“No, I just love you.”
Her hand comes to my face, “I love you. More than I ever thought possible. You’re my first love and will forever own a part of me. As much as I want to say yes, as much as I feel your love, each word you speak bathes me in light then casts me into darkness. I want to forget. I want to forgive. You loved me at my weakest, you showed such strength in that time, but when I was ready to give you me at my strongest, completely and forever, you showed me what a coward you were. Love has never been the problem with us. Enduring the love is our issue. I don’t think that is true love. I want the love that surpasses my dreams and never creates nightmares.”
She turns to leave, and I reach for her. “If you leave me there is nothing else I can do. I love you, but I have nothing else for you to take from me. I’ll love you and forever be yours. Even if you move on, you’ll always have a place with me. In my heart. In my arms. Burned into my soul. You consume me. For-fucking-ever. If you walk out that door, I’ll let you go, but I’ll never give up the hope you’ll come back.”
I pull her to me, and as my lips brush hers I taste the saltiness of her tears, I feel her shuddering breath whispering against my face. I drop my head in defeat and hold her for another minute. I know she feels the wetness soaking into her neck, and she holds me tighter. This is as scary for her as it is for me. We don’t know how to be anything but together. In separation we’ve always held each other together. “You’re going to leave me, aren’t you?” I sigh into her neck.
She shakes her head and lets her arms drop. I let her feel my mouth on her shoulder and close my eyes, memorizing this moment, the feel of her skin, and the smell of her perfume. The way her body was made for mine, it fits perfectly in my arms. I drop my arms and step back, giving her what she asked.
Every step she takes towards the door is like a knife drilling into my heart, my stomach, and when she reaches for the doorknob I can’t stand it any longer and sink down to the floor.
I refuse to blink; I torture myself watching her take each step, taking her farther from me.
She doesn’t look back, and that door shutting is the last sound I hear before I lose it.
The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end.
~Benjamin Disraeli
Epilogue
Bianca
Eighteen months later
He meant what he said.
I walked away from him at the wedding, not willing to open my heart to him, and he was done. He left the next day for Denver. Three months later he transferred to the New Orleans division for a special case and returned seven months later. In that time I evaluated what I wanted and needed. I moved to Miami for a year to be closer to my family. I didn’t go back to Heath right away, that wouldn’t have been fair to either of us, and I owed him more than that.
Dakota’s home, and we’ve had the awkward birthday dinners, family outings; we’re both godparents to Angelo. When he came home he brought a girl. He’s moved forward with his life, and I still feel like I’m in transition. Not stuck, I have Heath but haven’t been able to let that last wall down. Total surrender scares the shit out of me.
Sitting at the club listening to Lynsey sing, I stare at the envelope I have clutched like a shield since it arrived in the mail today. It’s not a shield; it’s the final nail in the coffin. I knew they were serious; he brought her to Angelo’s birthday party for fuck’s sake. I feel like my chest hasn’t expanded effusively since opening the mail.
“Hey gorgeous.” Heath smiles at me as he reaches my table.
“Hey.” I try to disguise the pain in my voice. I notice his eyes look down, and when his eyes meet mine, I feel like shit. He knows. He sees the struggle. I stare into his rich, chocolate eyes and ask myself what is wrong with me.
“You okay?” He nods towards my hands, still clutching the piece of paper.
“Sure.”
“Bianca, it’s okay to be sad. I told you to be honest with me, no matter what. Hiding is what killed us last time.”
“It’s not fair. I don’t feel right talking to you about this.”
“I see you haven’t clued in to all the shit I’ve been telling you. You need to work through it. I’m here until you tell me not to be.” How can he be so okay with this? I’d lose my mind if I felt his ex was constantly creating a barrier between us. I do love him, but I still love Dakota, too.
“Heath . . . ” I start but don’t have the words.
“Yeah, babe. I mean what I say.” He kisses my cheek and makes his way through the club, checking patrons, and doing his job.
“Fuck!”
“Well, hello to you, too.” I didn’t realize Lynsey had finished her set. “Problems?”
I throw the envelope to her and see her eyes widen then jerk back to me. “I’d say you do. What are you going to do?”
“Not a fucking clue. Is there anything to do?”
“Only you can answer that.” She stretches to grab my wrist, flipping it over so I can see the words inscribed on the inside. ‘Nessun Rimpianto’ . . . no regrets.
“Thanks. That helps a lot.”
“Only you know what you want. You love Heath?”
“Yes,” I answer simply . . . honestly. “But, I love Dakota, too.”
“Where’s your heart?”
“Lost.”
“Find it.”
“Oh-kay.” This is helpful.
“Bianca, I’ve watched you these last few months, you’ve been happy. Free. The ghosts aren’t totally gone from your eyes, but they’ve almost disappeared. One man created the ghosts. Another man eases the demons.”
I nod in agreement.
“Maybe it’s time to let him go. I don’t know if you love him so much as you feel responsible for him in a way. His happiness was dependent on you for so long.”
I hold up the cardboard square. “I did let him go. Eighteen months ago. If this doesn’t scream it, I don’t know what does.”
“No, it’s time for you to let him go. Set yourself free. You set him free from you, now do yourself the same courtesy.” She stands and takes the stage, her break over. Her voice drifts through the sound system with a haunting tone. ‘Let it Out’ by Mia Sable wafts through the air, and I feel like she is singing to me. I wipe a lone tear from my cheek. The only one I’ve shed in months. I take a deep breath and read the words that are choking me.
Mr. and Mrs. Preston request your presence in celebrating the marriage of their daughter
Lisa Nicole Preston
to
Dakota James Hyatt
Married. Fuck. Is this how our story ends? One piece of paper destroyed us. Can I allow another one to do the same?
Playlist
Nothin’ Like You -- Dan+Shay
Fighter -- Christina Aguilera
Stop The Bleeding -- Sarah Darling
Burning House -- Cam
Fall -- Ed Sheeran
Let It Out -- Mia Sable
Acknowledgements
Each book gets harder and harder because I have so many people supporting me, giving me encouragement and a swift kick in the ass when I need it, which is frequently.
My betas- Girls, I couldn’t do this without you. You catch mistakes, tell me what works and what sucks . . . thank you.
Steph- From the moment you started this story your voice of reassurance has been forefront and I couldn’t survive daily without you. #GFY #SisterWives
Author Bio
Leigh Ann Lunsford is a stay at home mom turned author. She writes Romance/New Adult and loves her happily ever after in all books and movies. She lives with her husband, son, and four dogs in Fleming Island, Florida. When she isn’t writing or reading you can find her stuck in front of really bad reality shows or watching Sons of Anarchy. Leigh Ann has a filthy mouth and a huge amount of sarcasm that knows no end. She hopes to give the voices in her head an outlet with many more novels to come.
Social Media/Email:
Facebook: http://www.facebo
ok.com/leighannauthor
Email: [email protected]
Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/25235051
Bellissimo Lotta (Beautiful Struggle): Companion Novel to Bellissimo Fortuna (The Family Trilogy Book 2) Page 21
