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control in the hookup scene, which is so fraught with pitfalls for them.
Adrienne, a senior at Faith University, had this to say about “the talk”: KB: So were you [and your current boyfriend] considered exclusive at some particular point? When did things transition to that?
Adrienne: I’d say . . . we don’t really have an anniversary. We don’t really subscribe to that, either. But like, um, I made it mid-June. That’s when I have my own personal [anniversary] just to keep track. [Laughs] So, about mid-June going into junior year.
KB: So what changed in June?
Adrienne: Um, basically I’d come up [to visit him during the summer and] we had like a really fun time and I really liked him and he acted like he liked me. But he’s always like, he kind of did this like pull away thing. . . . But, I was like: “Look I’m really, I’m really starting to like you and I really just don’t want to get hurt. Like you tell me yes or you tell me no.” He’s like: “Oh, of course, you know, I really like you.” And then we kind of made it I guess official. So then I started, I kept coming up on the weekends [to visit him over the summer break]. . . . So we hung out.
In the case of Adrienne, “the talk” worked; however, many women were not as successful with this strategy, as is evident in the following exchange with Patrick, a junior at Faith University.
KB: If you could have anything you wanted going on in terms of the opposite sex, what would be your ideal situation?
Patrick: I think I would want a girlfriend, I think I would want to be in a relationship, but I’m like really sociable. So, when I was almost in a relationship, the girl [I was hooking up with] was upset because I would always be talking to other girls. So basically I would want somebody who would realize that I would want to be with one person but I would still like, like talking and hanging out and being close friends with other girls.
KB: Okay, so tell me about that girl that had a problem with it.
How did you meet her and how did things evolve?
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Patrick: We met first semester sophomore year and like we hooked up a couple times like we really never talked about a relationship until she brought it up the one time. And I’m like:
“Welll. . . yeah we could . . . like I’m not saying like I don’t want to start dating and seeing you exclusively but it would be nice to like . . . maybe just see what it’s like.” And then when I would see her at parties [and] I would be talking to other girls and she would be all upset. I’m like: “Well, you know if that’s going to get you upset, something small, just me talking to other girls, I mean I don’t think we would be able to work this out.” [But hooking up with her has] gone on. Like I still talk to her now and we stilll. . . hook up. But, I think she realizes that if we started seeing each other exclusively that I would still be talking to other girls and like being sociable to them. I wouldn’t hook up with them but I just think that she . . .
KB: She gets jealous?
Patrick: I guess, yeah.
KB: But it’s been two years now that you guys have been hooking up off and on?
Patrick: Yeah.
KB: But you have freedom to hook up with someone else if you want to?
Patrick: Yeah.
KB: And she does?
Patrick: Yeah.
KB: And do you both take advantage of that freedom?
Patrick: Yes.
KB: Typically if people hook up with people repeatedly, would they talk on the phone in between or do they usually just run into them when they’re out?
Patrick: I would say [they] run into them when they’re out. That’s when they’re just hooking up. When it becomes more serious I would say they talk to each other on the phone.
KB: Okay, so what about you [and the girl you have been hooking up with for the past two years]? What do you do mostly?
Patrick: I haven’t talked to her on the phone at all. I talk to her like on IM [instant message] every once and a while. But like I don’t like call her up and say: “Hey what’s going on?” I don’t.
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KB: Okay, so you just see her in the course of things?
Patrick: Hmmm-hmm [yes].
Like Adrienne and the woman Patrick refers to, many women indicated that they either want boyfriends or at least “something” beyond hooking up. Women who were able to find boyfriends could avoid hooking up altogether by being in an exclusive relationship (where hooking up with someone else would be considered cheating). However, for most women, boyfriends are not easy to come by during college.22 Generally, college men resist committing to an exclusive relationship in favor of remaining free to hook up with other partners.
For women who were unable to find men who were willing to be exclusively committed to them, there were other avenues they could pursue that would help protect them from the negative labels they might get from too much hooking up. A “friends with benefits” arrangement was one way to avoid acquiring “too many” new hookup partners.23 A friend with benefits refers to a man or woman who has someone of the opposite sex with whom he or she has sex on some level; however, they are not in an exclusive romantic relationship with that person. Friends with benefits are defined from the outset as “just friends”; the twist is that they are friends who are attracted enough to each other to want to engage in some version of a sexual relationship.24
Friends with benefits is not a step toward a romantic relationship and this is agreed upon in advance. Gloria, a freshman at State University, talked about her friend with benefits.
Gloria: I have a friend who is like my best friend and we hook up every time we are out and pretty much drunk . . . we’ll hang out during the day, he is my best friend, and we won’t kiss or anything [during the day]. We have fun. But when we’re drunk, we hook up. But I guess you see that person out a lot and you hook up with [him] . . . [we] just kiss. Like I get really drunk and flirty, you hang on them, but it’s funny . . . it’s just like funny, friendship.
KB: You talked about this person you hooked up with repeatedly. Does he call you, do you call him?
Gloria: The guy that I hook up with repeatedly, we talk everyday, five times a day. He lives far away from me so we don’t really hang out that much. He lives in dorms [across campus].
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KB: You don’t think of him as your boyfriend?
Gloria: No, not at all, because he wants the same thing, just [to be]
single. [We] can hook up with [other people], that way we don’t get mad at each other.
KB: So you don’t care that he hooks up with someone else at all?
Gloria: No. I don’t care. I wouldn’t be like mad but I would be like:
“Oh, how is she?” You know what I mean, kind of jealous, but not like mad at all.
KB: And same for you . . . he doesn’t care if you hook up with someone else?
Gloria: Yeah. I mean he’ll say: “Oh, who’d you bring home tonight?”
[just] kidding around. He gets . . . jealous, but not mad.
As Gloria indicated, friends with benefits represent more than “just a hookup.” Someone who is just a hookup partner is not necessarily someone with whom you spend time beyond the night you hook up.
Also, someone who is just a hookup partner is not necessarily someone you know that well or care about in any significant way. Thus, a friend with benefits relationship may represent a middle-of-the-road option for those who do not feel comfortable repeatedly hooking up with what some students referred to as “randoms” (i.e., people they did not know well). The advantage of friends with benefits for women is that, unlike a casual hookup partner, at least the man is supposed to care about them as a friend (just not as a girlfriend).
In addition to the positives for women, men may also find friends with benefits to be an attractive option. Many men indicated that finding hookup partners involves a certain degree of “work” or “skill.” Having a friend with benefits provided a “steady hookup” option for those nights where finding a new hookup partner was not worth the effort. At the same time, friends with benefits does not imply an exclusive relationship; therefore, individuals are free to pursue other people whenever they choose. This level of freedom may make friends with benefits a very attractive option to many college students, particularly men.
Although both parties may agree that a friends with benefits relationship is not exclusive, the arrangement does not always play out so easily. Despite the positive spin that Gloria puts on it, many students talked about the potential problems inherent in these relationships.
Men were concerned that the woman would end up wanting more, while women were at risk for developing romantic feelings.
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KB: Did you ever have an issue where someone wanted a relationship with you and you didn’t want it?
Joseph: Yeah I had . . . one.
KB: Okay and how did that happen?
Joseph: We had something set up kind of where we were really close friends, we always had been, and one night we went a little further [sexually] than we probably should have. And [at first] we said that probably we shouldn’t do that again. And then we were like: “Oh well, we can probably keep doing that but we can’t let it go any further. We can’t get attached.” KB: Kind of a friends with benefits thing?
Joseph: Yeah. That’s how we agreed on, like if one person was going home with somebody that night, we can’t be mad or anything like that. There wasn’t a relationship. It was strictly, if for some reason we needed [each other], the other person was there. [But] she got attached and that’s when things kind of went [wrong]. And I don’t even talk to her anymore.
KB: So she wanted it to be a relationship?
Joseph: Yeah.
KB: Did you ever have an incident, a fight or something that blew up? Was she mad that you left with someone else or whatever?
Joseph: Yeah, that’s kind of what started the whole thing because she got mad and I didn’t understand why because I thought we had that agreement. I guess I’m kind of dumb when it comes to that stuff. So I thought we had an agreement, so I didn’t understand why and then that’s what kind of finished off that. Then she wouldn’t talk to me the next day. [Senior, Faith University]
Ed: More girls than guys are looking for relationships, but not necessarily a permanent relationship, just something that’s more than just a couple hookups or casual sex.
KB: And does that create issues that girls are looking for relationships more than guys are? Do you see that creating problems?
Ed: Yeah, yeah, because the next time you see them it’s . . . very uncomfortable [and] awkward.
KB: So, you’ve had that issue where you thought girls were looking for a relationship [when you were not]?
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Ed: Right.
KB: And how can you tell that they’re looking for a relationship, do they tell you?
Ed: Yeah, yeah. Or they’ll just, like I had one where [the girl] assumed that it was a relationship because we hooked up once.
[She] just assumed that meant that suddenly you’re girlfriend and boyfriend and she just took it way too fast.
KB: And how did you let her know that wasn’t the case [that you weren’t really her boyfriend]?
Ed: I just told her.
KB: How did she take it?
Ed: Then she was like: “Well, can we still do that friends with benefits thing?” And I was like: “No, I don’t want to do that.” Like I said before, I don’t want to be that guy who is seen as using somebody and I also don’t want to have this turn into something where you get all crazy and weirded-out. What I was afraid of is if she was at the same party and she saw me talking to another girl and then she came up and made a big scene about it. That would be very awkward and embarrassing for everyone involved so that’s what I try to avoid.
[Emphasis added] [Senior, State University]
Many students suggested that women may be more likely to get
“emotionally involved” with a friends with benefits arrangement. Even Gloria, who suggested she was happy with her friends with benefits situation, admitted that her male friend is also “her territory.” In other words, Gloria’s female friends were not permitted to hook up with her particular male friend. Thus, for women, there is an emotional or terri-torial dimension that factors into friends with benefits arrangements.
KB: Are people that have a “friends with benefits” thing going, are they allowed to hook up with other people?
Violet: Yes.
KB: And does that ever create problems or issues? If you have . . .
a female friend that has a friend with benefits [arrangement]
and then she sees him hooking up with someone else, does that bother her?
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would sleep together. And then he met somebody and she got very upset about it. And [she] was like: “What is he doing?” and I am like: “I thought you guys weren’t together?” and she’s like: “Oh no!” I think girls get more emotionally involved with it, even though they are [supposed to be just] friends. [Junior, State University]
Another pseudo-relationship a number of students talked about was “booty calls.” A booty call is a late-night phone call placed, often via cell phone, to an earlier hookup partner, inviting him or her over for another hookup encounter.
Kevin: My friend would always have . . . he would fool around with a girl, but then he always had this one [other girl] where . . .
what did we call her?
KB: Plan B?
Kevin: No, it’s his late-night call, no matter what. If he was going after some other girl all night, he could pick up the phone and call this girl and she would come over to his room.
KB: And sleep with him?
Kevin: [Yes] and sleep with him.
KB: Okay. You don’t remember what the term was that you called her?
Kevin: I want to say “late night . . .” [wait it’s] “booty call.” That’s your booty call! You pick up the phone and go: “Why don’t you come over?” and not even say sex or anything, just:
“Why don’t you come over.” She knows exactly what she’s coming over there to do. [Senior, Faith University]
KB: What does [booty call] mean?
Lisa: Like someone, well usually it occurs late at night when you’re, like everyone is usually drunk or whatever and someone calls you and [says] like: “Do you want to come over?” And you both know what’s going to happen. Like it’s usually a friend or something like that and they basically just want to hook up and that’s why they called you. Or com-puter IM’s [Instant Messenger], they happen now too.
KB: You [can] do a booty call over the IM? (Laughs) Lisa: Yeah. [Laughs] [Sophomore, State University]
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Students suggested that booty call partners often have an ongoing relationship, albeit not a romantic one.
KB: What about “booty call”? Does anyone use that term?
Brian: [Laughs] Definitely, definitely. I mean it’s just, you use it jokingly. Like my one friend this past weekend was like: “Oops, booty call” and then left [the place we were hanging out].
Like, but I mean he’s been hooking up with her for a while.
She’s a good friend of mine from home. So I guess everything there is cool. But, yeah, I m
ean you’re not really just like: “Oh, I got a booty call” and you leave and like come back an hour later. I mean if it’s a booty call, it’s usually someone you’re hooking up with for a while. It’s not just [at random]. [Sophomore, Faith University]
A very interesting gender dynamic occurs with regard to booty calls.
In this type of relationship, men often placed the call or sent the text message; women accepted their invitation.25 On the face of it, it would seem that such an invitation would not be particularly attractive to women. Booty calls were a man’s last-ditch effort to find someone to hook up with for the evening. The man was often drunk when he placed the call and the woman generally would have to walk or drive over to his place late at night by herself. This does not seem like a very appealing combination. Yet, the students said women often took men up on their invitation. Why? One explanation is that women were on the same page as men. That is, the woman came home from a party or bar without finding someone else to hook up with that night. Thus, she was happy to have the opportunity to have a sexual encounter. Given how women are negatively labeled for having too many hookup partners, a repeat encounter with a previous hookup partner has its advantages. Consistent with this explanation, some students described this type of relationship as all about the sex.
KB: What about “booty call,” does anyone say that?
Diane: Uh-huh [yes].
KB: How would someone use that in context?
Diane: Friday and Saturday night you get a call at 2:00 in the morning saying “Come over.” Both of you are drunk.
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KB: Does that, do you see that happening around [Faith University]?
Diane: Uh-huh [yes].
KB: And why do you think that happens?
Diane: Because they come home, they’re alone, they’re drunk, they’re horny, they want ass. That’s basically it. [Sophomore, Faith University]
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