*****
One question was resolved in Anne’s mind by the morning: she would have it out with John, one way or the other, once and for all. No time like the present, but it was a while before she could get him alone in a secluded corner of the garden, away from risk of interruption. Then she wound herself up, forced herself to an appearance of calm, sat deliberately a few feet away from him and took a deep breath. “John, we’ve got to have a serious talk.”
“That sounds ominous. What about?”
“Look, how long have we been going out together?”
“Must be a couple of years now. Yes, easily that. What of it?”
“It’s been very nice, and your people have been marvellous, but we don’t seem to be getting anywhere.”
“I suppose not. I’d have taken you to bed any time, only you wouldn’t have it.”
“Don’t be exasperating, John. I’m not talking about sex. Not that it isn’t important; I’ve wanted you more than I can tell. No, let me finish. I don’t want just a casual fling or even a ‘stable relationship’ (horrible term, sounds like something to do with horses). What I want is ‘to have and to hold, for better or worse, till death us do part’ and all that. The full works. If you can’t or won’t give it to me, then I’m very sorry, dear, but I don’t think I can bear to go on as we are.”
John took a moment to answer; it seemed like an age. “Good lord.”
“Is that all you can say?”
“Well, no, but I was just stunned.”
“Why? Is it such a novel idea.”
“Not at all. I’ve wanted it too, almost from the start, but couldn’t bring myself to ask.”
“Why ever not?”
“Partly for something like what Brian was talking about last night - a fear of committing myself. I couldn’t give myself up completely.”
“No one can, in one go. Every couple has to work at it. And in any case there are always other responsibilities. But what was the other reason?”
“Well, you may not believe this, but I was simply too scared.”
“Scared? Of me?”
“In a way, yes. You seemed so cool, so content with the situation as it was. So I had to force myself to be the same - that damned English stiff upper lip. I was terrified you’d say ‘No’.”
“Idiot!” And for a while it was neither necessary nor possible to say anything.
Towards Sunset (third edition) Page 8
