can tell [if a girl is interested] even for them?
Kevin: Yeah. I can say: “Tommy, this girl wants you. You stay, I am moving on.” You know what I mean, I can tell in 30 seconds
. . . pick up on the vibe of them. Are they eager to hang out?
If they want to hang out . . . you are going to have a good time tonight, you are going to party with them and maybe you’re going to hook up. But if they are hesitant and they are on guard about you then forget it, move on.
KB: Define “on guard.” What are they doing that lets you know that they don’t like you?
Kevin: Umm. Not making eye contact. They’re kind of still looking around while you are talking to them—they are not interested. They are absolutely positively not interested. They are
. . . not asking you questions back if you are asking questions
. . . 30 seconds you can tell.
Although not all students claimed Kevin’s talent for quickly recognizing whether a hookup was possible, both men and women indicated that the stages leading to hooking up involved a series of nonverbal cues.
The majority of students agreed with Kevin that eye contact and a certain
“vibe” are key components of discerning interest in hooking up. Students also mentioned overall body language, “joking around,” and “flirting” with someone in order to indicate interest in a potential hookup.17
Where to Go
Once it is determined that the right vibe is there, the two parties have to figure out where to hook up. Again, they must figure this out T H E H O O K U P
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without actually verbalizing that they are planning to hook up. One of the factors that seemed to determine the location of the hookup was how much sexual interaction was going to take place. Many students, like Emily, a sophomore at Faith University, indicated that when they hooked up, they were “just kissing” or “making out” with someone. In some cases, they felt no need for this to take place in private, so they were willing to hook up right at the social event, whether it was a campus party or bar.
KB: If you hook up with someone, what happens next? I mean do you sleep over with them that night or how does it work?
Emily: I don’t usually ever [sleep over].
KB: Where does it [the hookup] happen?
Emily: I would say at parties most often or maybe back at your dorm . . . later on if you’re hanging out with them.
Since there is a taboo against getting more physical than kissing in front of other people, those interested in a greater degree of sexual intimacy would find a private room to hook up or would return to the dorm room or apartment of one of the partners. This does not mean that everyone who goes home with someone intends to do more than kiss, some students valued privacy for any level of sexual intimacy.
A second factor determining the location of a hookup was whether one of the students had a preference for sleeping overnight or not. Some students said they like to leave the hookup partner that night, thereby avoiding the awkwardness of waking up the next day next to someone.
Some students I interviewed also mentioned wanting to avoid the
“walk of shame,” or walking home the day after a hookup in the same clothes they wore the night before. Style of dress varies significantly between the daytime and nighttime, so that it is obvious to onlookers if someone is still in their nighttime wear. Interestingly, women seemed more concerned with the walk of shame than their male counterparts.
In addition to these considerations, some students indicated that they preferred not to sleep over with their hookup partner because they had trouble actually sleeping with someone in the same bed; so it was deemed better to part that night. Max, a sophomore at State University, referred to these problems associated with spending the night with a woman.
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Max: Hopefully they didn’t sleep over.
KB: Oh, they don’t stay over?
Max: If I have any say, I hope not.
KB: So you hook up and you walk them home?
Max: Yeah, for me, yeah, hopefully.
KB: And why do you say that?
Max: I’m like a “scoocher,” I like totally want to sleep well, like, I want to scooch all around my bed.
KB: So, you find it physically uncomfortable for them to stay over?
Max: Right. On top of the fact, then it’s the whole, maybe it’s a cop out, but I think it’s easier when you’re both kind of tipsy or whatever then the next morning to wake up and be like now we’re both hung-over and you know like [groans] and then you have that awkward conversation, you know what I mean?
KB: Right.
Max: So, I totally would want to avoid that and not have to go through that.
For those who do choose to spend the night after hooking up, there did not seem to be any convention with regard to whether the location was the man’s or woman’s dorm room or apartment. Students indicated that they made that choice based on situational factors. For instance, who lived closer to where the two met? Who had a better setup for someone staying over (e.g., his or her own bedroom)? In some cases, female students took into account where they would feel safe. Some men indicated that they were aware of this and therefore were willing to give up
“home field advantage” in order to make the woman feel safer. Although decisions are made about where the hookup will take place, this can be accomplished without outright acknowledging that the plan is to hook up. Jack, a sophomore student at Faith University, illustrates how the two parties can figure out where the hookup will take place without verbalizing their full intentions: “You can just be having a conversation and suddenly she’ll be like: ‘I really haven’t been to your house at all this year.’ And then [she] comes back with you [to hook up].” How Far to Go
Once the partners begin to engage in a hookup encounter, each person must decide how far to take things sexually. Obviously, an individual’s T H E H O O K U P
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own moral beliefs and sense of self factor into how one conducts one’s sex life.18 But these are not the only factors guiding what takes place during a hookup. Perception of what peers do sexually also affects the level of sexual interaction. What students believe is normal within the context of the hookup culture seems to greatly affect how they conduct their own sexual behavior.
Identifying the sexual norms is somewhat difficult given that hooking up encompasses such a wide range of sexual behavior. “Just kissing” may be the norm for a particular person or a particular group of friends on campus, while sexual intercourse is the norm for others. Despite this variation, there is one norm, specific to the hookup culture, which dictates how much sexual interaction is likely to happen. Some college students in my sample indicated that they would go farther sexually with someone during a hookup if they did not really like the person or did not think that there was any chance for a relationship with that person. On the face of it, this seems illogical. Why would students be more sexual with someone they did not really like or did not envision as a potential partner? Many college students realized that getting too sexual with a hookup partner early on is not a good way to begin a relationship. Students indicated that you should “take it slow” with someone you really liked and “get to know each other” for a while. Too much sexual interaction in the early stages of meeting someone was seen as ruining any chance you might otherwise have to pursue a relationship with that person. According to Max, a sophomore at State University: Max: If I see a girl and I think we’re just going to hook up, then it’s probably like we can do whatever [sexually] and it’s not a big deal and . . . I won’t see her as dirty, but if it’s a girl that I potentially want to have a relationship with and she does do all of that in the beginning, then I would kind of perceive her as dirty.
KB: If “she does do all of that,” [meaning] sex, or even less than that?
Max: Well, even less than that. [Emphasis by interviewee]
As Max sugge
sts, it is acceptable to do “whatever” with someone sexually who is “just a hookup.” Although Max says he would not perceive a girl as “dirty” in that situation, the point seems to be that he does not care. If it is just a one-night stand, it does not seem to matter.
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Some college women seem to have realized that men think less of them if they are too sexual during an initial hookup or in the early stages of a series of hookup encounters with the same person. Thus, women will sometimes alter how much they are willing to do sexually to fit the situation. If she likes a man and wants him to like her back, she is less likely to be very sexual with him. The concept of being less sexual with someone if you actually like him (or wanted him to like you) was echoed by several of the women. Marie, a senior at State University said:
Marie: [If] I know I kind of like this person, [then] maybe [I won’t do] anything [sexually] because I want this person to respect me and maybe not just look at it as a hook up. Because I feel like when you sleep with somebody, then they tend to look at you as just a hookup.
KB: If you like someone, you would be less sexual with [him]?
Marie: Hmm-hmm, yeah.
Jen, a junior at State University, echoed Marie’s opinion.
The more that I like somebody the more I don’t want to have sex with them. . . . And I can kind of tell when someone tries to have sex with
[me] right off the bat or that night I just feel like it’s not really showing respect. I feel like when you really like somebody they’re not going to try [to have sex immediately] because they have respect for you. [Emphasis added]
Violet, a junior at State University, said she would recommend not hooking up with someone at all if you have genuine feelings for him.
Violet: I think you learn that if you hook up with somebody it is probably just a hookup and nothing is going to come of it.
And if you have any invested feelings in someone, I wouldn’t hook up with him at a party drunk. But if you are a freshman you go into it thinking: “I am going to have a good time, drink and talk to the person I want and when I am drunk I can really say what I want to say.” . . . And I think that when you get further in schooll. . . you learn that things aren’t always the way that you would think that they’d be.
Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus Page 5
