by Kallysten
“You didn’t have to do that,” she said, gesturing at the bed.
I shrugged but didn’t reply and kept focused on my task.
“I truly didn’t know you were here,” she added after a moment, her voice very low. “If I had…”
I glanced at her when she didn’t finish. “If you had known, you wouldn’t have come?”
It was her turn to shrug. A fleeting smile crossed her lips. “Mary can be a pain sometimes.”
On that, we could agree. I tugged at the sheet, straightening it before tucking in the side. She watched me without offering to help, and I was grateful that she was keeping her distance.
“Long ago, I made Mary a promise.” She sounded tense now, enough so that I looked at her again, curious as to why she was so troubled. “She reminded me when I went upstairs, asked me to hold it. She can be very persuasive.”
I answered with a little snort. Mary had never hesitated to manipulate her Childer. It was always for our own good, she claimed. I’d learned to say no, but I supposed Leticia hadn’t.
And so I stood there and listened as, painstakingly, struggling with each word and never quite meeting my eyes, Leticia told me she had never loved me. Not as a vampire, which I already knew. Not as a human, which I didn’t.
I tried to forget her words as soon as their meaning reached my conscious mind. Who would want to remember the moment when they learned some of the happiest years of their life had been nothing but a lie?
I didn’t say a word when she was done. I picked up my jacket and my suitcase and approached the door, hoping she’d let me through without adding anything. Of course, she did.
“I’m sorry. I wish—”
I didn’t give a damn what she wished. Not anymore. “Get out of my way.”
She stepped aside. I left the apartment without a look back. I hoped I never had to see her again.
The limo was waiting by the elevator when I reached the parking lot. The driver took my suitcase and opened the passenger door for me. I froze, one foot already in the limo, when I saw that Mary was inside.
“Come in,” she said with a pained smile. “I promise you can rant at me all you want and I won’t say a word.”
I felt too numb to resist. I climbed in and sat down across from her. The car started. The chauffeur asked where we were going. True to her word, Mary didn’t say anything and merely looked at me questioningly.
“Just drive,” I replied, and closed my eyes.
For a while, the car moved to the stop and go rhythm of the city’s traffic lights; my mind did the same. My memory insisted on bringing me back centuries into the past, to the time I had spent with a human woman whom I had thought loved me as much as I loved her, and I had to keep interrupting those thoughts and reminding myself: it had all been a lie. When the car reached a highway and started running faster and more smoothly, I looked at Mary.
“You knew.”
She nodded.
“Since when?”
Her jaw tensed before she replied, and I braced myself for an answer I knew I wouldn’t like.
“A couple of nights after I sired her.”
I thought about it for a few seconds. A couple of nights after Leticia had become a vampire… That was the time when she had moved out of my bed, out of my life, really. Questions burned my lips. Why had Mary kept this from me for so long? Why had Leticia told Mary when she hadn’t told me? Why had she played that charade, pretended to love me?
That last one, I could figure out for myself. She had stopped pretending after being turned; that had to be what she had wanted from me.
With that realization, a new question seared my mind. Would things have been any different if I had sired her myself? I hadn’t felt ready when she had asked; I was little more than a fledgling myself. That was why Mary—
Another flash of insight hit me. I blinked, my eyes focusing again on her. “Did she ask you to turn her?”
For three hundred years, I had believed Mary had turned her for me. To make me happy. But now—
“She did.”
Now I could see it. When I had refused to turn her, Leticia had asked someone else. For a second, I could only wonder why she had wanted so much to become a vampire, but I dismissed the thought. I would never know, and I didn’t care to know. Leticia had used me, used my feelings for her. It didn’t matter why she had. Her reasons didn’t change anything.
“You should have told me.”
Mary didn’t flinch under my accusing glare, realizing, maybe, that she was only the recipient of my anger by default.
“I was afraid that if I told you, you’d never get close to anyone again. Loneliness has driven more than one vamp to madness.”
I closed my eyes again, returning to my past, reviewing three centuries’ worth of encounters or relationships that had lasted for a few nights or a few years. Would it have changed anything if I had thought that my first real love had only seen me as a means to an end? Would I have asked myself, upon meeting other women, if they were like her?
Of course everything would have been different. Even now, that revelation changed everything.
“Don’t,” Mary said softly.
“Don’t what?” My voice was so cold that I barely recognized it.
I opened my eyes to see her lean forward in her seat. She rested her arms on her knees. “Don’t close yourself off like that. Just because she didn’t love you, it doesn’t mean no woman ever did.”
A bitter laugh burned my throat. “You can’t know that. And neither can I. They all asked, in the end. All asked to be turned—”
She reached over and rested her hand on my knee, squeezing lightly. “To be with you. To have more years to love—”
I jerked out of her touch. “You can’t know that,” I said again.
“And you can’t know that I’m wrong, either.” She reclined on the car seat, hands resting on either side of her on the leather. Her gaze hardened. “You can’t know it unless you go and ask one of them.”
I shook my head. I understood now, why she had demanded that Leticia tell me, after all these years. “I’m not going back to Haventown.”
“Aren’t you?” Her sudden grin bared her teeth; she had rarely seemed so dangerous. “So you don’t want to know if Virginia really loved you or if all she wanted was a Sire, then?”
I argued that even if I talked to her, she could very well lie to me; that even if she didn’t want to be turned, she could still have been using me; that a few words would change nothing.
In the end, though, when the car stopped and the chauffeur opened the passenger door, when I saw we were at the airport, I remembered something I always forgot too easily: Mary knew me inside and out.
I was on the first plane that left that night for California. By midday the next day, I was driving into Haventown.
Thinking back, I’m not sure what I expected would happen. Part of me wanted to get as far away from New York as I could. Away from Leticia and her lies. Away from Mary and her scheming. Away from everyone I had ever known. But then, another part needed the reassurance that Mary had dangled in front of me. Until I knew, with a reasonable degree of certainty, that I hadn’t been wrong about all the women in my life, I didn’t think I’d be able to look at anyone without seeing potential lies.
A problem remained; when I talked to her, how would I know if Virginia was telling the truth? The thought bounced through my mind, but I still had no answer when I reached Haventown.
I rented a car at the airport. The coat of special paint on the windows blocked out sunlight but still allowed me to see outside. I wished now that I hadn’t been so quick in putting my house and car up for sale. I had been so sure I wouldn’t be back…
As much as I wanted to talk to Virginia right away, it would have to wait, if for no other reason that I didn’t know where she worked. I checked into a hotel just a few blocks from where she lived, caught a couple of hours of sleep, then drove to her apartment building. I parked across the
street, where I couldn’t miss her coming in or out. There, I waited.
I had no idea what I would tell her. I also had no clue how I’d decide if she was anything other than truthful. I would figure it out when the time came, I thought. That was how our relationship had always worked: one step at a time.
It was a little after six when a bus stopped just a few yards from my car. I swallowed hard when Virginia appeared. Oblivious to my presence, she walked right by my car and stopped on the edge of the crosswalk, waiting for the light to change.
I had decided to talk to her as soon as possible, but as was so often the case with our plans, I changed my mind when I saw her. She was wearing slack pants, flat shoes and a jacket over a blouse, which couldn’t have been more different from the clothes she had worn every time we had met at the club, and yet… She turned her face in my direction before crossing the street, and I felt a pang of yearning. If I went to her now, I would kiss her. I wanted her too much to be able to resist. Where would that lead us, though? It wasn’t why I had come back. I’d need to get a grip on myself before I approached her.
The second plan I came up with was to wait in front of her building to see if she would go out and party. It was Friday night; she had often come to On The Edge on Fridays. I figured that if she went there or to another club, if I followed her to find her in the arms of another vampire, I would have my answer without needing to talk to her.
At a quarter past one, she hadn’t come out again. I strongly doubted she would go out that night. I might as well get some rest and calm down before I decided what to do.
I drove back to my hotel, and as I gave the keys to the valet, I changed my mind again. Virginia hadn’t gone to the club that night, but she might have gone the previous night, or a week earlier. If someone had seen her there, they might be able to tell me if she had been seeing anyone. I was reasonably certain the bartender, Leo, would remember her.
My mind feverish, I walked to the club. I didn’t know what I wanted to hear. Would I rather be told she had replaced me or that she hadn’t been back? In the first case, it would be easy to draw a conclusion. In the second, I still wouldn’t know, one way or the other.
It felt strange to be back when I had been so sure I wouldn’t return. Even though it was already very late, the club was busy. I managed to find a seat at the bar. At once, Leo approached, his face set on a grim expression.
“Finally back, huh? Dirty wine?”
His hand was already reaching for a long-stemmed wine glass. I shook my head. Blood and wine had often been my drink of choice, but tonight I needed something stronger.
“Scotch. Make it a double.”
If he was surprised, he didn’t show it. He picked up a square glass and walked away for a second to fill it. When he returned, he placed it in front of me and watched me down half of it in one gulp.
“You don’t look too happy,” he said, cocking his head to one side. “Regretting leaving her behind, already?”
I stared at him, unable to say a word. I felt as though I had just been doused in icy water. He stared right back until another customer hailed him. He went to refill her glass, shared a few words and a smile with her. When he returned, I had regained enough control on myself to ask, “Has she been back?”
He shook his head once. “No, not as far as I know.”
My relief was short lived when he added, “Not in a while, at least.”
I forced my teeth to unclench. “How long is a while?”
An edge of exasperation sharpened his voice. “I haven’t been keeping notes. The last time she came, it was to give me her phone number so I could call her if you returned.” He pulled a cell phone from his jeans pocket and flipped it open. “Speaking of which…”
“Don’t!” I tried to grab his phone as he thumbed through some options, but he took a step back, getting out of my reach. Horrified, I watched him bring the phone to his ear. Maybe she wouldn’t pick up. It was so late, surely he’d get her answering machine rather than—
“Evening, Virginia. It’s Leo from On The Edge. Sorry to be calling so late.”
He kept his eyes on me as he spoke to her, as though daring me to leave. I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t move. I wasn’t ready to see her yet, not by far, but I couldn’t run either, not if she was coming.
Would she be coming? The question filled my entire mind and I listened to Leo, anxious to know what Virginia was saying.
“Yes, he is,” Leo was saying. “Right in front of me. He was asking about you, but he doesn’t look too glad I called you.”
He listened for a moment, then said, “I will,” before he turned off the phone and shoved it back in his pocket.
“You will what?” I asked, pushing the words past my dry throat.
Leo’s lips stretched into a faint smile. “Tell you she’s on her way.”
I suddenly remembered the glass in my tight hand and brought it to my lips. The alcohol burned as it slid down my throat, but it did little to thaw the ice that was keeping me so still.
“Why?” I asked, meeting Leo’s eyes again.
He snorted incredulously. “If you can’t figure out why she’s coming, you’re even more hopeless than I thought.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head once. “Why did you call her?”
He took the empty glass from me and refilled it before he answered. “Because she asked me to,” he said, very quiet. “And because you look just as miserable as she did.” He leaned down, crossing his arms over the counter and giving me a serious look. “It’s not any of my business why you went away, but you’ve got to know it hurt her. Badly.”
I looked into my glass then brought it to my lips, though I did little more than wet them with the scotch. “I know,” I replied, and I wished I hadn’t sounded so guilty to my own ears.
“Don’t play with her,” Leo added, just a touch of warning to his words. “She’s a nice girl. She deserves better than that.”
With that, he seemed to remember that other patrons were waiting for him, and he returned to his job.
Still captivated by the swirling amber in my glass, I tried to focus. How much time had passed since the phone call? Was Virginia dressed already? Had she left her apartment? Was she on her way, just two blocks away, maybe even just one? Was she about to enter the club?
I glanced at the entrance, and was almost surprised not to see her there.
Maybe she had changed her mind. Maybe she had decided, after hanging up the phone, that it wasn’t worth it. She had been hurt. I had hurt her. Surely, it would be safer if she kept away from me.
Surely, it would be kinder if I kept away from her.
I had come back intending nothing more than to ask her a question—did she really, truly love me?—before I left again. It hadn’t occurred to me until that second that I would give her false hopes, if she really felt that way. That I would break her heart a second time, for no other purpose than to make myself feel better. Was I really so selfish?
I finished my second glass in one long gulp and paid for my drinks. I stood, my decision made. Leticia and her lies, Mary and her scheming, Leo and his reproaches—they could all be damned. I could take care of myself. I didn’t need anyone to try to influence me. I didn’t need to be told I had made a mistake—or dozens of them. I just needed…
“Virginia.”
She reached the bar just as I was about to leave it. My heart jumped to my throat when I found myself in front of her. I didn’t realize I had spoken her name until she smiled in response.
“Anando.”
A flash of guilt rushed through me. I had to make her understand before it was too late; before she started hoping for things that couldn’t be. “I’m not back,” I blurted out.
Her smile faltered, though it didn’t entirely disappear. “You could have fooled me.”
I didn’t know what to reply. I could only stand there, my feet glued to the floor, unable to tear my eyes off her. She was wearing faded jeans and a hooded swea
tshirt. No make up, no jewelry, messy hair and still sleepy eyes… As beautiful as ever.
“Would you like to sit down with me?” she asked, a little uncertain, after we had been standing like that for long, awkward seconds.
Words were beyond me. I barely managed a nod. She slowly, delicately took my hand in hers, and when I didn’t pull it free, she led me to one of the booths in the back. We sat on either side of the table, facing each other. I couldn’t tear my gaze off her.
I think it was then that I started realizing it; leaving again wouldn’t be as easy as I had thought.
A waitress came by. Virginia asked for a coffee. I didn’t want anything. I’d had too much to drink, already.
For a few minutes, we did nothing more than look at each other. How strange to have come so far to talk to her, to have such important questions for her, yet to be unable to say a word. I didn’t know anymore if I’d ever ask her, as plainly as I had imagined doing, if she loved me. If she did, it would only be cruel to ask. Just because someone else had been cruel to me was no reason to be cruel to her.
Only when the waitress had returned and Virginia had taken a sip from her cup did she finally ask with a faint smile, “So, how long have you not been back?”
I averted my eyes, turning them to the bar in the center of the room. Leo was serving a customer, but as he finished, he threw a glance in our direction.
“I arrived today,” I grudgingly replied.
“I see.” She took another sip. “And were you going to come and see me?”
“I was planning to, yes, but...” I sighed. I didn’t like that little hopeful light in her eyes; I had better extinguish it right away. “I’m not here to start anything again with you.”
The light wavered but did not wink out of existence. Her coffee cup made a light clinking sound when she put it down on the table. “Why are you, then?”
