by Callie Norse
He prayed Lisa would suffer very little. He prayed she would find the strength to cope with whatever was ahead. Then, he thought of how the doctor’s words had trailed off. Had he missed something? Was there hope for her?
When Greg arrived back at Lisa’s room, the doctor group was there. They proceeded to explain what they had found. “Lisa, your cancer has spread to many of your organs—the stomach, spleen, and liver all show signs of malignancies. There are three possible alternatives for treatment:
1. Insert radioisotopes through thin plastic tubes into the area where the cells are found
2. Chemotherapy
3. Do nothing
We want you to understand neither radiation nor chemotherapy will be a cure. They could slow down the progress and possibly help with the pain—no more.”
Greg thanked them. They expressed their regrets and left the room. Greg scooted his chair closer to Lisa. He wanted to lie beside her. He was afraid he would jar her and cause her more pain. The silence was obvious. They needed time to absorb what the doctors had said. At least, Greg felt they did.
“Do nothing,” Lisa quietly whispered.
“Sweetie, take your time to decide. You needn’t give them your decision so soon.”
“I have seen the suffering others have experienced with both chemo and radiation. If there could be a chance to be cured, sure I would want treatment. Without a cure, either would only make my valuable days full of suffering. I want to spend my time with you and Maggie, with life as normal as possible. To be going back and forth to doctors and hospitals, would fill my days with appointments and running, leaving little time for you and Maggie—not to mention how sick the treatment would make me feel.”
Three days later, Greg drove Lisa home. Maggie was so excited to have her mommy back home again. She had yet to be told. Lisa felt the time would come soon enough. For now, she wanted their life to be as normal as possible. She first needed to heal from the surgery. She was still quite sore, as was to be expected. Greg had taken some time off to be home with Lisa. She was surprisingly in good spirits. Greg felt she must be in the stage of denial. It had all come about so suddenly, or so it seemed.
*****
Within a few weeks, Lisa was feeling much better. She continued to tire easily, although she was able to function quite well. They had always spent most of their time together as a family. Now it had much more meaning than before. They made every minute of every day count. Lisa and Greg took Maggie to Brookfield Zoo in Chicago. She enjoyed seeing all the animals. There were so many more animals than at Aunt Lori’s. She couldn’t decide which she liked best—the bears, the monkeys, or the big elephants. She jabbered all the way home about what a special day it had been. She was wound up. She almost made it all the way home before falling asleep. Greg carried her into the house with her new stuffed monkey clenched in her hand, close to her chest, and laid her on the sofa in the parlor. He then went back to help Lisa. The day had been quite wearing on her. Many times she and Greg sat on a bench to rest, while they watched Maggie giggle over the animals. She would mimic first one animal and then another. Yes, it had been a most enjoyable day— “The mostest fun”, as Maggie had described it.
After tucking Maggie into bed for the night, Greg filled the Jacuzzi. He helped Lisa undress and step into the tub. As he placed his clothes on the chair, he noticed Lisa was watching him. She made no effort to reach out for him. Their time together was relaxing, although not the sexual, sensual time it had been before the diagnosis. Neither felt much like sex. They were hurting. It was difficult to think of sex, when they had so many other thoughts running through their heads. Lisa was concerned about how Greg and Maggie would manage without her. Greg was mostly concerned about how Lisa was feeling. He found it difficult to put what was ahead, out of his mind. On the other hand, it was almost difficult to believe Lisa was gravely ill, and that her time with them would soon be cut short.
Lisa spent as much time with Maggie as she could during her summer vacation from school. She read to her even more than usual, although she had always spent a lot of time reading to her. They played children’s card games and board games. They went shopping for fabric. Lisa made several little outfits for Maggie. She crocheted little doll blankets for her dollies.
Lisa had taught her to pray when she was less than two years old. They prayed more now.
One night in her evening prayers, Lisa was surprised when Maggie said, “And Jesus…one more thing—one very important thing—please help my mommy. She is very sick. Please help her to not hurt. She is a good mommy. She shouldn’t hurt. And Jesus…please…be her friend—her special friend—when she comes to live with you.”
Lisa was shocked. She and Greg were still searching for the right time to tell Maggie. Somehow, she already knew. Maggie climbed into bed. Lisa pulled the covers up under her chin, “Maggie, honey, who told you Mommy is going to live with Jesus?”
“Grandma did,” Maggie whispered, as she closed her eyes.
Lisa was amazed at how quickly Maggie was asleep. Did she really understand her mommy was dying?
Lisa looked up, as if to look up to heaven, “Thank-you, Mom. Thank-you for sparing me having to tell Maggie.”
Greg came upstairs as Lisa was leaving Maggie’s room.
“Hon, how about if we relax in the bedroom tonight? We can listen to music, read, or talk, whatever you would like,” he suggested.
“That sounds nice, honey. Some music would be great. How about ‘Let’s Make Love’?”
“Are you asking for the Faith Hill song, or to make love?” Greg asked.
“I was thinking of both,” Lisa smiled. Greg gave her that sexy smile of his and helped her into a comfortable cotton nightie he had purchased for her after she became so thin. She didn’t feel so much like dressing beautifully or sexy anymore. She catered toward being comfortable. Greg still thought she was beautiful, even though she was a little thin. Of course, he still felt she was sexy. She was just too tired and weak to act sexy. Greg slipped on a pair of sleep shorts, which he had worn very little until recently. He put on the Breathe CD, one of Faith Hill’s, and slipped into bed beside Lisa, put his arm around her, and cuddled her for a few minutes.
“Are you sure you are up to this, sweetie?” he whispered.
“I think it will be okay if we don’t get too rough.”
“Rough, who gets rough?” Greg winked. He slipped her nightie up and lovingly entered her. Ever so gently, he penetrated her with rhythmic motions. Much to his surprise she was beginning to respond. She began to moan in soft whispers, as she thrust gently toward him. He kissed her breasts, remembering how turned on she used to get as he played with them. Did he dare now, or would it wear her out too much?
Lisa must have known what he was thinking, “Sweetie, play with them.”
Greg began gently fondling her sensitive breasts. Her response wasn’t the usual, but the important thing was that they had again shared their intimate love. They lay closely, listening to Faith Hill, until Lisa fell asleep, obviously quite tired from making love. Greg lay there looking at her—thinking, praying for a miracle, although he knew it would take one huge miracle to save her.
The next morning, as they were getting dressed to go downstairs, Lisa looked at Greg, and said, “Honey, Maggie knows.”
“How do you know that?”
“She asked Jesus in her prayers last night to be my special friend, when I come to live with him. I asked her who told her this. She said, ‘Grandma did.’”
Greg held her tightly. He couldn’t bear the thought of her leaving—dying. He went in to the office later that morning. It was getting extremely difficult to go to work and leave her, as he wanted to spend every minute with her.
After Greg left, Lisa and Maggie went to the farm. Steve took Maggie out to the farmyard to give Lisa and Lori a chance to talk. Lisa had, of course, told Lori of her cancer. She hadn’t been ready to talk much in detail.
Once they were alone, Lisa opene
d up to Lori. “Lori, I know my days are short. My body is weaker, and I have little strength now to do the things I want to do. I want to stay home as long as possible, although I don’t want Maggie to see me suffer. I know cancer deaths, many times, are much less than a pretty sight. Maggie is so young. I want to spare her the gruesomeness of death. I want her to remember me, as I am now, not some pitiful suffering person. My death will be difficult enough for her. Please help her all you can. She loves being here with you and Steve and all your animals. And Greg, my wonderful, wonderful, loving husband—he is my strength—my love. To have to leave him hurts deeply. So few are so fortunate to find a love like ours. He is more than the typical male…much more. He is such a sensitive, caring, passionate man. He seems to know my every need before I do and sees that everything I need and desire is within my reach. Leaving him will be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. He is my life. I know life is eternal, but how can I live on without him by my side? I am very concerned about him. He will grieve terribly…I know him. I want him to go on with his life. Marta has always envied me for having found Greg. My hope is the two of them can be together after I pass on. Maggie loves Marta—always has. Marta is so much like me. I know, in time, Greg could learn to love her. Please Lori, do what you can to get them to spend time together. I plan to write letters to both Greg and Maggie. I will give Maggie’s to Greg to give to her when she gets older. I will place Greg’s in my jewelry box. Will you see that he finds it?”
Lori had sat quietly listening to Lisa, wiping back tears as Lisa spoke. It was difficult to believe this was happening—Lisa would die—and probably soon. “Of course, I will see to it he finds the letter. You know I will.” She began to sob. Lisa reached out to her. They held each other, as they cried.
Four
As the days passed, Lisa became increasingly weaker. She spent much of her time resting. Maggie was now in school. Lisa missed Maggie being by her side; although it was best, as she could rest more during the day and conserve what little strength she had for evenings when Greg and Maggie were both home. Most evenings were spent quietly together. They played board games with Maggie, watched movies, and basically just enjoyed being together. Maggie was in bed early on school nights, giving Lisa and Greg precious alone time, now more precious than ever. There was more closeness these days than sex, as it was tiring for Lisa. They lived each day for what it was, trying not to look ahead, although when each was alone, their thoughts most often went to the future—a future they no longer would have together. Who would have ever thought their time together would be so short? They were grateful for little Maggie. She brought such joy. Lisa couldn’t bear the thought of leaving her, such a precious and loving child. To leave her without a mommy at such a young age was not fair to her, nor was it fair for Lisa to have so few short years with her. She envied Greg for being able to stay with Maggie. Oh, how Maggie would need him.
It was now time to write good-bye letters to Maggie and Greg. Time was slipping away, and Lisa was aware of this. She sat at her desk, with her pen in hand, staring at her stationery with tiny pink roses—Maggie’s favorite. It was difficult to know what to write. She thought for sometime, before putting her pen to the paper. She asked herself, “What would Maggie need most to hear at age twelve? What did she want most to say to Maggie?” Finally, she began to write.
Maggie honey,
Mommy loves you. I didn’t want to leave you. God wanted me with him. Sometimes choices aren’t ours to make. By now, you are a young lady. I have missed being with you for so many special occasions—birthdays, Christmases, and other holidays. I was so blessed to have you as my little girl for the time that I did. The day you were born was the best day of my life. You were such a beautiful little baby. I knew as soon as the doctor laid you in my arms that you were a very special little girl. Daddy and I loved you so much, even before you were born. Someday, you will know what I mean, when you have your own children. I have loved you more each day, as I have learned to know your cute little ways. You have been such a loving child. No mommy could have asked for a sweeter little girl. We had hoped to give you a brother or sister, but God had other plans. We are not told what his plans are. We must trust that he has a reason for the things that seem unfair to us. Maybe, as you read this, I have already learned his reason for me having to leave you. My faith tells me that I will be able to watch you grow from above, as there are holes in the floor of heaven—holes where I can still share the pleasure of you. I asked Daddy to give you this letter on your twelfth birthday. Honey, know that I am watching you, as you read this—watching you and loving you. You will soon be a teenager, a beautiful teenager, I am sure. I am hoping that Daddy has found a new mommy for you by now, as little girls should not grow up without mommies. Sure, I will always be your mommy, but it is wonderful to be special enough to have two mommies. You have grown up so quickly. Soon, if not now, you will be getting interested in boys. Yes, you will! I hope you will be fortunate enough to find a guy as special as your dad. Your dad always had a way of making me feel loved and very special. These are very important qualities in a man. Without these, a marriage will be missing something special. Your heart will guide you.
Take good care of your dad. He will always be special to me, as our love was very special.
Know that I will love you for all eternity, and someday we will be together again.
Much Love,
Mommy
Lisa, her eyes wet with tears, folded the letter and put it in a pink envelope with Maggie’s name on it and sealed it. This had been an extremely difficult letter to write. Now, it was time to write her good-bye to Greg. “How can I ever tell him good-bye? How can I leave him? He is my life. My precious, precious Greg!” She walked over to the window and looked down at the side yard. The flower garden Greg had planted for her was still in full bloom. The flowers were so beautiful now—the most beautiful they had been all summer. The first frost would come soon. It seemed such a shame that just as the flowers reached their prime beauty they would have to die—just as she had to die, at such a prime time in her life.
Lisa again sat at her desk, wiping tears away. Life was so unfair. “Why, God, why?” she asked. “Why would you ask me to leave such a wonderful life? Why would you bless me with such a wonderful loving husband and equally wonderful little girl, only to make me leave them?” She knew of so many unhappy people, so many unhappy marriages, and so many women with husbands that didn’t love them as Greg loved her. It made no sense to her why she had to leave. Her faith told her she was not to question God. How could she not, at a time like this? She had tried to be strong for Greg. She also knew that Greg was not as strong as he wanted her to believe. In actuality, he was crumbling inside. He had made her and Maggie his whole life. She knew better than anyone how his happiness depended on them.
She began to write…
My dearest, darling Greg,
If you are reading this, I have passed on to a more beautiful place—if there can really be a place more beautiful than my life with you and Maggie. I have asked Lori to be sure you find this letter soon after my death…
When she finished the letter, she enclosed it in another pink envelope with the scent of her favorite perfume and tucked it away in a drawer in her jewelry box, where Greg would find it.
Being quite tired, she stretched out on the bed and covered up with an intricately designed, ivory afghan crocheted for her by her mom. Of the many her mom had made for her, this had always been her favorite.
*****
Greg left work early, as something told him he must go home. He could feel Lisa’s presence, as if she was there with him. He felt she must have needed him. As he approached the house, a strange feeling came over him. He ran into the house and up the spiral staircase. There she lay on their bed, covered with the afghan, sleeping ever so peacefully. He was unable to wake her. Feeling a sense of panic, he called 911.
The paramedics arrived in a few short minutes. After examining Lisa, one of
the men turned to Greg, and solemnly said, “Mr. Carrington, I’m sorry… she’s gone.” Greg couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He knew she had been getting weaker. It hadn’t entered his mind that she could be so near death. How could she have died already…and alone? He should have been with her.
The rest of the day was a blur for Greg. He remained in a state of disbelief. His Lisa could not be gone.
The next morning, Greg and Lori went to the funeral home to make the arrangements. A nicely groomed, middle-aged man, wearing a black suit, greeted them and escorted them to the back of the room, toward the stairs. All this time, Greg was wondering where Lisa was. He was finding it difficult to believe his Lisa was lying in a room somewhere in that funeral home…dead. Was she behind the closed door he just walked past? Or, was she upstairs? Was she being embalmed at that very moment? He was numb, but yet hurting deeply. He wasn’t sure how it was possible to feel both at the same time. Somehow…he did.
They were taken up to the second floor, to the room where the caskets were displayed. Seeing all the caskets lined up, knowing he had to choose one for his precious Lisa, was overwhelming, and almost more than he could handle. He choked back tears, as he slowly walked around looking at each one. He wanted something special. He came to one, like no other he had ever seen. He knew immediately this was the one he wanted. It was an elegant ivory with gold hardware. The inside was off white, with delicate embroidery of shades of pinks and purples on the inside of the lid—the embroidered letters spelled out “Our precious love”. Tears now streamed down his face. Lori choked back tears, wanting to run from the funeral home to escape this nightmare. Instead, she found strength and comforted Greg. Together, they chose a vault, and were then taken downstairs to make the final arrangements. Greg was glad Lori was there with him. She was hurting as much as he was. Somehow, they were able to give each other support.
