KB: And why would you not want to talk to them again?
Kevin: If all I wanted was a hookup.
KB: But you didn’t like the person?
Kevin: It’s not that I didn’t like them; I did not want to lead them on.
I didn’t want them to think that there might be something more [when] there’s not.
For some men, hinting that they did not want a relationship did not work, so they had to verbalize it. This was the case with Brian, a sophomore at Faith University.
KB: Of all the girls you’ve met at [Faith University], whom have you liked the most?
Brian: I don’t know, I really don’t know. I thought I liked . . .a chick last semester and then she just went crazy on me. Like she wanted the relationship, she wanted everything and I was just kind of like: “Oh I can’t handle this right now.” So I kind of backed out. . . . But, I mean, hooking up . . . can sometimes make things awkward.
KB: The girl last semester that you said went a little bit crazy, what happened? What did she do?
Brian: She started asking me out and I was like: “Uhhh, I’m not, I’m not [interested].”
KB: To be your boyfriend or asking you out on dates?
Brian: Yeah, to be her boyfriend. She’s like: “Are you my boyfriend?” and I was like: “No.” And she was like: “All right, well we’re not hooking up unless you are my boyfriend.” I was like: “All right.” And that was the end of that. [Laughs]
Through experience, women learned that they could not expect a hookup encounter to turn into a relationship. Many of the women found that men’s desire to avoid relationships often forced hookup partners to remain just that. Two women explained their disappoint-ment in this way:
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KB: And, it seems like [casual hookups] were a problem for you
. . . because you seem like you wouldn’t be interested in that in the future?
Susan: Yeah, it was a problem. [The guy I was hooking up with] . . .
he would sleep in my bed and everything and we wouldn’t do anything [sexual], like he wouldn’t even kiss me. . . . But then, um, we hung out more and we started kissing and everything and then he never talked about . . . having it be a relationship. But I wanted . . . in my mind [I was thinking]
like: “I want to be his girlfriend. I want to be his girlfriend.”
. . . I was like looking for a boyfriend, looking for that connection, looking for that dependency that I had [in a previous high school relationship]. And I found it [with] him, but he wasn’t [interested in a relationship] . . . I didn’t want to bring it up and just [say] like: “So where do we stand?” because I know guys don’t like that question. So, it eventually led to sex and we only had sex once and then he continued to still want to talk and hang out with me but he never really brought up the “where do we stand” thing. That kind of pushed me away because I just didn’t want to just be casually having sex with him and it not meaning something to him. So that stopped there. [Freshman, Faith University]
KB: If people are [hooking up], is it usually with the same person repeatedly or is it more of random kind of one time thing?
Diane: Um, [for] some people it’s random. [For] some people I know it’s from a week to week basis, [they] hook up or get with somebody they don’t know. Not that they don’t know them, but they’re not like in a relationship with them. Some people will consistently hook up with the same person but then something will happen and . . . they’ll stop but then they’lll. . . find like another person and like consistently be with them [for hooking up].
KB: What typically happens to have one thing stop and another thing start? What kind of stops things?
Diane: Usually the girl gets . . . girls are crazy you know [if they found out the guy they were hooking up with] was [also]
talking to somebody else. She’ll be like: “Wait, are you talking to them?” . . . girls are like very predictable . . . if they’re M E N , WO M E N , A N D T H E S E X UA ll D O U B ll E S TA N DA R D
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hooking up with someone for a while, they’re going to want a relationship. They’re going to want like some type of like title, not title but like . . .
KB: Commitment or something?
Diane: Right. Exactly, commitment. And usually guys don’t want it.
KB: Why don’t they want it?
Diane: Because they don’t. They’re in college, they don’t want a girlfriend. They basically just want to get ass.
KB: So girls are looking more for relationships? Guys are looking more for a sexual relationship?
Diane: Yeah. [Sophomore, Faith University]
Perhaps the concept of “hidden power” can help explain why Susan did not even want to ask her hookup partner if he would consider being in an exclusive relationship with her. Social scientist Aafke Komter, who studied the power dynamic between married couples, found that many hidden power struggles go on beneath the surface of purported equal relationships. In some cases, wives would not even bring up issues that were bothering them in the relationship for fear of
“rocking the boat” and consequently jeopardizing the relationship. In Komter’s analysis, the fact that women were afraid to even raise an issue that a man might “not like” shows that men have greater power in relationships. Similarly, in my study, although women were more likely to initiate “the talk” about the status of a relationship, in some cases they did not bring up the issue at all in anticipation of a negative reaction.7
WHY WOMEN SEEK RELATIONSHIPS
Students were not always cognizant of why women sought relationships more than men. Some cited psychological reasons, such as women are “more emotional” or women “need that kind of connection.” Some women talked about wanting a relationship due to their affection for a particular man. However, there are likely reasons beyond psychology and personal biography. One possible reason why some women seek relationships during college is that they are interested in marrying a few years after graduation. The women I spoke with often wanted to be married by age 25, and the latest they were willing to consider getting 102
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married was 29. Men, on the other hand, seemed willing to wait longer to get married. Many men suggested they would not get married until their late twenties (at the earliest) or possibly even well into their thirties. Thus, men’s and women’s timetables for getting married are at odds. This puts their timetables for finding potential marriage partners at odds, too, which in turn puts their timetables for having serious relationships at odds. For this reason, several women indicated that they would like to have a relationship with marriage potential.8
KB: Do you or [your] friends . . . think about marriage at all?
Gloria: Yeah. We always talk about that. It’s so weird, we are going to have to . . . not soon, I would like to be with who I’m going to marry for a good three years before [we get married] . . .
someone I’m going to marry I’d want to be with for a long time. So I would like to meet him soon so I don’t have kids when I’m like 30 or 35.
KB: So you [possibly] would want to meet someone in college . . .
that you might end up with [permanently]?
Gloria: Yeah. I would say junior year I would like to have a boyfriend and hopefully potential marriage [partner], but I don’t know. [Freshman, State University]
However, a couple of women in their junior and senior years mentioned no longer being naive regarding finding a future spouse during their college years.
KB: Would any of the people that you have liked or been interested in, have you ever thought: “I wonder if this is someone I could marry?” Have you ever thought about it that way?
Marie: I think about it all the time. Like anyone I have ever been serious with I’m always like: “I wonder if we could ever get married.” . . . [But] I’m not that naive anymore. I know
relationships come and go and you never know what is going to happen. I mean it would be nice, like my ex-boyfriend from over the summer, I really liked him a lot and I really wanted the kind of relationship my roommates have, even if it was a year or two, just something, like some stability, like you know, a possible marriage [partner], someone that you were M E N , WO M E N , A N D T H E S E X UA ll D O U B ll E S TA N DA R D
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close to and I definitely could see him as that. [Senior, State University]
Another possible reason that women are more desirous of relationships than men is that women need relationships in order to protect their reputation. Over 30 years since the sexual revolution, there is still a double standard for male versus female sexual behavior on the college campus.
In the hookup culture, men are free to choose whether to have a very active sex life or to “settle down” and maintain an exclusive relationship.
Women, on the other hand, have considerably less freedom.
KB: How do people get a bad reputation, assuming there’s such a thing as getting a bad reputation?
Max: Well it’s kind of bad because if you’re a girl and you hook up with a lot of guys, then that’s looked down upon.
KB: Okay. Looked down upon by everybody or looked down upon by guys?
Max: By both genders, yeah. But, if you’re a guy and you hook up with a lot of people, like from your peers, like your guy peers, they’re going to be like: “Oh you’re the man!” [Sophomore, State University]
KB: What does someone do that they might end up with a bad reputation?
Joseph: If you’re a girll. . . I mean obvious things: sleeping around.
It’s that whole double standard rule that society brings down on everyone. [Senior, Faith University]
The sexual double standard leads to an environment where women need relationships in order to protect their reputations. For women who are active participants, the hookup system is fraught with pitfalls that can lead to being labeled a “slut.” Rule number one for women is: Do not act like men in the sexual arena.
KB: You mentioned the term “slut” a minute ago. How do people get that kind of label?
Kyle: Just being dirty . . . being more like a guy when you are not supposed to be. [Senior, State University]
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Larry: The perception is that if a girl sleeps with a lot of guys she’s a slut. If the guy sleeps with a lot of girls he’s a stud . . . I mean, I see it every day. I mean, like I said, I bartend [and] I do go out to bars when I go out.
KB: So when you say it’s a perception [is it] a true perception?
Larry: A complete true perception. It happens every day and you can ask anyone on campus randomly, and they would say that would be the perception. A girl sleeps with a lot of guys she’s a slut. A guy sleeps with a lot of girls he’s a stud. [Senior, Faith University]
Prior to the sexual revolution era, women were expected to have sex, particularly intercourse, only with their husbands.9 Since then, sex prior to marriage has become the norm for both men and women.10 On the campuses I studied, most students assumed sex would be part of a committed, exclusive relationship; yet, students were also aware that sex (including intercourse) was often part of the hookup script. Students evaluated their peers, particularly their female peers, based on the context in which sex occurs.11 In the hookup culture, men and women are permitted to (and do) engage in sexual encounters that are, by definition, outside of the context of a committed relationship. However, there are prejudices against women who are seen as being too active in the hookup scene.
THE RULES FOR HOOKING UP
There are very few restrictions on sexual behavior for college men.
Both male and female interviewees said college men were free to hook up as often as they had the opportunity to do so. For men, there is no stigma for engaging in “heavy” sexual activity. In fact, men are congratulated by their male peers for sexual conquests. Stigmatization occurs only for men who cannot “get any” (i.e., they are virgins or have difficulty getting women to hook up with them). However, such men were believed to be few and far between. The idea that men are free to engage in hooking up, including sexual intercourse, with a variety of women without risking their reputation was a point raised by many.
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KB: Are guys ever considered to be too loose sexually, or a pig?
Emily: Oh, I don’t think so. If you hear a guy who had sex with all these people, you’re like “Hmm,” but I think it’s still much more for girls. [Emphasis by interviewee] [Sophomore, Faith University]
Gloria: Guys . . . don’t get reps for hooking up with girls or having sex with girls. [Freshman, State University]
Kyle: [Guys] can [get a reputation for what they do sexually] but it’s more, with my friends, it’s more like a joke. [Senior, State University]
According to Ed, a senior at State University, men were aware that they were free to do as they please when it comes to hooking up.
KB: So, is there any kind of standards among the people you know of what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable to do as far as hooking up and sexual behavior?
Ed: All the guys I know have no “don’ts.” Some students mentioned that a man who was very active in the hookup culture would be known as a “player.”12 Although this term was considered derogatory by some students, others indicated that the term “player” also had somewhat of a positive connotation. An alternate description of a promiscuous man is “man-whore” or “male-slut.” However, most students indicated that these terms are used as more of a joke than as a derogatory label per se.13
For college men, there are virtually no rules, but for college women it is a very different story. In fact, there is a host of norms for the hookup script that, if violated, lead women to get bad reputations.14 Many of the men I interviewed mentioned that women would get a bad reputation if they hooked up too often with too many different partners.
KB: For people that aren’t in relationships, do you think that guys or girls have more partners as far as hooking up or sex?
Robert:I think guys have more partners overall because they can do it more discreetly. A girl does it and a guy knows about it, the girl has a nickname or has this connotation about her. All the 106
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guys know who “puts out” [sexually] and who doesn’t.
Guys know that and want to steer away from girls that do it all the time. Whereas guys try to go for the trophy ones that hook up with people seldomly or with a select few.
KB: So a trophy girl is someone who doesn’t hook up as much?
Robert:Correct.
KB: So that would be someone sought after because it is more of a challenge?
Robert:Yeah. As opposed to someone who sleeps with a lot of people. That is gross, everyone has been there, done that.
KB: If girls are treated negatively if they hook up with or sleep with a lot of people, why do you think they do that?
Robert:I think it goes back to the need factor. They want to be needed or loved and it’s a quick fix or immediate gratification for them, the desire to be wanted or needed or [to] feel pretty. [Sophomore, Faith University]
Despite men insisting that women should not hook up “too often” or with “too many partners,” they were unable to offer a convincing opera-tional definition of these terms. In other words, men had a sense that it was not acceptable for women to “get around,” but they did not seem to know what “getting around” would really entail. When I pressed them to explain what “too often” or “too many partners” meant, they always resorted to giving a somewhat preposterous definition. Larry, a senior at Faith University, seems to have trouble identifying what qualifies as “a lot of guys.”
KB: You [said] “If a girl
sleeps with a lot of guys she’s a slut.” How many would be a lot, in your opinion?
Larry: Umm. In a short amount of time, it would be like twelve guys. If she was just randomly doing that and had like no . . .
but just did it and was like: “Okay next.” You know, something like that.
KB: Okay.
Larry: And would do it like that, sleep with five guys in a week.
One every night, that would be like a slut.
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sleep with “five guys in a week” or “twelve guys” in a short period of time. Even among the most sexually active college women, such behavior would be considered exceptional. None of the quantitative data on the sexual behavior of American women indicates that young women engage in this level of sexual activity with multiple partners.15
Yet, many of the men I interviewed gave answers similar to Larry’s about what women do in order to get labeled “sluts.” This raises the question: Why do men consistently give such extreme examples when asked to explain what a woman might do that would lead to her being labeled a slut? The answer ties to an issue discussed in chapter 5. That is, although there are many norms governing the hookup script, there is simultaneously a sense of confusion, which is, in part, generated by the ambiguous nature of the term “hooking up.” The rules for sexual behavior within the hookup script do not seem altogether clear and, to complicate matters, college students often have distorted perceptions of what others are doing sexually. Therefore, it is not surprising that students had difficulty articulating what constituted a rule violation when they were not entirely clear on what the rules were in the first place. An alternate explanation is that male interviewees felt awkward telling a female interviewer their thoughts on what behavior they consider “slutty.” Perhaps men were afraid to cite less extreme behavior as promiscuous, given that they do not know anything about my beliefs (or behavior). However, I believe that the distorted perceptions of what others were doing is most likely behind the extreme examples cited by several men.
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