“Don’t what? Ask you how my roommate was? Ask why? What exactly don’t you want me to do here?” I’m losing it. I can’t confront this without sentiment.
“Let me explain,” he starts.
“Explain how your dick fell into Anna? How when I walked in to see you fucking her you looked at me cold as ice and continued. Or are you going to explain how an hour before you were begging me to love you?” With each syllable my voice is rising until I’m screaming. My throat is raw from the emotion that’s choking me.
“All of it. Bianca, I’ll give you all of it.”
“You can’t give me anything. You took everything from me.” That’s the crux of it. What he robbed me of he can’t return.
Trust.
Dignity.
It disappeared in the matter of seconds. It took years to build and moments to shatter.
He pulls something from his pocket and walks to me. “Read it.” I unfold the crumbled envelope and scan the words. Several words jump at me, so I start over. I didn’t know I was capable of breaking more.
I was wrong.
Each sentence. Each fact. Each lie he has lived with. They dig into my heart, tearing it open, polluting my mind. I know how these words crushed him, but he in turn destroyed me. Left me in pieces, in ruin with no chance of putting myself back together. He did this knowing I had nobody to help pick up the fragments he left in his wake. Bronson is reeling in his own pain, and I won’t take his best friend from him. He can’t lose another person he loves. My mom, she’s still healing, and I can’t lay this burden at her feet.
He did what he did without regard for me.
I meet his eyes and give him back the paper. “Get out.” I stress to him I’m not employing this pity train he wants me to take with him. I see his world was rocked today, in turn, he lashed out, and I was the sacrifice. I’m not willing to be that. Not even for him.
“Baby, talk to me.”
“Get out. Go home and figure out your shit, but do it without me. I won’t breathe a word of this to Bronson. Not for you, but for him. You can’t change what you set in motion. You did it for some sick act of revenge. My dad’s name wasn’t lost on me in that.” I nod towards the letter in his hand. “I’m not my father. You’re not Dana. Your sister. Your mother. Everyone lies, everyone makes choices, Dakota, and you’re no different. Only yours, they hurt the innocent person in this. I didn’t need to take that punishment, that wasn’t because of me. It is on people who can’t defend themselves any longer because they aren’t here with us. You get your facts from what’s printed in front of you, but the problem is, there was nobody to fill in the holes. Instead, you decided to fill them in to ease your conscience, soothe your soul. At the price of mine. You took that from me. You succeeded. Now, you’ll never get those back. Get. Out.” I don’t waver. I won’t back down.
“I’ll go, for now. This isn’t over, Bianca.”
“This is so over, Dakota. It’s so over there isn’t a word to describe this finale.” I turn my head, so I don’t have to look at him. I will him to leave. I’m teetering on the edge of a break down and he doesn’t get that from me either. He may know I’m going to shed a tear but he won’t see it.
Once I hear the door shut and lock turn, I let it go. I feel the sobs from the pit of my stomach, and when I’m finally drained, my entire body aches. I know what he felt when he read those words. I knew when I saw my last name where his mind went. He blamed me in a moment of weakness. He wanted to pay me back for everything he was feeling. He blamed the wrong person. I set none of that into action, just like he didn’t. My dad, his sister or mother or whoever the fuck she was, Frank Locati, all of them played that hand. We just got stuck with the shitty cards they left.
I wake with my dad’s words, ‘don’t regret’ echoing in my mind. I won’t regret falling in love with Dakota, I’ll learn from it.
I won’t regret everything I gave to him, but I’m reclaiming it all for myself.
I won’t regret love, I just won’t believe in it for myself. I feel I’ve made these promises to myself before . . . over him.
Every time I see him it hurts. Nothing has eased the emptiness, and I’m beginning to think it’s a permanent extension of me. I lost him before, but I still had his friendship. Losing him this time was worse. I eradicated every part of him from my life.
It’s been a year since Callie’s been gone, and we’re celebrating my mom’s birthday. I hate being in this house, but the familiarity of it soothes me. It’s one constant in the sea of change my life has become. Nothing’s the same, and we all feel it. I wanted to ask him not to come, but my mom would have been disappointed.
“Bianca, are you still okay living by yourself or have you thought of a friend moving in with you?” My mom doesn’t know what she just asked.
“I’m good. I don’t want the hassle of having a roommate again.”
“Princess,” Bronson teases me.
“Don’t.”
“God, Binks. Pull the stick from your ass. I’m teasing you.”
“Stick in my ass? You’re one to talk. You blame her for everything; I’m not allowed to speak her name in your presence because everyone thinks it will upset you. Fuck that. She’s my best friend, and I miss her, too. Every damn day. You ignore her memory and that’s tarnishing the love you had. Save your lectures for someone who can stand your sanctimonious bullshit.”
“Bianca!” My mom still hates when I cuss.
“It’s fine, Mom. Funny, the man who loves you and would do anything for you is sitting across the table and you won’t look at him. Who’s spewing bullshit now?”
Dakota cuts in, “Bronson, stop.”
“No, she sits here and defends Callie to me like I did something wrong, and she’s the one hurting you every single day.”
I can’t take it. I throw my chair back and stand. “Think what you want. I know what the truth is, and it’s between Dakota and me. I never brought you into my relationship and that’s where you need to stay. Out.Of.It.” I turn to my mom, “Happy Birthday.” I leave with no destination in sight . . . just distance.
I pull up in front of a club called ‘Bar’ . . . original name. It looks pretty dead, so it’s perfect because I’d be poor company. I push open the door, checking to make sure I have my fake ID available and I’m shocked with what I see. Polished wood floors, chrome bar surrounding the entire perimeter. Tables with comfortable looking chairs and a dance floor with an uplifted stage. A haunted voice causes me to stare at a stunning female on the stage belting the lyrics to ‘Stronger’ by Christina Aguilera. She’s slowed down the beat and her voice is pure but laced with agony pouring from her. I’m mesmerized and sit at the first seat I come to.
“Can I get you a drink?” I hear but don’t bother to look at the man who asked me. I can’t peel my eyes off the stage.
“Martini. Dirtier the better.”
“I.D.” I hurriedly throw it on the table, not taking my attention from where it’s drawn. “Ah, see this says you are 21 and Rachel Greene. I would have thought you’d be a bit more original than Friends, Bianca. “Holy shit!
My attention is now completely on this man calling my bluff, and I don’t know how he knows me or how the fuck I forgot him. His hair is cropped close on the sides and spiky and a bit longer on the top. Its color reminds me of beach sand. His green eyes capture mine, and I can make out the twinkle of amusement reflecting back at me. “I’m clearly at a disadvantage,” I tell him.
“Clearly, “ he chuckles. He stands to his full height, an act of assertiveness, and I take in the glorious form in front of me. His entire frame, close to five inches over six feet is filled with muscle. Not bulky, not lean . . . just perfect. A smile forms, and I see his perfect white teeth against his tan skin. “Heath De Luca. Bernie’s son.”
Oh God! “I haven’t seen you in forever. How’d you recognize me?” When I say forever I mean at least eight years or so. His father was one of the most trusted captains in the family.
I wondered what happened to him after the day he delivered the news that tore our lives apart. That life seems like so long ago. It wasn’t, but I’ve tried to forget the reason my father isn’t here.
“A man would have to be blind to forget you. What was that you wanted to drink? A dirty martini?” He winks at me.
“If you’re offering.” I smile at him. He looks good, but I’m not in the mood to banter and flirt with anyone.
“I’m not. That’s my liquor license you’re threatening.”
“You own this?”
“For a year.”
“I’m almost 21,” I tease him.
“I’ll get you a martini on two conditions.”
“What?”
“One, you stay here until I know you are okay to drive. Two, you let me sit and catch up with you.”
“Deal. I’m not sure how much company I’ll be. I seem to have a crush on your entertainment.”
“Ah, Lynsey. Hard not to be enthralled with her.”
“She is wonderful.”
He winks at me. “I’ll be back. Dirtier the better?”
“A man after my heart.”
“Is that an offer?”
“If I had one up for grabs you’d be first in line.”
“There’d be no competition I couldn’t beat, Bianca.” Well, okay then. He disappears, and I turn my attention back to Lynsey.
He joins me after a few minutes and launches in to an inquisition. “Where have you been?”
“I’m in school at FSU.”
“College girl.” He’s a flirt. Harmless.
“Do you have the sexy librarian fantasy along with the naughty school girl?” I can hold my own in the flirting department.
“I forgot how feisty you were.” He throws his head back in laughter. “Refreshing.”
“Call it like I see it, Heath.”
His voice loses the amusement, and he leans forward. “How have you been?” I know what he means.
“Struggling, each day doesn’t get easier, but I get through it. How’s your dad?”
“Retired. He moved after the funeral. Didn’t want to cohort with Locati.”
“Can’t blame him.”
I shoot the shit with him for over two hours. It’s easy. It’s comfortable. It’s safe. He brings Lynsey over, and she’s a kindred spirit. I see the demons in her eyes.
I find myself there every Friday, and most Saturdays over the next six months, then the unthinkable happens.
“Hey gorgeous,” Heath greets me.
“Hey, handsome.” I wink at him.
I get my martini and company. “So, tomorrow is Saturday. I say you don’t come here.”
I’m shocked. I didn’t realize I’d been a nuisance. “Sorry?”
“We’re going out. On a date. Pick you up at six.”
“That wasn’t posed as a question.”
“Nope. Stating the obvious. I’m interested, Bianca, and I’m gonna make this play.”
“Heath,” I begin to let him down easily.
“Not asking for your hand in marriage. I can see you are not ready for anything serious. You’re skittish, let me see if I can loosen you up.”
He’s easy to be around. Makes me laugh. Fucking gorgeous. Can I do this? “Six?”
“Six, gorgeous.” He’s genuine, laid his cards on the table and that’s refreshing. I watch his fine ass walk away and realize I could like this. I still ignore Dakota’s texts and phone calls, only having to talk to him when we are forced in the same situation.
Callie’s been gone almost eighteen months, and until Heath and Lynsey, I was pretty much alone. That girl is a closed book. She hangs with me some nights at my table, but she is sealed up tighter than a drum. Beautiful, voice like an angel, but tortured as hell. Still, I consider her a friend. She listens to me, and I try and cajole information about her life.
I’m tearing my napkin in little pieces, lost in thought since Heath sauntered away. Do I want to date? I still have this void in my chest that hasn’t been filled since Dakota, a hole just for him. Sometimes I wish I could just get over what I saw, remember the good times and maybe the pain would disappear, and I could work myself back to the place I feel I belong . . . with him.
“What’d that napkin do to you?” Lynsey asks as she takes the seat next to me.
I laugh, “Exists.”
“I’m not trying to overstep here, Bianca, but I see the way Heath looks at you. He’s interested, and I get the feeling you aren’t.”
“I’m not. I like him, it’s easy to laugh, but it’s all surface. He doesn’t know me, and I don’t know him. He asked me on a date.” Ask was a generous term.
“My advice. Don’t lead him on and don’t force yourself to take steps you aren’t ready for. You don’t want the burden of inflicting pain on someone. It’s not an easy load to carry.”
“Lynsey, when are you going to cut the shit with me and open up?”
“Could ask the same of you. We all have pasts, some of us wear our scars and some of us bury them.”
“His name is Dakota,” I whisper.
“His name is Aaron.”
“He destroyed me. I loved him. I still love him.”
“I destroyed him. He hates me. I still love him.” We sit in silence, both lost in our thoughts. “Make sure you don’t inflict on Heath what you were given. I’m telling you it’s not worth it.” I nod, and she slips off the chair and heads back to her stage.
I find Heath. “I can’t do tomorrow. I’m sorry. I like our friendship, but I’m not ready.”
“Okay.” Is it that easy with him? I have to admit my ego just took a hit that he isn’t trying to persuade me. “I’m ready, but for this to work we both have to be willing. I can’t make you promises, yet, but when you get ready if I’m still here, we’ll see what happens.” I just nod.
I give him a hug and turn to leave. “Don’t be a stranger, Bianca. I’d miss seeing your gorgeous face.” I lift my hand and give him a wave.
Until I get Dakota expunged from my heart I can’t move forward. I won’t be a stranger, I want his friendship and if that’s all that happens it’s more than enough for me, I just hope it is for him. Besides, Lynsey has a story, and she needs to tell it.
Finals have kicked my ass, and I still have another week. I’m burnt out so I take a breather for a weekend at home. I want to swing by and see Lynsey and Heath; it’s been a few weeks. Relax with my mom in the form of retail therapy. I pull up to see my brother and Dakota outside sitting on the steps drinking a beer, and my easy weekend just got shot to hell.
“Hey, Binks.” He seems chipper. I look around, and the blonde bimbo isn’t here, so I breathe easier.
“Hey. Where’s your skanky slut?” He rolls his eyes, and Dakota chokes on his beer.
“Let it go. I’ve tried to tell you it wasn’t like that, but you won’t listen.”
“It’s never like that with you guys.” Without meaning to, I look at Dakota and see him flinch with my words.
“Really, Binks. I told you it was part of the case. I haven’t seen her in a while.”
“I don’t know if I believe you.”
“You and your trust issues. So we are going to cook on the grill tomorrow, you gonna be here?”
“Yeah, I’ll go out tonight so we can have some bonding time tomorrow.” I kiss his cheek and hear his quiet ‘great’ follow me. I let it go. It hasn’t been easy for us to get on track. His hostility towards my best friend, my unwavering belief she isn’t as callous as he believes, and the fact that I still try to avoid Dakota has made our time very limited.
I throw my keys and purse on the end table and search for my mom. I haven’t taken two steps when I hear, “You gonna ignore me forever?”
I sigh. “No, just until it quits hurting.”
“So forever. It’s never going to stop hurting until we’re together where we belong.” His hands rest on my shoulders and just that touch scorches me.
“I can’t do this. I have f
inals, I came here to escape from my life not for it to smack me in my face as soon as I walked in the door.” I feel his hands drop, and I relax.
“I miss you.”
“You don’t get to miss me when your actions sent me away. You don’t get to feel any of the pain and betrayal. You get to live with your decisions, but you don’t get to wallow in them.”
“Bianca, I’m so fucking sorry.”
“You’ve said the same thing for a year. It doesn’t change anything.”
“I’ll say it for the next fifty years if you need me to.”
“What I need you to do is the impossible. Go back to that day and make a different choice. I need you to erase the vision etched into my memory, and I need you to be the man I needed. Since all of those can’t be done . . . your words don’t really penetrate me.” I walk away and disappear into my room. I’m too drained from that to get ready and head into town, so it’s another weekend I don’t see Lynsey or Heath.
To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.
~Gilbert K. Chesterton
Chapter 16
Dakota
I accepted I needed to work for her forgiveness, I just didn’t expect she wasn’t going to give it to me. Her eyes don’t flare in anger at me, she’s resigned to live in the pain of the past . . . the torture I threw her in. I fucked up, that entire day was a colossal mistake. The part where I told her I loved her, that I would show her how we were meant to be, was the only truth of that day. The only good. Every moment after that is unforgiveable. Yet, I’ll keep trying to obtain it.
After sobering up and realization hitting, I knew the truth. Dana got in deep. By her own volition. I don’t know if Joseph Agosto or Frank Locati called the hit . . . more than likely it was Frank. Either way the end result is the same. She’s dead. I’m still here but just as morbid without Bianca. Dana made the choice to snort, smoke, or shoot up whatever she put in her body just like the man who ended her life made that choice. That wasn’t my fault, or Bianca’s, or anyone else’s. Confronting the people who raised me as their own wasn’t as easy.
Bellissimo Lotta (Beautiful Struggle): Companion Novel to Bellissimo Fortuna (The Family Trilogy Book 2) Page 12
