I held the wheel so tight, my knuckles ached. Jackson Worthington, all grown-up and hardened, was unlike anything I’d ever witnessed before. Something about him was reckless and untamed, like how he refused to wear a freaking seatbelt, of all things. But at the same time, I felt as if he never really let his control go. Actually, not wearing a seatbelt was kind of remaining in control. He didn’t want to wear one, so he didn’t. And nothing I, or the law, said would make him budge.
I stopped at the next light.
We were out of the tourist section of Arlington, and I didn’t recognize any of the buildings around us. Actually, I was fairly certain we were heading out of Arlington and into Arlandria—a sketchy area between Arlington and Alexandria. A few minutes of tense silence later, I searched the shadows at a red light, watching as a shady man dressed in black watched me. When it changed to green, I stepped on the gas a little heavier than needed. “Why did you do it?”
“Turn right.” He shifted his weight and threw his arm over the back of my seat. “Why did I do what?”
This change in position made his fingers brush my bare shoulder, and it reminded me all too well that the best way to rebel against a loveless marriage was sitting right next to me…if I was bold enough to grab it. I could see the fire burning in his eyes. But he’d broken my heart all those years ago. So I ignored that fire and turned right. “Hit him.”
“He was asking for it. You seemed scared, and men should never treat women like property. It pisses me off, so I punched him.” He played with a strand of my hair, and even though it killed me, I didn’t look away from the road. “I was right. It’s as soft as I remember.”
My stomach erupted with a whole swarm of butterflies taking flight. “My hair?”
“Yes. I was watching you, before I knew who you were, and I was thinking that it looked soft.” He tugged a little harder. “Then when I realized who you were, I knew that it was. But even so, I wondered if my memory just made it out to seem that way.”
Tingles went straight from my scalp to the spot in between my thighs that ached for his attention so badly it was almost painful. “Why were you watching me?”
“Make the next right.”
I did, my heart speeding faster than ever before. We entered into an even shadier part of town. I wasn’t sure why he was staying here. Daddy could definitely afford better. But then again, he hadn’t exactly announced his arrival to him. Or me. “You didn’t answer my question.”
“You’re bossy now. I like it,” he said, his tone light as he rolled the strand over his finger. “And, yeah. I liked what I saw…until you turned around, that is.”
My fingers flexed. “I’ve been told once or twice that my front is just as pleasing as my back.”
“It is. I liked everything I saw…until I realized who you were. That kinda killed the mood.” He tugged on my hair one last time before letting go. “Pull into the parking lot. I’m in the building with an A on it.”
He’d chosen to stay at some no-name motel…with an m, not an h. It wasn’t even a chain. After I pulled into the lot and parked, I glanced out the window. The building he spoke of had seen better days. It was run-down, a bunch of the gutters were busted and hanging off the ratty roof, and the concrete was broken in some places. As if that wasn’t enough, bars covered the windows. Actual prison-type bars. It was like something straight out of a horror movie. “So…this is where you’re staying.”
“What’s the matter? Never been to this side of town before?”
I folded my hands in my lap primly. “What makes you think that?”
“You’re a sheltered Hastings girl,” he said, his voice dry. “The kind that doesn’t go to the shady parts of town, or do things that could be risky. Your family’s too good for that. You’re too good for that.”
I wasn’t too good to climb onto your lap and kiss you, was I? “That’s not true. You’re pegging me as the same kid I used to be. I’m not. Believe me, I’m not.”
He chuckled. “So you like doing bad things?”
I wanted to do one really bad thing right now…and it was him. “Yeah, if the situation warrants it.”
“Is that so?” He tapped his fingers on the windowsill of the car. “Tell me, were you going to go home with all those men tonight? At once?”
I barely held my gasp back. Yes, I’d been dancing and flirting and having fun. Maybe, just maybe, if one of them had played his cards right, I might have gone home with him. But all of them? At once? How did one even do such a thing?
There was only so much room on my body.
Certainly not enough for four men.
It suited me to let him think that I would, though, so I shrugged. “We’ll never know now, will we?”
He laughed. A full-out laugh. “Oh, I think I know the answer well enough. Hell, Daddy probably already has a black-tie husband all picked out for you, doesn’t he?”
I rubbed my thighs and didn’t answer. Daddy had a husband all picked out and contracted, sure. But I hadn’t said yes. And I didn’t have a ring on my finger.
And Derek obviously wasn’t pining away for me.
When I remained silent, he stilled. “Wait, is that a yes?”
“So what if it is?”
He leaned forward. “Did he actually—?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said quickly. Stiffly. Plus, if I had it my way, I’d get out of it. It was just a matter of time. “And just because I know what I’m doing with my life doesn’t mean I never go places. Do things. See things.”
“Do you?” He shifted his weight in the seat, and he managed to make that look sexier than a man on a freaking GQ cover with all the right lighting and cameras. “Do things? With other people? With men, in particular?”
I bit my tongue. No. Not really. He was right. I was ridiculously sheltered. I’d barely done or seen anything. But I was trying to fix that…and if he wasn’t careful, I’d fix it with him. “Yes. All the time. I’ve done things. Lots of things, with lots of guys.”
“Oh, yeah?”
I swallowed hard. “Yeah. Totally.”
“Tell me a secret, before you go back to being that good little girl we all know you are, despite the little bit of rebellion I sense trying to peek through the cracks.” He leaned in again, overwhelming me with his closeness. “If I was anyone else, would you have gone home with me? Would you have let me touch you? Kiss you? Make you scream?” He moved even closer, until our noses touched. “Would you have let me fuck you, Lilly?”
I pressed my thighs together, trying to ease the strange ache he’d brought to life with his deep, raspy voice. Trying my best not to show just how badly I wanted him to do exactly that. He’d used me seven years ago, and all I could think about was ripping my clothes off, falling to my knees, and yelling, Take me, I’m ready!
But it was a bad idea. He was a bad idea.
“You’re not someone else. You’re you. And I’m me. There’s no escaping that.” I bit my lip and asked, “Would you have taken me home, if I was anyone else?”
Stiffening, he pulled back, nostrils flared. “No. Forget this ever happened, little girl. And forget where I’m staying, too.”
He opened the door and slammed it behind him. Shoving his hands into his pockets, he walked toward the building without looking back at me. I waited to shift into reverse until he walked into the lobby safely. My fingers twitched on the wheel, and every inch of me trembled with the urge to prove him wrong again.
To show him I wasn’t as good as he thought I was.
That I could be bad, too, like him.
Chapter 3
Jackson
Late the next morning, I woke up with a hell of a headache and a blurry memory of everything from the night before. One thing I knew for sure was that I’d seen Lilly, and I said some things I knew I would soon regret…if I remembered them, that was. Though I was ninety-nine percent certain I told her if she was someone else, I would have fucked her. What was I thinking?
&nbs
p; We were supposed to be family, damn it.
All she’d done was offer me a ride home, and I’d acted like a drunken fool. Par for the course these days. When I was sober, I was disciplined. I held myself tightly, and never forgot who I was and what I was supposed to be doing at any given time. But when I was drunk…yeah. It was the complete opposite.
Last night was the perfect example of that.
“Damn it,” I muttered, covering my face with my hands.
I’d already taken advantage of her kind heart once, and I refused to do it again. But on that note, damn it, why did she make me so hungry for her? All we’d shared was a short kiss seven years ago, but the second I saw her again…I wanted her. Wanting her might not be wrong, ethically speaking, but it felt wrong.
And I carried enough “wrong” all on my own.
Rolling over, I picked up my phone and swiped my finger across it. I’d missed a call from Tyler at nine this morning, so I returned it immediately. I had to be at my therapist’s in twenty minutes. And for the first time in forever, I actually had something to talk about. Lilly, and our parting, and what to do to make it up to her.
“Hello?” Tyler said.
“Hey.” I rubbed my throbbing forehead and got out of bed. Naked, I padded barefoot across the bedroom and into the attached bathroom. “I’m sorry about last night.”
Glasses clanged in the background. “What was up with that, man? Why did you punch that guy? I know you drank a lot, but come on.”
I opened a bottle of ibuprofen and dumped three into my hand. “I know, and I’m sorry. But that girl…I know her. And the jackass was being aggressive with her. Even if she’d been a stranger, I woulda reacted the same.”
Tyler sighed. “I know, but next time, maybe exercise some of that superhuman self-control we both know you have?”
After I swallowed the pills, I nodded, even though he couldn’t see me. “I will. I swear. It just threw me off, seeing her like that. And he touched her, and I just…”
“Who is she to you? An ex?”
“Hell, no. No. No.” I snorted and scratched my head. “She’s my stepsister. The one who used to write me all the time overseas.”
“Oh.” Tyler fell silent. His silence was more telling than any words could have been. He, more than anyone, knew how much those letters had meant to me. And how much I’d missed them once they stopped. “Damn, man, she’s hot. You didn’t tell me that when you were waxing poetic about her smile all those years.”
“No.” I rubbed my aching temples. The last thing I needed was Tyler chasing after Lilly. “No. She’s not. No.”
“I think one no would have sufficed,” Tyler said drily. “Methinks the asshole doth protest too much…or whatever the hell Shakespeare said in that play.”
“Piss off,” I muttered.
But he was right.
The first time Lilly and I met, she looked up at me with hopeful eyes, my favorite cookies on a plate in her shaking hands. When she said hello, her voice low and shy, I softened, the shell around my heart cracking. It scared me, that crack, that new weakness.
So I tried to push her away.
Even back then, I had a feeling she could make me break my rules. Make me care. So I left her behind, escaping into the military life, and pretended I never gave her a second thought. I became pretty damn good at it. So good that she probably believed she never meant anything to me at all, when in fact she was the only one I’d cared about.
That was, hands down, the shittiest thing I’d ever done.
And the hardest.
Even at eighteen, my path had been laid out in front of me. I knew I had to get out of Arlington, away from my mother and my new stepfather, who’d already proven to be quite an asshole. I planned to make a name for myself in the army. Be a hero. Retire after I’d served my twenty years. That was the plan. It wasn’t anymore.
Life had a way of doing that to you.
But now I was being given a second chance to know Lilly, to try and be the stepbrother I never considered being, and I wasn’t going to take that lightly.
I frowned at myself in the mirror. My reflection stared back, judging me and finding me severely lacking. There was no avoiding it. I had to apologize to Lilly.
And I would.
Scratching my head, I turned away from my reflection. “I gotta go. I have to see Doc Greene in fifteen.”
“All right. See you later.” Tyler hesitated. “Tell her about last night.”
“I will,” I said.
Since coming back, Tyler had been my support system. He’d offered to let me move in with him, but he had an endless parade of women coming in and out of his apartment. It was how he coped with his PTSD, and I didn’t want to get swept into that.
I was doing just fine on my own.
Setting my phone down, I brushed my teeth, avoiding the mirror. I knew what I’d see. Dark eyes, darker hair, and a world full of fucked up in my soul.
I didn’t need to see it again.
When I got to my therapist’s office, I had two minutes to spare. She was an army doctor, but had an office in the swanky section of Arlington. Every time I came here, I worried I’d see someone from my old life. My mother. Walter.
Lilly.
So I breathed a sigh of relief as I entered into the office unseen. Walking up to the secretary, I gave her my name, showed her my DOD card, and sat down on the brown leather chair. Within minutes, the door cracked open. “Jackson, come in.”
I forced a smile and stood, walking past her. “You’re looking lovely, like usual, Doc. Gray looks good on you. It brings out your eyes.”
“Oh, you.” She waved a hand and smoothed her gray hair, her brown eyes shining with amusement. She was well into her sixties, and her husband had died in war. She’d been helping soldiers ever since. “You’re too much. Flirting with an old woman like me.”
I grinned and settled in on the couch, throwing an ankle over my knee. “I can’t help it. You make me forget all about numbers, Doc.”
Flushing, she sat. “Tell me, how’s your week been?”
“Ugh.” Dropping my head back on the couch, I sighed. “Diving right in, are we?”
“Jackson.”
“Fine, fine,” I muttered. “I didn’t tell anyone I’m back yet, but—”
“It’s been a month.”
“I know.” I hesitated. “Though, I saw Lilly last night. At the bar.”
She leaned forward. “Your stepsister.”
“Yeah…so she knows I’m back now.”
Nodding, she waved her hand. “And how did it go?”
“Nothing like I wanted it to,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck.
“You wanted to make it up to her. Show her you were a nice guy, and that you were sorry about the past. About running, and not writing back.” She tapped her pen on her knee. “I’m taking it that didn’t happen.”
“No. Because I’m not a nice guy. I’m an asshole.”
Doc tsked. “What did I tell you?”
“That I’m not an asshole.” But I was. History didn’t lie.
“Correct.” Doc nodded. “So, tell me what happened.”
“She was nice. Perfectly polite. But I was drunk, and I said some things I shouldn’t have said. Some inappropriate things.” I glanced at her quickly, not going into too much detail. “I want to make it up to her, but how can I make it right again if I can’t even manage to act like a nice guy for ten minutes with her?”
I’d told her all about our past. It kinda became necessary when it came to explaining to her why I didn’t want to tell my mother I was home. That damn kiss…and my cruel abandonment afterward. Lilly actually asked me if I had used her. She thought I was that guy. Maybe I was.
Sometimes, I wasn’t so sure.
Doc tapped her fingers on her chair arm. “I don’t know. How do you think you can do it?”
“Shit, I don’t know.” I dragged a hand down my face. “Apologize for kissing her in the first place? For never w
riting her back? Spend more time with her, without being a jerk? Be nice? Show her I do like her, despite my actions all those years ago?”
Doc smiled. “That’s a start. Why do you want to do these things, though?”
“She was always nice to me, even when no one else was.” I lifted a shoulder. “I want to do the same for her.”
Doc Greene nodded. “And I think that’s a great start. Spend more time with her. Show her you’ve changed, and that you’re not that boy from all those years ago. If she spends time with you, she’ll see it for herself.”
I nodded, but deep down I didn’t know that she was right. After all, I still wanted her. Even though I knew I shouldn’t, couldn’t, want her…I did.
And that was what made me such a shitty person.
“You don’t look convinced,” she said.
“It’s just…” I glanced at her, not sure how honest I wanted to be. “She’s very pretty, and there are old emotions at play. And that’s wrong, and twisted, and sick…”
Doc held up her hand. “She’s not actually your sister. Let’s get that out in the open.”
“I know. But still.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “It’s wrong, right?”
“It would be wrong to take advantage of her, or for you to make her think you want more from her than you do.” Doc sat back and pushed her glasses back into place. “But for you to spend time getting to know her—the real her—isn’t bad. Keep in mind, you’ve matured and changed over the past seven years, right?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“Well, one could argue that she has, too.” Doc smiled. “You probably don’t know her as well as you think you do. Not anymore.”
I smiled. “I don’t know. She still has that hint of fire beneath her prim and proper attitude. But I don’t even know if she wants to see me again, not after last night. I don’t want to be too pushy.”
“Well, then, you’ll have to ask her—after you apologize. And try letting her show you how much she wants to get to know you, and let her decide how far it goes. Let her guide you, and you won’t go too far.”
Bad Romance Page 4
