by Nicole Reed
“I’ve heard enough of ‘sorry’ to last a life time. How ‘bout we try something different?”
He looks at me, and I say the only thing that matters, “I’ve missed you.”
Grinning from ear to ear, he replies, “Yeah, well, I’ve missed you too.”
“Is this permanent?” I have to ask. I have to know. Pursing his lips together, he nods.
“I’m paralyzed from the waist down. I was mad at first, but then when you look at the alternative, I guess I didn’t draw the short stick. There are days I wish I could choke JT out one last time, though. Damn that boy. You know he didn’t listen to anyone for shit.” His bitter laugh fills the room, but a lost look flashes across his face. “Listen, we’ll talk later, but for now, I’ve taken enough of your time. There are others waiting for you.”
Slowly I stand up and look down at him again. I don’t know what to say. My heart is breaking all over for him -- for the loss of his legs and the loss of his best friend.
“Ok, now you get to see my mad skills at driving this bitch,” he says with a wide grin, breaking up the melancholy.
Now this is the Cal I remember. A small smile forms on my lips.
“I see that smile. C’mon let’s go see who all came out to welcome your fine ass home.” Grinning, he winks at me and says, “You know, I thought you’d come through those doors looking like death, and I was going to have to lie and tell you how pretty you were. So glad to be wrong.”
He wheels ahead of me, surprising me on just how efficient he is. Following him as he keeps chatting, I head to the kitchen. As I walk in, I see my mother, Molly, and Reed at the bar talking and laying out sandwiches. Cal’s mother is sitting with my grandmother at the breakfast table, and they both stand to hug me. While embracing me, my grandmother tells me how much she has missed me. I kiss her on the cheek when my eyes narrow on the only other person here.
Across the expanse of the room, I see him for the first time in months. His dark hair has grown out slightly, but those emerald eyes are as piercing as always. He is dressed in a long-sleeve grey button-up shirt and black dress slacks that emphasize the amazing body underneath. Kane’s eyes haven’t left mine, and the slight smile on his face highlights his dimples. My heart stops for a second.
I wasn’t ready for the visceral affection between us. My entire body tingles from head to toe with a slow burn starting in my belly. The hum of sexual attraction snares me, and I immediately feel ashamed. JT has only been dead for three months.
Finally, after what seems like eternity, he walks toward me with his hands in his pockets. Approaching me, he shakes his head and looks deep into my eyes.
“Come here, girl,” he says in a husky voice as he envelops me in a hug.
You know what Heaven feels like? It feels like two-hundred pounds of steel muscle wrapped around you with the most invigorating body smell that invades every sense you have. It is the rhythmic beating of his heart as it sounds in my ear. I grip his back, knowing he is really here. It’s the feeling of being safe, protected, and loved. It is everything I am feeling as I am shrouded securely in his arms. I want to hold on tight and never let go.
Pulling back, he smiles down at me. “You sure know how to make a guy sweat.”
I smile back. He has no clue how much I want to talk to him; I need to explain. “Mental vacations are all the rage, don’t you know? No time to get out of my own head to call or write anyone.”
Laughing he asks, “So now, how are you feeling?”
“Less crazy than before,” I say with a laugh. I’m joking, but it’s true.
“What am I going to do with you, Jay?”
“Hang out with me tonight?” Wow. My own question startles me for a second. Biting my bottom lip, I look up at him and notice his gaze is on my mouth. I can’t help it. Inside, I’m doing the happy dance because I still do it to him.
He looks dazed, but regaining his wits, he glances directly at me, clears his throat, and responds, “Uh …I can’t. I can only stay for a little while.”
This is kind of awkward. Stuttering just a little, I reply, “Oh. Okay. I was hoping we could talk about some things that I thought about while I was gone. Especially regarding, you and me.” Looking at him, I start to speak, “You....”
“I have a date tonight, Jay,” he says, looking into my eyes.
Did I hear him correctly? Did he just say he has a freaking date tonight?
“When Molly called and said that you were coming home today, I wanted to be here for you. If I’d known sooner, I wouldn’t have made plans, but I haven’t heard from you in almost three months.”
Twenty million thoughts run through my head as I stare at him. Oh Crap! Shit! Okay, this is what you wanted, Jay. You wanted him to move on, and he has. So sit and wallow in it. Inside, I am dying. I need to say something, but as I blankly stare into his green eyes, all I can think about is that he deserves someone who can love him. Just him. Right now, I’m not that girl, and I don’t know if I ever will be.
Sighing, I say, “No, you’re right..,” I stop speaking when I realize we have an audience, and all eyes are on us. “Hey guys, can you give us a minute?” Everyone nods as I turn and head toward the foyer. Unfortunately, I didn’t think about the location too well because I stop to stand in front of the round table. THE ROUND TABLE that we made out on. That he made me come on. The same table that gives me hot flashbacks of his rock hard abs, kissable lips, and supple fingers as they...
“Jay, you still with me?” Kane’s voice brings me out of my stupor.
“Yes, oh yes. I am just fine.” I know my voice sounds sensual, but I really can’t overpower it. Kane keeps looking at me like I have lost my mind. I see him look from me to the table, and then a sly grin spreads across his face.
“Ahh, good times,” he comments, winking at me.
Finally regaining what little sense I have, I reply, “Listen Kane, I’m really sorry that I didn’t write back. I didn’t know what to say or do, and things were so chaotic in my mind. For the first two months that you wrote to me, I wasn’t in the right head space. I wanted you to move on, knowing deep down inside that was the best thing for you.”
“Jay, you don’t owe me an explanation. If anything, I owe you an apology for laying my shit on you while you were in there. It was stupid, and believe it or not, I never planned on giving the letters to Molly or your mom. I guess you could say that I had weak moments. I’m not going to lie; those first two months were rough. Not knowing and, then again, knowing everything was just as bad. I had a fucked up time, but I was able to get a hold on myself.”
“Kane, you don’t have to say anything.”
“I know, but I want you to understand that it brought up a lot of my past that I thought I had dealt with, and evidently, I hadn’t. Finally, I had to move on to get in a better mind-frame to deal with all this shit. Not yours, mine. Jay, I will always be here for you, but my life didn’t stop these last three months. I want to be honest with you.”
Nodding my head, I have to glance away. Tears threaten to spill, but I can’t do this to him. It’s not fair. He deserves better. Locking my emotions down, I look deep into his eyes. “Kane, I’m glad you have moved on with your life. I just want to tell you how sorry I am about everything. You’re such a great guy.” Moving closer, I reach for his right hand and grasp it tight. “In so many ways you did save me, and for that, I will be forever grateful.”
His eyes never leave mine, and I can see the resolve deep within them. This was his decision before mine. Lifting my lips, I close my eyes and inhale him into me, hoping I can retain his smell for eternity. Gently, I feather my mouth across his cheek. Hearing his intake of breath, I slowly pull back.
“Friends?” he asks.
“Friends,” I answer, but my soul screams otherwise.
Hugging myself and holding tight to all my emotions, I put a smile on my face and ask, “Do you have time to eat something while you’re here?”
Looking away, he answ
ers, “I think I’ll go ahead and go.”
A tremor runs through my body. Nodding my head, my eyes return to his, “Okay. Kane, it was really good to see you.” Is this goodbye? Forever?
He places his hands in his pockets and laughs. “Jay, this isn’t goodbye. Friends remember? I’ll call you in a couple of days.” He walks to the front door and looks back before closing it behind him. “Answer your phone.” With that, he is gone.
“What the hell?” I say to myself.
“You know you deserve that.”
Turning, I look towards Molly. She stands with her hands on her hips in the corner.
“How much did you hear?”
“Almost all of it. You do remember how nosy I am, right? Not only that, I was worried about how upset it might make you when Kane told you why he was leaving.”
“You knew he was dating?”
“Yeah, he told me he wasn’t going to lie to you even though I asked him not to tell you yet. Obviously, he didn’t listen.” Holding her hands up, she can tell I’m pissed, “I didn’t want you to get upset. I didn’t know where your head would be. He said that there would always be honesty between you guys.” Scrunching up her face, she looks at me. “He’s a little too good to be true.”
“Yes, he is, and he deserves someone who has her life together.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. He cares about you, Jay.”
“Stop. Just stop, Mols. I’m barely holding myself together right now. Please just let it go.” My head starts to ache. I want to run to my room, away from her, away from here, but I can’t. I’ve run enough these past couple of years. Taking a deep breath, I say, “Listen, let’s go see everyone else.” She gently touches my shoulder as I walk by.
“I’m sorry. I seem to be the one making everything worse.”
“No, it’s okay. I wanted him to move on.” Her eyebrow shoots up, looking unconvinced. “Well, I thought I wanted him to move on.”
Grinning, she says, “That’s more like it.”
I stop her before she can say anything else, “But, I am glad he did.” She looks on with disbelief. “I need to concentrate on me for now.”
“If you say so girlie, but just so you know, he is not going anywhere.”
With a wink, she turns and walks toward the kitchen, and I follow. I don’t know what she means, and honestly, I can’t think about it. I’ve done the hard, but right, thing and let him go. I have to believe that to move on.
As I enter the kitchen, I stop to look at everyone standing around with somber faces. This is crazy. Did they all think I was going to lose it because he has a date? So much has changed, but I have to remember that they don’t know what I’m feeling. They have no clue what I am thinking.
“Who’s hungry?” my mom asks.
Leave it up to my mother to try and diffuse the situation. The room is silent, and all eyes are on me. Despite the fact that the mere thought of food makes me nauseas, I come up with the only thing I can think of to relieve the tension. “I’m starving,” I reply, grabbing a plate and browsing over the spread on the bar. All at once, the chatting starts again. We sit around the kitchen eating and talking about nothing at all. Halfway through the meal, my father walks through the door. Heading straight for me, he drops his briefcase on the floor and wraps me in his arms.
“Jay, thank God you’re home.”
“Hey Dad.” Nestling my face into his chest, I feel like a little girl again. It feels so right, but the thought of him knowing my deepest darkest shame counteracts it. I pull away as my mind is overcome with negativity. Uncomfortably, I look at him and smile. I think he knows that our relationship has forever changed, and time will only tell how, or if, we will be able to mend it.
“Dale, would you like something to eat?” my mother says, coming to the rescue once again.
Looking around like he is finally noticing that we have a crowd, he answers, “Sure.”
After we eat and share an endless round of hugs, everyone leaves. I promise Reed and Molly that they can come over tomorrow. Cal says he will be by the house at least once a week so I might as well get used to it. I can’t help but smile. Even now, in his situation, he is trying to take care of me. Leaning down, I kiss his cheek and say, “Love you.”
Smiling, he looks up at me, “Love you girl. I always have.”
With goodbyes over and done, I finally get to go up to my room. My mother asked early on when I was at Lanier Oaks if she could redecorate, and I told her yes. Walking in, I am immediately grateful that she did. The room is a soft brown with teal accents throughout. It looks girly but grown up. Everything, including the dark cherry wood furniture, is new. My bathroom is completely remodeled, almost to the point it is unrecognizable. A large tile shower stands where my bathtub used to be.
I plop down on the bed and look around. The party was easier to get through than I anticipated, even after Kane left for his date. It felt right spending time with everyone, and even being near Cal was healing. I wish…well...wishing won’t change anything. Nothing will change what happened. I know moving forward is the only way to keep my sanity. Hearing the knock at my door, I say, “Come in.”
“Jay, I just went to have your medicine filled. How do you want to handle this?” my mother asks as she walks in.
“Handle what?” I reply, confused by her question.
“Well, do you want to keep your medicine with you or do you want me to keep it and give it to you each day?”
“I’m not a child, Mother,” I retort, but I immediately realize what she is saying. She is worried about me having the pills. “Mom, I’m not going to do that again.”
Her face falls, aging her. “How do you know, Jay? I don’t believe I can trust your word right now. The doctor has you on a couple of different anti-depressants. I’m just worried. That’s all.”
I guess she has every right to be, but I have to make her understand. “Mom, I made a promise to Cal that I would never do that again, and I won’t. I will never go back on that promise.” She looks at me for several seconds before nodding her head.
“I can understand that,” she says. Hesitation lingers on her words, and her face is laced in doubt.
“Mom, if you would feel better dispensing them to me daily, that’s fine.” I have to remember what I have put them through, and I have to keep trying to rebuild what I destroyed.
“It really would. I’ll just give them to you every morning. How does that sound?”
Even though I don’t mean it, I say the thing that would make my mother the happiest. “That’s fine, Mom. By the way, I love the room.” Her face lights up.
“Really?! I was hoping you would.” Reaching into her pocket, she hands me a new phone. “I programmed most of your contacts back in, but other than that, everything is reset. The police took the other one.” She looks at me, unsure of what to say next.
“Thanks,” I reply, looking down at it.
“We will find our way through this, Jay.” Hugging me, she pulls back and starts to walk out of my room but turns at the last minute. “Uh, Jay, You also had a prescription for birth control from before, and I went ahead and had it filled as well.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
She nods her head and walks out. I don’t plan on needing it, but I’ll feel better taking it.
Closing my eyes, I lie back on my new comforter. My thoughts go to Kane and the heartache that threatens to consume me. It’s over and done. I need to find a way to live. Love may come later with someone else, but right now, I will mourn what could have been.
Grabbing my phone, I go to my iTunes store and purchase the song that reminds me most of Kane. It was playing at O’Malley’s the first time I saw him. I close my eyes and let the soft melody and haunting lyrics wash over me. He came into my life right when I needed a reason to live. Maybe fate brought him there, or maybe it was destiny or random chance. Maybe he was right when he said that our tortured souls recognized one another. I really don’t know, but I have to believe there was a bi
gger reason. With tears in my eyes and pain demolishing my heart, I drift to sleep.
“Wake up, baby.”
I hear his voice calling to me, and my heart plummets. Closing my eyes tighter, I tell myself not to open them. I can tell that I’m lying down, and I’m afraid to see exactly where I am.
“Jay, it’s okay. Open your eyes.”
JT’s voice sounds weird, almost off. Something is different. Opening my eyes, I see him leaning over me on my bed. We’re in my old room. Shiny blue eyes look down at me, and his thick dark hair hangs slightly. Grinning, he brushes the hair away from my face. How cruel can God be by letting me feel him?
“You’re not real,” I say to him.
“I know, but maybe you need me.”
A short burst of laughter escapes me. Turning to lay towards him, I look deep into his eyes. “My own personal dream-love-slave?” I ask jokingly, but it isn’t the only thing that comes to mind. The anger rises within me. I am furious at him for not listening to me that night, and for Cal.
Laughing, he replies, “If that’s what you need. You know I wouldn’t have a problem with that. It has to be better than those nightmares you have.....ouch.”
I slap him across the face before he is able to finish. Rising above him, I push him onto his back against mattress and start pummeling him with my fists. He tries to block my hits and throws his hands up to cover himself.
“Damn it. Stop!”
“I hate you for not listening! I hate you for letting anger drive you to your grave! What about Cal?! I was going to get my life back. Damn you!” My anger turns quickly to sadness and grief. Sobs rack my body.
“You can’t hate a dead guy, Jay.”
“I have to move on, JT. My life didn’t end that night, as much as I wanted it to.”
“Do you think I would begrudge you for that in real life? Moving on?”
Flopping onto my back, I sling my arm to cover my eyes and answer, “No. Yes. I don’t know. Your voice sounds funny. I think I’m forgetting what you sounded like. It’s only been three months. How could I do that?”
