Just keep going, Iris.
Just keep going.
Tessa spent most of the day in fitful sleep, waking only occasionally. When she came fully awake in the midafternoon, the prior hours felt like a terrible dream of some sort. A blur.
She listened to Nathan’s tearful explanation of what had happened but could not make sense of it. If the Titanic had gone down, why did she not remember it? In the blink of an eye, she had gone from standing on the Boat Deck to lying in a bed aboard the Carpathia, her head swimming. People on every side cried out, many in pain, others overwhelmed with grief for missing loved ones. Tessa’s heart broke as she tried to put the pieces of the puzzle together, but none of this seemed real.
Her questions were many, but the primary one, no one seemed able to answer. “Why, Lord? Why have You spared me when so many others are gone?”
With her thoughts in a whirl, she laid the question to rest until she could think more clearly.
Nathan left the ship’s makeshift hospital after visiting with Tessa, anxious to be of service to the others. Now that Tessa rested comfortably, he felt safe in leaving her to tend to those in need. When he reached the Boat Deck, he saw little Annie playing with a group of children.
Jessie sat nearby in a deck chair, looking on. In spite of her losses, the young woman appeared peaceful as always. Nathan took a few steps in her direction and realized she was humming a familiar melody. A hymn.
She stopped singing and looked up as he drew near. “Nathan.” Jessie offered him a warm smile and gestured for him to sit beside her. “Have you been down to the hospital to see Tessa?”
“Yes. She is much better.”
“Praise the Lord.” Jessie reached over and put her hand on his arm. “I’m so glad. She really cares for you. I’ve known that from the beginning.”
“Really?” This certainly got his attention.
“Of course. Her feelings for you are genuine, Nathan. And so is her heart. She truly longs to live her life in a way that brings honor to God, and I can’t help but think that life will include you.” A smile turned up the edges of Jessie’s lips.
Nathan’s heart flooded with joy at this proclamation. “Thank you. I would love nothing more.”
They grew silent for a moment. Jessie glanced out at the sea, then back at him, tenderness in her expression. “Nathan, I’ve been afraid to ask, but—is there any word of your mother?”
“No.” Nathan shook his head, a lump rising in his throat. “I am afraid that she…” He couldn’t say the words. They would not come.
“I’m so sorry, Nathan.” Jessie’s eyes brimmed with tears. “My heart goes out to you.”
Nathan swallowed hard and closed his eyes to keep from showing too much emotion. In that moment, the entire scene with James Carson played itself out in his memory. He saw himself standing aboard Titanic. Heard James call him “son.” Agonized over the words that were spoken after, words that challenged everything he had ever known—or thought—to be true.
Just as quickly, Nathan forced the images away. He opened his eyes, looked at Jessie, and sighed. “What do you do when you find that everything you once thought was real is not?” he asked. “When everything you counted as true turns out to be false?”
“Then you trust in the One who is the epitome of truth.” She brushed away the lone tear that trickled down her cheek. “He alone has the answers.”
For a moment, Nathan didn’t say anything. Finally, he worked up the courage. “When I think of Mother, my heart is twisted up in knots. I loved her, perhaps more than anyone else. But I saw her flaws as just that. She never hid them from me.”
“There is much to be said for a person who does not pretend to be something—or someone—they are not.”
“True.” He paused to think through Jessie’s words. “My heart is heavy at her loss, but those feelings are all twisted up with anger at her for not telling me the truth. She let me believe…” He bit back the words, unsure how much to share.
“It’s all right, Nathan.” Jessie nodded. “You can tell me.”
And so he did. He shared everything he had learned from James Carson and every emotion that had held him captive since. As he spoke, Jessie remained silent, just listening.
“Mother let me believe that my life, my lineage, was something other than what it truly is.” Nathan rose and paced the deck, finally looking her way. “Not that I would trade places or situations. You have no idea how grateful I am to have the relationship with my father. He has been a rock in my life, a solid foundation.”
“Do you suppose he knows?”
“My gut says he does. And if that’s the case, then he has accepted me as his son all along, knowing the truth.”
Jessie rose and took a few steps in his direction. “He has exemplified Christlikeness then. He sounds like a wonderful man, one to emulate.”
Nathan felt the sting of tears but willed them not to come. “I’ve never known such love and acceptance. But how do we begin again if we are not truly father and son?”
“You are father and son in every way that matters. No doubt he will need you more than ever now.” She gazed into his eyes with such intensity that he felt his heart quicken. “Go to him, Nathan. Walk with him through the grief of losing your mother.”
“He truly loved her, in spite of all of her flaws. And in spite of…” Nathan’s words drifted away on the wind. He raked his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know how he did it, but he loved her in spite of not only her indiscretions but her ongoing fascination with James Carson.”
As he spoke the name of his real father, Nathan felt the breath go out of him. In that moment, all the bitterness he’d felt toward the man faded away, replaced with a strange sense of pity and loss.
“A man can forgive a great many things if the love of God is resident inside of him.” Jessie’s lashes grew damp. “This, I learned from Uncle John.”
Nathan realized those words were meant for him. With the Lord’s help, he would forgive his mother. And James.
“Go home, Nathan,” Jessie said. “Give of your time to your father so that you can both heal. Then prepare yourself for a wonderful life ahead. God has spared you, and you must live a life worthy of the calling. We all must.”
“The calling.” He paused and then shrugged, gazing off to the sea. “What has He called me to do?”
“To love others.” Jessie gestured to the crowd of people surrounding them. “And that’s exactly what I know you will do.”
From across the deck, Nathan heard the sound of laughter as the children played. He glanced over to see a little girl.
Manca.
His heart quickened and he took a few steps closer to get a better look. Yes, the same little girl—a bit more disheveled, perhaps, but with the same happy smile. She danced and played, this time with Annie.
From across the deck, Manca’s father appeared and took her by the hand. As always, he danced with her, spinning her around the deck of the Carpathia as if nothing had happened, as if they had their whole lives ahead of them—hopeful, joyous lives, unencumbered by tragedy.
At just the right moment, the little girl noticed Nathan and offered a shy smile. He took several steps in her direction, knowing that the language barrier would prevent him from speaking his heart. Still, he could say all he needed to with a warm embrace.
With joy overflowing, he swept the youngster into his arms.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Wednesday, April 17, 1912
White Star Line Offices, Southampton, England
Jacquie remained at the hotel in Southampton for the next two days with her mother at her side. Their conversations shifted in and out from sheer relief to angry accusations and shouts. The fact that Mother would even still talk to her, after all she had done, was a miracle in itself. She would forever thank God for the opportunity to begin again.
Together, they braved the call to Father, who wept with open abandon upon hearing that she had not actually
boarded the Titanic. This, of course, was followed by the grim news that she had sent Tessa and Iris in her place. Father’s silence upon hearing this had been deafening. There would be much to sort out once Jacquie arrived back at Abingdon Manor, but at least her parents wanted her back. For that, she was truly grateful.
In the wee hours of the night, as she lay awake praying for Tessa and Iris, Jacquie found herself knotted up on the inside. If only she could go back in time just a week or two. She would change everything. Especially now, knowing that Peter did not care as deeply for her as he had once implied.
Peter.
Her heart still twisted within her as she thought about him, but those emotions were now intrinsically tied to Tessa and Iris. She prayed harder than ever that God would see fit to spare them, in part so that Peter could go on with his life, free from guilt.
On the afternoon of the seventeenth, the desk clerk sent word to Jacquie’s room that a survivor list had been posted at the White Star Line offices. With her chest tight, Jacquie and her mother made the journey on foot alongside dozens of others and waited in line until they were at the front.
Only when she put her finger on Tessa’s name did she feel life might be worth living again. And when she found Iris’s name listed below it, Jacquie finally found herself free to breathe once more. She flung herself into her mother’s arms and wept, relief washing over her like the morning tide. Life had offered her a chance to begin again. This time she would get it right.
Wednesday, April 17, 1912
Carpathia’s Dining Room
Iris worked to the point of exhaustion. The evening before the Carpathia was set to arrive in New York Harbor, she could hardly keep her eyes open. And yet she must. There were decisions to be made. Where to live, specifically. Going to Jacquie’s grandmother’s home no longer made sense. In light of the tragedy, she should figure out a new plan. Edith had offered to take her in, and that idea held some appeal. Still, settling apart from Tessa just felt wrong. No, until Tessa recovered—fully recovered—she would not leave her side.
Iris found herself leaning on her new friend William more and more as the hours went by, listening to his advice and gleaning from the information he shared about New York.
“Things are going to be chaotic when we arrive,” he said as they settled into chairs in the dining hall. “I’ve heard that all sorts of people are standing by, ready to be of help. The Red Cross is there, along with other relief societies.”
“Where will all these people go?” Iris asked, gesturing to the roomful of passengers. “What about the poor mothers who have lost their husbands? They have no source of income. No way to survive. They can’t afford to pay rent.”
“The captain told us that the Municipal Lodging House has opened its doors. They have room for seven hundred. They will be providing food and shelter to any survivors in need.”
Iris felt some sense of relief at this news. Still, with so many grieving around her, any small sense of relief felt like a betrayal.
“There’s no way to know how many families are affected,” William said. “But we must be prepared for a huge crowd when we reach the dock. Ambulances. Reporters. Family members. It’s going to be more overwhelming than we know.” He flashed a concerned glance her way. “I need to know that you are all right. Will you promise to stay in touch?”
“I—I will.”
“Thank you. I want you to feel free to call on me, should the need arise.”
She nodded, overwhelmed by his generosity and kind nature. Truly, if even a fraction of the people in New York were as kind as William Kenney, she would get along just fine.
Thursday, April 18, 1912
Nearing New York
On the morning of the eighteenth, Nathan managed to send a wire to his father. Sharing the news about Mother was the hardest thing he had ever done. It took every ounce of strength to get the words out. Nathan couldn’t even imagine what his father must be going through. Soon. Soon they would be together and could grieve alongside one another.
While onboard, Nathan knew he must remain focused on what he could do to help. He worked tirelessly alongside Margaret Brown to help raise funds and to care for the sick. Many of the wounded would require surgery when they arrived in New York. Others wandered the ship in a daze, as if in a dream. Still others—mostly the children—went back to life as normal, as if nothing had happened. Oh, if only he could do the same.
Tessa, his precious Tessa, continued to improve. With her fever gone, she could finally take a bit of nourishment. Once he got her home, he would tend to her every need until she was fully recovered.
Home.
What a blissful word. Once he reached his home, he could think more clearly. Put these awful memories behind him.
Of course, not all of it had been bad. He thought back to all the wonderful moments onboard Titanic—those wonderful moments, gazing over the railing, basking in God’s presence. Meeting new friends like Tessa. And John Harper, that wonderful, godly man who had shared God’s love until the very end.
For the first time in over a week, Nathan found himself thinking about that elusive girl in blue—the one he had seen first at the opera and then again onboard Titanic that first day. Had she survived? There had been no sign of her on the Carpathia. Surely only the worst could be assumed. She seemed a phantom now, only an illusion. Perhaps she had never existed at all.
Right now he needed to focus on the people in front of him, the ones who truly did exist: Tessa. Iris. Jessie. Annie. They were his to care for, and he would do so with all the love and compassion the Lord had placed inside of him.
For days, Tessa had rested in the makeshift hospital while those around her tended to the needs of others, but on the afternoon of the eighteenth, she rose, washed her face, and did what she could to be of service to those less fortunate.
Nathan still hovered over her, of course. In fact, she couldn’t convince him to let her do much on her own. His caring nature and obvious love for her brought feelings of warmth and security like she had never known before.
Yes, she had known such feelings. Peter had cared for her well-being, had he not? Enough to send her off to a new life. She must get word to him as quickly as possible, must let him know that she was alive and well. No doubt he was sick with worry. As soon as they got settled in New York, she would do so.
As they drew near to the harbor in New York, her heart raced. Tessa joined Nathan, Iris, and William on the upper deck, looking on as the ship reached the shore. Jessie stood nearby, keeping a watchful eye on Annie, who played with little Manca. Tessa gasped as the Statue of Liberty came into view.
“Oh, Nathan! She’s—she’s beautiful.”
“Strong and triumphant,” he said. “Just like you.”
Tessa nodded, feeling that same sense of strength rise up within her. She continued to look out across the landscape, taking in the tall buildings, the shoreline, and finally, the harbor. When they arrived, the Carpathia sailed past her own Cunard pier, making her way to drop off Titanic’s lifeboats at the White Star Line pier.
Tessa’s breath caught in her throat as she watched the lifeboats being lowered. Though she had repressed the memories of that terrible night, they resurfaced in a moment as she saw the boats coming down. Her eyes filled with tears, and she leaned into Nathan to keep from showing her emotion publicly.
He held her close, speaking soothing words over her. She felt his tender kiss on her brow and glanced his way, now trembling. In that moment, his lips met hers for a kiss so sweet that she thought her heart might take flight. There, in the arms of the man she loved, Tessa felt security like she had never known before. She held him close, determined to never let go.
When Carpathia returned to her own pier, excitement welled up inside of her. Even from a great distance she could see the crowd, could hear their cries as the ship approached.
“Have you ever seen anything like it?” She pointed to a line of limousines that ran all the way down the ave
nue and beyond what could be seen from their vantage point.
William gestured to the vehicles. “Captain says that Mrs. Vanderbilt spent the day telephoning friends, asking them for use of their automobiles,” he said. “Many of our passengers will need transportation.”
“Well, God bless Mrs. Vanderbilt.” Iris offered a smile then looped her arm through William’s.
“I also heard that the Pennsylvania Railroad has sent representatives to the pier,” William said. “There will be a special train of nine cars to carry passengers to Philadelphia or points west of there. For free, I mean. No cost.”
Tessa could hardly believe their generosity. “People really are kind at times like these.”
If she hadn’t believed it before, she certainly did by the time they left the ship. From the minute Tessa’s feet touched down on solid ground, she was surrounded on all sides by well-wishers offering their help. She tried to respond as best she could but found it difficult to speak.
Through the crowd, a man in an expensive suit pressed his way through, sprinting toward Nathan. Only when he flung his arms around him and called out the word “Son!” did Tessa realize who he was.
In that moment, she thought about her own father and wondered what he was doing. How he was doing. She pictured Mum’s face and felt a strange sense of longing. Interesting, how the pain of the past could fade in such a way, replaced with hopeful feelings about the future.
With Nathan’s hand in hers, she faced his father, her emotions welling. After a brief introduction, the older man pulled her into their embrace. After a warm hug he offered her a tearful smile, followed by words so sweet they would’ve made the angels sing: “Let’s go home.”
Turning to slip her arm through Nathan’s, she prepared to do just that.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
May 11, 1912
Abingdon Manor, Richmond, England
Queen of the Waves Page 26
