Table of Contents
Sexual Healing
Dedication
Title Page
Important Note
Introduction
Part I - THE BASICS OF SEXUAL HEALING
chapter 1 - Sex Problems
Types of Sexual Dysfunction
The Role of Anxiety
A Brief History of the Treatment of Sexual Problems
Where This Book Fits In
What Happens in Sex Therapy?
How Surrogate Partners Heal
What You Can Learn from My Experience as a Surrogate Partner
chapter 2 - Sex 101
Male Sexual Anatomy and Physiology
Female Sexual Anatomy and Physiology
Intersex Conditions
The Sexual Response Cycle
chapter 3 - Dealing with Anxiety
The Physiology of Anxiety
How Sensate-Focus Exercises Help to Reduce Anxiety
Performance Anxiety
Spectatoring
Pressuring Your Partner
chapter 4 - Sexual Positions
Male-Superior Positions
Female-Superior Positions
Side-to-Side Positions
Rear-Entry Positions
Part II - SEXUAL PROBLEMS
chapter 5 - Low Sexual Desire
What’s Normal?
Changes in Thinking about Sexual Desire
Causes of Low Sexual Desire in Women
Causes of Low Sexual Desire in Men
Causes of Low Sexual Desire in Both Men and Women
Differences Between Men’s and Women’s Sexual Desire
Measuring Sexual Desire
Asexuality
The Relationship of Low Sexual Desire to Other Sexual Problems
chapter 6 - Sexual Aversion Disorder
What’s Normal?
Types of Anxiety
Causes of Sexual Aversion Disorder
chapter 7 - Erection Problems
What’s Normal?
Levels of Erection
Forms of Erection Problems
Physical Causes of Erection Problems
Psychological Causes of Erection Problems
chapter 8 - Female Sexual Arousal Disorder
What’s Normal?
Patterns of Female Sexual Arousal Disorder
Physical Causes of Arousal Problems
Psychological Causes of Women’s Arousal Problems
chapter 9 - Premature Ejaculation
What’s Normal?
Causes of Premature Ejaculation
chapter 10 - Male Orgasm Disorder
Patterns of Male Orgasm Disorder
What’s Normal?
Physical Causes of Ejaculation Difficulties
Psychological and Behavioral Causes of Male Orgasm Disorder
Treatment Outlook
chapter 11 - Female Orgasm Disorder
What’s Normal?
Types of Female Orgasm Disorder
Physical Causes of Female Orgasm Disorder
Psychological Barriers to Orgasm
An Alternative View of Female Sexual Problems
chapter 12 - Vaginismus
What’s Normal?
Types of Vaginismus
Symptoms and Causes of Vaginismus
Treatment Outlook
Chapter 13 - Dyspareunia
Patterns of Dyspareunia
What’s Normal?
Physical Causes of Sexual Pain in Men
Physical Causes of Sexual Pain in Women
Vulvar Vestibulitis
Symptoms of Sexual Pain in Women
Physical or Psychological Pain?
Psychological Issues Related to Dyspareunia
Part III - BEGINNING SEXUAL HEALING
chapter 14 - The Healing Touch
Touch Is Vital
The Nonverbal Power of Touch
The Healing Powers of Touch
Sensate Focus: The Touch that Heals
The Healing Mindset
chapter 15 - How to Do Sensate-Focus Exercises
Trust
Feedback after the Exercises
Setting a Schedule
Multiple Problems
chapter 16 - Relaxation
chapter 17 - Sexual Fitness
General Fitness
Nutrition
Drugs
Sex-Muscle Exercises
chapter 18 - Self-Touch
Developing Arousal Awareness
Nontouching Suggestions to Promote Sexual Healing
chapter 19 - Basic Partner Exercises: Spoon Breathing and the Face Caress
Feedback
chapter 20 - Basic Partner Exercises: The Back Caress
chapter 21 - Basic Partner Exercises: The Front Caress
chapter 22 - Basic Partner Exercises: The Genital Caress and Oral Sex
The Genital Caress
Oral Sex
Part IV - HEALING SPECIFIC SEXUAL PROBLEMS
chapter 23 - Healing Premature Ejaculation
Outdated Treatments for Premature Ejaculation
Sensate-Focus Exercises for Premature Ejaculation
Peaking with Intercourse
chapter 24 - Healing Erection Problems
Could Your Erection Problems Be Physical?
Maintaining Erections
Physical, Behavioral, and Psychological Issues in Erection Problems
Medical Solutions for Erection Problems
chapter 25 - Healing Male Orgasm Disorder
Behavioral Changes: A Summary
The Role of Intimacy
The Role of Masturbation
More Behavioral Strategies for Changing Masturbation Habits
A Choice of Approaches for Healing Inhibited Ejaculation
The Importance of Peaking
Intercourse and Masturbation Together
Shaping for Inhibited Ejaculation
Some Final Suggestions
chapter 26 - Healing Female Sexual Arousal Disorder
Physical Arousal
Peaking
Using Erotica
Vibrators
Lubricants
Medical Solutions
chapter 27 - Healing Female Orgasm Disorder
What If You’ve Been Faking It?
Discovering Your Orgasm Triggers
Orgasms with Intercourse
Using Fantasy to Trigger Orgasm
chapter 28 - Healing Low Sexual Desire
Understanding and Dealing with Low Sexual Desire
More Suggestions to Jump-Start Your Sexual Desire
chapter 29 - Healing Sexual Aversion Disorder
Mild Sexual Anxiety
Moderate Generalized Sexual Anxiety
Specific Sexual Fears
Severe Sexual Anxiety
Prescribing the Symptom
chapter 30 - Healing Vaginismus
Progression of Exercises for Vaginismus
Shaping for Vaginismus
A Possible Medical Solution?
Additional Suggestions for Comfort with Penetration
chapter 31 - Healing Sexual Pain
Part V - ADVANCED SEXUAL HEALING
chapter 32 - Lovemaking to Heal Physical Problems
The Unity of Mind and Body
The Physical Benefits of Lovemaking
Psychosomatic Illness: How Mind Affects Body
Stress Disorders
Chronic Illnesses
Physical Trauma
Sexual Healing of Specific Psychosomatic Illnesses and Stress-Related Conditions
Sexual Healing of Chronic Illnesses and Conditions Caused by Physical Trauma
Additional Healing Exercises
If Intercourse Is Not in the Cards
chapter 3
3 - Using Lovemaking to Heal Your Emotions
Somatopsychology
How Lovemaking Heals Your General Emotional State
Other Emotional and Mental Benefits of Sexual Healing
More Benefits
Other Attitude Issues
chapter 34 - Healing Your Relationship: Bonding and Trust
Bonding
Trust
chapter 35 - Healing Your Relationship: Play and Verbal Intimacy
Play
Verbal Intimacy
chapter 36 - Be a Sexual Healer with Intercourse
Mutual and Multiple Orgasms
chapter 37 - Spiritual Healing Through Sexuality
Sexuality in Religious Traditions
Tantra
Ecstasy
chapter 38 - Some Final Thoughts
References
Recommended Reading
Sources for Sex Toys
Index
Copyright Page
Sexual Healing
BARBARA KEESLING, PH.D., has more than twenty years’ experience as a sex therapist and surrogate partner. She has a doctorate in health psychology, teaches Human Sexuality at California State University, Fullerton, and maintains a private sexual therapy practice. Her experiences working skinon-skin with hundreds of clients, together with her academic and teaching work, make her uniquely qualified in the fields of human sexuality and sexual pleasure.
Dr. Keesling is the author of many popular sexuality titles that have sold over a million copies worldwide. They include Sexual Pleasure, Sexual Healing, Making Love Better than Ever, How to Make Love All Night (and Drive a Woman Wild), and The Good Girl’s Guide to Bad Girl Sex.
Dr. Keesling has appeared on numerous television and radio shows, including Geraldo, Montel, and “Howard Stern.” Due to the high quality of the information in her books and her credentials as a human sexuality expert she is also frequently interviewed for Playboy, Men’s Health, Psychology Today, Redbook, Cosmopolitan, Glamour, and Marie Claire.
Reviews for SEXUAL PLEASURE
“Finally, here is a look at the overwhelmingly positive effects of sexual expression in our lives, including increased self-esteem, feelings of personal fulfillment, and sexual ecstasy. Simplify your sex life and breathe some life back into that divinely sensual body.”
—WHOLE LIFE TIMES
“For anyone who wishes to increase [the] ability to experience sensual pleasure.”
—YOGA JOURNAL
“The real beauty of this book lies in the fact that it treats physical pleasure and intimacy as inseparable, mutually heightening ways to experience sexuality and to bond with your partner.”
—THE LAUNCH PAD
This book is dedicated to my clients.
Ordering
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Project Credits
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Important Note
The material in this book is intended to provide an overview of techniques for improving sexual health and functioning. Every effort has been made to provide accurate and dependable information. However, you should be aware that professionals in the field may have differing opinions, and change is always taking place. Any of the treatments described herein should be used under the guidance of a licensed therapist or health-care practitioner. The author, editors, and publisher cannot be held responsible for any outcomes that derive from use of any of these treatments in a program of self-care or under the care of a licensed professional. The treatments in this book should not be used in place of other medical therapies.
Introduction
Is your sex life a source of confusion or pain? Do you have sexual problems that prevent you from making love the way you imagine you could? Does sexuality cause you anxiety rather than pleasure? Sexual Healing is a self-help book that can address your concerns. It contains detailed, practical exercises for you alone or for you and a partner that can help heal you of your sexual problems.
The Evolution of Sexual Healing
My background and the topics addressed in this book have become intertwined over the past twenty-five years. In 1980, I was working for the U.S. Postal Service in southern California when I read a newspaper article about surrogate partners—men and women who work directly with people who are experiencing sexual problems. I decided to train as a surrogate partner and to begin college at the same time. I worked as a surrogate partner for twelve years, until 1992. During that time I also earned several college degrees, including a doctorate in health psychology, a field of psychology that studies the interaction between the mind and the body. In 1990, the first edition of Sexual Healing was published. It was based on my experiences as a surrogate partner and dealt with common sexual problems, such as erection problems, premature ejaculation, and problems with orgasm.
After 1992, I worked as a sex therapist rather than a surrogate partner. In 1996, the second edition of Sexual Healing was released. Although it had the same title as the original, its content was quite different. It focused very little on specific sexual problems and more on using lovemaking to heal people’s bodies, minds, and relationships. It was based on some amazing, lifechanging experiences I witnessed in my work as both a surrogate partner and a therapist. Around that time, I also began teaching at a university and writing many other books on sexual topics. Because of the demands of my writing and my university job, I quit my clinical practice as a sex therapist several years ago. When my publisher approached me about writing a third edition of Sexual Healing, I was ready.
This edition of Sexual Healing harkens back to the first edition in that it contains mostly material on treating specific sexual problems. Yet it also includes content on using sexuality to heal one’s body, mind, and relationship. What I have done here is combine the content from the first two editions. I have also added a lot of new material, mostly in the areas of problems with desire, problems with anxiety, and sexual pain. I’ve updated the treatments for many of the sexual problems, based upon our continually growing knowledge in this area. This third edition of Sexual Healing represents twenty-five years of accumulated knowledge and experience in the field of sexuality.
Throughout the years, I have used the phrase sexual healing to mean many things. The following are some of the term’s many connotations:• Healing specific sexual problems
• Using sexuality to heal the body
• Using sexuality to heal the mind
• Using sexuality to heal a relationship
• Being healed of the effects of past sexual abuse
• Healing compulsive sexual behaviors, such as sexual addictions
This edition of Sexual Healing addresses the first four issues. It does not deal directly with the effects of sexual abuse or sexual a
ddiction, although I believe that many of the techniques described here could be used as part of a treatment program for abuse and addiction.
Who Can Benefit from Sexual Healing?
Anyone who wants to make love and feel better can benefit from following a program of sexual healing. The primary audience for this book is people who suffer from specific sexual problems. The exercises have also proven very helpful for couples who have a strong intimate bond and would like to use that intimacy to bring strength to or heal other aspects of their relationship. Sexual healing is also helpful for people in relationships that no longer include lovemaking, and for people of any age with physical conditions that they believe prevent them from making love. There are even many exercises included in these pages for people who don’t have partners.
I have written this book with heterosexual couples in mind because these are the people I’ve worked with the most. Unfortunately, the scheme used by most therapists to diagnose sexual problems is very biased toward the experiences of heterosexuals. However, with 3 to 4 percent of the male population and 1 to 2 percent of the female population exclusively homosexual, I believe it is important to acknowledge the fact that people who are attracted to the same sex can also experience sexual dysfunctions. Most of the sensate-focus exercises in Sexual Healing can be used by people of any sexual orientation.
Another population I don’t specifically address in Sexual Healing is older adults. Studies show that many older people are sexually active or would like to be. The percentage of the population over age fifty is growing at an enormous rate. Sexual dysfunctions affect people of all ages. Erection problems are especially prevalent as men get older. Most of the exercises in Sexual Healing can be used by people of any age. Many of them are great for older people, especially the exercises for female arousal and male erection. Medical conditions such as arthritis that are common in older people may limit a person’s ability to do some of the exercises, so as with any exercise program, consult your physician if you have concerns about your physical abilities.
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