KB: So you really feel most comfortable [going on a date with someone] when it is that friend-of-a-friend connection?
Claudia: Yes. I think it’s easier because I have some kind of background. Otherwise it’s like: “I don’t know anything about this person.” Nothing.
KB: What are you concerned about if they are a stranger?
Claudia: I don’t know. I always think too much about things. I think of every worse case scenario. But I guess I am more comfortable if I know something about them. [Otherwise] there is not that level of comfort off the bat. [25-year-old alumnus of Faith University]
Female alumni were more cautious about going home with “strange men” than their college counterparts.2 During college, if a woman wanted to go home with a man to hook up, they could merely walk from one part of campus to another. After college, if a woman meets a man at a bar and she is interested in a hookup, she would either have to get in a car with the man to accompany him somewhere or the two parties would have to follow one another in separate vehicles to someone’s “place.” The men and women I spoke with indicated that women were very reluctant to do this. Thus, the postcollege environment presents logistical difficulties that do not merely make hooking up incon-venient, but actually serve to exacerbate a fear of strangers. Twenty-seven-year-old Stephen, an alumnus of State University, touched on this point.
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KB: Would you say that the hookup scene, as it was in college, doesn’t exist anymore?
Stephen: I think it has definitely died down a lot.
KB: Why do you think that is?
Stephen: Girls are reluctant to go home with just some random guy that they meet at a bar. . . . Now it is more along the lines of
[someone saying]: “If you are interested, here is my number, give me a call and we will go out sometime.” At first glance, it may seem that men still might want to hook up, but women are just unwilling because of their fear of strangers. While there may be some truth to this, it is not the whole story. In fact, alumni men also revealed concerns about strangers. Some indicated that dating was almost a screening process to “make sure you know what you’re getting” and to avoid, as one man put it, “crazy psychos.” Matthew, a 28-year-old alumnus of State University, discussed why he thought hooking up was really not a feasible option after college.
KB: How is the hookup scene now compared to college?
Matthew: Now it’s more date oriented. You don’t get to do that research, generally speaking. If you are dating someone in the
[big city where I live] it is a lot different than dating someone who is going to State University. First of all [there are thousands of students at State] and [the city where I live now] has several million people in the metropolitan area. So you don’t really know what you are getting into now.
KB: So you don’t feel you have that common ground that you had in college?
Matthew: Yes. You may have commonalities but you don’t find them out until you are out on a date with that person.
KB: So do you ever just go to a bar and go home with someone the way you would in college?
Matthew: Not nearly as frequently [as during college], maybe one-tenth of the time.
KB: So why, other than not knowing the people as well, why do you think [you hook up one-tenth as often]?
Matthew: I think logistically it is a little more difficult. Because as you grow older . . . you have to drive, everywhere we went in college you walked. It was so much easier. Everything ll I F E A F T E R C O ll ll E G E
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was in such a confined area. But if you met a girl you really liked and maybe you did want to hook up, but what if we were in [the city] and I live in [the suburbs] and she lives [on the other side of town]? Logistically, it could be a nightmare.
KB: Do you even try for [a hookup] and it doesn’t work, or you don’t even try?
Matthew: I would have to say I don’t even try.
KB: So if you are interested in someone what do you do?
Matthew: I would typically ask them out on a date.
Both sexes, then, seemed to realize that campus provided a safe feeling that was not present most of the time after college. Perhaps, as students, they became used to socializing primarily with other people of a similar background in terms of age and social class, whereas in the real world, most bars tend to be occupied with a more diverse clientele.
As a fifth-year senior at Faith University, Kevin was in a stage between the college and postcollege setting. He described his observations of why hooking up breaks down after college now that he moved off-campus and is on his own.
KB: You described how things are in college versus after college and you were saying that people didn’t date at [Faith U.], but you have now, why do you now [when] you didn’t then?
Kevin: [Pauses] It’s environment. Do you understand what I’m saying when I say environment? Like the environment has changed. Girls in college know that they can go home and hook up. [When it’s a fellow student] . . . they know it’s a guy from campus, they know if something goes wrong they can call the school. I think when you get out of this situation girls’ guards go up to another level. You know what I’m saying: “Whoa! These guys at all these bars are from all over this area. I don’t know where they are from.” I think [their] guard comes up. So I think there is more dating that occurs because: “Okay, I really like that guy but I do need to maybe see if he knows some people I know.” That’s why whenever I start talking to people I say: “Where are you from?” And I know people from anywhere so I’m like: “Do you know these people?” And they are like: “Yeah.” It takes the edge off right away because I already knew people that they know 136
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too. So it’s like there is a connection. I think in this setting . . .
I don’t know about [a big place like] New York City, but in
[this town] where I am, girls [went to one of the] five major colleges, and if you’re [an alumnus] from the five major colleges then somehow you can connect one way or the other.
And that’s how you usually end up dating [or] going out on a date. [Also,] it’s the next step, you mature. Girls aren’t going to be like: “I partied with this guy all night in his frat house and I’m going to sleep with him,” [as if they were in college]. “Now if this guy wants to sleep with me he’s got to take me out to dinner first [so I can] get to know him and maybe, maybe not. I’m attracted to him, I want to sleep with him but I’m not going to let it be as easy as it was in college where my excuse was I was drunk and I was in college and I can do this.” I think girls bring themselves down with their school and they go kind of nuts.
KB: So they define college as a time when they can do that kind of stuff?
Kevin: They can do some stuff that they would otherwise not do when they get out of college.
In the later part of my interview with Kevin, he gives another reason why alumni favor dating over hooking up. The men and women I interviewed defined college as a time to “party.” After college, everyday life changes and a new “definition of the situation” takes hold.3 Many alumni were very focused on getting established in their careers.
Alumni reported working long hours during the day and being ex-hausted at night. Gone were the days of going out socially every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night as many reported was common during college. Instead, many alumni suggested that they often went out socially only one night per week because they were too tired to go out two nights in a row. The point is that this change in lifestyle leads to a change in attitude about what is appropriate behavior. James, a 25-year-old alumnus of Faith University, mentioned how people had an entirely different mentality during college.
KB: Do people that you know that are completely out of college still hook up?
James: Randomly? Not really.
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KB:
Why do you think that doesn’t happen anymore?
James: I don’t know. People change when they get out of college.
Everything is just “whatever” in college. Anything goes.
KB: So . . . people think of it differently postcollege?
James: Yeah.
After college, there is a markedly more conservative mentality, especially with regard to interaction with the opposite sex. For example, two male alumni, both of whom had been heavily immersed in fraternity life, drinking, and the extremes of the hookup culture during college, spoke of the importance of being polite and respectful of women now that they are out of college. Their responses in other portions of their interviews made it clear that exhibiting courteous behavior toward women was the furthest thing from their minds during their college days. Matthew, a 28-year-old alumnus of State University, discussed how a man should behave when he takes a girl on a date: “I think the gentleman should be very polite on the date, I think it should be a little more formal. Obviously, it gets a little more informal as [the relationship] goes on. But as you’re learning about someone, you want to mind your p’s and q’s.” Stephen, a 27-year-old alumnus of State University, also shared his perspective on dating. “You have to put more effort in now [that you are out of college] . . . [if] I am going to take this girl out to dinner and have a good time and spend two hours of my night with her, then obviously I am interested in her and I want to pursue things with her . . . you are more respectful also, more respectful of women [than during college].”
Another major factor contributing to the demise of the hookup script after college is a change in relationship goals for both men and women. Many of the college women I interviewed indicated they did not plan to marry until at least their mid-twenties; for college men it was late twenties or early thirties. Thus, during college there was plenty of time to “play the field” without engaging in a serious marriage-bound relationship. After college, both men and women start to get closer to the age when they would like to marry. As a result, they are increasingly looking for relationships with marriage potential. According to alumni, hooking up was not a good way to find “the one” (i.e., the person he or she will marry). Clark, a 25-year-old alumnus of State University, discussed how people cannot find a “quality” relationship by hooking up; therefore, he chose to go on dates instead.
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KB: Why does everyone abandon [the hookup system after college]?
Clark: I don’t know. [After college] you are looking for more [of a]
relationship. I know this person, I can trust them, I can share things. If I have a bad day, they will listen to me, those kinds of concepts. Meeting someone in a bar, buying them drinks, getting them drunk and hooking up in your car, there is no quality there at all. You don’t even know if that is their real name they gave you. . . . As you get older, you . . . want something more solid.
Other alumni echoed Clark’s sentiments. Alumni did not believe that hooking up was conducive to finding “solid” relationships and a potential marriage partner. Twenty-four-year-old Will, who graduated from Faith University, said that “after college you are possibly looking for that person that you want to spend the rest of your life with so I think it’s a long process [of dating] until you actually realize if that is the person you want [to marry].” Thus, with the campus environment no longer in place, hooking up breaks down after college. Alumni no longer exclusively socialize in close proximity with “familiar” people of similar backgrounds. They also largely shift out of party mode and, with marriage more imminent, a formal dating script emerges.
HOW DATING HAPPENS
Dating is different than hooking up in many ways. The hookup calls for sexual activity from the outset, while dating is a process of getting to know someone en route to potential sexual interaction. Additionally, the goal of forming a romantic relationship takes on greater significance for both men and women. Although formal dating was not something alumni practiced in college, the dating script they followed after graduation encompassed a host of traditional customs.4 According to alumni, the man generally was the one to ask the woman for her phone number. In other words, the man initiated the date by first asking for the phone number and then following up with a phone call to ask for a date. Shana, a 25-year-old alumnus of Faith University, recounted a typical scenario for how two people meet and end up going on a date. “I met him that night and nothing happened, nothing physical, we danced on the dance floor; that was it. He asked for my
[phone] number, called a couple days later. We went to a concert.” ll I F E A F T E R C O ll ll E G E
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Several men I spoke to, 25-year-old alumnus Will of Faith University among them, mentioned that women prefer the man to be the one to initiate the date.
KB: And as far as getting phone numbers, is there a typical way
[it works]?
Will: [Laughs] I would say 75 to 80 percent of the time the girl wants the guy to call; the girl wants the ball to be in the guy’s court.
According to the alumni I spoke to, the entire date follows a fairly traditional format. Not only do men initiate the date, but they also generally drive unless the woman suggests meeting somewhere. Once the man picks the woman up at her home or apartment, the two generally go to a public place, such as a restaurant or movie theater. When the check comes, it is generally the man who pays.
KB: When you say you take people out on dates and you said you would say: “I’d like to take you out,” [then] do you pick them up [and] do you pay [for whatever you do on the date]? Is it kind of traditional?
Stephen: Yeah.
KB: Is that what it is always like?
Stephen: In my eyes, yeah. I can’t speak for all men but if I ask somebody out, I expect to pick them up, unless they want to meet
[out somewhere]. . . . [Sometimes] they feel more comfortable meeting because some women prefer that. But other than that, I expect to pick up the bill and I wouldn’t ask her to go out and then have her pay, [that’s] not my style. [27-year-old alumnus of State University]
Although the man generally pays for the date, sometimes the woman will offer to split the check or she will offer to pay for part of the date. For instance, the man pays for dinner and then the woman offers to pay for a movie. However, most alumni indicated that even if the woman offers to pay for something, the man will usually insist on paying for everything himself.
Claudia: Usually they insist on paying. I always offer money though. I just feel like . . . [if] I know they don’t earn a lot of money [then I should offer to pay for something]. I always 140
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make an offer and I am usually shot down. [Laughs] [25-year-old alumnus of Faith University]
Jake, a 28-year-old alumnus of State University, confirmed this.
KB: So, you [said that you] call and ask them out to dinner and then do you drive, do you pay, how does that work?
Jake: I am old-fashioned. I take care of it all.
KB: Do they usually offer to pay?
Jake: Some have. I say, “Are you nuts?” KB: Is that typical of people you know, that the guy would pay?
Jake: I am more old-fashioned. Some girls will go: “Let’s split it.” But I think the girls today still want the guy to treat them to dinner. They may say: “Let’s go dutch,” but . . .
KB: They are thinking: “You pay.” [Laughs]
Jake: Exactly. [Emphasis by interviewee]
Despite men and women being immersed in a decidedly nontradi-tional, hookup culture during college, the postcollege environment facilitates a radically different, yet traditional, type of behavior. After college, men seemed to interact with the opposite sex as one might expect their grandfathers would have done.5 In addition to some of the obvious indicators of traditional dating (i.e., the man initiating the date, driving, and paying), men also exhibited other signs of chivalrous behavior. For instance, several alu
mni mentioned that men hold doors open for their date or open the car door on the passenger’s side to see the woman safely to her seat. By their own admission, chivalrous behavior was not something exhibited by these same men during their college years. Interestingly, many men suggested they behaved in a traditional way during a date because they personally were “old-fashioned.” However, given that alumni across the board indicated that they behaved this way, it is apparently not as unique as they believed.
Rather, men were playing their part.
SEXUAL EXPECTATIONS
It is not surprising that the men and women I interviewed were already familiar with the dating script upon leaving college. Since the dating ll I F E A F T E R C O ll ll E G E
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era, “the date” has been a part of our culture, portrayed in movies and on television for decades. Recently, HBO’s popular comedy series Sex & the City followed the dating exploits of four thirty-something single women in New York City. The show’s depiction of the contemporary dating culture is one where there are virtually no rules. The characters are highly sexually active: they frequently have sex on the first date or go home from bars with strange men. This scenario makes for good entertainment, but its accuracy is questionable. Recent college graduates paint a much tamer picture of the dating scene. The people I spoke to were not only wary of strangers, but regarding first dates, they were very clear: anything more than a goodnight kiss was totally inappropriate.
KB: What would physically happen on a date, okay [let’s] say you didn’t just meet [the girl], you already met and [then]
you went on a date. Do you kiss at the end of the date? Do you have to wait until the second date?
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