by Nina Levine
I moved to where she was standing and draped my arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer to me. Looking down at her, I murmured, “So, just for future reference, if I cancel on you, I’m up for whatever you decide?”
She wrapped her arm around my waist, and we walked into the cafe together. “Yes! Finally, a man who gets it,” she said, triumphantly.
Harlow looked up as we entered, just as Madison made her declaration. “What does he get?” she asked.
Madison let me go and moved to hug Harlow. “He gets that I call the shots if he cancels on me.”
“Oh honey, I think you have your brother wrapped around your little finger. Blade might be in charge of everything else in his life, but not so much where you’re concerned. He’d do anything for you.”
I jerked my thumb in Harlow’s direction. “She might be onto something there.”
Madison hit me with a look that made most of the shit I’d been through in my life worthwhile. Having her as my sister had changed me in ways no one else had ever been able to, not even Ashley. Madison made me want to be a better man. I was buried under a million fucking layers of darkness, and I’d embraced that for most of my life, but with her in it, I was trying hard to find a way out from under the murky depths.
She watched me watch her, and then, on a sigh, she said, “Okay, big brother, time to get your wallet out. I want pancakes and coffee today, and no skimping on the ice-cream and whipped cream.”
As I pulled my wallet out, I asked, “Cream and ice-cream?”
“Of course.” She shrugged. “Why not?”
Harlow interjected, “A girl needs a pick-me-up after her brother ditches her.” She winked at me as she said this.
I shook my head and muttered, “Once. I cancelled on you once.”
Madison continued to rib me. “And let the record show that you won’t do it again. Right?”
This type of exchange wasn’t something I was used to. Kidding around didn’t come easily to me, but Madison had been teaching me how. I played along with her. “Right. Especially not if it means you’ll resort to ice-cream and cream at eight o’clock in the morning.”
Madison and Harlow burst out laughing as I just stood there shaking my head at their antics. I lifted my chin at Harlow. “Make it two coffees.”
Harlow had worked out my moods and read me perfectly well now: I was done with the joking around. She nodded in agreement. “Done.”
I moved to sit and Madison followed. As we did this, Scott entered the cafe. His focus was entirely on Harlow. He didn’t see us. We both watched him, though, as he and Harlow discussed something. It looked serious, and I wondered about that, especially as they’d recently moved in together.
Turning to Madison, I asked, “All good in paradise?”
“As far as I know, yes. But that looks pretty intense, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“Maybe Harlow’s finally worked out that Scott’s not the perfect man she thought he was. Living with someone can do that.”
I frowned. “Are you and J okay?” I’d never stop worrying about her, and god fucking help him if he ever screwed her over.
“Yes, but you know what it’s like when you do day in, day out with someone. It’s hard sometimes. There are days I could kill J, and I’m sure he feels the same way.”
I thought about that, remembering back to when I lived with Ashley. She was the only woman I’d ever lived with. “Ashley used to hate the way I cooked.” It was out before I had time to even filter it, and Madison was straight on it.
Her eyes widened in surprise. I never spoke about Ashley. “Why?” she asked softly.
I took a deep breath. This was the last thing I wanted to be discussing this morning. “She said I made too much of a mess, and she would have preferred I washed up as I went.”
She listened but didn’t say anything, and then she reminded me of one of the reasons I loved her; she let it go. Turning her attention back to Scott, she asked, “Have you spoken to him lately?”
“No.”
“Will you?” Her question was short, but her eyes held all the words she hadn’t spoken. She was worried about him.
I nodded slowly, hesitant to commit but wanting to put her mind at ease. “Yeah, I’ll touch base with him, babe.”
Her chest rose on a sigh, and some of the worry eased out of her expression. “Thank you.”
“J doesn’t tell me much about what’s going on, and Scott’s never around to talk to, so I don’t really know what’s happening. I hate what Griff’s done to the club; to Scott and the boys. And I hate not knowing what they’re going through.”
I shifted forward slightly in my seat so I could bring my gaze closer to hers. “When a friend betrays you like that, it’s not something you ever recover from. Not for a long time, anyway. And I know women like to talk about that shit over and fucking over, but a man doesn’t want to rehash the betrayal, babe. I doubt you’ll get J talking about it anytime soon, at least not with the kind of details you’re looking for, so I suggest you let it go and just be there for him.” I said what I had to say and then settled back in my seat, hoping she’d take it in.
“Why don’t you have a woman?” she asked, throwing me with the sudden change in direction.
“I had a woman.” My shoulders tensed as I answered her.
“Yeah, but why don’t you date now? You give me all this advice about men and women, and you seem to know your shit, so any woman you date is going to be lucky.” Her voice softened. “Ashley was awhile ago, Blade. Don’t you think it’s time for you to move on?”
“Are we talking dating or are we talking fucking? ‘Cause I’ve got one of those covered, and I’m not interested in the other.” My voice had hardened, and I couldn’t control that as much as I may have wanted to.
“I worry about you,” she said, concern clear in her tone.
“Don’t worry about me. I can look out for myself; been doing it my whole fucking life.”
“I know you have, but you’ve got me in your life now, and it’s my job as your sister to worry and make sure you’re okay. I think you should reconsider the dating thing.”
Keeping myself under control around Madison was something I worked hard at. I didn’t bother with anyone else, except my mother. However, she was pushing me today, and I feared I was about to snap. My tone was hard and firm when I said, “Madison, it’s not going to happen.”
She opened her mouth to say something, but I silenced her with a glare. After a moment, she said, “Okay, I’ll let it be for now, but I’ll revisit this at some point. Someone’s gotta push you and I know you don’t have anyone else who is game, so it looks like it has to be me.”
At that moment, Harlow came over with our coffees and pancakes. I looked up at her. “Thank you.”
She smiled. “Anytime.”
I watched as she made her way back to where Scott was waiting for her. He looked our way and nodded at me before giving his attention back to Harlow.
Madison drew me back to our conversation. “Did you hear what I said?”
“Yes, and I have no doubt you’ll do what you said, but babe, you need to know Ashley was everything to me, and I’ve never met a woman since who even came close.”
“But how are you going to know if you’re so closed off to it?”
“I’ll know. Trust me, when a woman has what Ashley had, I’ll fucking know.”
She took that in, and finally acknowledged what I’d said. “She must have been pretty special.”
Memories flooded my mind and pierced my heart. Fuck, they still managed to do that even now, and I feared they always would. “She was.” I took a moment to get the words out. “She was the kindest, gentlest woman I’ve ever met who had a heart of gold. She accepted me and accepted what I did, but challenged me to do better. She dragged me out of that shit, and set me on a new path. If it wasn’t for her, I’d still be in deep.”
Madison leant across the table and reached for my hand. “I
think you’re amazing, Blade. You’re too hard on yourself sometimes.”
Fuck, if only she knew the half of it.
I pulled my hand away from hers. “I’m not, and if you knew the truth about me you wouldn’t think that,” I snapped.
She knew I was angry now, but she wasn’t the type of woman who was easily affected by that. Having grown up surrounded by bikers would have taught her how to handle herself. She fixed a dirty glare on me and said, “Well, perhaps if you shared more about yourself with me, I would be able to show you that nothing you tell me would make me see you any differently. I love you and accept you for who you are; all of it, the good and the bad.”
I was done with fucking deep and meaningful for the day. Pointing at her pancakes, I said, “Eat up, I’ve got shit to do today, and discussing my feelings is not on that list.”
She huffed at me but did as I said.
We sat in silence until Scott joined us a few moments later. Eyeing me, he asked, “You heard from Marcus recently?”
“No,” I replied, taking in the dark circles under his eyes and exhausted features.
“Me either,” he murmured, deep in thought. “We should have a sit-down soon, go over where we’re all at with this.”
“Yeah. Work out a time with the boys and let me know.”
“You free tomorrow morning? My house.”
“Yeah, eight good for you?”
He nodded, then looked at Madison, and asked, “You okay?”
“Yes, apart from having brothers who don’t tell me shit,” she answered with a glare.
Frustration crossed Scott’s face. “Right, I’m out of here. See you tomorrow.”
As she watched him go, Madison blew out a long breath. They frustrated each other, and yet I could easily see the love and concern they shared. Madison’s was more obvious, but Scott’s was just as deep; he just showed it in his own way. Growing up, I would have done anything to have that kind of love in my life. Funny how the universe conspires endlessly against some people . . . but I’d fought back and took what I could when I had the opportunity. Having Madison’s love now was something I was grateful for, and I’d always do everything necessary to keep it. Showing her my true self would almost guarantee the loss of that love, though, and I wasn’t willing to take that gamble.
***
The rest of my day went fairly smoothly. That was, until Merrick broke news to me that pissed me off. We’d been going through my appointments for today and tomorrow when he paused for a moment before continuing in a slightly pained voice, “I’ve heard rumblings that Phil Deacon wants a shot at the Hurley construction job. Apparently, he’ll be bidding for it, and has made threats that he’ll do whatever it takes to win it over you.”
Our construction company was a huge part of our organisation these days. It was one of the areas we’d branched into after we walked away from drugs and prostitution years ago. The Hurley job was massive, and I didn’t intend for us to lose it.
I began pacing the room. Phil was a loose cannon; one never knew entirely what his next move would be. We’d have to tread carefully where he was concerned, because the fucker wasn’t afraid of using dirty tricks or violence to get what he wanted. “Keep an eye on him. I refuse to lose the job to him so I imagine it’ll get dirty for awhile.”
Merrick nodded. “Yeah, I figured. I’ll put Ben on him.”
Ben was a good choice: brilliant at what he did and not afraid to take whatever action was needed to ensure our end goals were met. “Good.”
I stopped pacing, my mood shifting as control eased back into me. “Has my mother called?”
A frown creased his forehead. “No. Doesn’t she usually call your direct number?”
“Yes, but I just realised I didn’t hear from her yesterday. Figured she may have called you instead.”
Understanding flickered in his eyes. “I’m sure she’s alright.”
“I’ll phone her, make sure.” My mother phoned me every day, checking in and letting me know she was okay. She’d started doing it when Marcus stopped seeing her late last year. I’d been surprised as fuck when he’d made that move, and I had to admit I’d been waiting for the day he changed his mind. She’d been distraught when he’d stopped seeing her, and I knew she’d fall at his feet whenever he said the word. For her to miss a call made me consider the possibility he’d taken her back.
As he left, Merrick added, “You’re a good man.”
I scoffed. “Hardly.” What the fuck was up with people telling me this shit today?
“Sure, we’ve been through some shit over the years, but this work we’re doing now is good.”
“Don’t let it fool you, Merrick. The good doesn’t negate the bad. And it certainly doesn’t make me a good person.”
He raised his eyebrows, the look on his face one of irritation. “I see things a little differently from you, Blade.”
He walked out of the room, and I sat back at my desk. Surveying my office, I thought back to when we started doing this work. The day Merrick and I took matters into our own hands was burned into my memory. Ashley had been the catalyst of that, had shown me the truth of the lie I’d been living up until that point. It had been a bloody battle that day; a battle I hadn’t hesitated to take charge of and do whatever was necessary to ensure victory. Justice had been served to the one who had wronged so many. The fact Ashley wasn’t here to witness the results of everything we’d put in motion that day broke my fucking heart. But it just reminded me life had a way of taking the good and fucking with it when you least expected it. All you could do was savour what you had, while you had it, and hope like hell you kept it for a long time.
***
My childhood memories weren’t happy ones. As I watched my mother lie to me the next morning, I recalled similar situations from when I was younger. I’d lost count of the number of times I begged her to stop seeing my father, and I’d lost count of the number of lies she’d told me when she agreed she would tell him to go. I knew she didn’t lie to me intentionally. She lied to herself as well. There were a few times she did follow through and kick him out, but within a couple of months, he was always back.
Theirs was such a dysfunctional love. I could never work out why they clung to each other like they did. The moments where I glimpsed tenderness between them gave me hope, but it was always short-lived, until the day when I was a teen and I decided enough was enough. I decided there had to be more to love than false hope and bullshit promises. If the person you loved couldn’t be there for you always, they weren’t worthy of your time or your affection.
It had been over a year since Marcus stopped seeing my mother. She’d grieved the loss of him, and I hoped she’d grown stronger through that experience; strong enough to say no to him the day he showed up again, back at her door. He’d stayed away longer than I thought he would, but I was sure he was back now. However, mum was denying it.
“Why aren’t you telling me the truth?” I demanded, a lifetime of anger flaring up.
“I am telling you the truth! Yes, he came around, but no, I won’t take him back,” she pleaded with me to believe her. She’d cried wolf one too many times, though.
“What promises did he make you this time?”
She didn’t answer me. She just began folding the laundry sitting on the kitchen table in front of her. A dead fucking giveaway she was avoiding the truth.
I slammed my hand down on the table so hard it moved. She jumped, and the fear I saw in her eyes hurt like hell. I would never fucking hurt her but Marcus had, over and over, to the point where any little threat scared the fuck out of her. “Fuck!” I roared, “I fucking hate what he has done to us.” I rubbed the back of my neck and began pacing the small kitchen.
“Donovan, I know you think I’m weak and that I’ll go back to Marcus at the drop of a hat, but this time I won’t. Yes, I’m weak. I always have been.” Her voice caught at that admission and my heart broke a little more for her. She turned her distraught gaze to me an
d bared her heart. “He promised me he would leave her; finally, after all these years. And that he would stop being so violent. I’m not taking him back, but it feels like I’m walking away from something I put my whole life into, and just when I can have what I’ve always wished for, I’m saying no. Do you know how hard that is?”
She was so fucking close to freedom; if he screwed with that, I would fucking move the plan up and take the bastard out myself. It was, after all, what I’d always planned to do. And to watch my father suffer at my hands would fill me with the deepest fucking satisfaction I’d ever felt.
My voice was low and controlled when I spoke. If I didn’t control it, I would explode at her. “I want so much more for you, Mum. I understand that back when you had me, you had no family to support you, so you thought sticking with Marcus was the right thing, but now you have me. I can give you anything you need or want.”
“You can’t give me the one thing I need: the love of a man,” she whispered.
The roar between my ears was deafening, and I lost my fight to control myself. “Marcus wouldn’t fucking know love if it smacked him in the face!” I yelled, wild at him, at her, and at the fucking injustice of a world full of hateful people. “Can you not fucking see that?” I hated swearing at my mother but I couldn’t help it today. I needed to get out of here before I lost my shit completely.
She began crying, and I wanted to smash my fists into the wall. All the anger and frustration inside me threatened to spill over, and I clenched and unclenched my fists over and over in an effort to stop myself.
“I know I should see that, but I can’t bring myself to move past the feelings I’ve had for him for so long.” She was sobbing now. My mother had been fucked up by her father, and those sins had set her on this fucked-up path she couldn’t find a way out from.
I pulled her to me and held her. My hand smoothed her hair over and over as she clung to me. When her sobbing had subsided, I murmured, “If you need me, any time of the day, you call me. If he keeps harassing you and won’t leave if you ask him to, you call me. I don’t care what I’m doing; I will come to you if you need me. Yeah?”
