“What are you going to do? This isn’t healthy.”
“Well, you know how they say misery loves company? I’m that bitch’s best friend. I’m trying. Every day, I’m trying. I get up, smile, laugh . . . and it all feels empty, it’s all useless. I could forgive him, but I don’t know how to get there. I can’t forget. There is a lot that led up to it. You being gone, Bronson off the rails, Dakota got some news. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty. He reacted in the way he did, and I witnessed it.” I take a deep breath and admit to her something she could understand. “Through it all, the tears, the fights, the pain . . . I love him. I’ll always love him. I love who I became with him and hate who I am without him.”
“No, Bianca. You are just you. With him you may have been free to let your guard down, but you can do that with all of us. I don’t know what to tell you. I told you one time that I thought you were two pieces that were right together but weren’t quite fitting. I hope that’s still the case, because besides my love for Bronson, I’ve never seen two people more perfect for one another. I’m not saying forgive him today, or next week, but somehow you have to forgive him. If you never end up together, you have to forgive him . . . for you.”
“I agree.” Lynsey takes a seat across from me and stares hard at me. “Forgiveness isn’t just for the person you are granting it to; it’s for you. When you release it, you release the part of yourself that you’ve buried. It’s the only way you can move on.”
“Great, I have two champions for my soul.” I smile to ease the sarcasm. They have my best interest at heart. “Callie, this is Lynsey. Lynsey, this is Callie.”
“I feel like I already know you.” Lynsey gives her a warm smile. We all continue to chat until Callie announces it’s time for her to head home. I call her a cab. “I’m glad you’re home.”
“Binks, there’s nowhere else I want to be. I love you.”
“Love you. I’m glad you got your happy ever after. If anyone deserves it, you do.”
“Don’t shortchange yourself. You deserve it.”
“I’ve got some baggage to work through. I’m not sure what I’m ready for.”
“Well.” She looks over her shoulder. “Someone with some broad shoulders who’d be willing to carry that for you seemed to give you some attention tonight. What’s up with that?”
“Nothing, I promise. We almost had a date, but I called it off. He let me know he’s interested but left it up to me.”
“What’s stopping you?”
“Didn’t you just get finished telling me you thought I was a perfect fit for someone else?”
“No, I said I hoped that was the case . . . I’m rethinking that after tonight. Someone who can hurt you so bad . . . well I’m not sure the fit is that perfect anymore. It’s not my choice anyway.”
“Go home, Callie.” I walk her outside and help her in the cab. I stop by the bar on my way back to my table and grab another drink.
Heath comes back over. “You taking a cab home?”
“Yes,” I tell him, downing my drink in one gulp. The heavy conversation with Callie has me tense.
“I’ll drive you,” he informs me. And yes, he informs me. Bosses me. His voice gives no room for argument. I don’t know if it’s the alcohol, knowing Bronson and Callie will make their family united, or if I’m realizing I’ll never forgive Dakota, but Heath is turning me on.
“Sure.” I wink at him. I’m pretty sure it’s the alcohol because I don’t wink.
He laughs at me and leans close. “You’ve had enough, Bianca. I’ll get you some water.” He removes the empty glass from the table.
“You’d have a much better end to your evening if you let me have another.”
Leaning in as close as possible with the table separating us, I feel his breath tickling my ear. “You aren’t ready to play in my league. Don’t make insinuations you aren’t ready to back up. When you’re sober and ready, we’ll talk.”
What the hell is wrong with me . . . I get shot down by a guy who wanted to date me not even a year ago. I wait for him to disappear in the crowd and search my phone for a cab company. My pride has taken enough hits. I’m not done dialing and my phone is snatched out of my hand and a bottle of water placed in front of me. “What the fuck?”
“Don’t test me, Bianca. Not tonight. You sat here flirting, having drinks with friends, told me you were down to fuck, when we both know you aren’t. You’re coming close to shredding my control.”
I snap my mouth shut, my indignation leaving me as I soak in his words. “Are you still interested in me?”
“Are you that clueless? In case you are, the answer would be yes.”
“You shouldn’t be.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because I’ll never fall in love again.”
“You’re young, you don’t know what the future holds.”
“I do.”
“You’re tipsy, bordering on drunk. Don’t spill your secrets, I’ll just use them to my advantage.”
I guffaw at him. “We were trained to guard our secrets. What we should have been taught is to guard our hearts.”
“But a heart is meant to be set free. I understand better than you think, Bianca. I understand that life. I understand you.”
“No, you don’t. You don’t know me.”
“Want to wager on that?”
“Sure, what are the stakes?”
“A date. I pick you up. I take you home. You set all your bullshit aside for that night and give it a chance.”
He’s so losing this. “Tell me who I am.”
“Princess. Not in your eyes, but those who surround you. The carefree, don’t give a fuck girl is the attitude you portray, but on the inside you’re the confused woman. You think you’re broken, you think love only exists for others. You were hurt. Probably by your first love, and you secretly wish there was a way to fix what went wrong. You trust few but you give them all of you. Some have been deserving, one wasn’t. Callie wears love all over her face and you’re happy for her but cynical at the same time. You think it’s easier to shut down, not go for the gusto because without risk there won’t be pain.”
“Fuck,” I whisper.
“So tomorrow night. I’ll pick you up at six. Dress casual.” He smirks at me. “Oh, and just so you know . . . you’re not broken, we are all made to bend. And if it’s love, the kind meant to withstand time, nothing is unfixable. And life without risks, there’s still pain because you miss out on all the beauty of it when you’re too afraid to experience it. That’s lonely, and you don’t deserve lonely. You deserve everything.”
I stare at him. His smile mesmerizes me, and I don’t know how to feel. “Drink your water, and we’ll leave in an hour. I need to take care of a few things.” Without another word, he walks off and leaves me stupefied.
I need to go home, eat ice cream in vast amounts and contemplate how I feel about these turns of events. I text Callie, knowing she’s busy; either on her knees or her back. This situation warrants a phone call, but I’ll help a bitch out and let her enjoy her night.
Me: 9-1-1 Once you’re done doing the dirty let me know- apparently I have a date tomorrow night adn am confused how this transpired
I know I won’t hear back from her until the morning but just sending it makes me feel better.
Me: Also, I’m never drinking again.
She’ll know that’s a lie, but she’ll allow me to believe it. I sip my water, watch some people dry humping on the dance floor, watch a few other people makes asses of themselves, and wait until Heath is ready to drive me home. I give myself pep talks to prepare myself, knowing I need my guard up, he’s seen enough. He’s too close and is good at whatever game he is playing.
The drive is tense. There’s so much I could say, cutting words and insults to keep him at a distance, but something stops me, not allowing me to say them.
“Tomorrow, six,” he reiterates as he drops me off.
“Okay,” I agree as I open the do
or and flee the car.
I wake to Angelo crawling over me while Callie stands at the foot of my bed. “What the . . .”
“Language. I swear if he starts cussing I’ll kill you or Bronson. Or both.”
“What are you doing here?”
“You have a date. I have time to make up for. Get up, let’s go.” So I do. I shop. I primp. I wait and I fight the excitement building up inside of me.
Heath arrives at six, and I’m whisked away. Not really, we walk outside; he opens the door, compliments me, and we leave. “You look gorgeous,” he says.
“Not too shabby yourself.” It’s silent again.
“Are you nervous, Bianca?”
“I don’t know what I am.” Honesty.
“I know you’ve dated.”
“A little. Mostly I date-napped.”
“What?”
“Dates so boring, I found myself dozing off during them. Date-napping.” How does he not know what this is?
“Let me know if I put you to sleep and I’ll fix my tactics.” He chuckles at me. I don’t think that will be an issue with all the tingles and electricity floating through my body.
“You’ll be the first to know. Although snoring is a pretty good indication.”
His head falls back to the headrest, his mouth open wide, and laughter gushing from his chest. “You never cease to amaze me, gorgeous.” He reaches over and takes my hand. It feels nice.
Our dinner conversation is light, no pressure. “You going to be in town next weekend?”
“No, I have graduation. After that I’m home for a bit until I decide where I want to teach.”
“Teacher, huh?”
“Yep, I’m going to apply in Tampa I think, or maybe Miami if I lose that bet.”
“I’ll have to make sure you win. Tampa isn’t too far but Miami . . . not so much,” he announces, like he’s trying to reassure himself. “I’d be happier if it was here you were looking.”
“Since my career and future isn’t all about you, it’s a good thing I’m not taking that into consideration. This is a small town, not lots of opportunity. Especially with the last name I carry.” My dad may be dead, Frank Locati dead, the mob pretty much nonexistent in this town . . .but with my last name, people don’t bend like they used to.”
“I’d like to think your future will concern me, but we’ll get there.”
“Heath, I don’t know.”
“Then it’s a good thing I’m sure enough for the both of us. I waited patiently. This is me losing patience.”
He walks me up to the door, cups my face lightly, and kisses the tip of my nose, my cheek, and barely skims his lips over mine. That’s it. He murmurs, “Good night, gorgeous. Talk to you later.” I watch his backside stroll down the walkway, and he fades into the car and down the street.
Dakota is sitting with the rest of my family watching, celebrating this day with me. I hear him whistle as I walk across the stage to get my degree. He deserves to be here with me. He was a huge part of these years. I reach up and tug the pendant that was sent over this morning.
The card was simple.
Enjoy your day. The hard work has paid off. I know it’s not the same, but wanted to give you something to make this day a bit easier.
Heath
I opened the box, my eyes filled with tears, and my heart swelled. Nestled in the velvet was something I needed more than anything. A pendant dangling with a long silver necklace that reads:
Dad,
I know you are walking beside me today.
Love you always.
I was a college graduate, a huge milestone, and the first of mine since my dad was gone. He eased that pain.
As we all go to lunch and I keep feeling for the pendant the guilt takes over me as I let Dakota’s arms drape my shoulders and pull me close.
“So proud of you, Bianca.”
“Thank you.”
“God, I love you. Please tell me you’re ready to come back to me.”
“I love you, Dakota. I’m trying.” It’s not a lie. I love him. I’m trying to figure out if I can go back to him or if it’s time I fly solo. It still feels wrong to hold the pendant nestled next to my heart that one man gave me while allowing another to love me.
We must be our own before we can be another’s.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Chapter 20
Dakota
Her ‘I love you’ makes my heart expand until I feel it will break through my chest. I just want another word from her. Yes. I crave that word from her, and I’ll get it one day. Waiting for her is killing me. I want her next to me day in and day out; I want to kiss her goodnight as I tuck her to my side. I want to brush the hair off her face in her sleep. I want to kiss her lips, her shoulder, and every inch of her body whenever the urge hits me. She’s my grounding force. All the fucked up stuff I see in the world through my job is erased with just one glance at her. I want to be the reason she smiles, not cries. Mistakes are a bitch, once made they aren’t easily erased in the heart or mind. I made the worst mistake of all. I set out to enact a form of revenge . . . it was carried out on the wrong parties, and I still bleed from it.
I need to keep reminding her of the good, obliterate the bad. I’ve passed the point of hoping she’ll come back to me and have gotten to the point of good, old fashioned, drop to my knees prayer. She doesn’t see herself as everyone else does . . . her purity, her humor, her ability to put everyone else’s needs in front of her own. She sees the doubts, feels the pain . . . I want to be the one to make her realize who she is and when I slept with Anna I fed into her doubts, made her believe she was less. That is my burden, and I wish she’d give it to me instead of carrying it herself.
“Any ideas what you’re gonna do?”
She shrugs. “I think look for a job in Tampa.”
“Why not Miami? You’ll be close to all of us.” Callie and Bronson wasted no time and are moving to Miami as a family. As they should. “Bronson is going to start working on getting your mom to move. I’m sure it’d be easier for her if you agreed to it.”
She flinches and I realize I just laid a guilt trip on her. “I don’t know Dakota. She can move if she wants, I’ll talk to her. I’ll be fine.”
“I want you better than fine, Bianca. I want you happy. I want to give that to you.”
“Stop. Don’t do this today. Give me some time to enjoy today. I’m getting there; I’m trying to find my happiness, within myself before I give that to anyone else.” She didn’t have to say the words that lingered. She needed to build up the walls. Get her defenses firmly in place, so when I get her back, it will be with boundaries. I was determined though; I’d break those limits, just like I did last time. When it was all over, she’d be mine.
All of her.
And she’d have all of me.
I see her tug the chain against her neck, and I reach up and remove it from under her collar. I read the words and feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. Today was something she had worked so hard for, and he wasn’t here. Just like he wasn’t going to be there to walk her down the aisle at her wedding, he wasn’t here to see Angelo, and wouldn’t be here to see her children. She refused to burden anyone with the turmoil she was struggling with. She’s smiling in spite of her pain, typical Bianca. “Fuck, baby, I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. I’m sure everyone is dealing with it in their own way.” She looks at her family, and I feel that loss for her. Everyone was torn up in losing him, but none of them took the time to think of how it was affecting her. She was there for everyone, and nobody was there for her . . . including me.
“It’s not fine. I’m sorry. Shit, I’m so tired of saying that to you. I shouldn’t constantly be doing shit I have to apologize for.” I take a deep breath and grab her hand. “You have to know how fucking proud he would be of you. He is, he’s watching you. Just like I told you that night, you’re surrounded by his love. You were his baby girl, his Princess.” She wipes a lone tear fro
m her cheek.
Leaning up, she presses a kiss to my neck. “Thank you.” She disappears towards the bathroom, and I walk over to the rest of the crew.
“Bronson, you need to do something for Bianca.” His face is confused as he raises his eyebrow at me. “We don’t see it. We don’t look beneath the surface, but today is hard for her. She has a fucking pendant with a message for your dad inscribed on it. She’s wearing it today, to help her get through it.”
Gianna lowers her head and squeezes her eyes. “Sometimes I forget she’s vulnerable. She hides it.”
“Fuck,” Bronson whispers.
Callie takes Angelo from his arms, “Go. Just take her and you two go. Make it count, Bronson. Give her what he would have.” She passes Angelo to Gianna. “You,” she points to me, “are taking me somewhere so we can chat.” I don’t bother to argue with her, guessing she’s gotten the sordid tale of what I did. Time to take it like a man, and Callie is going to hand me my balls.
“Let’s go.” We all leave while Bronson stays back waiting for Bianca. I may not have gotten her that pendant, but I’m giving her something else; something invaluable. I hope she realizes what a gift she is.
Callie gets in my car. “Find somewhere where we won’t be disturbed.” The bite in her words leaves me with no argument, and strangely I’m looking forward to this smack down. One, I deserve it, and two, I may get some insight into where Bianca stands.
I end up parked in the lot of the football stadium, and with the heat, she opts for the outside. I turn the car off and meet her at the front. She doesn’t lean against the hood like I do; she launches into her tirade without preamble. “How could you? I was one of your biggest supporters. From the time she saw you, I knew it was more than she alluded to. I pushed her, forced her to open her mind up to a relationship. She fought me tooth and nail, and I still held firm. Then you break up with her . . . with good reason. I actually thought you were noble, and I saw how bad that hurt you. You refused to put her in a situation that would cause her pain. Finally . . . you have it all in front of you, the love you fought for, the love you stole from her, you threw it back in her face by fucking someone else. God, Dakota what were you thinking?”
Bellissimo Lotta (Beautiful Struggle): Companion Novel to Bellissimo Fortuna (The Family Trilogy Book 2) Page 15
