“Hard break up?”
I laugh bitterly. “More a long time coming kind of break up.”
He nods and looks at my desk in perfect order with my papers on the right corner, my textbooks on the left one and my turned off laptop in the middle. The guy is not at all what I expected. He’s not cocky, he’s not distancing himself from me and he’s patient. He also looks like a contemplative kind of person.
“I don’t want to rush you, and I won’t judge anything you want to tell me about one of the guys. I know some of them are giving you a hard time and I had a talk with them. If they’re still after you, you can tell me.”
“How do you know about that?” I ask him, startled to know he heard about the lame jokes and references from the Star Wars movies. And now that I think about it, they haven’t come after me for quite some time.
“We have a friend in common. Duke?”
I can’t believe it. Duke helped me without telling me. Even now he’s haunting me. “It’s not about that, but yes, they leave me alone. Thanks, I guess.”
“Good,” he says with a little smile, obviously glad his little talk had an effect on the guys.
I clear my throat, trying to ease the lump that has formed. I’m stalling because I don’t want to fall apart and show my weaknesses in front of this guy who is mastering stoicism. It’s so hard to tell someone you don’t even know about something so personal. You can’t just start with, “Hey, you know Sean? Well, he’s beating me.” It’s too weird.
“It’s about Sean.”
“I’m listening,” he replies immediately, his palms on his strong thighs, his eyes on my face and his attention solely on me. It’s intimidating, but knowing he is attentive convinces me to tell him everything.
I take a deep breath and tell him that Sean began to beat me in high school and is still trying to have a few minutes alone with me to resume his punches. I tell him about how Sean was in my room last weekend and what he did. When it’s over, I don’t look down. I keep my chin up, my gaze locked on his and wait. Silent tears fall but I stay put. I have to remember it’s not as hard as it was with my parents.
Derek finally blinks and sighs. He runs a hand over his freshly buzzed hair and bites his full lower lip. “Shit,” he mumbles. “I’m really sorry, Skye. I don’t know right now what I can do to help, but you can be sure that I’ll do what I can to fire him from the frat. I don’t want such a son of a bitch in my frat. I already hated him before, but now ... God, I’d love to use a good uppercut on him.”
“Uh?”
“I’m a boxer,” he clarifies and clenches his fists. He’s not the same calm and collected guy from earlier. He looks like a real boxer about to go for a first round, and it frightens me a little.
“Thank you, Derek. I appreciate that you believe me.”
His head snaps back to me. “Of course I believe you. You’re not the kind to lie like that and Duke told me to keep an eye on Sean. Now I know why he asked me that.”
I feel myself blush because it’s cute of Duke to try to protect me, but it’s also quite debilitating to have someone taking charge like that behind my back. I guess it doesn’t really matter from now on, though.
“Well, thank you for your time. You have my cell phone number if there’s any trouble?”
“Yeah, I got it. I’ll let you know what happens. If you need to talk, feel free.”
He sounds so earnest that I feel myself nod as I stand up and walk him outside of my room after I quickly dried my tears. I look at him leaving, nodding at several guys in the hall. For once seeing these people laughing and just enjoying their life clears my head. It was hard, but not as much as I thought. I’m not crying anymore, I don’t feel the need to hide either. I’m beginning to realize that the people who know about it don’t judge me, but they do judge Sean.
“I didn’t know you knew Derek,” a deep voice comes from next to me, startling me and sending comforting shivers down my spine. I hear his heavy black boots on the ground, stopping beside me.
“I just met him for the first time,” I reply weakly, shaken to be talking with Duke when I thought he’d never even look at me again. He’s distant, yes, but he’s talking to me. He’s the one walking to me. I look from where he’s coming and see a girl glaring at me. Her mussed hair, flushed cheeks, and wrinkled clothes let me know more than I want to. It hurts. It’s like a punch straight in my stomach.
“Is it because you had a date with him that you weren’t in class today?” he asks me in a clipped voice that sounds too foreign coming from him.
I still don’t turn to face him. We’re shoulder to shoulder and apparently it’s easier for us to talk. It keeps some kind of a wall between us and right now I need it. I need distance or else I know I’d say something about this girl still looking at us, with her thin arms crossed over her generous chest. “You know I don’t date. Unlike you,” I answer with more than a hint of sarcasm. “I told him about Sean since he’s the president of the frat.”
His intake of breath is audible even with the raucous in the hall. In the corner of my eyes I see Duke turning toward me with a blank face, but it’s his eyes that give him away. They are sparkling and I think it’s because he’s surprised. It makes me proud in a way.
“You told him?” he asks for confirmation, his voice barely above a whisper like he doesn’t want to frighten me.
“And I told my parents the other night at the restaurant,” I add smugly, a dark part of me delighted to prove him wrong. Maybe that’s why I told my parents and Derek, maybe it’s because it hurts me to know how Duke really saw me all along. Somewhere, maybe on a subconscious level, I wanted to prove him wrong even if he never knew about it. I’m that complicated.
“That’s amazing,” he says with a softer voice, a guilty tone underlying his words.
I face him with a frown, but it hurts even more to look at him. His clothes are wrinkled and his lips are swollen. I feel the hole between us, I see the distance in his eyes, and it’s painful. I remember the things I threw at his face, but I have to ignore this pain so I shrug and with fast and efficient movements I put my long frizzy hair in a bun. I still don’t give a second thought about my appearance and I’m not sure it’ll ever change.
“I suppose I’m back on track.” God, everything sounds so hollow, so ridiculous. I really made a mess of everything.
“But you should be careful. Sean is—”
“I know who he is, Duke. Thank you very much,” I cut him off with a harsh voice that hardens his face.
“Yeah, well, I guess you don’t need me,” he says, taking a couple of steps away from me, but still facing me. “Next time, Skye, don’t skip class.”
“You’re a TA, not the actual teacher,” I retort with ill-placed anger. When I think that I wanted to have him back in my life, yet all I’m able to do is yell at him and be a real bitch, and it’s partly because I’m hurt by his little sexcapade.
“Nice.” He turns around and walks away at a fast pace, like he’s not walking fast enough to escape my presence. My eyes stay on his broad back, on his tensed muscular shoulders and on his dark hair. Why am I unable to keep him in my life? He’s the first one to really help me, to break my shell. When Duke disappears into the stairwell, I walk back in my room with a forlorn soul. Maybe Duke was just the kind of person you don’t keep in your life, but the kind of person that changes your life forever, staying in your heart to never leave completely. In the end, I’m the only one to blame to not have him as a friend again and I hate myself for this. I really hate myself.
Chapter Ten
I thought telling my parents and warning Derek about Sean would make things better, but no. Everything is harder, like leaving my bed in the morning to go to class or just focusing on anything other than my dorm room ceiling. I know without even counting how many cracks there are above my head and it should be enough of a warning how low I feel, but nothing can reach me.
When my parents call me—which is everyday—I summon
all my strength and act like the perfectly normal daughter only to go hide under my covers as soon as I hang up. When Kate tries to talk to me, tries to make me realize how this breakdown is winning I brush it off and tell her that I just need time to adjust. And I try to believe what I tell her even if deep down I know it’s all just bullshit.
The thing is, after fighting every day for three years, I don’t want to fight anymore and I don’t really see why I should. I don’t have anything more to hide. I’m just an empty shell now.
“Are you asleep, Skye?” Kate asks me in a whisper when she walks into our dark room. She was out—it is Friday night after all—and I wasn’t expecting her back so early. The bright red numbers on my alarm clock by my head on the bedside table show it’s barely midnight.
I turn over and face her. She’s only visible thanks to the moon’s light. She looks exhausted and it’s not from her demanding studies. I know that I’m a source of her anguish. “I’m not sleeping. I thought you had a date,” I answer, my voice flat and devoid of any real interest. It’s not that I don’t care about Kate, but I’m not interested in anything. I’m too wrapped up in some kind of fog. It’s better than the intense moments of hatred I have toward myself. In general, it’s after a Psychology class in which I have to witness Duke completely ignoring me but not ignoring all the leggy girls walking by him.
She sighs and shrugs. She quickly strips off her clothes and puts on an oversized hoodie on which Chicago is written in black bold letters. Nostalgic for her hometown? I can’t blame her; being stuck with a roommate like me for her first year of college is not the best experience. “He was boring. Cute enough, but at one point, even looking at his face—or killer body—was boring, too. I didn’t know that guys in med school could be so annoying.”
“You’ll find someone else.” I turn on my back, my favorite position in bed; gaze lost on the ceiling hidden in the dark and arms stretched along my body.
I hear Kate climb into bed. Maybe I should talk to her more, but I don’t have anything to tell her. After all, my life can be summed up with two words; bed and classes. I don’t even spend as much time on my homework these days, and it’s been going on for two weeks.
“I saw Duke tonight.”
My attention snaps back to her, the fog deserting me. My heart starts beating louder and faster than it has in the last two weeks. My palms are all sweaty and I’m struggling to keep the anger I have with myself at bay. Angry not only because of what I did to push him away, but also because I’m still all over the place whenever I hear his name. Only yesterday I had the raging urge to punch a girl I don’t even know because she was gushing about how sexy he is and how she wanted to lick every inch of his body. I saw red and had to literally run away before I did something I would regret.
“And?” I probe nonchalantly, and for once I sound convincing.
“He was with some blonde girl. They were having a drink at the bar I went to,” she says quietly, apparently expecting a reaction.
In my head I picture a leggy, cute as a button blonde girl laughing and smiling coyly at Duke and I feel sick. I know I’m physically attracted to him, but I don’t want to have a relationship with him even if he were emotionally available. However, knowing that another girl can claim that he’s hers even for an hour or two, it’s more than I can say and that’s what hurts me the most.
“Good for him.” Not so convincing!
Kate sits up to focus on me and I don’t like it at all because right now my mask is slipping and she will see right through me. Duke is the only thing still reaching me through the fog surrounding me.
“You’re being ridiculous. If you care about him, go and see him, talk things out with him!” Her voice is not the soft whisper from earlier. It’s full of edge and she’s annoyed at me—frustrated, too—and I can’t blame her.
“I don’t know what you mean. It’s not like I’m in love with him.”
“No, but I’m pretty sure you’re in lust and you don’t know what to do about it,” she replies smugly. She’s almost scary right now with her messy hair and the look of determination on her face.
“I think you need some sleep,” I say, trying to laugh it off. Turning on my side, I face the wall. It’s safer.
“And you need to get laid.”
I sit straight up and switch on my lamp, blinking several times, my eyes hurting from the sudden brightness after being in the dark so long. I glare at her. “You didn’t just say that.”
She pushes back her covers, gets up, and comes to my bed. Without asking, she sits and puts one of her small delicate hands on my thin shoulder. “I did and it’s the truth.”
“So I need to get laid? That’s your answer for everything, right?”
“Not everything, but in your case it couldn’t hurt. It’s been months since the last time you had sex and it was with an abusive jerk. Duke is an amazing guy with whom you connected right away. I saw how you looked at him. It almost made me blush.”
I chuckle and push her playfully. “Shut up, Kate.” I feel the heat rising in my cheeks and her laughing at me doesn’t help.
“Are you afraid to have a one night stand with him or to have something more?” She’s serious again, obviously determined to get rid of the distance I put between us and help me.
“I’ve never had a one night stand, and it’s Duke we’re talking about.”
“Which means? He’s really, really hot and sweet and sexy and he’s got tattoos! He’s got the perfect bad-boy look going on without the bad attitude. I mean, if you weren’t here I’d have ripped his clothes off by now. And you two are already really close.”
I’m pretty sure my mouth is hanging open. Nobody has ever talked like this with me before and this glimpse into Kate’s mind is ... well, it’s freaking me out to tell the truth. She’s far more open with her sexuality than I’ll ever be. I’m not a prude, I don’t think, but I can’t just say things like she does. Somehow, I’m envious of her openness. She’s so much stronger than me.
“I’d wager that you’ve got more luck with him than I do.” I finally find my voice, but it’s weak and a little sad. I don’t like to feel so sentimental all of a sudden. We’re talking about sex, not about commitment.
“Please, you’re delusional.” She shakes her head and her mouth quirks up. “You should have seen how bored he looked with that girl tonight. I’m not even sure he was listening to anything she was babbling on about. At one point his phone rang and he left her behind without so much as a couple of words and the money for the drinks.”
I lean against the wall and don’t try to hide my little smile at the thought of him leaving her behind in the bar. I know it doesn’t mean that he didn’t go to meet up with another girl, but it’s good nevertheless.
“It’s not only about me being horny, Kate.” I push away some locks that have fallen from the messy bun on top of my head. “I miss my friend and it’s all my own fault.”
She brings her legs to her chest and hugs them. Putting her chin on her knees, she looks at me with an indulgent smile. “You were hurt, Skye. I didn’t know about his girlfriend, but I don’t think you were that out of line. It has more to do with how you expressed it.”
I nod and punch my pillow. It’s better than the wall. “I know. I was being a real bitch and I knew it but I just ... couldn’t stop.”
“You don’t have to explain anything. I’m not judging you, but I lost my friend that day, too. I miss you,” she says in a soft voice. I hear the pain there and I feel guilty because I know I tend to push everybody away whenever I feel bad or down or in pain. I hate it when someone sees me like this and it seems easier to just cut them out. It may be easier at first, but when things get better there’s only a huge mess left behind.
“I’m sorry, Kate.” I can’t look at her. I just feel so ashamed now that the fog has lifted. She knows every awful thing about me and my life and yet she’s still here comforting me and telling me she misses me. I’m not sure I deserve someone lik
e her, not when I feel so lost myself.
“Just don’t shut me out ever again and when you do have sweaty hot and crazy sex with Duke. I want all the details,” she says with mischievousness that makes me laugh a natural husky belly laugh that for once I’m not self-conscious of.
“You are crazy. It will never happen with Duke. If he even talks to me again, it’ll be a big improvement already.”
“But if you—”
“All right!” I cut her mid-sentence with a laugh. “If I sleep with him, I’ll tell you if he’s just as hot without his clothes.”
She squeals and bounces up and down while still sitting on my bed. And then, like these last two weeks never happened, she fills me in on her last three dates, two of which weren’t that bad, and about her latest argument with her father who thinks she’s here just partying and not really studying her ass off so she can join in his firm in a few years.
Patch Up Page 14
