by Jordan Dane
Nate Holden stepped from the shadows near me and eclipsed the flames, with his face shrouded in darkness.
“Gawd. You scared me,” I gasped.
“But I told you I’d be here.”
I couldn’t see his eyes and I felt the warmth of the fire shift to cold when he stepped between me and the fire pit, but it wasn’t just the sudden chill that made me uncomfortable. Our strange conversation from earlier had been unexpected. I had to admit, being alone in the dark with Nate had me on edge—especially when another frightening thought suddenly occurred to me.
What if Nate had only one reason for finding me in Healy—and it had nothing to do with liking me or wanting to get to know me.
Maybe he’d seen those doctored photos on the internet. Anyone seeing those gross pictures would get the wrong idea about me. They’d think I was a sure thing with a reputation. I didn’t want to believe that Nate would be the kind of guy who’d hit on some strange girl to get laid, but maybe my fantasies about him had been all wrong.
The truth was that I really didn’t know.
“I’m glad you came, Abbey.” His low voice sent shivers over my skin. Only this time, I wasn’t sure they were the good kind. With the flames behind him, his body had an edge of blazing orange that made it look as if he were on fire.
“You’re here.” I forced a smile. “Just like you promised.”
“I never want to lie to you.”
For the first time I noticed how carefully Nate worded everything. Never wanting to lie wasn’t the same as saying he never would lie. I took a deep breath and walked by him toward the fire, hoping he wouldn’t see my uncertainty.
I prayed I hadn’t made a mistake in coming here.
Chapter 8
Smoke off the fire wafted into the night air and faded into the dark like the sound of our voices. I kept my distance and sat across from Nate by the fire pit. When he hadn’t tried to kiss me again, I never thought I’d feel relief over that, but I did, at least for a while. Even as we talked, I struggled with my doubts—about him and me.
What if I’d been right about him being a good guy and now he’d think I acted weird? Had I sabotaged any hope of a relationship with him? But if I let him kiss me and things got heated, could I stop him if I had to? I hated thinking he was a pervert. That went against everything I believed about him. I knew about a couple of girls at school that he dated. They weren’t cheerleader types. He seemed to like “normal” girls with smarts, but maybe that’s why his interest in me seemed wacked. I was in a “lose-lose” situation with no options. I couldn’t explain my behavior without saying embarrassing stuff. Yet if I was wrong about Nate and he turned out to be a perv, I didn’t want to think about how much that would crush me.
Nate must have sensed something in the way I’d been acting from the moment I got there. I’d been guarded, but as we talked I loosened up. He actually seemed interested in what I said, about anything. He listened mostly, which surprised me. Most guys loved to hear the sound of their own voices, but not Nate. He sat across from me, staring with those addictive blue eyes and giving me a glimpse of the occasional shy smile that I couldn’t get enough of.
I’d never noticed before, but he seemed older. The way he talked, the words he used, they were different than I had expected. He had a calmness that made me want to be with him, but other things about Nate were the same as I remembered from school. Whenever he ran a hand through his dark hair—a gesture I’d grown fond of—I pictured helping him. The feel of his curls in my fingers was something I didn’t want to only imagine. I wanted to know how it actually felt.
Being there with him felt like time had stopped. We talked for hours and the crackling fire warmed the bottoms of my boots as I rested my feet on the stones surrounding the pit. When the flames popped embers into the drifting smoke, the orange flickers spiraled up and disappeared into the darkness like the seconds ticking away from our time together.
“Do you kiss every girl you meet in the woods? Or did you try it with me because…”
I stopped from telling him everything. I couldn’t bring myself to say it. If he hadn’t seen the cyber-bully pictures of me on that FarkYourself website, I’d be outing myself. I didn’t know what to do.
“Because why?” he asked.
“Nothing.” I shook my head and forced a smile. “What were you going to say?”
“No, I don’t kiss every girl I meet in the woods. You’re the first, actually.” Nate stared into the flames, with the fire reflected in the cool blue of his eyes. Like fire and ice, he was a contradiction and definitely not easy to read.
“No way,” I said. “A guy like you has plenty of girls who…”
“But they’re not you, Abbey.”
What he said surprised me. Nate could shock me one minute and charm me the next. He had me off balance and I had no idea what to say.
“What makes me so special?” I asked him straight up, without playing it cute. I didn’t need my ego fed. I really wanted to know.
“I see strength in you.” He fixed his gaze on me. “You’re not afraid to be different. Your mother must have loved you a great deal.”
When he brought up my mother again, I glared at him, but he shrugged and said, “You asked me why you’re so special and I told you.”
“But why do you keep coming back to my mother? I don’t get it.”
“Because she’s a big part of who you are…and who you’ll become.”
The things Nate said and how he said them really got to me. He pushed me to think and he caused me to question. I didn’t know whether I should be mad or glad he was here. How did he know what I would become and why did he think I was some big deal? I didn’t feel special.
Nate had a knack for messing with my head. Every time I got comfortable with him, he brought up my mom on purpose, like he had an agenda he hadn’t clued me in on yet. With him keeping me off balance, it made me want to return the favor by asking him something that might rattle him.
“So what scares you?” I asked. “Are you afraid of dying?”
Nate looked as if he struggled with what to say, but eventually he answered me.
“I’m afraid of feeling nothing. An eternity of nothing.”
“Is that what you think death is?”
“No, but I know what… I mean, I can only imagine what an eternity of nothing feels like. It’s my firm belief that death is…or might be a welcomed alternative. Death means a soul had lived in the first place. I appreciate what a blessing that could be.”
“I don’t understand. Are you talking about suicide?” I crossed my arms, unsure I wanted to hear his answer.
“No, of course not. Suicide is something I’ve never understood. To squander life, it’s such a…profound waste.”
“Then what are you talking about? You’re scaring me.”
“I’m sorry. That wasn’t my intention. I’m talking about living, not dying.” He looked up from the fire and fixed his gaze on me. “Life is about feeling absolutely everything. It’s a miracle and a glorious blessing that I’ve come to cherish…recently. Even being able to communicate and speak is—”
I opened my mouth to say something, but he held up a finger and stopped me with one look.
“You asked what scares me and I’m trying to explain. Finding the right words is more difficult for me than you might imagine.” He took a deep breath and moved closer to me as if he intended to confide something special.
The closer he got, the harder it was for me to breathe. He smelled like pine trees and rich soil, a mix of my favorite smells in these woods. With the heat of the fire, I felt dizzy. My eyes fixed on his lips until his hypnotic eyes drew me in.
That’s when he had me.
With his voice low and sweet, he fed my addiction for
him.
“Now that I’ve had a taste of life with its unrestrained joy and even its potential for boundless sorrows, I’m afraid of losing all that.” He touched my cheek with a finger and adrenaline sent shock waves over my skin. “Feeling real passion and experiencing love for the first time, it would be simply cruel to have it taken away. Now that I know what life feels like—the good and the bad of what it can be—an eternity of nothing is what scares me most.”
When he talked about dying being an eternity of nothing, that broke his spell over me like nothing else could have. What he said made me really sad and I couldn’t ignore the guilt that had shaped my life.
“Is that what you think happened to my mother?” This time when he looked across at me, my eyes were filled with tears. “She died and everything good in her got sucked into some black void? Her life meant nothing?”
Even as I said those words, I felt an ache deep in my soul. I had wondered what death would have been like for my mother. I had a hard time believing in any God or heaven that would have taken her from me, but I’d been even more afraid that death was a vast wasteland of nothing with no “do overs.”
“No, that’s not what I meant. I was talking about me.” He shook his head. “Maybe it was my mistake, to envy what I’ve never had. It was too big of a temptation perhaps. But now that I’m here, I can’t go back. I’m not sure I can endure an existence of…nothing. Not anymore.”
I felt so wrapped in my own pain that I had a hard time grasping what he’d said. I knew that had been my fault, but I had to understand.
“Wait a minute. What are you saying?” My voice cracked. “You make it sound like life is nothing but a crapshoot. Whoever is lucky enough to get a chance, they get one shot and one lousy car accident can take that precious gift away.”
“I’m sorry. That’s not what—” He stopped and reached for my hand, but I pulled away. “I was only speaking for me. That’s not what happens when a human soul moves on. When humans die, it’s different.”
“Oh, so now you’re saying you’re not human. Terrific.” I threw up my hands. “Let me guess. You’re Pinocchio, a splinter hazard who dreams of being a real boy.”
“No, I’m human.”
He forced a strained smile, but in the flickering light of the fire, he looked sad as he got to his feet. At first, I thought he would leave, but that didn’t happen. Nate pulled a small knife from his pocket and sliced the palm of his hand before I had a chance to stop him.
“What are you doing? You’re crazy,” I yelled and jumped to my feet, watching blood drip down his wrist.
“I’m human, Abbey. Cut me and I bleed.” He winced. “And if you stop kissing me that would cut me deeper than the knife. You’re the reason I came here.” He lowered his voice until I barely heard him. “Finding the right words hasn’t been easy for me. I hoped you would give me a chance, but I’m afraid that I’ve said or done something so wrong that I’m beyond your forgiveness. For that, I’m deeply sorry.”
Nate turned the tables on me again. I wanted to stay mad, at least enough to get satisfaction from it. But somehow he’d made me feel bad for pushing him. I wanted to get out of there. I could’ve ignored his apology and left without saying another word. That would’ve been the smart thing to do, but playing it smart wasn’t usually my first choice.
Something made me stay and a strong urge took over. Until now, Nate had dictated how our conversations would go. I wanted my turn.
“You wanna talk about my mother. Let’s talk.” When I crossed my arms and turned to face him, Nate had trouble looking at me.
“Perhaps now isn’t the best time,” he said. “You’re upset.”
“Yeah, I’m upset, but I think we should talk about her. I mean, you were the one pushing me to do it, why back off now?”
“You’re not ready to talk about her death. I can see that.” He clenched his jaw. “I think you should go. The sun will be up soon and your father will be worried if he finds you gone.”
“What makes you such an authority on me or my mother, huh?” I stepped closer. “You don’t like me pushing back, do you?”
“It’s not that.”
“You’re nothing like I expected, Nate. And I think you’re right. It’s time for me to go. Don’t bother hanging around here, if that’s what you do. ’Cause it’ll be a waste of your precious time in Nothingville. I’m not comin’ back.”
I turned to leave, but he grabbed my arm, hard.
“No, p-please don’t leave m-me. Something’s h-happening…I c-can’t…” The desperation and pain bleeding through his voice surprised me. It sounded like someone else said it. Even though the words came from his mouth, he looked surprised that he’d said them—surprised enough to lash out.
“What are you doing?” he asked. His voice turned harsh and he wasn’t looking at me. Who was he talking to?
“I’m not doing anything. You grabbed me,” I argued. I pulled away, but he wouldn’t let go. “You’re hurting me.”
Nate gripped my arm tighter, until it hurt real bad. He wouldn’t let go. The fire. The darkness. The blood where he’d cut his own hand. All of it scared me.
“I’m sorry, Abbey. I can’t…” Nate looked down at his hand as if he were willing it to let go. “This isn’t my doing. I swear to you.”
“Let me go, Nate. Please.”
“I’m trying.”
At that moment, I saw something in his eyes that I never expected to see. Fear. Nate’s beautiful eyes were wild, filled with a sudden panic.
“What’s happening to you?” I touched his cheek. “There’s something wrong with your arm…and your voice is different. Talk to me, Nate, please. You’re scaring me.”
“Not…my fault.”
With great effort, he struggled to release his grip. His whole body shook as if he were having a seizure. But before he let go, he leaned in with a pained expression on his face and whispered in my ear.
“Help m-me, Abbey,” his voice cracked. “You’re the only one who c-can.”
Nate’s voice sounded far away like a faint echo in my ear. He looked confused. Something was happening—inside him.
“What’s wrong?” When I reached for his face again, he jerked his head away.
“I’m sorry, Abbey. I truly am, but please…come tomorrow.”
After he let me go, Nate regained his composure, but not enough to look me in the eye. He headed toward the fire, barely looking over his shoulder.
“Tomorrow I’ll be fine. We can talk then, but for now, just go.”
I did as he told me and left. This time, I didn’t look to see if he watched me. I knew he wouldn’t be.
On Denali
Nate jolted awake and his gasp echoed in the icy cavern where he’d passed out next to Josh. His skin was beaded with sweat, despite the cold. And his heart hammered his ribs as his whole body shook, but his shivers weren’t only from the cold. The nightmare that tortured him had been so vivid and strange—especially the knife.
He yanked off a glove and looked down at his hand, stunned. His palm throbbed in pain from a fresh cut with blood draining down his wrist. Although the wound hurt, it wasn’t deep enough to worry about. But the instant the knife cut his skin, Nate felt something push through his body like a jolt of electricity. That adrenaline rush triggered an undeniable reaction in him, but how…and why? He felt split in two.
“This is insane.” He shoved his glove back on.
Everything started with his vague memory of an entity that had highjacked him. He’d dreamed that a malicious spirit had taken over, like a shape-shifter or a body snatcher in a horror flick. His thoughts, his movements, even the things out of his mouth weren’t coming from him. He saw everything happening, but couldn’t stop it. His body felt like a runaway train without b
rakes. No matter what he did to derail what happened, nothing worked until he felt that knife cut his hand. That instant of pain had awakened something. It gave him the courage to fight back harder and grab the girl’s arm.
For a few precious seconds, he’d been in control.
And that girl, the entity had said her name—Abbey Chandler. For some reason, she felt special to him. The spirit’s thoughts were jumbled inside, mixed with his own fears. Nate felt trapped and powerless, a prisoner in a crevasse of ice and held hostage in his own body.
What did it mean? Was he dead?
He grabbed his flashlight and turned toward Josh. While he’d been passed out, Nate was deathly afraid that he’d lost him. He shined the light onto his friend’s slack face. When he saw him still breathing, he heaved a sigh of relief.
“Josh, you’ve gotta wake up. If you can see me, maybe I’m not dead.” Nate reached his gloved hand for Josh’s face. When his friend only groaned and didn’t open his eyes, he said, “Or maybe we’re both dead.”
Their situation had been bad enough, but wondering if they were alive or dead made their ordeal more terrifying.
“Something’s happening,” he pleaded. “We need to talk. Please. I can’t do this alone.”
Nate heard the fear in his voice and hated it. He needed to stay strong and he had to think. He wanted Josh awake, but even if his buddy was coherent, what would he tell him? In his condition, Josh couldn’t help. Anything Nate said to him would only sound out-of-bounds insane. Maybe that spirit was only a delusion, brought on by delirium. He could be sick, too.
Had he dreamed the whole thing? The idea of something slipping into his body and taking over, it sounded crazy if it hadn’t felt so damned real. And Abbey seemed genuine enough. Something about her seemed familiar, yet he couldn’t quite place her in his mind, not with everything he had to deal with. Although he hated scaring her, he needed to get her attention. He had no idea how far to go to break free. He was sure she’d heard him, yet Nate didn’t know what to believe.
