The matter of Lydia's departure, however, sent the entire household into a flurry of cries and slamming doors, as the party was scheduled for two days after Lydia was to depart with the Forsters. Tears and histrionics filled the hallways for the better part of the afternoon and well into the evening, giving Elizabeth little peace to ruminate on her feelings.
When the household finally settled Elizabeth finally had the privacy of her thoughts and she held her hand to her bosom where she'd kept his letter for nearly three weeks, willing the words to reform. Every night in the privacy of her chamber when Jane had fallen asleep, she carefully unfolded it hoping against hope that its contents would magically appear. The large smear of black ink somehow moving about the page to form into the words that Mr. Darcy had felt he so needed her to know. Alas, it was gone, and with her reproach and subsequent departure, she felt certain she would never know what that letter had held. Perhaps the answers to all her questions and the reasons, oh heavens, the reasons she so desperately craved. Answers that would allow her the slightest bit of peace. She so desperately wanted to be wrong about her opinion of Mr. Darcy, and yet that desperation only brought her more pain. Thus as she had every night since that fateful day, she fell into a fitful sleep, full of dreams of a life with Mr. Darcy that seemed to slip further from her grasp as each new day began.
The next few days were spent settling back into the routine of daily life and preparing for Lydia's departure. She had only stopped lamenting her absence at the party long enough to gather the energy in sleep for another day's lament. No amount of promises of dances in Brighton could soothe the savage beast of Lydia's demanding nature, and a note was sent to the Forsters to inquire into delaying the departure. Alas, Lydia was forced to make a decision between the party and her holiday, and she made her choice for Brighton.
As for Elizabeth, she was glad of the regiment's departure, although her concern for Lydia didn't abate, even with the supervision of the Forsters. She was relieved though that her opportunities for running into Mr. Wickham were now greatly diminished. She wasn't certain she'd manage to keep her mouth from betraying her in wanting to know the particulars of his history with Mr. Darcy. Although confident that an exchange with Mr. Wickham would prove no more informative than her previous one, Elizabeth still felt a sense of relief that her trip to Meryton with her sisters for extra ribbons for Lydia's trip did not involve a meeting with Mr. Wickham.
The morning of Lydia's departure came soon enough and the entire Bennet household was once again thrown into chaos by the histrionics of Mrs. Bennet at the loss of her Lydia. Until such time as Kitty managed to divert her mother's attentions to the party that evening, no one was able to hear their own thoughts over the zealous lament of Mrs. Bennet.
Preparations for the dance soon overcame Mrs. Bennet's duress and the chaos changed its timbre.
Elizabeth thought a party might be an enjoyable distraction from the constant swirling of thoughts in her mind, although the absence of her friend Charlotte would be keenly felt. Her thoughts of Mr. Darcy threatened to overwhelm her if she didn't keep them at bay. While she was well aware that time would do a great deal to ease her suffering, she couldn't help but wonder at the contents of the letter. That she still kept it in her bosom spoke to her reluctance to let the matter go, a point which Jane made early on in their return.
"It's best just to accept the loss and continue on my dear sister, " Jane told her as they dressed for the party.
Elizabeth smiled and put the letter on her dressing table, smoothing its worn edges. There would be no cause to hide it amongst her things, as it appeared to the uninformed eye to be a piece of folded paper with smeared ink. No one could accuse her of a liaison. Still, once the two sisters had finished dressing, Elizabeth hurried back into the room and tucked the letter back into its place next to her heart.
Mrs. Bennet frowned when the girls descended the stairs, as neither of the sisters had taken any care to buy new ribbons or make any attempts to change their appearance from the last ball they'd attended at Netherfield. They were in effect, mirror images of their prior attire. The fact wasn't lost on either of them, however, Mrs. Bennet nearly lost her breath at the idea of their "lack of concern" for appearance. To be honest the girls looked just as beautiful in their second appearance as they had lo' those many months ago. As for how their mother had managed to remember their exact attire from last November they couldn't say. The two girls hadn't discussed their dress and only realized themselves upon their mother's sighs of discontentment. Perhaps they both unwittingly wanted to remember a time prior to their heartbreak.
Insisting that they hadn't time for an outfit change, the girls headed into the carriage with the rest of the family and headed toward Lucas Lodge, suffering the admonitions of their mother the entire trip.
No sooner had they entered Lucas Lodge then the sisters were assaulted with their sister Kitty's excited exclamations that Mr. Bingley had returned to Netherfield and might make an appearance at the party. Elizabeth felt her heart nearly burst with fear at the idea of seeing Mr. Darcy again.
The many days she'd spent constantly reminding herself that his character was in question had done nothing to abate her deep feelings for him. Air was suddenly in short supply and she turned to Jane to distract her mind by focusing on Jane's concerns.
It would appear that Jane pursued the same tactic as she turned to Elizabeth and said smiling, " Perhaps you will have an opportunity to have some of your questions answered."
"Never mind my concerns sister, I will endeavor to ease your mind, do you feel strong? How may I help you?" Elizabeth said.
Jane took Elizabeth's arm in her own and patted it saying, "My dear sister I am quite strong and believe I am quite recovered from my affliction. I'm sure I could happily converse with him now and barely feel a thing. Alas, there's no indication he will even attend the party."
Elizabeth returned her sister's caring touch saying "And there was no mention of Mr. Bingley bringing any guests to Netherfield, so we neither of us need jump to conclusions."
Elizabeth felt her heart take a deep breath at the soothing idea that perhaps she wouldn't have to see Mr. Darcy, and when the dancing began, she allowed herself to take pleasure in watching the fun.
"Miss Bennet, may I have the pleasure of a dance." A voice behind Elizabeth broke her reverie and her heart nearly burst to hear it. She turned knowing full well the owner and steeled herself to refuse him, but upon laying her eyes upon her dear Mr. Darcy the intention evaporated and instead the words "of course" escaped her lips and she offered him her hand, which he took, sending shivers up her spine that threatened to take her breath away.
The nearness of him was all too much and Elizabeth struggled to keep her wits about her. Her mental admonishments to stop behaving like Lydia did little to allay the surge of feeling that washed through her as Mr. Darcy took every opportunity to come in contact with her skin, setting each bit of it on fire. His eyes never left hers and she felt herself mesmerized. Try as she might the concerns of his character were no match for the feelings coursing through her being. He had captivated her and if she were not careful she would succumb to his charms. She wanted to fall into the abyss of his eyes and stay there forever, but how could she reconcile herself to dismissing his actions toward Jane and Mr. Wickham. Finally, her torment ended as the dance finished and she was free to gather herself in mindless conversation. Upon the final note of the last song, Mr. Darcy finally spoke, "May I have the honor of another dance, there is much I wish to say to you." His eyes implored her and she felt as though her tears would overwhelm her. "Perhaps," was all she managed to say as the dance ended and she was free to detach herself from this distress.
With no further explanation, Elizabeth made her way as far out of Mr. Darcy's sight as she could manage.
Elizabeth could still feel the lingering warmth of his touch as they danced. Her skin seemed on fire. The single brush of his fingers on her own caused a reaction in her the
likes of which she'd never known. The heat must be a flush, everyone would see and there would be questions and concerns. She had to get some air and get hold of herself, lest anyone see her in this state. Did her skin match the fire that she felt?
She searched for an exit. Just a moment outside to gather herself in the summer evening's air. She wouldn't be missed. She quickly weighed her options and immediately felt the necessity of leaving the party alone to collect herself. She could achieve her goal and be back before anyone was the wiser. As it was, if she stayed, her condition would surely attract attention. Her mind ran amok, clouding her judgment. She scanned the room to look for any safety and, finding none, stealthily made her way out the door and down the hall. Her only concern was for air, fresh, cleansing air. She hurried out the doors onto the terrace outside and took a long deep breath, followed by an exhalation of tears the likes of which her body didn't know it was capable.
CHAPTER NINE
Mr. Darcy followed behind Elizabeth, desperate to right his wrongs. In the weeks since his disastrous proposal, he was filled with one singular purpose. To win Ms. Elizabeth Bennet's affections. He was certain that his letter would explain his motivations for actions in a manner that would satisfy her concerns of his character. That he could never apologize enough for the pain he had caused her both in his prideful actions and his careless proposal he knew, but he would spend a lifetime trying to earn her forgiveness. That was certain.
Even as he followed her out to the courtyard his mind told him that he must stop putting his own needs before hers. That her happiness was of greater import than his own, and his behavior toward her had been entirely selfish. His mind split in two as the rational side of him insisted he cease and desist this uncharacteristic behavior, unfitting to a gentleman of his stature, while his heart knew nothing other than its need for her nearness.
He stood silently at the back of the terrace warring in his mind as sobs racked her body and she grasped the railing to steady herself. He couldn't bear to see her in this pain. Whatever needs must be done he would do it, for her, starting now, damn the costs to his own heart, he would see her happy again, even if it meant losing his own.
He spoke with only a desire to end her torment, "Please allow me to ease your pain if I might?"
Elizabeth started, nearly letting out a yelp and spun around to see him standing behind her. The look of sadness on her face matched his entirely and she stood stiff as a statue, obviously unsure of his intentions.
"Mr. Darcy, I..." She froze, at a loss for words, and stared directly at him. His eyes burned with a flame that made his mind struggle to remember itself. His feet began to move toward her, his arms outstretched, all the while a small voice in the back of his mind protested, telling him to check himself and behave like the gentleman he had been so proud to be. His legs continued their journey toward his beloved with only the thought of being by her side and never leaving it again. If he could have found a way to turn off his mind and give in completely to his need he would have given his entire fortune for just the happiness of one moment with her.
The world moved in slow motion around him and as he came upon her she welcomed him with a look of understanding, this pain that would only be abated by their union. His body continued to move against his will and their lips met, his arms encircling her and holding on as though they were certain to fall into the very pits of the underworld if they lost hold of each other.
In the instant his lips were upon hers, he knew the depth of her feelings for him as surely as he understood his own. All doubt left him and he succumbed to the feeling of being one with her. She returned his kiss with a feverish determination as though it could keep out the rest of the world.
Their bodies seemed to melt into each other as their kiss grew more passionate. Everything around them disappeared until they were the only thing left in the world. No wind blew, no crickets chirped, everything was still, save the sound of their two hearts beating together as one.
Until a familiar shrill sound cut through their ecstasy.
"Do not be alarmed everyone, it was just a mouse," cried the familiar voice.
CHAPTER TEN
Elizabeth turned her head, still locked in an embrace with Mr. Darcy, to see the majority of the party goers standing outside on the opposite terrace in full view of her interlude with Mr. Darcy. Mrs. Bennet at the helm, a look of panic and fear on her face, her eyes seemed fixed on Mr. Darcy in a way that made Elizabeth fear for Mr. Darcy's safety.
"Oh, dear me, I'm so sorry to have caused alarm," Mrs. Bennet began in addressing the gaping mouths of the party goers. "I thought for certain I saw a mouse skitter across my path. I even startled my daughter and her betrothed, Mr. Darcy." Mrs. Bennet said all this with her eyes firmly fixed on Mr. Darcy, her face set in a certainty that even Elizabeth feared.
Elizabeth felt bile rising from her belly, her mother had just claimed them betrothed. She couldn't breathe, her life was ending before it had even begun.
But Mr. Darcy didn't hesitate, "Oh, dear Ms. Bennet, it seems we've been discovered before your family has made their announcement. I'm so terribly sorry, Mrs. Bennet, I know how much you were looking forward to it."
Elizabeth could barely breathe, was this really happening? She had no choice but to align herself with the current charade. "Yes, please forgive us in keeping our betrothal to ourselves for just one more night. The plan had been to send out the letters in the morning."
Elizabeth felt a rising panic threaten to overwhelm her as she looked upon her father's face. He managed to participate convincingly receiving round after round of congratulations on the well-suited match. No one seemed the wiser and the party headed back inside bringing a shocked Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy inside for a round of congratulations and more dancing. The party was so lively with the exciting news that Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy spent the rest of the evening apart from each other, each held captive by well wishers wanting a piece of the couple's happiness for their own. Elizabeth hadn't a moment to contemplate what had taken place and in the commotion that followed her memory of the specifics of the event reduced themselves down to the singular feeling of kissing Mr. Darcy. She could not reconcile herself to this unforeseen confluence of events and as such spent most of the rest of the evening in a haze.
Mrs. Bennet took full advantage of the situation, enjoying the focus of attention on the most excellent match and by the end of the evening seemed even herself convinced that it had not occurred in such an unseemly manner.
When finally they returned home to Longbourn, Elizabeth turned to her father who, shaking his head, frowned, saying "We'll speak privately in the morning."
Elizabeth felt the disappointment of her father and it was almost too much to bear. When she was finally safe in her chamber Elizabeth released her pent up emotions in a torrent of weeping that confused her poor sister beyond all measure.
"Oh, Jane, what have I done?" she cried.
"I don't understand Elizabeth, if you are not happy with the match why did you accept him?" Jane asked.
Jane's face fell in shock as Elizabeth relayed the events of being compromised and her mother's opportunistic rescue.
"But, Elizabeth, certainly Mr. Darcy had no intention of such a thing occurring, but that doesn't mean he's not elated with the outcome. You must have seen the happiness that beamed from his face at the very mention of your union," Jane said.
Elizabeth was not so certain, she was sure she'd seen only a face of panic and fear. A man who'd been tricked into marrying her, tricked by Mrs. Bennet, the very woman who's behavior had caused him such pause in his feelings for Elizabeth that he'd tried to refuse their existence.
Jane refused to see the matter in that light and felt certain that Mr. Darcy was more than happy to be engaged to Elizabeth, after all, he'd proposed once before.
Elizabeth couldn't believe her circumstances and insisted on pursuing the matter of her rejection of Mr. Darcy's proposal in Hunsford.
"Lizzie, don't
be silly, certainly you will now have an opportunity to discover the contents of the letter and it can be confirmed that Mr. Darcy's character is without question, above reproach. For I have heard it with my own ears from Mr. Bingley himself."
Elizabeth's heart sank at the mention of Mr. Bingley. She'd been so caught up in her own self-pity that she'd not taken a moment to find out if Mr. Bingley's return was for Jane.
"Oh, Jane, I'm so sorry to have been so concerned with only my own self. I never even inquired about your evening with Mr. Bingley, was it everything you hoped for?" Elizabeth asked.
Jane's face beamed, "Yes, Lizzie, it was, and I have your Mr. Darcy to thank for it."
"I don't understand," Elizabeth said, having some idea of the explanation, but as she had kept information from her sister she continued on as if ignorant.
Jane let out a gentle laugh, "There is no longer any need to feign innocence sister, Mr. Bingley has informed me of Mr. Darcy's involvement in their sudden departure from Netherfield this November last. It seemed Mr. Bingley had every intention of returning to Netherfield, but upon discovering from his sister Caroline that during our visits I didn't even inquire after him, he considered if perhaps he had been mistaken in my affections, and Elizabeth, he confided a confidence in me which I'm sure I may now share with you, and you will be happy to know. Mr. Darcy admitted that while he did believe that I had no affection for Mr. Bingley, he only used it as an excuse to be separated from you, as he felt quite certain that you would never come to love him and he wanted to find a way to recover from his admiration of you. I'm certain he must have told in his letter, perhaps tomorrow when he comes to talk to father you can inquire."
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