by Eva Brandt
Fuck.
Reaching for Valhalla
Thrandur
Two weeks. Two weeks were not a lot of time for a person to make his peace with the idea of imminent death. But two weeks were all I had, and I knew that from the moment I saw Mathias fall.
No matter what he said, I realized I’d have to give him back the pendant. There was no other way. I couldn’t be so selfish. We needed to buy time and he was far more likely to survive than I was.
And so, I allowed myself two weeks to spend with them and to say my silent goodbyes. On the morning of the fifteenth day, I slid out of my quarters, limping slightly. Dahud and I weren’t sharing a bedroom and I managed to avoid the servants who had already woken up. With great difficulty, I left the manor and made my way into the forest.
Everything was so different here, and not just because it was hotter than in my homeland. The air, the people, the scents… It was all so odd. But I could’ve grown to like it here, if I’d had the chance.
I never would.
Halvar emerged from the bushes, having followed me from the manor. His presence didn’t surprise me. In the past weeks, he’d grown jumpier and more paranoid than before, his wolf closer and closer to the surface. My body might be failing me, but his mind was doing the same to him.
I smiled weakly and sat down on a rock. “You know, whenever I thought about how I was going to die, I didn’t think it would be like this.”
Halvar nodded. Like me, he’d always believed he’d die either on the battle field or of old age. There was no real in between. We’d never considered wasting away due to some kind of mysterious illness, because we’d so rarely gotten sick in our lives.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I wish I were stronger. I wish I didn’t have to leave you with this burden. But I’m afraid Odin’s bloodline can’t help me any longer.”
He didn’t reply. I had a feeling he couldn’t. Sometimes, when he was too lost in the wolf, he had trouble speaking.
I reached for the pendant still dangling against my neck. I felt it pulsing every day now, extracting the poison in my body, trying to fight off the disease that was threatening to consume me. The moment I pulled it off and gave it to Mathias, it would stop protecting me.
I doubted I’d have a week left like Anna had claimed a fortnight ago. I already felt strained and drawn, even with the power of the pendant shielding me. I wasn’t ready to die. I’d found something special here, with an unlikely family, with Halvar, with Dahud, even with Mathias. And then, there was the baby. I’d have liked to at least survive long enough to see him or her be born. But that wasn’t going to happen, and the best thing I could do was to make sure Dahud had someone by her side. That person couldn’t be me.
Halvar stopped me from removing the pendant. Much to my surprise, he managed to make himself speak. “Not here,” he said, his voice raspy and rough. “Not like this.”
I looked deep into his eyes and knew what he meant. “I don’t want her to see,” I protested. “I think it’ll be pretty messy and she’s pregnant.”
“She’s a warrior. She can handle it. It would be worse if you were gone without saying goodbye.”
I couldn’t argue with that and the point became irrelevant anyway when Dahud showed up on her own. Her face was almost as cold as it had been before I’d broken this damn curse that had doomed us all.
“Did you really think I wouldn’t see you leave, Thrandur? You might have been stealthy once, but not anymore.”
I laughed lightly. She was right. The illness had taken more than my health from me. I was no longer the silent warrior I’d once been. It was a miracle I’d reached the forest on my own without breaking something. I blamed it on the pendant. “Maybe I was a little too optimistic, my queen.”
“I don’t think optimism is the right word for it,” she replied. “We’re way past that.”
My fake amusement vanished at the weight of the grief in her words. “How is Mathias?”
“He’s been better. I left his aunt with him when I heard you leave. He didn’t sleep very well last night.”
“No, I suppose he didn’t.”
Mathias’s condition was slower to advance than mine or Halvar’s. It seemed that his muscles only turned to bone when he received an injury of some kind. He’d tried to stay in bed and avoid moving around too much, but unfortunately, the curse seemed to have a mind of its own.
The other day, a servant had dropped a cup on his arm. As a result, Mathias’s arm was now bone as well. If I didn’t hurry, he’d be trapped like that for good.
That didn’t make the sight of my wife’s pain easier to bear. “You understand this is the right thing to do, don’t you, Dahud? I’m not going to live through this. I don’t have a chance.”
Dahud clenched her fists and the grass underneath her feet withered. “I understand,” she said. “This is the price we must pay, isn’t it? The price for my failure.”
“You haven’t failed, love. You did your best. You couldn’t have broken such a powerful curse in the time you had at your disposal.”
“We can still try killing Anna,” Halvar suggested. “She’s the one who cast the spell. It might work.”
“If you had believed that, she’d already be dead. And Mathias or Dahud would’ve known it.”
Dahud didn’t argue with that. I was glad, because I didn’t want to spend my last moments talking about Anna of all people. In fact, now that she was here, I had a different idea.
Since I’d been dying of an illness, I’d known that I’d most likely go to Hel. I hadn’t been too worried about it. I’d have an eternity to bemoan my unjust fate. Besides, arguing with the gods was a futile effort. But perhaps with Dahud’s aid, I could fix that.
“Dahud? Can I ask you for a favor?”
“Of course,” she automatically replied. “What is it?”
“Will you kiss me one last time?” I requested.
She shot me a look of disbelief. “That’s a bad idea, Thrandur,” she answered. “You know it hurts you.”
“It won’t matter once I’m dead. And truthfully, Dahud, I want you to hurt me. I want to die in battle.”
I couldn’t ask Halvar to do it. He might try, for my sake, but in his condition, it would utterly ruin him. Dahud was strong enough and she could shoulder the burden. I trusted her with the weight of my soul. I knew she wouldn’t fail me.
“You’re my queen and my wife. You’re my soulmate. I’ll love you in this life and the next. I believe you can do this. You can take my soul to Valhalla. Even the gods will be able to see that you are worthy of walking among them.”
Dahud’s eyes filled with tears. “Oh, Thrand… I don’t think it works that way.”
It was the first time Dahud called me Thrand and somehow, hearing her use that nickname reassured me. Maybe the battle with Dahud wouldn’t count, because it wouldn’t be real. But life was a battle too, one I would lose to the curse. And I wanted to fall to Dahud’s blade or to her magic. “Please, Dahud. I don’t want to die choking on my own blood. I want to give my life to you.”
I removed the pendant from my neck and threw it to Halvar. He caught it with ease and almost instantly, I noticed the difference. His eyes cleared a little, the glint of insanity melting away into something less powerful.
I didn’t get to enjoy the sight, because a wave of intense pain exploded through me. I’d been right. The curse was hitting me much harder than expected, enacting vengeance for the time it had been held back. I’d broken the dam that had kept it in check and its poison flowed over me in a suffocating, all-encompassing rush of agony. I tried to suppress the screams bubbling in my throat, but I failed. A desperate cry left my lips, one that soon turned into a choked cough. I dropped to my knees, shaking and vomiting blood, practically delirious with pain.
Halvar caressed my hair, and it did more to help me than he realized. I found enough strength to push back the dark magic, if only for a few moments. With shaking fingers, I gripped my blade and
struggled to my feet. Halvar had to help me up, but I managed to stand anyway. My vision was blurry. I could barely see two feet in front of me, but Dahud’s silhouette was still glowing like the moon, like the enchanting goddess she was.
I didn’t ask her to kiss me again. My mouth probably tasted disgusting and I didn’t want her last memory of me to be like this. But maybe she wanted the goodbye anyway, because she retrieved a sharp knife from her boot and said, “Very well. I’ll fulfill your wish. Both of them.”
Despite being a skilled magic user, Dahud was an excellent fighter too. She had hidden her true abilities for most of her life, but I suspected I would’ve had trouble fighting her off even if I’d been at my best.
I was already dying, but I attacked her anyway.
I wanted this to be my last act. I wanted to die in her arms and on her blade, because I’d been born for her. I regretted not being able to fight the curse, but I would never regret meeting her, kissing her, marrying her, being her husband and her soulmate. “I love you, my queen,” I told her as I lunged at her.
She didn’t answer, not at first. She easily dodged my blow, but she didn’t fight back. Was it my impression or were her fingers shaking on her knife?
I wondered if I should say something else, something that would reassure her and tell her that I really wanted this.
I didn’t have to. Dahud always kept her promises, at least to us, and she didn’t disappoint.
A few seconds later, she was standing right in front of me. Tears flowed down her cheeks, but her aim was steady as she buried her blade in my chest. At the same time, she crushed our mouths together in one last kiss.
It was perfect, everything I’d wanted and more. I didn’t know if it would take me to Valhalla, but it would be something I could treasure for eternity, even if I went to Hel.
The world blurred around me. The pain dimmed and my body grew numb. The dark magic destroying me from within finally dissipated now that it had done its duty.
I blinked and when I opened my eyes, I found myself in a bright, indistinct space. Somewhere in the distance, I could spot a white light. Was it a guide meant to take me to Valhalla?
Maybe, but I couldn’t follow it, not yet. Dahud was there too and in front of us was a small crib.
I walked up to her and looked inside. As we watched, the child—the boy—opened his eyes. He let out a tiny gurgle and extended his arms toward us.
Dahud gasped. “Look at that. He has your eyes. Our son… Our son has your eyes.”
I nodded, dazed and in awe at the sight. He did. The little boy looked just like me. This was a gift from the gods. I might never be able to see this child grow up, but at least I’d have this.
It meant more to me than Valhalla ever would.
“I know you’ll be a wonderful mother, Dahud,” I told my wife. “Tell him about me, will you? And make sure Halvar does too. He knows all the embarrassing stories.”
“I’ll remember,” Dahud whispered.
I managed to steal one last kiss from her sweet, cold lips, and then, the light began to drag me away from my loved ones.
Dahud cried out, but I couldn’t cling to her any longer. Sending one last prayer to Odin, I hoped Dahud, Halvar, and Mathias would be all right. It was the last thought I had before everything went black.
* * *
Dahud
After Thrand died, everything was quiet. I felt cold inside. My fingers were sticky with his blood. His body was still slumped motionless on top of me. I wished I’d never started feeling at all.
The only reason why I didn’t collapse and turn the knife on myself was the memory of the child I’d seen in my vision. It was Thrand’s baby, I knew that now. It shouldn’t have made a difference. I would’ve loved him, no matter who had been his father. But somehow, it was important.
This way, even if Thrand was dead, I’d always still have a part of him. The thought kept me from losing my mind, but it couldn’t overpower my grief.
I slid to the ground, all the while placing Thrand’s body down. I didn’t know what to do and what to say. I felt numb.
I’d seen this coming, but now that it had actually happened, it seemed surreal.
Halvar made his way to my side and knelt next to me. He brushed my cheek with his finger, an excruciatingly gentle touch that made me feel even more wretched than before.
“Don’t,” I snapped at him. “Don’t try to comfort me. He’s dead. I killed him.”
Halvar shook his head. “It was his decision. And you didn’t kill him. You freed him. So… Thank you.”
I shot him a look of disbelief. “How can you possibly thank me for something like this?” He had loved Thrand for years before I’d even come into the picture. I’d ruined that. We could’ve had something beautiful and great, but that had never been possible because of the curse on me.
“I should’ve kept my distance from you. I should’ve never dragged you down with me.”
“It was our choice to come here and Thrand never regretted it.”
“And you? Do you regret it?”
“I don’t know,” he replied. “I don’t think I can ever regret meeting you, but at the same time…”
He looked at Thrand’s motionless body and clenched his fists. His claws emerged and the sharp tips dug into his flesh.
Dear gods, what was I doing? I wasn’t supposed to interrogate him now. How could I expect reassurance from him, when he was suffering so much too?
“Come on,” I whispered. “We should get back to the manor. We’ll have to start preparations for the funeral ceremony.”
Halvar nodded and obediently picked Thrand’s corpse up. Together, we trekked back to the manor. It was still early, but the servants were already up and about. The moment they saw us, they paled and froze in their tracks. One of the stable hands was brave enough to ask the question on everyone’s lips. “Your Highness, what…?”
“My husband is dead,” I cut him off coldly. “Start gathering some firewood. I want it freshly chopped, nothing that’s been lying around for days. Bring it to the back of the manor. We will build the pyre there.”
The man looked like he wanted to say something else, but in the end, decided against it. “Yes, Your Highness. Of course.”
They couldn’t have missed the fact that I was covered in Thrand’s blood and still carrying my knife. I’d forgotten to slide it back into my boot. Honestly, I didn’t care what they thought about the whole thing right now. I wanted to collapse into my bed and not have to think about the cruelty of the world. But I couldn’t do that either, since it would mean spitting on Thrand’s sacrifice.
Instead, as soon as we were inside the building, I took the pendant from Halvar. It felt hot in my hand, almost as if it wanted to burn me, but couldn’t make that final step. “I’m going to take this to Mathias. You stay with Thrand, all right?”
Halvar nodded. “We’ll wait for you in his quarters.”
There was no ‘we’ here, not anymore. Thrand’s soul had already left his body. He was forever gone. But I didn’t have the heart to say that. I took the coward’s way out and left, heading toward Mathias’s room.
When I arrived there, I found him awake and trying to read a scroll. With one hand turned to bone, he was struggling, but he’d adjusted and he never complained.
He took one look at my blood-stained dress and bleak face and said, “Ah. Thrandur?”
“Gone,” I answered. I couldn’t recognize the sound of my own voice. I couldn’t understand myself, my life, my actions, or the reason why I was still alive when Thrand was dead.
In a daze, I walked up to Mathias and dropped the pendant on the bed next to him. “This is for you. It will help you control your condition.”
Mathias wordlessly took the pendant in his hand. He didn’t wipe it clean of blood. For a few seconds, he just stared at it, as if asking for the answers we’d never received from anyone. The pendant didn’t reply, and when Mathias put it on, he looked even grimmer than befo
re.
His aunt’s power healed him, just like we had known it would. It didn’t cheer him up in the slightest. I watched the bone withdraw and leave behind healthy skin, but the joy and enthusiasm I felt at the sight was shadowed by the knowledge of what it had cost us.
That afternoon, we stood in the garden of the manor and witnessed Thrand’s funeral ceremony. My parents hadn’t come, not that I’d expected them to. My mother had still deemed Thrand’s disease contagious and they’d undoubtedly wanted to keep their distance from us.
I held a speech, but I couldn’t remember half the words I said. It was all a nonsensical blur and half the time, I had to pause so I wouldn’t lose track of my own train of thought.
It didn’t work, at least not entirely. Halfway through the ceremony, I began to lose coherence. Dark clouds gathered above us. I swayed and steadied myself against the unlit pyre.
“It looks like it’s going to rain,” I said. “We need to proceed with the burning.”
Mathias and Halvar were the ones who placed Thrand’s body on the pyre. Mathias was still weak, but he’d recovered enough to help out. Halvar did most of the work anyway. He was strong enough to manage the whole thing without any help from other people.
I lit the pyre with my own hand. I didn’t bother using a torch at all. I just did it with my magic. If anyone had a problem with that, I’d give him or her a lesson in why it was a bad idea to mess with a grieving witch.
The moment the flames consumed my husband’s body, something inside me withered away and died too. I remembered the way he had held me, his kindness, courage, and strength. I remembered the first time he’d smiled at me, our first kiss.
I remembered his love for Halvar and I thought I was going to throw up.
But I didn’t. I stayed where I was, staring at the pyre, taking in the scent of his burning flesh. The ground shook beneath my feet and a heavy rain started to fall. I looked up and extended my hand. I couldn’t cry, but the sky would do it in my stead. How convenient.
