by John Bierce
Or, not too bothered, at least.
Over in the band area, Artur had borrowed some clearly homemade stringed instrument, and was playing it with gusto. He kept the beat with one foot, and each time he tapped it, the ground produced a surprisingly resonant, deep sound.
“He hollowed out the rock under his foot,” Godrick said. “Turned it inta a sort a’ drum.”
Talia blinked at him in surprise, and Godrick shrugged. “Me da’s the first thing yeh looked at other than Hugh all night. Wasn’t hard ta’ guess what yeh were thinkin’.”
Talia sighed. “I’m sorry, Godrick. I’m being pretty terrible company tonight, aren’t I?”
Godrick shrugged. “Ah don’t think a friend’s company is ever bad company,” he said. “An ah’m happy ta’ tease yeh about this sort a’ thing, but ah also have yer back. Take yer time.”
Talia turned their dance into a hug for a moment, almost tripping them both.
“Thank you,” she said. “But you’re definitely getting interested looks from some of the Radhan, and I’d be a bad friend if I stole all your time tonight.”
“Well,” Godrick said, “ah think yeh might be about ta’ have yer chance. Hugh’s leavin’ that group a’ mages.”
As they turned on the dance floor, Talia spotted Hugh storming towards the fire.
“No!” Hugh shouted. “Stop that! What are you even doing?”
He reached down and yanked his spellbook away from the fire, then shook it upside down. A number of hot coals fell out onto the stone.
“Why were you even eating those?” Hugh demanded. He was silent for a moment, then made a frustrated sound. “No! That’s absurd! Spitting hot coals at annoying children would not make you a dragon.”
There was another moment of silence, then Hugh sighed. “Absolutely not. Go find some fish or sleeping seabirds to harass or something.”
He threw the spellbook up in the air, and it flapped away in the direction of the ship. Hugh visibly sighed, then strode away from the fire and crowds.
“Looks like he’s had enough a’ crowds fer the moment,” Godrick said. “Go after him!”
“Maybe he’s just looking for somewhere to relieve himself,” Talia said.
Godrick stepped back and crossed his arms. “Then yeh turn around and wait fer him ta’ finish, and yeh get a funny story out of it. Go!”
Talia took a deep breath, nodded, and started off after Hugh.
“Hey, Talia?” Godrick said.
She turned around to look at him.
He clapped her on the shoulder. “Ah believe in yeh, bud. Yeh’ll do fine.”
Artur was taking a break from playing music to get something to drink when Alustin suddenly appeared next to him.
“There is absolutely no way,” Alustin said, “that I was as ridiculous as my students when I was their age.”
“Yeh were considerably worse,” Artur replied.
“Why can’t my apprentices be as sensible as your son?” Alustin complained.
Artur rolled his eyes. “They’re a good lot. Ah’ve told yeh already, they’re just enjoyin’ themselves. They haven’t had much time ta’ jus’ be young lately.”
He offered the wineskin to Alustin, who shrugged and took a sip.
“These wards Hugh built today… ah’ve got ta’ admit, they’re a bit scary fer someone his age,” Artur said.
“He’s still not on Loarna’s level, but he’s far beyond even most fully trained warders at this point,” Alustin said. “If I were going to try and break one of his wards, well… I’d have to either brute force it or be tricky about it. I don’t honestly think I could break his wards in the traditional manner.”
“Yeh seldom do anythin’ in the traditional manner,” Artur noted.
Alustin smirked at that. “True enough. When are you and Hugh going to be done with your little project? I’d like to get them training with it sooner rather than later.”
Artur shrugged. “Ah’d hoped tomorrow, but…” He gestured at the party. “Should be soon, though.”
The paper mage took another drink, then handed the wineskin back to Artur. “Both Hugh and Godrick are going to be at a bit of a disadvantage once we head north from Zophor, if the Themeseren site or the third site aren’t the right one. Neither of them have affinities particularly well-suited towards the jungle.”
Artur raised an eyebrow at that. “An’ either a’ us do?”
Alustin gave him a wry look. “We have the advantage of years of using our affinities in more adverse conditions. And your equipment means you’re never at a loss for material to work with, and much the same for my tattoo.”
Artur nodded at that, and took a drink.
“So,” Alustin said. “What do you think will happen with Hugh and Talia? I’m personally betting she chickens out and doesn’t go through with telling Hugh tonight.”
“It’s almost painful ta’ watch,” Artur said. “But ah’ll take that bet. Ah’m guessin’ she kisses Hugh, panics, runs away, an’ that leads ta’ weeks a’ nonsense.”
They shook hands on the bet.
“At least Sabae and Godrick won’t be so dramatic,” Alustin muttered.
Artur raised an eyebrow, then nodded over at Sabae, who was dancing with one of the Radhan girls. There was a Radhan boy standing irritably on the sidelines staring at them both.
Alustin sighed. “At least Godrick won’t be so dramatic.”
“Hey now,” Artur said, giving Alustin a mock offended look. “Don’t count mah boy out a’ this, he’s no underachiever.”
Alustin just rolled his eyes at that.
Hugh was sitting on the edge of the cliff watching the waves crash against the rocks beneath his feet when Talia found him.
She sat down next to him, without saying anything. They stayed there quietly for a long time. Of all his friends, Talia was the one most comfortable with silence, which Hugh greatly appreciated. Most people were terrible at just being silent and enjoying someone else’s company.
He took a sip of the wineskin he’d brought with him, and then offered it to Talia. She took it from him with both hands, and started drinking as though she planned to drain it dry.
“Don’t forget to breathe,” Hugh said.
Talia handed it back to him and caught her breath. “Haven’t actually had anything to drink yet,” she said. “Got pretty thirsty dancing with Godrick.”
Hugh lay down on the clifftop, his calves dangling over the edge, and stared up at the stars. The moon wasn’t out at the moment— it was usually bright enough to wash out many of the stars, even as far as it was from being full. The stars weren’t as bright as they were out in the Endless Erg, or up in the mountains of Emblin, but they were still brilliant.
Talia followed suit. They started pointing out constellations, but they’d both grown up far to the north, so many of the ones they were familiar with were in vastly different positions than they were used to in the sky. Interestingly, Talia was having an easier time seeing them than Hugh did— he could, apparently, see a lot more stars than she did, so it was harder for him to pick out the specific stars that belonged in the constellations.
“So how’d you miss realizing you were developing night vision?” Talia asked. “It seems like the kind of thing you would notice.”
Hugh grimaced, a little embarrassed. “I dunno,” he said. “I think it must have developed slowly over time, and with me spending most of my time inside Skyhold over the last year, it must have just crept up on me. I’m sure there were signs of it, and I just didn’t realize. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m not the most observant person ever.”
“I’ve definitely noticed,” Talia said dryly.
Hugh snorted at that.
Neither of them spoke again for a long while. He felt an itch in the back of his mind that usually indicated his spellbook was nearby and up to something, but at the moment, he was too content to be bothered.
He’d almost figured that Talia had fallen asleep when she spoke up in a quiet voice.
“Hugh?” she asked.
“Yes?”
“I, uhhh…” Talia paused for a long time. “I was wondering how you were feeling about Lothal.”
“Lothal?” Hugh said.
“It’s just… you were really upset about the Havathi spotter we killed in Lothal,” Talia said. “You’ve been pretty quiet about it, but I’ve been worrying about you. For all that I’m more comfortable with violence, a lot of it’s because I’m familiar with it from being taken on Clan raids and such. And I’m not actually as comfortable with it as I act sometimes, honestly. A lot of it is just bravado on my part. And, well, you’ve fought monsters and such before, but there’s a big difference between that and killing an intelligent being.”
The itching in the back of Hugh’s mind grew a little more, but he ignored it, and tried to think of what he wanted to say.
“I don’t know anything about them,” Hugh finally said. “I don’t know their name, what they looked like, or if they were close to their family. The only thing I know is that they were trying to kill us, and I feel like that should be enough to feel justified about the whole thing. I was protecting my friends. But… I just keep trying to imagine what they looked like, over and over again, putting different faces on them. I just can’t stop imagining what they look like, and it feels ridiculous to me. And when I feel sad about Avah dumping me, I feel guilty, like I’m a bad person for thinking about something as trivial as a breakup when I should be thinking about the person I killed, who I just can’t stop wondering what they…”
Hugh forced himself to stop talking and breathed in raggedly. He felt Talia reach out and grab his hand, and he squeezed hers in response.
“Of all people, Kanderon has been giving me advice on it, and letting me talk to her about it,” Hugh said. “I feel guilty sometimes, that I’m wasting the time of someone that important with my ridiculous anxieties. She even listens to me talk about Avah, which seems absurd to me, but she hasn’t complained once. Or, about anything other than my studies, at least.”
“You can always talk to me, Hugh,” Talia said.
Hugh squeezed her hand. “I know, I just… you’ve seemed so stressed out about your hair lately, and I was worried I’d start talking about Avah and annoy you, because I know you didn’t like her very much, and I just didn’t want to be a burden. You and Sabae and Godrick do so much for me, and I know I’m not really completely useless, but it’s felt so hard to ask even more from any of you lately, like I need to try and balance things out and do more for you all before asking even more from you.”
“Hugh,” Talia said. “I’m really regretting promising not to hit you right now. You’re being stupid. There is no ledger between us. I’m not keeping track of what good deeds my friends owe me, and when I do nice things for you or Sabae or Godrick, I’m doing them because I simply want to do them, because doing nice things for my friends makes me feel good. And I can guarantee that the others feel the same way. Do you bother keeping a mental ledger for the nice things we do for you, or are you just keeping track of how far behind you think you are?”
“I guess just the latter?” Hugh said.
“Friends don’t need to keep track,” Talia said. “Also, your annoying spellbook is hovering over us, and I’m pretty sure it wants something from me.”
Hugh glanced over and saw that the spellbook was indeed hovering there. It shot him a pleading look.
“I think it brought you an apology gift?” Hugh said.
“A what now?” Talia said.
The spellbook opened its pages and flapped them convulsively, almost like it were coughing, and something dropped on the ground between them.
They both sat up and stared at it, letting go of each other’s hands.
“It’s a fish,” Talia said. “Or half of one, anyhow.”
“A mackerel, I think,” Hugh said.
“What could I possibly want with half a mackerel?” Talia demanded. “What possible use could I have for it?”
Hugh’s spellbook sent him another pleading look, and images raced through his mind.
“It, uh… stole it from a shark, and the shark reminded my spellbook of you, so…” Hugh shrugged.
Talia glared at the book, then pulled up one foot and kicked the half-mackerel off the cliff.
“Go away, book,” she said.
It flew off slowly, looking dejected.
Talia laid back down and adjusted her head covering. Hugh stared after his spellbook for a moment longer, then followed suit.
“Sorry about that,” Hugh said. “What were you saying?”
“Just… if you need to talk to me about anything, you can, Hugh. Always.”
“Thanks,” Hugh said. “Same goes to you. Whenever you need to talk about something, I’m always here.”
Talia was quiet for a moment, then started cursing.
“Uh… Talia? Is something wrong?” Hugh asked.
Talia sighed. “I didn’t hate Avah.”
“She dumped me, and we’re not getting back together,” Hugh said. “You don’t have to lie to spare my feelings.”
“I’m not… I really didn’t dislike her, Hugh.” Talia said. “I was jealous of her. I was jealous about how open she was with her emotions, about how comfortable she seemed with the expectations others had for her, about how much prettier she was than me, and… I was jealous of your relationship with her.”
Hugh was silent for a moment as he tried to process that.
“You had a crush on Avah?” he said.
Talia was silent for a moment, then started laughing.
“What?” Hugh asked, confused.
It took a few moments for Talia to regain control of herself. She sat up, then reached over Hugh and grabbed the wineskin. She took a deep drink, then just held the wineskin in her lap for a moment.
“Talia?” Hugh asked, sitting up as well.
“I didn’t have a crush on her, you idiot, I had a crush on you,” Talia said. “I still do.”
Hugh just gaped at her like a fish, trying to think of what to say.
Talia started growing visibly nervous.
“Hugh?” she asked.
“Talia, I…” Hugh started, but he didn’t know what to say.
Talia started to stand. “I’m sorry. That was unfair of me. I should get going. I’ll—”
Hugh reached out and grabbed her wrist. Talia froze, then slowly sat back down.
“My words aren’t really working right now,” Hugh said. “Could you give me a second here?”
“Alright,” Talia said, in a tiny voice.
It felt like an eternity as Hugh stared at the ocean in front of him, his thoughts racing around and refusing to collect themselves in any sensible order. Finally, he said the first thing that came to mind.
“What about Phusan?” he asked.
Talia shrugged. “I think I was just trying to make you jealous. He was cute, but boring.”
“How long…?” Hugh asked.
“I don’t know,” Talia said. “I think I was trying to deny it to myself for a long time, but I think the first seeds were planted, when, well… when I discovered your secret room.”
Hugh gave her a confused look. “When we had that argument because I was hiding things from you guys?”
Talia shook her head. “It wasn’t a fight, Hugh. I violated your privacy, triggered your defensive wards, then blamed you for my own mistakes. I was miserable for days, because I absolutely knew I was in the wrong even when I did it, but, well… I was a real spoiled brat growing up, Hugh. I got away with everything, and I never had to apologize for anything. Then my affinities appeared, and they didn’t work, and I got a chip on my shoulder the size of a mountain from that, and I’m rambling, but I’m trying to say that I wanted to apologize, but I didn’t really know how, and I was terrified you’d throw it back in my face and hate me. And then I made myself do it, and you just… forgave me. Just like that. And I think that was the moment I realized that you weren�
�t just… waiting for me to show weakness so you could tear me down, prove you were better than me, or something like that. I think… I think that was like a seed, and my feelings grew from that? That sounds stupid, doesn’t it?”
“No,” Hugh said. “It doesn’t sound stupid at all.”
He stared out at sea again, his thoughts still racing, but feeling like they were taking more of a shape now.
“You’re thinking of a way to let me down gently, aren’t you?” Talia asked, finally.
“Honestly,” Hugh said. “I don’t think I’ve ever thought of you romantically.”
“Oh,” Talia said. “I… Thank you for being honest with me. I should—”
Hugh shook his head. “No, I don’t think you understand. It’s not that there was something wrong with you that I never considered it, it’s that I literally wouldn’t let myself consider you romantically.”
“I think it’s my turn to be confused,” Talia said.
“Even though you literally just told me I could tell you anything, this is still really hard to say,” Hugh said. “But… I kinda live in constant fear that I’ll do something to drive you and Godrick and Sabae away. Most of the time I feel like you three, and I guess to a lesser extent Alustin and Kanderon and Godrick’s dad, are literally the only reasons I’m a functioning person at all. If I didn’t have you all around me, I wouldn’t be able to stand up on my own at all. Or, maybe more that I wouldn’t really feel like a person at all, like all I am is just the pieces of yourselves that you all share with me, and if you weren’t in my life any more, I’d just be… hollow, I guess. I really try not to think what would have happened if I hadn’t met you all, because I… I just don’t want to think about that, is all. And so… yeah, I just literally never allowed myself to even consider romance with you, because it might have threatened our friendship, and I just couldn’t risk it. I couldn’t… I can’t lose any of you. I can’t lose you, Talia.”
Hugh realized his hands were shaking, and then suddenly Talia was squeezing him so hard he could barely breathe.
“I’ll always be your friend, Hugh,” Talia said. “That’s never going to change. Ever.”
