by Sophie Davis
I tried to keep myself calm, but the closer it came to my departure, the more nervous that I became. Every night after the four of us poured over the Crypto intel, Erik stayed after the other two left. We only ever kissed; he wanted to do more and I wanted that too, but everything in my life was happening so fast right now, so I didn’t think that adding losing my virginity before I left for the Mission was such a good idea. Despite that, if Erik initiated something more, I wouldn’t hesitate in following his lead. The overload of sensations that I felt when Erik just kissed me was so intense, so I couldn’t imagine how I’d feel when we finally did more than kiss.
Being with Erik was just so different than being with Donavon; with him I’d always been wary of getting too physical. Something had always made me hesitant to let him touch me too much, but with Erik, it was like I couldn’t get enough of him. I felt like I could never be close enough to him. If anything Erik was the one holding back; his self-restraint was impressive. I seriously doubted that Erik was used to denying himself, and, as much as I wanted him, I appreciated his effort. In a twisted way, I think it actually made me want him more.
“How are you feeling? Think you’re ready?” Erik asked one night. He was absently winding my curls around his long fingers, as we lay facing each other on my bed.
“Would you think less of me if I said I was terrified?” I asked, tracing the contours of his face.
“Of course not, I was really scared before my Solo Mission too, and it wasn’t nearly as dangerous as this,” he confessed.
“What’d you do?”
“Drown my worries with alcohol and spent the night with a Brain,” he replied. I had a feeling he was serious. Irrational feelings of jealousy washed over me, and I wrinkled my nose in disgust at him.
Over the last several months, I’d noticed the way that girls, and even some boys, looked at Erik. I was well aware of Erik’s reputation, but I thought, or at least hoped, it might be slightly exaggerated. I knew for sure that girls loved Erik, and that Erik loved girls, but I wasn’t clear exactly how many girls Erik had loved. Since our first kiss, I didn’t just notice when girls looked at Erik, I obsessed over it. I’d never been jealous when it came to Donavon, so I was on unfamiliar ground. I tried not to let Erik see that it bothered me. For the most part I don’t think he noticed, but I also thought that for all his talk, Erik might be oblivious to the way people saw him.
“Are you suggesting that I do the same?” I tried to joke, coming back to the conversation.
“Absolutely not, I’m suggesting you drown your worries in me,” he gave me a lazy smile. Beaming, I returned his grin. I knew why girls fell for him – he had a way of looking at you like you were the only person in the world, and it felt amazing.
“Will you stay with me tonight?” I blurted out, without thinking. I wouldn’t be training the next day; it was the last day before I was scheduled to leave, and Henri had insisted that it would be better spent resting, instead of going over details that I could recite in my sleep.
Erik’s eyes widened with surprise, and he looked slightly uncomfortable. “I’m not sure that’s such a great idea. You really need to get as much sleep as you can.”
“But we can sleep in tomorrow,” I suggested, hopefully.
“It’s not that I don’t want to, Talia,” he started, correctly interpreting the undertones in my voice. “I definitely want to spend the night right here with you, sans clothing,” he grinned from ear-to-ear and waggled his eyebrows. I rolled my eyes, even as my heart leapt at his not-so-subtle overture. “Besides, aren’t we spending the evening together in the city tomorrow?” Mac had given Penny and I permission to go into the city after dark, as long as we returned by curfew, so Henri and Erik were going to take us out for dinner and drinks.
“But we won’t be alone tomorrow,” I pointed out. I was being childish and pouty, but I really wanted him to stay.
Erik stopped curling my hair around his fingers. He took my hand and interlaced his fingers with my own, rubbing his thumb back and forth across the center of my palm.
“I know I’m irresistible and all,” he joked. “But seriously, are you sure that you want me to stay?”
“Positive,” I replied, in a confident voice that belied my underlying apprehension. I did want him to stay, wanted it more than I could express, but we hadn’t spent the entire night together before. Well, technically we’d spent a lot of nights together, just not in the same bed. Alone. Touching. My heart swelled at the thought of waking up in his arms.
“Sans clothing?” Erik teased, but I could tell that he was kidding. I really wanted to say yes, but I wouldn’t have been serious and I didn’t want the situation to get awkward.
“I want you to have something to look forward too when I come back,” I said instead. I’d been laying on my side facing him, and he gently pushed me over on to my back, our fingers still intertwined. He kissed me softly at first, and then harder, devouring my mouth. The weight of his body, warm and heavy, on top of mine felt amazing, and I pulled him tighter against me.
“You’ve got yourself a deal, Pledge,” he grinned, when he finally broke off the kiss. I beamed and leaned up to kiss him again, even though I had yet to catch my breath from the last one. Erik gently pushed me back down and shook his head. “There’s no way your clothes are staying on if you keep kissing me like that.” I tried to reach up again, and he gave a deep laugh that I could feel reverberate through his body. He rolled off of me, but didn’t let go completely. I flipped over, turning my back to him, and curled my body into his. He tightened his arms around me and buried his face in my mess of brown curls.
“Erik?” I said, after a minute.
“Hmmm?” he mumbled.
“Thank you for staying, even though we’re keeping our clothes on.” I felt him smile since his cheek was resting on my head. “In all seriousness, I really don’t want to be alone tonight.”
“I know the feeling, Tal. I felt the same way before mine.”
I tried to snuggle closer, even though I was already pressed completely into him. I was too amped up to sleep, from the combination of being so close to Erik and my nerves over the Mission. I knew that I was projecting towards Erik, and tried to control it so that he could get some rest. I guess I was doing a poor job of it, because he gently detangled himself from me and scooted back a couple inches. I assumed that the physical separation would make it easier for him to block my mind, but I sighed with disappointment. Surprisingly, I felt Erik gently roll up the bottom of my tank top and I experienced the now-familiar heart pounding, shortness of breath, and crackles of electricity that shot through me when his skin touched mine. I was, of course, nervous as he started to undress me, but I didn’t want him to stop. Only he did stop, as soon as he’d pushed the back of my shirt up over the place where my bra would have been, had I been wearing one. Suddenly, a thought struck me – Did Erik think I was easy, because I wasn’t wearing a bra?
“There are lots of words I’d use to describe you, Tal, easy is not one of them.” He lazily traced a design on my back. Blood rushed to my face, and my body went rigid.
“Relax, Tal,” he chuckled. He drew undistinguishable shapes up and down my skin. I concentrated on the rhythmic movements of his fingertips, and felt my whole body unwind.
“Erik?” I asked, after his hand had stopped moving and rested gently on my hip.
“I’m awake,” he answered, starting to move his fingers again.
“Can I ask you question?”
“Sure,” his voice was relaxed, but I felt his body tense behind me.
“Why didn’t you go home for Festivis Day?” I asked. His teeth ground together. I knew why Harris didn’t go home – his parents didn’t think being a Talent was a good thing. He’d actually had spent several school breaks with me and Donavon at the McDonough’s house. I also knew why Penny didn’t go home – she didn’t have a real home. Henri never missed an opportunity to spend time with Frederick, so that explained why he�
�d stayed, but it had been nagging at me why Erik had stayed.
“It’s complicated,” he finally answered, his words measured.
“Are your parents still alive?” I pressed.
“My dad and both of my brothers are.” I could tell that he didn’t want to elaborate, and I suddenly realized how little I really knew about Erik, outside of Toxic. Then I remembered something that Penny had told me.
“You didn’t come to the school when you were five, like most kids, right?” Even as I said it, I knew that I was on shaky ground.
“Neither did you.” Well, this was going famously.
“How old were you?” I pried.
“Fourteen.” This was like pulling teeth. I should’ve stopped, but my curiosity was already piqued.
“How did it happen?” I asked.
“It’s complicated,” he repeated. I considered probing his mind, but thought better of it. Before I could open my mouth to ask another intrusive question that he wasn’t going to answer, he pressed his palm flat against my stomach and dragged me into him. He kissed the side of my neck, and I no longer cared that he was being evasive.
“Why the twenty questions?” he whispered, his breath tickling my ear. He nibbled gently on my earlobe. I wiggled closer to him.
“I just want to know you,” I whispered back.
“You do know me, probably better than anyone.” He kissed my neck again. I craned my head around to find his mouth, and I kissed him softly. I looked into his eyes, more green than blue in the dark. His mind was carefully guarded, and I knew that I wasn’t going to get anything out of him tonight.
“Will you tell me one day?” I asked softly. Our faces were so close that my lips brushed his when I spoke.
“One day,” he promised, “When you’re ready to hear it.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Penny came over to my room that afternoon so that we could get ready together, for our night out in the city. I selected a simple, long black-and-white floral dress, and a black to keep my arms and shoulders warm. It was another dress that Gretchen had purchased for me that, I had yet to wear. Penny helped me put on makeup, just enough that I still looked natural. She selected a black head-topper of floral lace from her collection, and fastened it into my long curls. I tried to protest, but Penny argued that we had so few chances to dress up that we might as well take advantage.
For herself, Penny chose a short, navy dress with long, billowy sleeves that wrapped around her slender body and tied on one side of her waist. She managed to sleek her bright red hair into a neat bun, but decided against a head-topper for herself. She looped long chains around her neck and wrists, made of fake gold and pretty glass beads, the same lime-green as her eyes.
I’d seen Penny every night for the last week, but that was strictly business; we hadn’t had a chance to talk about anything except my upcoming solo Hunt. Penny correctly surmised that I didn’t want to talk about that today, so instead she filled me in on all of the details of her rapidly-progressing relationship with Harris. Neither was ready to call the other boyfriend or girlfriend, but they were definitely into each other and moving in that direction.
Penny gently pressed me for details about Erik.
“Is it obvious?” I asked.
“Well . . . yeah. It’s totally obvious when we’re all together. He can’t take his eyes off you, it’s totally hot,” she laughed.
“Do you think Henri knows?” I worried. Dating, or whatever we were doing, wasn’t against the rules or anything, but I worried that Henri still might disapprove.
“Um, I know he knows,” she answered. “Don’t worry he is cool with it.” I smiled. Hopefully that was true.
“I’m so totally jealous,” Penny continued, with a pout.
I laughed, “Jealous? You have Harris!”
“I know and it’s not like I like Erik or anything. Well, I mean I do like him, he’s really cool, and obviously hot, but I don’t like him like him,” she rambled.
“Then why are you jealous?” I laughed again.
“Because every girl talks about him! He’s like the closest thing to famous that we have here!?!”
I didn’t respond right away. That was the problem – I didn’t want a bunch of girls crushing on him. I didn’t want him to have his pick of girls, because then he might not pick me.
“Harris won’t be able to keep his hands off of you in that dress,” I teased, changing the subject.
Penny blushed, “You don’t look so bad yourself.”
Erik was waiting for me in the lobby, with Henri and Harris in tow. He looked amazing, as usual, wearing jeans and a navy-and-white gingham button down. His sleeves were rolled up, showing off his muscled forearms, and the white of the shirt contrasted nicely with his tan skin. His dark hair was getting long and he kept running his hands through it, in a fruitless attempt to push it out of his eyes. I had to resist the urge to run over and kiss him the moment we stepped off of the elevator.
“Hey,” Harris said to Penny, his whole face lighting up with a smile as we approached. She returned his smile with a high-wattage one of her own. He bent down to kiss her on the lips, and jealously twisted knots in my stomach as I watched their interaction. I knew that Erik wouldn’t kiss me in public and, in truth, I didn’t want him to; I definitely wasn’t ready for everyone to know about whatever was going on between us. Still, it hurt that Erik treated me the same way now as he had previously, before we’d started rolling around in my bed together.
“Ready to start the celebration?” Erik asked, a mischievous glint in his eyes.
“Celebration? Shouldn’t we wait to celebrate until she gets back and well, you know, actually passes her solo Hunt?” Penny asked, looking perplexed.
“Nah, we always celebrate before the Solo Mission – it’s just a formality anyway. Once a Pledge gets his solo assignment, it’s pretty much a given that he – or she – will graduate,” Harris explained to her.
“But, I thought Talia’s Hunt was like super dangerous and – ”
“Tonight is a celebration of all her hard work to this point,” Erik cut her off, shooting her a warning look. Erik and Henri knew about my assignment because they’re my teammates, and Penny knew about it because she was part of the Crypto team compiling the intel. No one else knew the specifics of my assignment, and I wanted for it to stay that way.
“Thank you, Erik,” I smiled gratefully up at him. He gave my shoulder a small squeeze, something that he does in public all the time, but he rubbed his thumb across my collarbone before letting go, and I shivered as goosebumps erupted all over my body. Erik suppressed a laugh and blood rushed to my face, coloring my cheeks with embarrassment.
“Let’s get this celebration started,” Henri said, speaking for the first time. I could tell that he wasn’t in a festive mood, but he was trying for my sake.
Henri had been agonizing over my assignment all week, and even tried to talk Mac out of sending me alone, begging Mac for us to go as a team. He’d also been arguing with Erik, because Erik refused to speak to Mac as well. Henri hadn’t actually told me any of this; he was such a strong projector that I’d learned it in practice, when my mind was open to him.
I’d been careful to keep my personal reasons for wanting this Mission to myself. Erik wasn’t fooled; he could tell that there was more to it than I, or Mac, was letting on. He was aware that this assignment was personal for me, but he wasn’t intrusive enough to ask me outright. I guess we both had our secrets.
Frederick was already at the restaurant that Erik had selected when we arrived. He jumped up when he saw us approaching the table, and instead of giving Henri a hug, he folded me in his slender arms.
“I hear that congratulations are in order,” he said excitedly to me.
“Thank you,” I smiled back at him.
Henri ordered pitchers of lemon flavored mixed drinks for all of us to share.
“You’ll love it – gives you a nice drunk, but you won’t have a hangover tomo
rrow,” Henri promised.
Our little group drank all of the pitchers that Henri ordered, and then several additional ones. I tried to eat enough to soak up the alcohol, but I was having such a good time that I let myself drink more than I had the first night I’d met with Penny.
Harris and Penny both had so much to drink, they kept touching and kissing, but in a cute way, not a gross, making-everybody-around-them-sick-to-their-stomach way.
Erik sat next to me, and kept reaching under the table to tickle my side or run his fingers over my leg when nobody was looking. The more I had to drink, the harder it was to keep a straight face when he touched me.
“Stop,” I mentally pleaded with him when he ran his fingers lightly over the crook of my elbow, taking my breath away so that I couldn’t answer a question that Frederick asked.
“You like it,” he insisted.
“They’re going to know.”
“Tal, everybody sitting at this table knows – you have the worst poker face.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Every time that I get close to you, the look on your face is a dead giveaway,” he laughed out loud.
”Mighty full of yourself aren’t you? Maybe whatever look I have on my face has nothing to do with you,” I shot back, trying to sound indignant.
