by Nicole Reed
Her words puzzle me, but again I nod and walk out.
Grabbing my jacket out of my room, I decide to walk outside. I let Tami, one of the nurses, know where I am going and head for the doors. November in the South is such a beautiful time. The leaves are vibrant hues of red, orange, and yellow as they hang from the trees and lie scattered on the ground. The wind catches my hair as I breathe in the crisp fresh air.
Following one of the trails, I come to a stone bench and sit down. I draw my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them, resting my feet on the edge. Closing my eyes, I think about what Dr. Raines said. I can’t help blaming myself, but I do understand what she is saying. Some days, when I allow myself to think about what happened to JT, I get so damn angry at him. Just to think that I was going to live for him, and he left me there at the party when I cried and begged him not to go. I hate him for it, for leaving me. Then, I feel guilty because he did it for me. He’s dead because of me.
“Hey you.”
Interrupting my thoughts, I look up to see Eli. I smile and say, “Hey.” He is wearing a pair of black track pants and matching pullover. A black unmarked baseball cap is pulled low on his head.
“You want some company?”
“Sure, why not. I can squelch my bitchy beast for a little while,” I reply with a grin.
He sits down beside me with his hands in his pullover and crosses his legs out in front of him.
“Everything okay yesterday? I didn’t see you again afterwards, and you didn’t come to group session last night.”
“Yeah...I didn’t feel well. Dr. Gale actually excused me.”
“That guy cracks me up. He’s a good addition to Lanier Oaks.”
A good addition? He makes it sound like he’s been here before. “So, this isn’t your first time here?” I see him grimace as he stares off into the distance.
Sighing, he turns toward me, “You might say that this is my home away from home.”
What does that mean? I don’t know if I even want to know, so I don’t ask.
We sit in silence for the next couple of minutes. I breathe in the air, the calm, the peace, and maybe the solidarity of having someone beside me. I didn’t know how much I craved that. For two years, the whole time I was pushing people away, I was actually yearning not to be alone. I laugh at the irony.
“You’re supposed to laugh after my joke, not before it. Well, unless you’re laughing at me, then that’s totally understandable,” he says smiling.
“Definitely not laughing at you. I find myself the ‘butt’ of the joke, as always. I’m eager to hear this joke of yours though.”
“Ok, you asked for it. What did the girl cantaloupe say to the boy cantaloupe?”
“What?”
“We are too young; we ‘can’t elope!’”
It takes me a second, but I finally get it. “That’s corny and stupid,” I say but smile because I can’t help it.
“Wait, I’ve got another one. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells!”
A loud chuckle escapes me, and I shake my head, but the nut keeps on.
“How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poker face! If Frosty the Snowman married a vampire what would they name their child? Frostbite!”
Laughing so hard my stomach hurts, I look at him. “Stop it, you idiot. Those are so not funny.”
“Who’s the idiot laughing liking a hyena? Please. You know you like them. Just admit it,” he says grinning like a jackass.
My face hurts from smiling. “Please tell me that girls don’t laugh at those jokes. I don’t see you getting many dates with them. I’m laughing at just how awful they really are.”
“Now you are really hurting my feelings,” he says with a straight face, “…but you are right. I haven’t picked up one girl with my joke telling.”
I nudge his arm with my elbow, “You need to work on your bad jokes.”
“Girl, I’ve got so many for you. What did the...”
He starts, but I slap my hand over his mouth before he can finish. “NO! No more jokes. Have some sympathy for my splitting headache.”
Laughing, he says, “Saved today, but tomorrow, I’ll have some good ones for you.”
“You know, I just finished my session with Dr. Raines, and do you want to know what she said to me?”
He looks at me and shrugs. “Sure.”
“That we, as in you and me, have a lot in common. She said that you would be a good person for me to talk to.”
Eli looks at me baffled, like he’s trying to figure something out. “Well, that’s.... I didn’t think that you were....or maybe not?”
“You didn’t think that I was what?”
He is about to answer when his name is called. Tami is coming towards us.
“Hey Eli, you have a visitor,” she says.
“Thanks,” he replies. He redirects his attention back to me. “It’s probably my mom. She is trying to talk me into coming home for Thanksgiving. Are you going home?”
“No, I’ve already spoken to my mother about it.”
“Well, maybe we can spend it together. That is, if you want to?”
“Sure. I was just going to have a vampire movie marathon. It’s probably not your thing, but you’re welcome to join me.”
“Are you kidding me? I actually visited the town where the movie was filmed last year.” His grin is infectious.
“You did not,” I say, slapping his arm.
“Ouch, and yes, I did.” Standing, he looks down at me. “Movie marathon on Thursday. I’ll bring the popcorn; you bring the drinks. Deal?”
“Deal,” I reply, and he turns to head back toward the building.
I watch him disappear around the corner. Eli confuses me. He seems to have himself more mentally together than anyone I know. During our group sessions, he counsels the crowd just as much as Dr. Gale, and everyone listens to him. Plus, he is very well-liked. I catch the girls staring at him constantly. I want to know his story, but at the same time, I don’t want to push him for it. He is going to demand mine in return, and I’m not ready for that.
After being around him today and yesterday, I see that he is not interested in me other than a friend. It’s a lot like being with Reed or Cal, and I’ve missed that. I figure he must have a girlfriend back home that he is serious about and misses. My stomach growls, reminding me it’s lunchtime, so I head back in.
~~~~~~~
The following days and weeks start to shape my new life and the new me. Eli and I spent Thanksgiving together watching movies, and it ended with a massive popcorn fight. People are still finding kernels everywhere in the common area. Who knew that a discussion about whether it would cooler to be vampire or a werewolf would spark such a heated debate?
When I’m not with Dr. Raines, I spend almost all my time with Eli. We talk about everything. Well, everything except why we’re here and things back home. We’ve skirted around our stories so much that it’s almost second nature. Despite the fact that we abstain from sharing such vital details, I still believe that I have grown closer to him than anyone else in my life right now. Oh, and as for his bad jokes, they’ve only gotten worse, and he has an arsenal full. He refuses to stop until I cry for mercy. His family may have him here because they can’t take anymore. The more I listen to him, the more I believe that could be the truth.
Several weeks pass, and I realize that Christmas will be here shortly. My mother and father both visited last week and begged me to come home. My dad surprised me the most with his presence. I even saw tears in his eyes as he asked me to go home with them. He told me his missed me, we hugged, and we talked. I know we have a long way to go, but for the first time, I feel like we can make it past this. Of course, I told them I still wasn’t ready, and begrudgingly, they left me here. Agent Morris visited twice, and each time she asked more of the same questions. Her main reason for visiting hasn’t changed. She tells me they are still trying to build a case against Coach Branch and my tes
timony may be the key. My answer remains the same – no.
Walking from my session with Dr. Raines, I go to meet up with Eli in the common area. He has volunteered us to put up the Christmas tree. As I enter the room, I notice him talking to one of the new girls who arrived last week. I’m pretty sure she is dealing with a pretty bad detox because her hands continuously shake, and her eyes are shifty.
“Hey Jay. You remember Kim, don’t you?”
I smile and say, “Yes.” The tree is already up, so I start helping them hang ornaments. Eli has such patience with her. He takes his time and helps her hang the ornaments from the boughs. Again, I am struck by just how good of a guy he is. Finishing up the tree, I can’t take another minute of not knowing. Smiling at Kim, I ask, “I’m going to borrow him for just a second. We will be right back. Okay?”
Eli looks confused, but he follows as I walk outside to the adjoining patio. It’s cold but not freezing, and we are alone. Thank goodness. I sit down in one of the chairs that faces another, hoping he gets the idea. Finally, he takes a seat and places his palms down on his thighs. I take a deep breath and begin.
“Two years ago, I was raped by a coach at my high school which resulted in an abortion.” Wow, I really didn’t think I would ever be able to say that out loud to anyone I care about. “During that time, I pushed everyone away from me because I planned on killing myself at some point and didn’t want to hurt them anymore than possible. It was hell. It would have been torture if not for my friend, Rhye, who I dated some during that time. Anyway, two years later I meet this guy, Kane, who makes me start to think that maybe I did want my future, but at the same time, my past was getting in the way of us. My boyfriend that I had since seventh grade never gave up on me. I always loved JT, but I started to fall for Kane. Everything was confusing, but ultimately, I chose to live. Dr. Raines said that I really chose that long ago, and I was just waiting for myself to realize it.”
“Wait,” Eli says, shaking his head as to clear it. He stands up with both hands on his hips and looks down at me. “So you’re not gay?”
“Wait. What? Who said I was gay?” I ask confused.
“Uh... nobody,” he answers, sitting back down. “Please continue with your story.”
I gaze at him like he has lost his mind, but I continue anyway. “Well, I chose to live and try to work things out with JT. He had been waiting for me, and I felt like I owed him that chance. However, one night, he found out about what happened, and on the way to confront the coach, he was involved in a car accident.” Blinking back the tears, I stop to clear my throat. “I saw him on the side of the road -- his lifeless eyes staring back at me. My mind shut down, and I chose to do what I had already planned. I drove back to my house, swallowed a bunch of pills, and fell asleep in my tub. I was hoping to either overdose or drown, but I ended up here instead.”
Glancing towards Eli, I see that he is staring back at me. “I heard about that on the news. They didn’t release your name, but right before I came here, I saw them talking about it. I am so sorry and I can’t imagine, Jay. Well, some of it I can.”
He doesn’t say anything at first, but finally, I see resolution deep within his eyes. He inhales deeply and begins, “Over a year ago, my boyfriend died after telling his parents that we were gay. His dad was visibly upset, and things became physical. Instead of trying to calm him, I jumped in a car with Mike, and he accidently ran off a bridge into a river. I swam to the banks with only a scratch, but the car sank so fast that I couldn’t save him. Needless to say, I spent a couple of weeks here after everything happened because I couldn’t deal with life for a while.” Sadness appears in his eyes. “How would you like to live in a community where most people actually thought it was a condemnation from God that he died because we were gay? How would you feel knowing that your own father was one of those believers?”
Standing, he turns away and speaks softly, “All my life, I’ve believed in God. I listened to my father every time the church doors were open as he talked about how He loves everyone, sinners and saints alike. But, the moment I told my father I was gay, everything changed. Oh, he preached how he loved me and how God still loved me, but on the inside, it was eating him up. It still eats him up because he thinks it’s a choice. The truth is that he hates me because my very existence makes him have to question the faith that he’s always stood on. We fuss constantly. So, my mother sends me here every once in a while when we need a break and to deal with my depression, she says.” He shakes his head and turns to face me.
I think my jaw is on the floor. “What?” He asks.
“I....well...I mean...I.” I can’t put a sentence together to save my life.
“Jay, I am so glad that you and I have had this time to get to know each other before sharing our pasts. You’ve gotten to know the real me without all the baggage. So, just say what you’re thinking.”
“You don’t act gay.” Did I just tell him that he doesn’t act gay? The guy spilled his heart out to me, and that is all I have to say. I mentally and physically slap my head. “I mean...well. It’s just that...”
“Does it matter, Jay? Does that change anything between us? Because it shouldn’t.”
“No! Of course it doesn’t. It’s just that, out of everything, I didn’t see that coming. And, I don’t have a problem with who someone loves; it’s just that most of the gay guys I know are a little...effeminate.” I fix my eyes on him as I finish. As I wait for his response, I am suddenly struck by what he said earlier. “Wait, why did you think I was gay?”
He looks a little sheepish when he says, “When you told me Dr. Raines said that we had something in common, I thought that was what she was talking about. Plus until today, I hadn’t heard you talk about a boyfriend, so I just figured we were in the same situation.”
Looking at him, I actually shake my head and laugh, “Now your whole obsession with werewolves makes sense. It’s all about what the werewolf looks like.” He laughs and comes to stand in front of me, grabbing my hands and pulling me upward.
“We are one messed up pair, but whatever. It works,” he says, staring into my eyes.
I look down at our joined hands and instantly realize why I’ve always had a strange fascination with him. His strong hands remind me of JT’s. It doesn’t make me sad; it makes me think that JT is still here. I haven’t had as many dreams lately, and that is a good thing.
Looking up, I see a gleam in his eyes as he says, “You know this doesn’t change anything. I’m not going to magically start fixing your hair or doing your nails. That’s not my thing. Now, when we get out of here if you want to go four-wheeling, I’m your guy.”
Laughing at him, I say, “C’mon lets go in. Enough sharing for today.”
I need to process what he has told me and what Dr. Raines has said to me. Life seems to like throwing curveballs my direction. It’s not that Eli being gay bothers me; I just didn’t see it coming. He’s so masculine, and he’s the quintessential “guy’s guy”. In reality, he is everything that I would normally be attracted to. I guess, in a way, it’s like having JT back. Things between Eli and I are so similar to the way things were with JT before everything happened, minus the sexual attraction of course. It’s a pure love, and it’s what I have missed most over these last two years.
“Okay, this evening we are going to talk about the role your personal religion, or lack thereof, plays into your recovery. Can any of you talk about how your religion hinders or helps it?” Dr. Gale asks everyone as he walks in a circle around our chairs.
Sitting beside Eli during our group session, I look around the room. Our group has been whittled down to seven. Everyone else was apparently miraculously “cured” by the Christmas spirit and went home. As always, Eli gets the group started when he answers Dr. Gale.
“Well, most of you know that my father is a preacher, and I am a Christian. He doesn’t agree with my lifestyle, but as I like to remind him, if my Jesus was here on Earth now, he’d be hanging with us ‘so-ca
lled’ sinners instead of all you saints. My faith steadies me during my trials of depression and makes me hold fast when things get tough. It’s sad, though, when people I’ve known my whole life question my faith because of their own bigoted views.”
“Thanks for sharing, Eli. When others express intolerance and prejudice towards us, they can act as triggers that lead us back to bad habits or bouts of depression. What about you, Jay?”
I’ve been opening up much more during group sessions lately. I primarily have Eli to thank for that. He is constantly encouraging me to speak up, but for the first time, I decide to speak for myself.
“I grew up going to church every once in a while with my parents. I was baptized when I was little, and I guess I always considered myself a Christian. As I got older, my parents traveled a lot, and we didn’t attend anymore. I still remember everything I learned as a child. After I had my abortion, I started having these nightmares. I assume they stem from the guilt of knowing that I ended a life, but at that time, I didn’t see it that way. In my dreams, Satan would come and talk to me. He would quote bible verses that I remember hearing as a child or just make me feel guilty for what I did. When JT died, I felt that God was punishing me for having the abortion, taking a life for a life. I guess, in many ways, my religion has hindered me from my own recovery.”
“I don’t think it hindered you, Jay. It was just one more emotional obstacle you had to overcome. Your main problem was a sense of forgiveness, but it’s only good if you apply it to yourself and move on.” Dr. Gale finishes with a smile and a wink. “I think you’re getting there.”
After group session, everyone heads to the cafeteria for dinner. There is only a week until Christmas, but it’s been three months since I arrived. JT’s gone, and he’s never coming back. Taking a deep breath, I realize that knowing that still hurts, but it doesn’t kill me to think it anymore. I can’t say that I’ve made peace with it just yet, but I am starting to understand that there is only so much I can blame on myself.
