“I love you, Daddy, and I love when you love me,” I whispered, spitting the last word and plunging the knife deep into his heart.
I watched as the life left his eyes quickly before I turned on my heel and walked out of the room, down the stairs and out the backdoor. I never wanted to see Wayne Ainsworth’s face again.
My eyes opened with a start, my breathing ragged as another nightmare plagued me, keeping me from sleep. Every night for the past week I had only managed to get two to three hours of sleep before my father haunted my dreams and woke me up.
Sometimes the nightmares were of him finishing the job, as if Zander had never saved me. Sometimes they were just me reliving his execution, plunging the knife into his heart over and over again and sometimes, like tonight, I watched as his face morphed into my own and I was the one torturing a young and helpless slave. I shook the thoughts from my head and wiped the tears from my eyes. Something had happened to me in that room and I knew I was never going to be the same again.
I hadn’t left my bed since Zander had brought me home and the only people I would allow in were Mildred and Jenny. They brought me food and made sure I was bathing and eating, but I wouldn’t let them speak. If I tried to tell them what happened, if I told them I feared I was turning into the spawn of my father, I would crumble into a million pieces.
I knew Zander wasn’t going to be patient for much longer, and after the events of that night at Nathan’s house, his father’s will shouldn’t have bothered me anymore, but it did. It cut just as deeply as when I shoved that knife through my father’s heart. I didn’t want to look at him, knowing that even though I was madly and truly in love with the man, he was just using me to get some money.
A commotion sounded outside the door and I pulled myself up into a sitting position and listened.
“She is MY wife Jennifer, and this is MY house. If I want to go in there, you are not going to fucking stop me!” Zander shouted.
“Would you lower your voice? She’s probably still sleeping,” Jenny scolded back.
“Then she’s damn well going to wake up and talk to me. This is getting ridiculous. I’ve given her a fucking week, but now she needs to talk.”
The door slammed open and Zander marched inside, stopping abruptly when he saw me sitting up and staring at him, one eyebrow raised at his more than rude entrance.
“Get out.” My voice was level and cool, completely contradictory to the torment I felt inside by seeing his face.
“No,” he growled. “You’re going to talk to me Phoenix. Right now.”
I folded my arms over my chest and looked away from him. “No.”
The bed dipped as Zander sat down next to me and grabbed my chin to look at him.
“This is still my house, and you are still my slave, and when I say we are going to talk, we are damn sure going to have this conversation.”
I shot daggers from my eyes at him, and the words I didn’t want to reveal came tumbling out.
“I’m sorry to have ruined your perfect fucking plans, Master, but you’re just going to have to find another slave to bid on, fall in love with you and complete your tasks,” I spat, glaring at him knowingly.
He released my chin and his mouth dropped open. Of all the things he expected me to say, this was certainly not even in the realm of possibilities. I smiled inside just a little at being able to shock this man.
“Phoenix--I”
“Save it,” I put up my hand,”I know I’m nothing but a fucking pawn to you. I’ve read your father’s will, and it will be a cold day in hell before I ever tell the High Council how much I love you.”
“Little bird,” he whispered, but I cut him off. The nickname brought up too many painful memories, and even though I was still furious with him, it didn’t mean I didn’t still love him.
“Just, get out,” I seethed.
“As you wish,” he replied, getting off the bed and walking towards the open door. He turned and looked at me, sighing before he shut it and walked away.
The tears fell down my face as rapidly as a rushing waterfall and I couldn’t stop them. He hadn’t even tried to rebuke the claims I made against him, and twice I had inadvertently slipped and told him I loved him. I grabbed my stuffed phoenix and hugged it tightly to my body as it soaked up my tears and whisked me away into another nightmare filled sleep.
Chapter 26
Zander
I crumpled up the will in my hands and chucked it into the fire, downing another glass of vodka and sitting down behind my desk. I was a stupid fucking idiot, and now Phoenix knew it as well. I should have told her about the will from the moment I brought her home, but my pride and my male ego told me it wasn’t relevant. I’d make her fall in love with me whichever way I needed to, and claim my inheritance and then we could live happily ever after.
It was unfortunate for that plan that I had fallen in love with her too.
Seeing her tied up in that room, had damn near broken me. The beast I kept behind my mask had broken out of his chains and I saw red, but past my rage, there was also heartbreak. In that moment I knew, without a shadow of a doubt that I loved that woman, and I would do anything and everything in my power to protect her.
I had gotten there just in the nick of time thanks to Britt who had called the community center and told whoever answered the phone to call me and tell me where Phoenix was. I would forever be in her debt for what she did. Once things with Phoenix and I were settled, and Britt was healthy again, I intended on paying off the remainder of her debt and finding her something useful to do within the community. If she wanted another Master, I would find her one if she wanted her freedom, I would grant it.
In the last week, in between worrying about Phoenix and trying to get Mildred and Jenny to let me see her, I had worked out a completely new way to run The Faith. There were many changes coming and I relied on Bella, Corbin and Jenny’s opinion to help me get those changes off the ground. I wanted nothing more than to ask Phoenix what she thought, but after today’s conversation, I didn’t even know if she would speak to me again.
“It will be a cold day in hell before I ever tell the High Council how much I love you.” Her voice echoed around in my head.
Did that mean she loved me but wouldn’t say it, or did that mean she didn’t love me at all and would gladly tell them? I didn’t know, and truthfully it no longer mattered. As soon as I had been voted in as High Master, the council members had voted to null the will and give me access to my inheritance anyways. Why hadn’t I put the will away?
A knock sounded at my study door and for a moment, my heart leapt into my throat, hoping it was Phoenix. The hope was short lived.
“Brother?” Jenny’s voice sounded just outside the door, “May I come in?”
I permitted her entry and watched her as she poured herself a glass of vodka and refilled mine as well, bringing it over to me.
“You probably don’t need this, as I assume you’ve already had a fair amount, but by the look on your face, it looks like you actually might need it,” she chuckled.
I threw back my drink, letting the warm liquid burn its way down my esophagus.
“What do you want, Jenny? I asked her.
“I want my brother to stop being a fucking moron,” she retorted, sipping on her glass. She hadn’t spoken to me like that since we had been teenagers.
“And pray tell little sister, how am I supposed to do that?” My remark was sarcastic, but truthfully I wanted her opinion.
“You love her, don’t you?”
I paused, but moments later I gave in and nodded, the lump in my throat preventing me from verbally answering.
“Have you told her?” She asked.
“No, and now, even if I did, I don’t think she’d even believe me.” Her eyebrows raised in question and confusion.
For the next few minutes, I told her about our father’s will and the stipulations to receiving the estate. I told her how Phoenix must have stumbled onto it the night sh
e ran off, and I told her about the conversation Phoenix and I had just had.
“You’re even dumber than I thought, Zander,” she scoffed, tipping back the rest of her glass. “She loves you, you fool. Why do you think she’s so mad?”
“I--I don’t know what to do Jenny.”
“You’re going to have to prove to her that you’re sincere. That you actually mean the words you want to say.”
“How?” I asked, confused and bereft. Emotions had never been my strong suit, and I imagined they never would be.
“I can’t tell you that, Zander,” she shook her head, standing up and walking towards the door. “You’re going to have to figure that out for yourself. When women love something, they love it with their entire being. It’s not something we half-ass or try to ignore. It doesn’t matter how much that love hurts us or mentally mutilates us, we keep coming back to it, hoping it will love us in return.
“She still loves you Zander, no matter how much finding that will hurt her. You’re going to have to prove that you love her just as much as she loves you. I can’t tell you how, but I’ll give you a little bit of advice. Women love getting gifts from their men, more specifically, they love getting gifts that they don’t have to ask for, and things that can’t get on their own. Good luck brother.”
She shut the door on my confused face and I heard her chuckle as she headed away from the study. My sister was a smart woman.
Two days later and I was still processing my sister’s words and they still didn’t make a whole lot of sense. I understood the love part because in truth, every day away from Phoenix cut a little deeper into my soul, but what kind of gift could I give her to make her understand that? I wasn’t dumb enough to think a bouquet of roses or a box of chocolates would melt her heart to me, and jewelry was just pouring salt onto the wounds, brandishing my newly claimed money in her face. I needed to figure out something she wanted more than anything else and give it to her. It was the only way I was going to get her back.
I looked in the mirror and straightened my tie. I would see Phoenix today for the first time since our bedroom conversation. She had avoided me at all cost the last forty-eight hours, but at least she had left her room. Mildred told me that night, one of the slaves at the community center had called for her and asked her to plan the burials of the handmaid's who had burned. Phoenix had spent the last few days coming and going to help prepare, and today we would lay them all to rest. I wanted nothing more than to be there for her and share her grief, but I knew she wouldn’t let me. I would just have to hope she would see my presence as a good thing and a step in the right direction.
Mildred, Jenny and I climbed into the limo together and took off towards the center.
“Did you figure out what you’re going to do, brother?” Jenny asked me.
I shook my head and concentrated on the countless emails on my phone. Most of them were ideas to make The Faith a better place for all who entered, while some of them were nasty and vile, calling my reign a disgrace on everything we stood for. I didn’t much like reading them, but it was good to know who supported our new way of life and who would be the troublemakers.
We quickly reached the community building and departed the limo, while Claire parked the car and joined us inside. She had also grown very fond of Gwen and her bubbly personality, and requested she be able to attend the funeral. I certainly wasn’t going to tell her no.
The ballroom had been set up with hundreds of chairs, the stage at the back of the room. Portraits of each handmaid hung up on the wall behind them, their name engraved on the frame below.
Jenny leaned over and whispered in my ear as we took our seats, “Since Gwen was the only one given a name, Phoenix spoke with the slave they worked for and had them pick out a name that represented their personality.”
I nodded. Of course Phoenix did. Her heart was bigger than any other person I had ever encountered in my life. It was beautiful. She was beautiful.
The ballroom filled up fast and a wave of black grief and sadness washed over the crowd. The thirty six slaves bought at this year’s auction all sat up on the stage underneath the picture of their handmaid, right in the middle was my Phoenix.
I watched as she stood and made her way up to the podium and tapped on the microphone.
“Thank you all for coming. I know this isn’t how we normally do things, me being a woman and all, but with permission from the High Master, today we will honor those who have left us.”
She sat back down, and one by one each slave stepped up to the mic to say a few words about their individual handmaids. Some of them just told stories, some just commented on how much they would be missed, but all of them had tears in their eyes and Phoenix hugged every single one as they went to sit down and the next approached.
The last one to speak was Phoenix, and I knew, deep inside of me, her words would be powerful. I only wished I could be there to hug her when she was done.
“When I met Gwen, the first thing I noticed about her was her eyes. She had the kind of eyes that could look deep into your soul and find the good in you, even when no one else could. Every day she pointed out something about me or someone we came in contact with. Things that I didn’t even know or believe were true. She had that way about her. Even at fourteen she could make you believe in the goodness of life around her, no matter how bleak things seemed.”
I pulled out my handkerchief and handed it to Jenny who was sobbing quietly next to me.
“Of course, like all of us, Gwen did have her faults. She liked pineapple on pizza and she was horrible at keeping her room clean,” Phoenix chuckled as did the crowd listening to her. “But even when things scared her, or life took her where she wasn’t prepared to go, her optimism and light always shone through. Many a night she climbed into my bed seeking comfort in my arms, but what she didn’t know, and what I wished I had told her while she was still here, is I found comfort in hers as well. Without her, I would never have had the courage to look my demons in the eye and tell them they didn’t frighten me. Without her I would have never known true love, and without her I would have never discovered that maybe pineapple and ham can mingle on the same pizza, and live in harmony together.
“Gwen, and the thirty five other handmaids are free now. No longer bound to this world, or the people in it. They can rise from the ashes of their past and fly into a better tomorrow. I miss you Gwen, and I hope you know that no matter what challenges I find myself wrapped up in, I will take my cue from you, and find the good in every circumstance.”
Her last few words were but a distant sound as I stood up and exited the ballroom, a single tear falling from my eye. I had a plan. I only hoped it didn’t backfire on me and I wouldn’t lose Phoenix for good.
Chapter 27
Phoenix
I saw him leave and watched my heart break at the same time. If he couldn’t even stay for a simple funeral for a slave, how could he even contemplate actually loving one? The other slaves crowded around me as I backed away from the podium pulling me in for a group hug and offering up their words of thanks.
In truth, I hadn’t really done anything. The slaves at the community center had printed and hung up the portraits and engraved the names on the frame. They had set up the stage and the chairs per my recommendation and the other slaves in my auction had come up with their own names and speeches.
I didn’t want to go home. It didn’t even feel like a home to me anymore. The only thing keeping me there was Gwen’s lingering presence in my bedroom and of course the fact that Zander owned me and could do whatever he liked with me. I had contemplated sleeping at the community center for the two days leading up the funeral but that would have required Zander’s permission, and I just couldn’t face him. Knowing how much I loved him and how much he didn’t love me was enough to make any girl go crazy.
I stuck around after everyone left to help clean up the ballroom. Each photograph was taken off the wall and with permission from the Master’s, the slave
s were allowed to take them home. Britt was now sleeping in a room here until her fate could be decided. I hadn’t seen her the last few days, but was told she was being tended to as she had multiple broken bones, infected cuts and was highly malnourished. When I saw her get up on stage today, she already looked better and had more color to her cheeks then the last time I had seen her.
I owed her my life.
When the last chair was put away and the stage disassembled, I sighed, knowing it was time for me to make my way back to Zander’s house. Claire pulled me aside right after the funeral finished and told me she would be back to pick me up when I was ready. I didn’t think I would ever truly be ready though.
As I grabbed my picture of Gwen off of the wall, I ran my fingers over her name. She had only had the name for a few months, but it felt like something she was born with. She wasn’t just a number anymore. She was a person. She was my person.
I climbed into the back of the limo with the picture clutched to my chest.
“I promise, Gwen. I will do right by you,” I whispered, another tear falling down my cheek.
“Are you ready to go inside?” Claire asked. I hadn’t even realized we had pulled up in front of the house, let alone stopped. It had all happened so quickly.
“Can I say no?” I replied and she chuckled.
The pathway to the entrance looked to be a mile long, but it only took me seconds to arrive at the front door. When I stepped in, the sight before me almost made me drop Gwen.
On the ground in front of me was all of my luggage stuffed with everything I owned, my phoenix sitting on top. Zander stood behind it, clutching a piece of paper in his hand. Mildred and Jenny off to the side.
“So, this is it then? You’re throwing me out?” The hurt inside of me was almost too much and mingled with my anger made my head spin.
“Would you shut your trap for a minute girl and listen to what the man has to say,” Mildred scolded me and I could feel my cheeks turn pink in embarrassment.
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