by Nicole Reed
“We all have choices to make. Sometimes we make them for ourselves, and sometime we sacrifice for the greater good. Nobody can make you testify.”
“Well you sure as hell are trying,” I snap at her, looking out the window.
We say nothing on the drive back to my house. As soon as she stops the car in my driveway, I open the door to get out.
“Jay, if he doesn’t go to jail, I’m worried about you. Watch yourself.”
I turn to her with a million questions in my mind, but she doesn’t say anything else. I shake my head in disgust. Her scare tactics aren’t going to work. Walking inside, I run up to my bathroom and turn on the shower. Stripping my clothes off, I walk into the hot spray and let the water warm me from the outside in. I look at my dirt-stained hands as the water washes them clean. The red clay drips to the shower floor as I scrub the residue from underneath my finger nails.
Standing under the hot stream, I close my eyes and envision myself in a courtroom. I’m sitting on the stand, staring at him and his smiling face because he loves what he has done to me. He’s always loved looking at me, and knowing our secret gets him off. I saw it then, and it would be no different that day. He’s already claimed his prize and stripped me of mine. They’ll ask me to explain what happened and want to know about every moment in anguishing detail, ripping me open and leaving me bleeding and bare. No, I can’t. I’m moving on, living, letting the dead die, and the open wounds mend. Everyone will have to understand. I wash my hair, turn off the water, and step out.
I hear my cell phone ring as I’m getting dressed. Picking it up, I see that it’s Kane.
“Hey you,” I answer with a smile in my voice.
“Hey baby. Can we do dinner tonight? Cole wants to take my mom out tomorrow night for Valentine’s.”
“Sure. What time should I be ready?”
“Be ready at six, and wear something sexy. There is a new place downtown that I want to take you.”
“I’ll be ready,” I say in a sultry voice.
He laughs, “So will I.”
I laugh with him then hit disconnect. I can’t help myself, and I send him a text.
Me – Just remember who agreed to the one month.
Kane – Damn :(
Me – I won’t tell if you won’t. It could be our little secret. Shhh....
Kane – Hot Damn :)
Kane – Shit...I couldn’t do that to your mom. I have a guilty face.
Me – What exactly does “in between” mean?
Kane – 1st to 3rd base
Me – Well then, I’ll make sure to wear a 3rd base outfit then and throw something on for a possible steal to home.
Kane – You are going to get me into trouble......
I actually make it to class on time, and the rest of the day is drama-free. I’ve made friends with a girl in my course who graduated from Jackson Heights last year. We talk about our Valentine’s Day plans and schedule to have lunch together next week.
After class, I go shopping for a new dress and shoes. Driving by my hairdresser’s, I make an impulse decision to stop, hoping she can work me in. I’m in luck, and she gives me mini make over. My new outside matches the girl emerging from within. Several hours later, I walk out with my hair about five inches shorter. It still falls below my shoulders, but it now sports a trendy ombre look. My roots remain my natural dark hue, but the color fades toward the ends. Thick curls cascade around my face and down my back.
When I arrive home, I rush upstairs to get ready. My mini dress is a dark forest green high neck halter that has a deep V cut in the back. The skirt is banded, and I scrunch it up to hit about mid-thigh. My shoes are a pair of black satin Pinup Couture pumps with a four and a half inch heel and large satin bow at the back. The dress is ultra-sexy, and the shoes are too cute. It’s a perfect pairing for my sweet and sexy look. I feel good, and a little bad.
Reaching for the silver locket he gave me, I think about putting it on but decide that I want Kane next to my heart tonight. This evening is all about us. Smiling to myself, I turn to go downstairs. As I step off the last step into the foyer, I hear a whistle. Turning, I see he’s already arrived. He has on black jeans, a white t-shirt, and a fitted black jacket. He’s beautifully lethal to my heart. I have no will power when he looks like he does. Need is a stubborn, living, and breathing monster that rises within me.
Sucking in my breath, I make a decision for me and for him. Holding my hand up indicating that he should freeze, I turn on my heel and walk towards the sunroom where my mother is reading. She looks up from her book when I walk in, and a smile illuminates her face.
“You are beautiful, Jay.”
I stop to stand in front of her. “Thanks Mom, but we need to talk.” Sitting down, I grasp her hand, “I am eighteen, almost nineteen, and an adult. I have survived hell, and I am about to have to walk further into it with this trial. I’m trying my best for me and for you and daddy. Tonight,” I pause, swallow, and start again, “I need tonight.” I don’t want to talk about this with my mother, at all, but I need her to understand, and I don’t want to break her trust.
Taking another deep breath, I start again, “Kane and I made promises to you, but...” I don’t know how to continue. How do you tell your mother that you’re about to combust from all the sexual tension? This is so embarrassing. We should have just done it. Standing up, I don’t want to continue this conversation, but she grabs my hand.
I see her eyes filled with mirth. She is choking back laughter, barely able to say, “Wait Jay, don’t leave. Ah, to be young again.” She regains her composure before continuing, “I made you both make that promise for you, wanting you to not rush, but I see you growing stronger mentally every day. Your father and I are so proud of how far you have come. I watch how you and Kane are together, and yes, you can’t help but feel the heat between you both.”
“Mom...,” I threaten.
“Sorry, I’m still a woman. I’m not giving you my permission. You never needed that, but I’ll say have a nice night and just text me to let me know where you are. Sound fair?”
Leaning down to kiss her cheek, I smile and wink back, “Fair enough.”
I walk back to the foyer where Kane is lounging against the wall. Marching directly up to him, I don’t stop until my body merges with his. Our tongues entwine, and his breath is mine. I run my hand up over his head, loving the soft feel of his buzzed hair. I desperately want my hands all over him and his all over me, not stopping until both of us are satisfied entirely.
Pulling back, he asks, “Where did you go?”
Grinning back at him, I lean my mouth to his and whisper, “To undo our deal with the devil. Happy Valentine’s Day.”
The green of his eyes glows with intensity. Putting his mouth to mine, he nips at my lips, wanting entrance. Laughing, my body warms, not just with lust but with happiness. I’m happy. I kiss him while I smile.
“What’s that about?”
“You make me happy. You make me want to live for me, to have this forever. To have you forever.”
“God girl, you make me so damn happy. I’ve waited,” he shakes his head, grabbing my arms and pulling me closer, “too long to hear you say that.” Kissing me deep, he pulls back looking around. “Let’s get out of here. We have dinner reservations.”
Oh, hell no. I don’t want to eat, well, unless he is the main course or at least dessert. He grabs my jacket off the foyer table, puts it on me, and carries my purse to the car. Opening my door, he helps me in and goes around to his side. Once in, he leans over and catches my mouth with his. Moving back, he stares into my eyes as if he’s looking for something. I can tell the moment he finds it, because he smiles and runs his thumb over my lips.
“You look perfect tonight.”
He turns on the radio and backs out of the driveway. Ron Pope’s “A Drop in the Ocean” plays loudly. He reaches for my hand, locking them together before bringing them to his mouth and kissing the back of mine.
; Once the song ends, I turn the volume down and say, “Let’s go to your house. I’m not hungry for food.”
He grins and glances at me. “We are, but first, food.”
I start to complain, but he cuts me off.
“There is a reason for that, Jay. Cole is going out for the night, but he isn’t leaving until later. Let’s give him time to clear out.”
Pouting, I look away but clearly hear him chuckle.
“I like when you pout for me. It’s sexy as hell.”
Arriving at the restaurant, the valet opens my door and I step out. Coming around the car, Kane reaches for my hand, and I smile up at him.
“Damn, I love your smiles.”
Leaning up, I kiss his lips, and together, we turn to walk into the restaurant. Either the food is really good or everyone is celebrating Valentine’s early because the place is packed. Kane gives the hostess his name, and she leaves to check our reservation. He stands behind me, rubbing his hands up and down my arms.
When the hostess returns, she asks us to follow her. Kane reaches down for my hand, guiding me as we walk to our table. I look around, checking out the decor of the new restaurant when I suddenly stop, yanking Kane back with me. Across the restaurant sits Bruce Branch and his wife. They have both already spotted me. He leans comfortably back in his chair, almost daring me to come closer. He turns to his wife, and my gaze follows. The malicious intent on her face makes me stumble back. Where he looks the same, she looks frail. I don’t think I would have even recognized her if she wouldn’t have been with him. I don’t want to cause a scene.
“What is it, Jay?”
“We have to leave. Now.” I start tugging on his hands, trying to pull him the way we just came, but he refuses.
“I don’t understand,” he starts to say looking around and spotting him. I was hoping he wouldn’t remember him, but obviously he does. “That fucking bastard,” he starts towards him.
NOT AGAIN! My whole body screams as I grab his arms to stop him.
“What the fuck are you smiling about?” Kane yells to him in front of the entire restaurant. “You are piece of shit,” he says pointing at him. By this time, we have drawn a crowd of onlookers. A large man in a black suit comes up to us and asks Kane to leave. Kane looks at him and says, “Do you know what trash you are serving here? Fucking rapist.”
I wince at his words and give up because this is one battle I’ve already fought and lost. Letting go of him, I turn and run out of the building, not caring if he follows me or not. I bust through the front doors and look rapidly left and right. I don’t know where to go, and I don’t care. I just need to go. My shoes violently slap the pavement. With my feet aching, I slow down.
“Jay, slow down.” I hear him yell behind me. “Jay, stop.”
I don’t turn around. I listen to the pound of his feet on the ground as he catches up to me. Feeling his hands on my shoulders, I shrug away and keep walking.
“Stop, please. I lost my head.” He comes to stand in front of me, blocking my way.
I don’t look at his face as he pleads with me.
“He should be the one to leave, Jay. All we needed to do was tell the owner and make him leave.”
He doesn’t even know what he is talking about. Stopping, I place my hands on my hips and stare up at him. “That’s not how it works, Kane. Legally, it’s my responsibility to leave.”
He mimics my stance, asking, “What do you mean it’s your responsibility to leave?”
“It’s the type of bond that he is out on. If he’s out somewhere, I have to leave and vice-versa. Other than that, he can’t have contact with me. He’s innocent until proven guilty.” A sharp pain stabs my stomach as I say those last words.
“That’s bullshit! Did you not see the way he was smiling at you? He knows doesn’t he? He knows you are not going to testify, and the smug bastard knows he is getting away with this shit.” Raising his hands, he rubs the back of his head as he walks in circles. Stopping, he looks at me and asks, “Has this happened before?”
I don’t want to answer him because I don’t want to lie; however, my silence speaks for me.
“Damn.” His eyes shine a little crazed as he asks, “He’s talked to you, hasn’t he?”
At first, I don’t say anything, but then I answer, “It was nothing.”
“Do you not see how fucked up this is? So he gets to have dinner with his wife, and the young girl he completely destroyed has to leave,” he says, banging his fist against his other hand.
“Legally, it was my responsibility to leave.”
“Well, that says a lot about our judicial system.” Shaking his head, he turns to me with a look of defeat in his eyes. “How can you just allow him to walk away? Don’t you want him to suffer for what he did? For everything he has caused? I just don’t understand how you can sit back and not fight. You are letting him win.” He turns away, but I still hear his last words. “I don’t know if I can handle this.”
“You don’t have to,” I say.
“Look at me, Jay,” he says spinning me around. “You have to fight. You can’t allow him to sit there and smile, knowing he has won. You can only pretend for so long until shit like this pops up. What about when he’s free and he doesn’t have to leave wherever you are at? Are you going to spend your life walking away?” Pausing, he looks deep into my eyes, “It will eventually ruin you, me, and everything.”
We stare at each other for several minutes.
“Come on. It’s freezing out here” he says, reaching for my hand.
I pull back, unsure how to respond and not wanting to. I want to tell him that I’ll find my own way home, but I left my purse in his car. I have to let him drive me back. As we near the restaurant, his car is waiting in the main drive. He must have requested it before coming after me.
Once we are back on the road, he asks me, “Do you want to come back to my house? I have something I want to give you.”
Not looking at him, I shake my head. I want to go home. My head and heart hurt. Just when we get to a place of happiness, we are pulled back. It’s almost like our relationship is doomed. I don’t understand how to make anyone see how painful testifying would be for me. They act like it’s nothing, but it’s everything. It’s an accumulation of the shame and power he has had over me for the last two years. People want to talk about it being “the right thing to do”, but what about the right thing for me? Can’t one damn person just think about me for a change?
When we are almost to my house, he finally speaks, “I’m sorry I lost it like that in the restaurant. That was unfair to you. I didn’t think about how it would make you feel until now. I’m sorry, Jay. I didn’t mean what I said. I lost it.”
Looking out the window, I hear him, but tonight, I just want to get into my own bed and be by myself.
When he pulls into the driveway, I start to open the door when he says, “Stop. Please don’t get out of the car mad. Tonight wasn’t supposed to end like this. I fucked up.”
“Kane, I need some space tonight,” I say as I get out, not looking back.
He doesn’t get out to stop me, and that is probably for the best. We both need time to cool down. I need time to let the sting of his words settle in my soul. I need the burn to stop. Walking into the house, my mom comes into the foyer as I shut the door behind me.
“Well, I didn’t expect you.... What’s wrong, Jay?” She rushes forward, wrapping her arms around me, and I let my anguish go.
Laying my head on her shoulder, I tell her what happened as I bawl my eyes out. After I finish, she pulls me into the living room to the couch.
“He loves you, Jay, but you have to remember that he is human too. We all are. If I ran into that bastard, I would probably lose it also.”
“Nobody thinks about how testifying will affect me,” I whine.
“Have you thought about how not testifying will affect you?” my mother softly asks.
I think about what she is asking, and maybe she is right, b
ut right now, I just want go to bed. Leaning over I hug her saying, “Thanks for listening.”
“Anytime, Jay. Oh, remember that I’m leaving early tomorrow to take your grandmother to have her foot surgery.”
I forgot all about my mother telling me that. “Do you need me to go with you?”
She shakes her head, “No, it’s outpatient. I’ll be back tomorrow evening. Love you, Jay.”
I kiss her cheek and say, “Love you, too.”
Heading up to bed, I disrobe and fling myself across my bed. I don’t want to think about anything. I try to force myself to sleep, but slumber eludes me.
My mind raced all night long with thoughts of Kane. Last night was the second time that a date has ended because of my past. He must really care for me, and God, I love him with everything I am. I don’t know why he puts up with me and all my shit. I need to talk to him and let him know he is right about everything.
The ringing of my phone startles me, but instantly, I hope its Kane. Reaching for it, I answer without looking at the I.D.
“Hey.” I answer.
“Jay, listen I don’t have long. I need your help,” Rhye says on the other end of the line. I haven’t heard from him since the night at the club. He’s been ignoring my calls.
“What’s up, Rhye?”
“I need you to see if your parents are flying out to L.A. today. I’ve got a contact that can get The Mavs into a music showcase tonight, but we need to get there with our own equipment.” He pauses, clearing his voice, “For free.”
“That’s awesome. Let me call my dad. No promises, Rhye.”
“I would owe you.”
“Let me call you right back. Bye.”
“Jay, thanks for just asking.”
Hanging up, I dial my dad’s number, and he answers on the first ring.
“Is everything okay?” he asks.
Why does everyone assume something is wrong when I call? “Everything is fine. I need a favor.”
“Okay, what is it?”
“I need to charter a plane to L.A. today.”
