by Autumn Reed
“You do?”
“Yeah.” He sighed. “I’m pretty sure it has something to do with Chase and Liam kissing you.”
I nearly snorted water out my nose. “You know about that?”
Theo took my hand and held it gently, his eyes compassionate yet seeking. “We all do.”
“Let’s rewind a second. You all know?” I listed each of their names aloud and Theo nodded.
I clamped my eyes shut, pinching the bridge of my nose in a futile attempt to fight the headache building. “And . . . and you kissed me anyway? Even knowing that?”
Theo shrugged. “What can I say? I couldn’t help myself.”
He at least had the decency to give me a sheepish grin, but the uncomfortable silence that followed was disconcerting. In the past, when Theo was nervous, he tended to talk more, not less.
“I have a confession to make.” Theo drew a deep breath. “I’ve liked you since the day we met. You were adorable, and confused, and shy. You looked ridiculous in Ethan’s clothes, and yet, I was immediately captivated by you.
“There were so many times I tried to play it off like I just liked you, not liked you, but it was all an act. I went half-crazy at my birthday party; all I wanted to do was kiss you in front of everyone, but I settled for a chaste peck on the cheek. After the break-in at Zenith, I wanted to hold you in my arms and never let you go. Every time you pranced around the loft in those sexy little PJs with the short shorts, I about lost my mind. Honestly, I deserve a freaking medal for my self-restraint.
“You’re my partner in crime, and I always have fun with you. Simply having you in the loft baking cookies or reading or laughing at my stupid jokes . . . I loved every second of it.
“But, the problem was—and still is—that I wasn’t the only one. We all feel that way about you. So . . . five boys, one girl . . . what to do, what to do.” Theo wiggled his eyebrows playfully.
Surprise wasn’t a strong enough reaction. More like jaw-dropping shock. “Were my pajamas really that short?”
He laughed. “Out of everything I said, that’s what you want to know?”
“No, I’m just too astounded to say anything else right now.”
“They were short enough to drive me crazy, and that’s all I will say on the subject.”
I bit my lip to hold back a smile. “Okay.”
“Living without you these past few months, especially after knowing where you were, required a Herculean act of willpower. And, trust me, living with you and not kissing you or telling you how I felt was damn near impossible. But I’d rather have you around, even just as friends, than continue living like this.”
“Theo . . .”
“Don’t say anything, not yet. I, we,” he emphasized, “have a solution.”
Even as my head doubted the possibility, my heart fluttered wildly.
“We want you to come home . . . and we want you to date us. All of us. Well, any of us that you’re interested in, that is.”
This time, I actually felt my jaw drop. “You what?”
“Knox, Jackson, Chase, Liam, and I want you to come home. And, if you so desire, we want you to date us.”
“You want me to date all of you? At the same time?” I knew I must have been looking at Theo like he had three heads, but I couldn’t help it. It seemed like every word that came out of his mouth since we sat down was unexpected, times one thousand.
He nodded.
“And, then what? Watch as the team implodes?”
“Wow, the guys tease me for being dramatic.” His forced grinned did nothing to defuse the tension. “Look, I know it sounds crazy, but we’ve had a lot of time to discuss it. None of us want to lose you, but we also agree that it’s not fair to any of us—or you—to keep up the ‘no dating’ pact. And, we can’t ask you to choose one of us when you haven’t even had a chance to date any of us. So, we think you should date all of us.”
“That sounds like a terrible idea.” A terribly tempting idea, I thought, before quickly pushing it out of my mind.
Theo ran his hand through his hair, reminding me of Knox, and prompting my next question. “Knox and Jackson are in favor of this plan, for lack of a better word?”
“Oh, yeah. Definitely even Jackson and Knox.”
As much as I tried to process his words, they simply didn't compute. I knew Chase and Liam were interested in more than friendship, at least at one time. But, Knox and Jackson? I didn’t see that coming at all.
“Think about it. Not dating you was an epic failure. Living apart . . . well, that’s just unacceptable. So, what are we left with?”
He’d probably intended it as a rhetorical question, but I responded anyway. “Oh, I don’t know, maybe dating one guy, not five?”
“That’s an option.” He leaned back in his chair. “Are you ready to make that choice?”
That was the dilemma, as ever. As wrong as it seemed to have feelings for more than one of them, it felt impossible not to. But, what they were offering had to be the worst idea ever. Right?
The waiter appeared with our desserts, and I couldn’t have been more grateful for the interruption. I dug into my vanilla bean cheesecake, losing myself in the creamy and decadent slice. Theo seemed equally absorbed by his chocolate and stout cake, attempting minimal small talk before paying the check.
The silence during the drive back to the guest house was deafening. After twenty long minutes, Theo pulled to the curb, and I opened my door before he could put the car in park.
“Goodnight, thanks for dinner,” I called as I shut the car door.
Unfortunately, Theo refused to take the hint, and I heard footsteps behind me on the driveway. I sped up, dreading the moment I’d have to face him even as I acknowledged that my behavior was ridiculous.
“Haley, wait up a minute. At least let me walk you to the door.”
Keys in hand, I reluctantly slowed my pace but prepared several excuses if he asked to come in. When we finally reached the guest house, Theo angled himself so he blocked the front door. I fiddled with my keys, wishing I could dart inside.
“Clearly, that was a lot to take in, but you’re freaking me out. I feel like you’re going to bolt again.”
I shifted on my feet. “I’m not going anywhere,” I said defensively.
“Are you sure? Because it certainly seems like you’re shutting down and walking away from me.” The pain in his voice pierced my heart, and I forced myself to meet his eyes. A mixture of sadness and fear clouded his features, reminding me that Theo was no stranger to abandonment. In that moment, I wished more than anything that I could go back and undo all the hurt I caused him when I left Santa Cruz.
“Theo.” I reached out to him. He walked into my open arms and held me close. “I am so sorry.”
With our arms still wrapped around each other, he put his nose to mine, looking me straight in the eyes. “I know you are, and I know you believed you were doing the right thing. I just wish you had talked to me before you left. Maybe we could have avoided all of this and simply skipped to the fun part.”
“What’s the fun part?”
“Kissing, duh.” He grinned.
“Theo, I don’t . . .”
“Don’t worry, cupcake. I know you’re not ready, and I’m prepared to wait as long as it takes. Just promise me one thing.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “Promise me you’ll come find me if you’re tempted to vanish again.”
I placed my hands on his cheeks and stared into his eyes, pouring my soul into my words. “I promise.”
Losing Control
Knox pulled into a gravel parking lot and stopped the rental near a trail map. When he’d asked me to go running, I pictured my typical route around the neighborhood. It wasn’t until he showed up this morning and ushered me into the SUV that I realized he had something else in mind.
As we started jogging on a surprisingly well-maintained path, I couldn’t help but think back to the short hike Knox and I took outside of Santa Cruz. The trees in these wood
s weren’t as impressive as the redwoods, but the forest was still lush and beautiful.
“This reminds me a lot of that trail we walked after riding Black Beauty.”
“It’s the black beast, as you well know. And, I agree about the trail.” His lips raised in a satisfied grin. “That’s why I picked it.”
“How did you even find this place?”
“I had plenty of time to explore while you were working, and ignoring me and Theo, the last two days.”
“Right,” I replied, annoyed with myself. Ever since Theo dropped the bomb on me about what he, Knox, Chase, Liam, and Jackson had discussed, and supposedly agreed to, I’d been doing a pretty decent job of avoiding the brothers.
That’s right, brothers. Who both want to date me. That right there sounded like a disaster waiting to happen. Add Chase, Liam, and Jackson into the mix—epic catastrophe. How could I possibly survive it unscathed? And, more importantly, how could they?
The last thing I wanted to do was cause even more problems within Team Jaguar. They were each other’s family. And, as much as I longed to be a member of that family, I didn’t know if it was possible, especially because of what happened with Ethan. Ever since finding out he left the team for good, he was like a ghost, haunting my every waking moment. I wasn’t sure whether he blamed me for his decision to walk away from the guys, but it didn’t matter. I blamed myself enough for the both of us.
Instinctively, I quickened my pace. I sensed Knox’s desire to question me, but he merely sped up to stay beside me. That was one of the things I loved about Knox; he knew when to back off and let me be.
Wait. Love? No, I didn’t mean it like that, I tried to convince myself.
I was so freaking conflicted, it wasn’t even funny.
The more I tried to clear my mind, the less control I had over my thoughts, and memories crashed into me. Chase’s sweet and perfect kiss on Christmas Eve and the look on his face when he asked me to be his girlfriend. Cuddling in the basement with Knox while watching Arrow. His amazing bear hugs that felt like being wrapped up in a security blanket. The flour fight with Liam and his seductive kiss in the pool. His incessant flirting that had somehow transformed from annoying to endearing. Jackson’s husky voice saying, You’re beautiful, sweet, intelligent, and way too tempting. And, Theo. How could I ever pick only a moment or two? He had the uncanny ability to make me happy every time I was near him.
Increasing my speed once again, I almost relished the pain in my lungs as I fought for breath. Knox called my name from behind me, but I ignored him. I pushed my body like I could outrun my inner turmoil and the hurt I’d caused. Like I could outrun the ache in my chest urging me to go home, consequences be damned.
Stumbling, I sprawled on the ground and sucked in gulps of air. Feeling like the weight of the world had shoved me down, I didn’t move, didn’t know if I could.
Knox knelt beside me and helped me sit up. “Where are you hurt?”
“No-nowhere,” I gasped out, still unable to get my breathing under control.
Knox cupped my face in his large hands. “Look at me, sweetheart.”
I met his concerned green eyes. “Good. Now, breathe in . . . breathe out . . . breathe in . . . breathe out.” He repeated his quiet instructions until my body caught on and started following the calming pattern.
When I was finally breathing normally again, Knox pulled me onto his lap and inspected my exposed skin. With the gentlest of touches, he brushed dirt and tiny rocks from my knees and hands, dabbing at a few spots of blood with the edge of his T-shirt.
“Are you okay?”
“They’re just scratches,” I replied, intentionally misinterpreting his question. It was obvious to both of us that my minor fall didn’t cause the panic attack.
“Are you up to walking a little?”
I nodded.
With what must have taken impressive core strength, Knox stood and lifted me up at the same time. We walked in silence for a few minutes before he led me off the path to a small clearing in front of a stream. Seated on the damp grass, I inhaled the scents of cedar and moss and noticed the distant sound of a woodpecker at work. It was such a peaceful spot, it was difficult to believe we were still in the middle of Portland.
“Do you want to tell me what happened back there?” Knox’s voice was soft, coaxing even.
“Not really.”
“Will you anyway?”
I watched the ripples in the water as it flowed over stones and small branches. “I don’t know if I can.”
“Okay, then let me say something first. I’m sure what Theo told you the other night must have come as a shock. It’s not exactly how I wanted you to find out that I have feelings for you, but I’m glad you finally know.”
At Knox’s words, I forced my gaze to meet his. He had the kind of face I could stare at for hours and never get bored of. It was appealing in a way that was more rugged than pretty, and with those piercing green eyes, I often felt like he could see right through me.
“Honestly, it’s kind of hard to believe you think of me like that.”
He chuckled. “Then you haven’t been paying attention.”
“There have been little signs, sure, but any of those could have been interpreted as friendship. You’re a protector by nature. It was inevitable that we’d get close living in the same house.”
“Does that mean you don’t think of me like that?”
“Are you kidding? I would have to be crazy not to.” My face heated at the passionate tone of my denial.
“Good.” He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “Because it’s important to me that you not feel pressured into anything. If you want to date all of us, we’re ready. If you want to date only some or none of us, we’ll accept that too. It’s in your hands.”
“You realize it’s an insane idea, don’t you?”
“Yes and no.” He looked off into the distance, as though he needed to gather his thoughts. “We got to know you, and you us, under unusual circumstances. We each formed a bond with you without the pressure of a romantic relationship. But, that didn’t mean we weren’t struggling with our attraction to you. We just, for the most part, chose to ignore it. Now, we’ve all agreed that we can’t ignore it anymore. We don’t want to.”
“That doesn’t mean that me dating five guys is a good idea. Guys who happen to be best friends.”
“If I ask you something, will you swear to answer honestly?” When I didn’t immediately respond, he insisted, “Swear it, Haley.”
“Okay, okay, I swear.”
“If you had to choose one of us right now, could you do it? Don’t answer right away. I want you to think about it.”
And think about it, I did. It was a question that had plagued me many times since first realizing I had feelings for “my guys.” I closed my eyes and tried to picture myself with each of them. Was there one I wanted more than the others? Could I pick Chase over Theo? No. Theo over Liam? Still, no. Liam over Jackson? Maybe, if I had to make a decision today. But, that was only because Jackson had always kept me at arm’s length by comparison. I was undoubtedly intrigued by him and extremely attracted to him. Could I choose Knox over Theo, Liam, or Chase? No, no, no.
“No, I couldn’t.”
“Then, give us a chance to win you over.”
I shook my head. “I can’t. I just . . . can’t.”
Knox took my hand and held it in both of his. “Would it help to talk to Chase, Jax, and Liam? You can call them, or they would fly up here in a split second. They’d be here now if we weren’t worried about overwhelming you.”
“No, it’s fine. Talking to them won’t change my mind.”
“Then, tell me what will.”
“Nothing. I refuse to cause another rift in the team.”
“Another?”
I chewed on my lower lip. It’s now or never, Haley.
“I knew about Ethan quitting the team before you told me the other night. Actually, I knew before I left Santa Cr
uz.”
Knox gaped at me, an unexpected departure from his usual poker face. “He told you?”
“No, I overheard part of your conversation with Jackson in the garage the night Ethan filed the paperwork. I didn’t mean to listen in, but I was checking the security feed, and . . .” I shrugged.
“Is that the real reason you left? Because Ethan quit the team?” Dismay was evident in his voice.
“Part of it. That and Douglas.”
“Ethan’s idiotic decision to quit wasn’t about you,” he growled.
“Wasn’t it, though? You even said something along those lines to Jackson.”
“I did?”
“Yes.”
He ran his fingers roughly through his hair. “Damn it, I barely even remember what we talked about that night, I was so pissed off.”
“That’s not all,” I said, ready to get the worst part over with. “A few nights before, Ethan showed up at the loft. He said that he wanted us to be together, and I told him no.”
“Shit.”
My eyes filled with tears. “I had no idea what he was going to do. If I’d known, I would have tried to stop him, I would have—”
Knox wrapped me into a hug. “Shhh, Haley. It wasn’t your fault. None of this was your fault.”
After a few moments, I pulled back. “You don’t know that. See, this is why I can’t date all of you. What if it happens again? Or something worse?”
“Look, I’m not going to insult your intelligence by pretending that you turning Ethan down a few days before he quit is a coincidence, but I believe there’s more to the story. I hunted him down the day before his resignation was official, and he was a mess. Bitter and angry and . . . I don’t know, not the Ethan we all used to know. As amazing as you are,” he said with an almost-grin, “I don’t think for one second all of that was about you. There’s something else going on with him.”
“You really think so?” A small amount of weight lifted from my chest. Was it possible that Ethan’s leaving truly wasn’t about me?
“I do. Even if your rejection was part of it, you can’t blame yourself.” His expression hardened. “Ethan should have been mature enough to deal with it. You are not responsible for his stupid decisions.”
