It hit me then. In a few days we would be leaving this place.
Being surrounded by mountains with hiking trails, the ocean, swimming lakes and a national park covering nearly seventy percent of the island we lived on. I had become spoiled by the lush greenery. I was accustomed to walking out my front door and being ten minutes from a vast choice of outdoor activities. I worried, while California seemed to be a blessing, I wondered if a disguise existed underneath. I was about to leave, yet it didn’t mean I left my past behind.
Creaking of the deck caught my attention.
“Mind if I join you?” Kip asked.
I looked over and saw Kip standing a few feet away. He wore shorts and a towel draped over his left shoulder. I darted my eyes up and down his body and focused on the lean contours of his physique. I beamed with excitement inside and felt actual-not metaphorical-but real saliva pool inside my mouth.
“Sure.” I watched as he sat across from me. The water rested at chest level. Under the candlelight, his skin took on the color of warm caramel. Thanks to the white bubbles from the jets, it left a lot to the imagination as his lower body was distorted.
“You seemed to want some time to yourself earlier, so I left you to it,” he said, looking at me. “Becca and Stephen seem to be hitting it off.”
“Yeah I’m happy she came,” I agreed, pleased for my brother.
“I’m happy we talked.”
The sound of Kip’s voice made my insides melt. The only thought running through my head was the idea of kissing him.
“Yeah, definitely.”
“It’s too bad you’re leaving.”
As he said this, I felt his foot rub against my calf. It was the most divine thing I’d felt since the day Taylor fell asleep against my shoulder while watching a movie in his room.
“Yeah it is. You seem like a cool guy.”
“You too.”
Then it happened again. His foot went up my right calf and thigh, and down my left side. I shivered a little bit. It felt amazing, but I still didn’t know what to do.
“Has everyone left?” I asked in a shaky voice.
“Yeah, except me and Becca. I wanted to talk with you some more,” Kip said.
He kept his eyes locked onto mine. His foot moved back to my thigh and I jumped, my face flushed with embarrassment. Kip didn’t seem to notice, or perhaps he did, and he liked it. Suddenly, I remembered my parents were gone and we had the place to ourselves. Trying something was completely plausible. If any night was right to do it, this was the night. I moved my foot up his calf with caution. My heartbeat pulsated in my ears, downing out all other sounds as my foot reached his inner thigh. I watched as his hands disappeared under the water. He grabbed my foot and placed it on his lap. He massaged up my calf until he reached my knee. It felt so guilty, while alleviating some of the stress lingering inside me. This could be all we did, and I’d be content.
“Did you have a fun time?” I asked, attempting to calm my breathing.
“Of course, and you?”
“Yes.”
I couldn’t think. My mind raced.
“It’s a shame we didn’t connect sooner,” I said.
“I agree. Kinda sucks you move in a few days. I’ll have to add you on Facebook so we can keep in touch.”
“I’d like that.”
He smiled. Instantly I remembered my third day of freshman year. Kip walking down the hall. The first time feeling pleasantly queasy over another guy. Blood coursed through my body causing certain embarrassing bodily reactions to start happening. Uncontrolled decisions seeped from my brain, down my body, and took hold of my limbs and actions. I reached into the water and pinched my side. There was no way this was really happening, it had to be a dream. My hip began to sting the harder I pinched, so I let go.
This is real, alright.
Kip’s foot moved back up my thigh and slid underneath my shorts.
Kiss me goddamn it! Kiss me!
This was it. The moment I’ve been waiting for and at the same time I wanted it to stop. My dad’s words rang in my ears, don’t want people thinking you’re gay. Suddenly, it felt wrong and I was scared we would get caught. Kips foot slid down my left thigh it felt right again. I didn’t know what to do, all the things I learned from movies went out the window. Now I was living it. Movies didn’t really help much, the most they ever depicted about gay relations were a few brief kisses. Maybe shirts were removed, and two bodies intertwined in the shadows, before panning away. As though it were blasphemy to commit such an act.
“I can stop if you’d like,” he said.
“I’ve just never done anything with a guy, this is all new to me.”
“Like I said, we can stop.”
I nervously smiled.
“I’m scared. Nervous, elated. Mostly confused.”
“I like how you speak. You don’t sound or act like most high school students. I wish I noticed you sooner.”
“Perks of being a wallflower.”
“Good book.”
I held back a laugh. “How did I know you’d say that?”
“If it makes you feel any better, I’m nervous too,” Kip said.
We looked at each other for a moment before he slid his legs between mine and spread them apart. My senses heightened with his every move. On the inside, I laughed to myself. Here I am, an adolescent teen experiencing the same first-time jitters everyone else does and I feel like a fool. Just like everyone else, I had no idea what the fuck I was doing.
He stood up and I watched beads and streams of water run down his stomach. They seeped into the top of his shorts. His stomach looked amazing. I was jealous. I rubbed my foot against his calf. He reacted the way any man would in this situation, with an uneasy breath. His abs flexed and he squinted his eyes. Sports kept him in shape.
He’s moving closer!
He bent down toward me and placed his hands against the edge of the hot tub beside both shoulders. I was blocked in. I had nowhere to go, not that I wanted to leave. I bit my lower lip. Somehow, my hands had found his hips. They traveled up to his shoulders. He shivered slightly. I looked at my hands and wondered when they moved to the back of his head. I ran my fingers through his hair and fought every muscle in my body to not make the move. The elusive first kiss haunted me. Did everyone get butterflies at a time like this? Did everyone’s lips tingle in anticipation, like they could fall off at any moment, or did they want it so bad they would deny the invitation on purpose out of fear? Who made the first move?
I felt his breath against my cheek and leaned ever so slightly toward him. We looked into each other’s eyes. His were darker now. Sexier. My heart thudded violently against my chest cavity. I thought I was having a heart attack.
My inner voice yelled at me, You’ve wanted to know what it’s like to kiss a guy, this guy for years and if you don’t find out soon you may never find out! Tomorrow it will be yesterday’s business and probably soon forgotten about once we moved away. Why not go for it? I knew why, because I was scared out of my mind. Kip’s lips moved but my heartbeat drowned out whatever he said.
We looked at each other.
He leaned in.
CHAPTER FOUR: LOOKING OUT
We didn’t kiss.
Instead I jumped at the sound of twig snapping and pushed him away. After a few awkward seconds went by he apologized.
“Don’t apologize,” I replied.
“I should’ve let you make the move.”
Kip sat across from me, at least he didn’t flee the situation as I feared he would. We sat in silence for a few more seconds.
“You have no idea how bad I’ve wanted to kiss you, and in a perfect world where we weren’t moving in a few days, and you and I could see where this went at our own pace I would make a move, but…” I trailed off.
“You want your first kiss to be special,” Kip said.
“Yeah. The concept sounds ludicrous considering my first kiss will be more experimental.”
�
��It’s not absurd.”
“I’ve had a crush on you for two years.”
Kip blushed and it made my stomach warm.
“You’re cute,” he replied.
“Thanks, you too. I’m such a coward.”
Kip laughed and scooted closer to me.
“You’re not a coward. I was in the same boat a year ago. It’s like fighting with your other half. You want the experience but never rush into it.”
“How did you know it was the right time?”
He shrugged. “I honestly don’t know. The first guy I kissed had been my friend since childhood. I was visiting him during spring break, and it just sort of happened.” Kip rubbed my shoulder. “Don’t worry man, when the time is right, you’ll know,” he said.
“This is the hardest thing I’ve struggled with. You’re the only person I’ve been so open with.”
“I know it doesn’t mean much, because you’re moving, but I won’t tell anyone.”
“Thank you.”
I watched Kip hoist himself up so he could get out. I followed suit and quickly wrapped myself up in a towel. June nights still had this fresh bite to them. We ventured inside and Kip said it was getting late and he was going. At the door we gave each other a hug.
“Here’s my number. Service here sucks so I’ll make sure to add you on Facebook when I get home. If you’re ever in the area,” he trailed off.
“You’ll be the first to know.”
He pulled me in for another hug. I breathed in his scent, knowing I may never smell it again. His hug felt so right, it was just the wrong time.
“Alright, safe travels. Let me know when you get there.”
“I will. Good night Kip.”
“Night, Kyle.”
I watched him walk toward his car. He peaked back once more before turning away. I closed the door and headed up to my room.
I thought about all this while I laid in bed. Stephen was already asleep; I could hear his shallow breathing. I closed my eyes and saw Kip moving in for a kiss, his eyes closing, his lips slowly puckering up. While my elusive first kiss didn’t happen, I still fell asleep a happy man.
I’m adrift on a sailboat.
White canvases flap carelessly above.
The breeze feels electrifying against my skin, especially underneath the sun’s heat. I appear to be alone, though I don’t know for sure as I am lying on a beach towel. Its colors are a festive array of oranges, reds, and yellows, making it appear as if it’s on fire. Slowly, water licks at the bow, rocking the boat from side to side. I sit up, look around, and notice how beautiful the water is. A pristine turquoise that seems to stretch for miles. Behind me, I discover a small island and it’s then I notice I’m not alone. Near the stern someone is lying on a chaise lounge looking out over the water.
I attempt to stand, only to stumble from the currents below.
My focus is momentarily brought back to the island, this time I notice a small house with a wraparound porch. A path of wooden steps extends off the back of the porch, coming to rest at a dock. Palm trees have sprouted along the coastline. Like out of place dandelions, they cast tall thin shadows over a perfectly manicured lawn. There’s a band of rocks running around the outer edges of the lawn and separates it from a beach.
The boat rocks again, knocking me off balance.
I stare at the chaise and can make out some details of the creature inhabiting it. From this angle, I see the back of their head and notice a medium sized hand drooping at their side.
“Hello?” I call out.
There’s no response. I take another step forward and stare at the rich chestnut hair. The short length suggests male, yet the hand looks feminine.
I take another step.
“Hello?” I call out again.
Taking yet another step forward I get no closer, as though my feet are glued to the deck. When I look down this theory is quickly answered as I see I am in the same spot, atop the fiery towel. From the corner of my eye I notice the stranger start to sit up.
It’s then that I hear my name called out. It starts as an echo, then I hear it again. My name bounces around the inside of my head as darkness descends and the voice becomes louder…
“Kyle wake up, we have to get ready to go.”
I opened my eyes, yawning. The first thing I noticed was the time, quarter to six. Early morning sunlight made the inside of our empty bedroom glow. I glared at my brother and rubbed my eyes.
“You were talking in your sleep again,” he said, before I had time to do anything. I looked at him perplexed.
“What did I say?”
“Kip,” he mimicked a sleepy groan. “Oh Kip.” He laughed.
“Shut up.” I laughed, pushing him away. “Nothing happened between us.”
“Sure.”
“What did I say?”
“Same as always, ‘hello’. What were you dreaming about?”
I recalled the dream while I deflated my air mattress.
“Well, as usual I was on a sailboat in the middle of the ocean. Off in the distance there was an island and there was someone else on the boat with me, but you woke me up before I could see their face.”
“Have you talked to Mom about all these recurring dreams?” Stephen asked, packing up his mattress.
“Heck no. The last thing I need is a lecture about how I supress my feelings.” I quickly changed out of my pajams and into the outfit I set out the night before. “I’m sure she would get a kick out of hearing some details.”
“What kind of details?”
“Well, I seem to always be on a sailboat. Usually it’s nice weather. There is always someone with me, but I never get to see them, and I never make it to any conclusion.”
“Strange.”
“Yeah. This time I tried walking to the person. Took three steps in fact but stayed in the exact same spot. I bet that has something to do with some deep-seated issue I’m running from.”
We shared a laugh.
“I’m sure she’d say there’s meaning behind the person I never get to see face to face. I can hear her motherly advice now—”
Stephen interrupted, finishing my sentence. “The unknown within a dream indicates you aren’t being true to yourself. I think you should start a dream journal.’ Yada yada.”
“Exactly.” I giggled.
“I’ll meet you downstairs. Dad has breakfast ready, and he said he wants to be out of here by six thirty.”
“Alright, I’ll be right down,” I said, taking one last look at our old room.
§ § § §
One of my dad’s former co-workers Frank offered to drive the U-Haul truck. He ended up being an hour and a half late. My father was furious, but he didn’t let him have it.
“Here,” my father said handing Frank a map. “I mapped out our route in red. We should get there well within our week timeline.”
“Okay.”
“We’ll try to stay together, but if we separate, well, we’ll cross that road when we get there.”
“Okay, guess I’ll see you guys later then,” Frank said, climbing into the driver’s seat.
“See ya, and Frank? Thanks again.”
“No problem. Come on Max,” Frank said.
Our golden retriever Max wiggled around between my feet eager to play. I patted him on the head, gave him a kiss and pushed him toward Frank. Reluctantly, he drudged forward and hopped into the passenger seat of the U-Haul. We all piled into the car.
“Ready?” Dad asked.
We all shook our heads and he started the engine. He followed Frank down the driveway, I turned and watched our former home disappear amongst the trees surrounding it. We turned right onto Route 3 and made our way down toward the beach.
“How about one last drive through the Park Loop Road for old time’s sake?” Mom chimed in.
We reached the entrance to the park and for a moment my father hesitated. Frank kept trucking on toward Northeast Harbor and eventually to the head of the island. The deto
ur would cut us back an hour or more. For a moment, Dad seemed impatient with the idea of derailing from our route so early in the trip. At last, he flipped on the blinker and turned down Stanley Brook Road.
“Call Frank, if you can even get any service and tell him we will meet him at Blueberry Hill Dairy bar.”
“Oh hey, can we go to Friendly’s one last time?” Stephen asked.
“Ew not Friendly’s please. How about Jordan’s Snack Bar?” I suggested.
“Like Jordan’s is any better,” Stephen whined.
“Sure is!” Mom and I said in unison.
Silence fell over the car except the dull sounds of soft rock playing on 94.5 and everyone stared out the window. I was drawn to the unbelievable beauty of Acadia National Park. I looked up ahead as we drove under one of the ten Rockefeller stone bridges our great grandfather helped build. I admired the dedication that went into each bridge as we passed under and wondered how long I’d miss the simple beauty of moss growing on stone.
While the idea of moving fascinated me, up until this point, the impact of leaving my hometown hadn’t really hit me. I wondered exactly how different California was. Would there be nights when I could go right outside my back door and see Orion’s Belt or imagine serving intergalactic soup with the Dippers? Could I expect dark and spooky nights like the setting of a Stephen King novel? Would it be pristine and beautiful like our rocky coastline? Or would there be so much light pollution, the night sky looked sickly orange and hazy with smog.
We met Frank at Jordan’s Snack Bar for one last burger and a side of shoestring onion rings with a strawberry shake. There would be other burgers, and shakes, but nothing beat a meal from your childhood. Then we were off. We drove through Bangor, down I-95 and past the State Capital. All the while, I cranked up my music. I didn’t want to waste my battery this early in the trip, but I had nothing else to do aside from watching the world pass me by. It would take another few hours till we left the state of Maine and I was starting to regret not bringing a book.
I looked up front at Shirley. Shirley was the GPS navigator my father got for Christmas a couple years prior. She was supposed to give us the quickest route in the shortest amount of time. However, after being dropped in a puddle the previous Fall, she calculated directions differently. Occasionally she guided us the wrong direction, or the right way but said we were in a different location. I read Boston MA next exit, apparently, she decided on the latter today. I looked up and saw a passing road sign; we hadn’t even reached Freeport yet.
Playing It Out Straight Page 4
