by Jane Toombs
She tightened her lips. She wouldn’t think about such things. She’d call Helen, talk to her. But when her stepmother answered after seven rings, she was distracted.
“Oh, Janella, this is one of Arnie’s bad evenings. He will only take a little formula at a time, and I know he’s hungry because he’s calling out, you know, in his pitiful way. Why don’t you call me back tomorrow and we can talk?”
Janella knew very well how Arnie could be, but she stared disconsolately at the phone after hanging up. Finally she went to the entry, got her coat. Red would be outside, he’d said so. At least he was normal; maybe she could talk to him.
He stepped out of the deeper darkness by the hedges of oleander that lined the road. She saw the glow of his cigarette, then smelled the smoke.
“Want one?” he asked.
“I don’t smoke pot,” she said. “If I’m not going to smoke tobacco then why smoke anything?”
“End of lecture?” Red’s voice was lazily amused.
She flushed, glad the night hid her face from him. But she was obscurely disappointed in Red. What did you expect? she asked herself. A knight on a shining white motorcycle?
She felt his arm encircling her shoulders and stepped back.
“Hey…?”
“It’s been—I’ve had a bad day.” If he persists, she thought, I’ll go in. I don’t want him to touch me—I don’t want anyone to touch me. They’re all trying to invade me in one way or another.
“Okay,” he said. “Let’s walk down the road.”
There was silence between them for a time as they started down the hill. “Want to talk about it?” Red asked.
“My aunt,” she began, then wondered if she should discuss this with a stranger. But they’re all strangers, she told herself, and continued. “My aunt had some kind of an attack and I really thought she was dying, but Akki took care of her. No one’s ever told me just what’s wrong with Aunt Toivi.”
“Chris said she thought Mrs. DuBois pretended a lot.”
Chris again. “I’d like to meet Chris,” Janella said. “Where is she now?”
Red didn’t answer, and she repeated the question.
“I’ve been hoping you could help me find out,” he said.
“Find out what?”
“Where she is—Chris, I mean. She’s disappeared.”
“But surely Lucien—Mr. DuBois…”
“He says he doesn’t know—he’d deny knowing her at all if he could get away with it. After she turned up missing I came here and asked him for a job. I thought maybe I’d find out about her, but then he discovered I was Chris’s brother and fired me.”
“You’re her brother?”
“Something’s happened to her and no one will tell me anything. I think Akki knows, but she doesn’t understand what I say.” Red’s voice was harsh with emotion. “Or she pretends not to.”
Janella stopped to stare up at him, but he took her arm and urged her along. She pulled away but continued to walk.
“Do you—do you have any idea what could have happened?”
“No. But he knows, DuBois. He won’t tell me, but he knows. You can find out. He doesn’t realize you’re meeting me, does he? Make up to him—that’ll be easy. You’re a pretty girl, and he likes them young and blonde.”
Janella thought of Aunt Toivi with her sallow face. “Is Chris blonde?”
“Yeah. Maybe not as pretty as you but she’s different. You—you’re more like a watercolor. Chris is an oil painting. You see what I mean?”
“I guess so.”
“That reminds me—you been through the art gallery yet?”
“The what?”
“The room upstairs with all the sexy nudes. Chris sneaked me in once to see it. Wow!”
“No,” she lied.
“Well, it’s some scene. All that stuff hanging there, standing in the middle surrounded by…”
“Were the pictures on the walls?” she asked, surprised.
“Yeah—it’s an art gallery. A porno art show.”
“Oh. Well, I—I think I’d better start back.” She turned around. She didn’t want to think of the pictures, but she didn’t really want to go back to the house either. She didn’t want to ever go back. “I wish I hadn’t come here.”
“Don’t leave now.” There was alarm in his voice. “Please—I need your help.”
“But they’re all crazy here!” she burst out, then felt inexplicably guilty for revealing relatives’ foibles.
As Helen had always said, “One doesn’t talk to outsiders about family matters.” And Red was an outsider. But so was she, really.
“What’s going on?”
“My aunt…” How could she explain to Red? What was there to say? My aunt is tampering with my mind, making me wander the dark passages of my childhood? Akki tells me the future is doom-laden; Lucien asks me to look for shadows, and my feeling for him is frightening me?
“My aunt needs to see a doctor,” she said lamely.
“Well, can’t you tell DuBois—what’s the big deal?”
“And Chris—you’re worried about her disappearance. If it’s dangerous here I don’t want to stay.”
“You’ll be all right. You don’t have—you’re not Chris.”
You mean you don’t care what happens to me, she thought. You just want something from me like everyone else. All of a sudden the night surrounding her was only a manifestation of her own inner darkness. Where was the golden place of safety—why had she ever left it? A noise came out of the air, a mournful call, startling her so that she clutched at Red.
“Only an owl,” he said. “Hunting.”
An owl, the kulta pollo. Akki had made her forget the owl. She’d demand it back, the chest and the owl. She couldn’t have imagined they’d been under her pillow. Akki had taken them. She walked faster, eager now to get back.
Red came up with her to the hedge, where he took her arm, holding her from movement. “I’ll come by every night. Let me know what you find out.” He pulled her closer but she pushed at him.
“No, don’t. I’ll tell you if I hear anything of Chris, but don’t touch me.”
She heard his amused chuckle and hated him, hated all men. Why did they think girls wanted to be pawed?
Red kept one arm around her waist and cupped her face with his other hand. “You’re so pretty.” He lowered his face toward hers and she squirmed in his grasp.
“No, don’t,” she cried.
“That you, Miss Janella?” Ruth’s voice spoke nearly in her ear.
Red dropped his hands and she moved quickly away from him.
“Who’s with you? I heard you—talking.” Ruth peered around, but Red had melted into the darkness. After a moment they heard the roar of his bike as the motor caught.
“Huh!” Ruth exclaimed. “He was in a hurry to get away. So you got Red on the string, too? Meeting him out here in the dark like this. Don’t think I don’t know why. But I’ll bet Mr. DuBois’d be surprised to find you sneaked outside to meet Red.”
“Ruth, I…”
“Oh, don’t bother to lie to me.” Her voice was heavy with contempt. “I heard every lie there was from that Chris. I thought maybe you’d be different, being the missus’s real niece and all, but you young girls are all alike. If you’re not doing it in his bedroom there in the house, you’re out here in the dark. I saw what you were up to.”
Janella walked away from Ruth. No use trying to explain. Ruth’s accusations made her feel dirty. She wanted to get to her room, barricade the door, and take a shower, wash away the unclean feeling.
The light in the entry wasn’t on, the entire downstairs was in darkness. Janella groped for the light switch. Which wall was it on? She blundered into something—no, someone. Arms went around her, held her, and she screamed, wild, frantic shrieks that hurt her throat.
Chapter Twelve
Janella fought in terror. “No, no,” she repeated, her voice high and shrill. The hands fell away and a light went
on. She looked into Lucien’s surprised face.
“I seem to have a penchant for frightening you,” he said. “What are you doing wandering around in the dark?”
“I—I went for a walk. When I came back in the lights were off. Ruth…”
“She’s gone.”
Janella shook her head. “She was outside. We had a misunderstanding. Ruth…” Her voice trailed off. How could she tell him about Ruth without admitting Red was there?
“Had you gone out to meet someone?”
Janella stared at his impassive face. Did he know?
“You’ve been out both nights since you’ve been here. Is there someone you’re meeting?”
Janella looked away. “No,” she said, and felt color suffuse her face. I really didn’t go out to meet Red, not like Lucien means, she argued to herself, feeling guilty.
Lucien frowned. “I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
Was he thinking of another girl, another time? Where was Chris? Maybe she should ask Lucien now. “I…”
“I’m sorry you had to have supper alone. Perhaps tomorrow…”
Toivi—good grief, she’d forgotten to tell him about Toivi.
“Aunt Toivi had a bad time this morning.”
Instantly he was alert, the pupils in his yellow eyes narrowing. She backed away a little.
“Akki says Toivi’s all right, but I don’t know. I wondered if her heart…”
“Her heart is fine.”
“Well, she clutched at her chest and seemed to faint. Akki took care of her, gave her some medicine, and she went to sleep. But Toivi looked terrible, really ill. Later this evening her color was better, and Akki took food to her.” But did Toivi eat? Have you, been back to check on your aunt at all? Aren’t you being paid to take care of her? Lucien said none of these words but the questions circled in Janella’s mind.
“I—I haven’t been back in to see her since supper,” she admitted to Lucien. “But you must realize Akki is the one who takes care of her while I—I don’t even know for sure what’s wrong with her.” She rushed on, not meeting his eyes. “Akki hints Toivi has a heart problem and you say not. But maybe I don’t understand what Akki means—she talks in Finnish riddles much of the time. Just what is wrong with my aunt? Does she have a doctor?”
Lucien’s face was stiff and tight. I’ve made him angry, she thought.
“I’ll go up with you and make sure Toivi’s all right,” he told her, ignoring her outburst, again not answering her questions.
She took off her coat, forgotten until now.
“Come along,” he ordered, taking her arm and shepherding her up the stairs. At the door to her room, he let go of her arm. “Good night,” he said, his voice cold and formal.
Janella barely kept herself from slamming the door in his face, but she managed to close it gently before flinging herself on the bed and bursting into tears.
Later, wiping water from skin she’d scrubbed pink in the shower, she went over her conversation with Lucien. He hadn’t really believed her, she was sure. He knew she was lying about not meeting anyone. But how could he know she’d met Red? He couldn’t have seen them while driving home, because no cars had gone by while she and Red were walking. Was he spying on her? And why did Lucien ignore her questions about Toivi?
Janella slipped into a long pale-blue nightgown and brushed her hair, watching her reflection in the mirror. Red had called her pretty, wanted to kiss her tonight. But would he find her as attractive if he didn’t need her as a pipeline for possible information about Chris?
Lucien didn’t have to treat her as he’d treated Red, like any employee. She was Toivi’s niece, after all. How had he acted with Chris? If Ruth’s and Red’s insinuations were correct, Lucien hadn’t treated Chris like an employee. He’d been more than friendly with her. Janella shook her head. She wanted to believe that Lucien’s touch had been for her alone, not because she was one of a series of young women he’d brought into the house to make love to. But how could she be sure?
She ought to go home, home to Helen and Arnie. She’d talk to Lucien about leaving, about how Aunt Toivi didn’t need her—if he’d listen. But she remembered Toivi’s eyes fixed pleadingly on her own. “I won’t leave you,” she’d promised her aunt. Could she go? Was it safe to leave Toivi with Akki and Lucien?
There was a knock at the door. She threw a robe over her gown before seeing who it was.
Lucien stood in the doorway. “I won’t keep you, but I know you’re concerned about Toivi. She’s feeling quite well now.” He still spoke formally, but Janella saw a glow in his amber eyes. She’d never been so aware of a man.
Wordlessly, she took a step backward, and as though it had been an invitation, Lucien came into her room. He closed the door behind him. Janella stared at him, frightened and yet attracted.
“I—I’m glad Aunt Toivi is better,” she said, thrusting the words between them.
“You’re lovely,” he said, his voice husky. “So—so untouched. I can’t believe you could be part of her world.”
Janella swallowed, managed to speak. “Toivi? But she is my aunt, we belong to the same family. Is that what you mean?”
“Partly.” He touched her face and his fingers seemed to burn her flesh. “I shouldn’t have brought you here.” He sighed. “Now I can’t let you go.”
She swayed toward him, unable to help herself. But he took his hand away and no longer looked at her.
“There must be a way,” he said, as though to himself.
Janella drew back. What was she thinking of? Aunt Toivi lay ill just across the hall. How could she…
“Good night,” she said stiffly. She tried to add “Uncle Lucien,” but her lips wouldn’t form the words.
“Oh—of course you’re tired.” He hesitated, then added, “I’ll see you tomorrow,” before he turned and left her room.
Janella stood for a moment, hand pressed to her cheek. Her mind was a whirl of confused emotions.
If she could sleep, she’d think better, clearer. First the chair under the doorknob. Don’t wonder about last night—put the chair there, pretend it will stay. Now, in bed, relax. Close your eyes and relax each muscle. But she couldn’t. Her body was as rigid as a steel bar. She thought of Dr. Johnson, the pediatrician she’d worked for, how he’d say to a young patient, “Hey, Tiger, you’re as stiff as the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz. Why don’t you try to be the Scarecrow instead? All I’m going to do is look in your ears, look in your eyes…”
She’d try to be as limp as the Scarecrow. No one was coming to look in her eyes. She just needed sleep. Full of straw, stuffed with straw. No bones, all wobbly, perfectly limp…
There was a little light coming and going. First in her eyes, then away, but she knew it was there, the little light, darting like an inquisitive lit-up bee. First here, then there, to draw information up the tiny column of light. In her eyes. And the buzzing, yes, almost like a bee. Funny, she could hear the words but they didn’t make any difference, didn’t seem important.
“…paha.”
Bad? What was bad? But Janny didn’t care. It was nice not having to care, not worrying.
Then words in another voice, younger. “Is she completely under? She looks so to me. Oh, stop muttering, Akki, and come see her eyes. You know I can’t tell. Is she down far enough?”
Janny was right here in this nice bedroom. The rug felt tickly on her bare feet and she giggled.
“Yes, yes I heard her. She’s gone way back, maybe too far. Let me ask her before we try.”
Then the voice was talking directly to Janny. “Tell me how old you are now, Janny.”
She giggled again. Everybody knew she was six years old. She didn’t feel like talking to the voice yet, so she held up all the fingers of her left hand and one finger of her right.
“Oh God, she’s holding up fingers.”
The tiny light again.
“Kuusi.”
“Yes, I see, Akki. She’s six.”
She nodded her head emphatically. Games were fun. A hand took hers and she walked obediently out of the room and across to another room where a dim light made shadows in the corners. Janny hung back, she was worried about the shadows.
“What’s the matter? Nothing will hurt you, Janny. I won’t let anything hurt you. Come sit in this nice chair and we’ll play a game.”
She’d known all the time, really, the voice was Aunt Toivi—now she could see her and she knew for sure. Aunt Toivi’s games weren’t as much fun as Daddy’s, but Daddy hardly ever played games anymore. And with Mama, it wasn’t a game exactly. Mama would all of a sudden be there, inside with Janny, in her head, and Janny would know new ways to follow the paths without her mother having to tell her. But they couldn’t tell Daddy, Mama always cautioned her. “It’s a secret, Janny. Someday when you’re older and can do more than I, we’ll tell Daddy and surprise him. Someday you’ll be smarter than I am, did you know that?” And Janny laughed because that was impossible.
Aunt Toivi was here now, though, instead of Mama. Mama was gone, all put away with the stiff white flowers. And they’d never tell Daddy because Janny could never be as smart as Mama because who would show her?
“Sit down, Janny,” Aunt Toivi said. Janny sat down in the chair and Aunt Toivi sat in another one across from her and took her hands.
“Will you play this game with me, Janny?”
Was the game like the one Toivi had showed her with the Fog Maiden? When the fog came down from the sky and changed the world into shapelessness, into a gray dream, the Fog Maiden, Terhen Neiti, came too. And she could grant a wish, but it was dangerous to ask. For instead of granting the wish the gray maiden might take you with her, and then you could never be found. But if you called to her and she liked you, knew you as a friend, your wish would be granted. Aunt Toivi made a game of calling the Fog Maiden, a game of not-quite-believing. Until the day when they had walked out on the breakwater and the mist covered the lake and the land and the sky until they couldn’t see their own feet. And the fog horns moaned and called to the ships.
