Exercise 7. ADVANCED PC MUSCLE EXERCISE FOR MEN AND WOMEN
After you have done the basic PC muscle exercises for three or four weeks, try this more advanced version. In addition to twenty-five quick repetitions, add ten slow repetitions. Try to gradually tense the muscle for a count of five, hold it for a count of five, and then push it back out for a count of five. The first time you try this exercise you may only be able to do it once or twice. Eventually, you can work up to ten repetitions. Then try a version of the exercise where you tighten the PC muscle for a count of ten, hold it for a count of ten, and release it for a count of ten. It may take you days or weeks to accomplish this. How much time it takes doesn’t matter; the improved muscle tone does.
Exercise 8. PELVIC THRUSTS
Another aspect of sexual fitness is to have strength in and control of the voluntary muscles in your pelvic area. People who experience sexual problems often unconsciously tighten the muscles in their pelvic area, which prevents blood from flowing in and prevents them from becoming as aroused as they could. The next three exercises—pelvic thrusts, rolls, and tilts—are for your abdomen, buttocks, and thigh muscles. They will help you loosen up and release the tension from those areas. They are good for both men and women.
Pelvic thrusts can be done either lying down or standing. The idea is to rock your pelvis from back to front without moving any other parts of your body. It is especially important to keep from tensing your stomach or leg muscles.
If you are lying down, bend your knees and put your feet flat on the floor, and rock your buttocks slowly up and down so that they are the only part of your body that moves off the floor or bed. Your lower back may also rise off the floor or bed a little bit. Do this as quickly or as slowly as you like and as many times as you like. You can thrust to music if you wish, or vary the speed of your thrusting.
The important thing is to keep all your other muscles relaxed and to keep your breathing regular. Do not hold your breath. To make sure you are breathing correctly, it may be helpful to grunt or make some other noise with each thrust.
If you want to do the pelvic thrusts while standing or walking, simply stand and rock your pelvis back and forth, or, as you walk, consciously thrust your pelvis forward with each step.
Exercise 9. PELVIC ROLLS
Pelvic rolls are similar to thrusts. Either lying down or standing, roll your hips backward-sideways-forward in a continuous motion. Think of Elvis Presley. If you have difficulty getting the hang of this movement, buy a hula hoop and practice with it. Practice pelvic rolls at different speeds, including doing them as slowly as you possibly can. And remember to breathe normally.
Combine thrusts and rolls, and do them to music if it feels good. Try to do a series of thrusts and rolls for ten minutes every day. Close your eyes while you do the exercises so you can really feel your body. The secret to doing these exercises is to thrust and roll your pelvis while still staying loose. Men, especially, tend to have tight hip muscles. Loosening them up can often increase your ability to become sexually aroused and have erections.
Exercise 10. PELVIC TILTS
The third pelvic exercise is the pelvic tilt. Lie on your back with your knees up. Keep your lower back on the floor, and practice tilting your pelvis up and down. This is similar to the pelvic thrust but your lower back stays on the floor and you use a smaller range of movement.
Pelvic tilts can also be done standing up. Simply hold your lower back in one position and tilt your pelvis back and forth.
Concerned about back problems? In my experience, most people can do pelvic thrusts, rolls, and tilts without risk, especially if they do them slowly. If you have back problems, especially in your lower back, consult your physician before attempting them, and go easy.
A number of other exercises can be beneficial to lovemaking, particularly those that involve stretching, squatting, and spreading your legs. In general, any sport or physical exercise benefits your love life because it improves your cardiovascular conditioning, flexibility, body image, and general physical health and well-being. So if you already have a fitness program you are comfortable with, incorporate the PC muscle exercises and the pelvic exercises into it, and continue having fun.
An exception to this general guideline is cycling. Although cycling is good for aerobic conditioning, a lot of times it’s not good for your sex life. Long sessions of cycling can put pressure on the nerves in your groin area and potentially interfere with erection and arousal. If you regularly cycle for long distances, and if you’re experiencing sexual problems, you might want to consider switching to another fitness activity.
chapter 18
Self-Touch
You are now ready for some exercises that will teach you more about your body and its natural sexual response. The sensual and sexual exercises presented in this chapter all involve learning to touch using the sensate-focus technique. You can practice these exercises by yourself before going on to the exercises you will do with your partner. You should do these exercises no matter what area of your sexuality you want to heal.
Before you start the exercises, let’s review the sensate-focus principles from Chapter 14:• Sensate-focus touch is slow.
• It is done for your own pleasure.
• It is free of psychological pressure or pressure to perform.
• It happens in the here and now.
• It is sensuous.
Exercise 11. TOUCHING AN INANIMATE OBJECT
In this first exercise, you will touch an inanimate object. Doing so introduces you to sensate-focus touch and prepares you to work first with yourself and later with a partner. It may seem a little silly at first, but I have asked you to begin with an object, rather than your lover, so that when you progress to touching your partner you are not self-conscious. By the time you come together with your partner, touching in this healing way will be second nature.
Set aside about fifteen minutes during which you will not be disturbed. Pick two or three things to touch that look like they would feel good (a piece of velvet or a fur rug, for example). Place one of the objects on your lap. Let’s say it’s a piece of velvet. Lightly touch it with rhythmic strokes, as slowly as you can. Focus all of your attention on how your fingers feel on the velvet. Close your eyes. Don’t think about what just happened or what is to come; simply be in the present.
Caress the velvet in as many different ways as you can think of—stroking with the nap, against the nap, up and down, in a circular motion. If your mind drifts, bring it back to what you are doing. Get in touch with sensuality—how this object feels good against your skin. You cannot caress too slowly. If you think you are moving your hand slowly enough, try cutting your speed in half and see how this affects your ability to focus on the touch.
Stop the exercise after fifteen minutes. Can you feel how relaxed you became from the simple act of touching? Your breathing and heart rate have slowed. This simple touching exercise has the same effect as meditation.
Instead of touching something soft like velvet or fur, you could try touching an object that is cold and hard, such as a small statue. I used to keep a small marble statue of a seal for clients to use. It was smooth, with a cool temperature that was pleasing to the touch, and it had lots of curves. Everyone who picked it up ended up naturally caressing their face with it because the cool temperature and smooth texture felt so good.
Exercise 12. TOUCHING YOURSELF
To learn how you would like to be touched, and in preparation for the sensual exercises you will do later with your partner, it is important to practice sensate-focus caresses on yourself. Remember that the emphasis is sensual rather than sexual. By learning to touch yourself in a relaxing, gentle way, you will lay the foundation for all the exercises that follow.
Do you feel a little self-conscious caressing yourself? Many people do, especially when they move to their genitals and especially if they have never touched themselves in this way. This feeling is natural. Practicing the self-caress
will make you more comfortable. It is very important to learn about your own bodily response so that you can increase your ability to become aroused and awaken your ability to heal yourself and your partner. Of course, as with any exercise, don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable.
Choose a setting where you will not be disturbed. Pick a small area of your body, such as your arm, your chest, or your thigh, for your first self-caress. For this exercise, don’t touch your genitals. We’ll get to them later. Put some lotion or massage oil on your fingertips, and slowly begin to touch yourself. Focus on the exact point of contact between your hand and your body. If your mind wanders off to something else, bring it back to exactly how your skin feels, both your fingertips and the skin being touched. Stroke yourself slowly and lightly. Touch only the skin—do not massage any muscles. Is your touch sensitive enough to feel your individual hairs? Think about what you feel right now, rather than anything you have been taught or remember from the past.
If you have trouble concentrating, slow down your touch. Use more lotion if your skin feels rough or dry. Spend fifteen minutes on this caress, learning the feeling of your own hand against your skin.
Exercise 13. TOUCHING YOUR GENITALS
In this exercise you will caress your genital area, but the touch you will use is different from masturbation. Many adults use masturbation as a comforting way to receive touch, but the genital caress is somewhat different. The goal is not to feel sexual, turn yourself on, or have an orgasm. The goal is to learn what kind of touch you like. What feels good to you? If you do this exercise with the healing mindset I talked about in Chapter 14, you will also learn that it is healthy—not selfish—to touch yourself.
Sit or lie naked in a comfortable position, in a comfortable space. Remember that caressing is not the same as masturbating. The purpose of this exercise is not to have an orgasm but to learn the different, pleasurable sensations of your body.
If you are a woman, warm some baby oil or other lubricant on your fingers and begin to slowly touch your inner thighs and your vaginal lips. If any part of your body feels tense, make a conscious effort to relax it. This caress may include only your outer genitals, or it may include stroking inside your vagina as well. You could do one caress on your vulva and a separate one on the inside of your vagina, and another one that includes both. Do whatever you are comfortable with and enjoy.
Concentrate on the touch exactly the way you did when you caressed the nongenital part of your body in the previous exercise. If your mind starts to wander off, slow down the movement of your hand and consciously bring your mind back to the point where skin touches skin. Try different touches. Touch yourself the way your partner usually touches you, then the way you usually touch yourself. Then touch yourself in a completely new way. Caress your outer and inner lips, your clitoris, and the opening of your vagina. Do not spend any more time on your clitoris than you do on other parts of your genitals.
Using plenty of lubrication, insert a finger into your vagina. See if you can feel some of the inner vaginal areas I described in Chapter 2, such as the A-spot and the G-spot. (You probably won’t be able to feel your cervix or your cul de sac with your finger because they’re deep inside.) Stroke the walls of your vagina and see if you can feel the muscle structure—the rugae I described in Chapter 2. Relax all your muscles and keep your breathing even. Concentrate on the landscape of your body—the changes in texture, temperature, and arousal as you touch different areas.
If you become sexually aroused, that is perfectly okay, but remember that this is not the goal. The only goals are to enjoy yourself and to learn about your body. If you become aroused, take a deep breath and make a conscious effort to relax your muscles. Gently, slowly, stroke yourself to feel maximum sensual awareness and sensual enjoyment. If you have an orgasm, that is okay. Do not try to make it happen, do not try to make it better or stronger, and do not try to push it away. Try not to tense up against it—just experience it. Continue the genital caress for about fifteen minutes.
If you are a man, use some baby oil or lotion on your fingers if you like. Slowly begin to caress your penis and scrotum, concentrating on the temperature and texture of your skin. Don’t worry about whether you have an erection—you don’t need one to do the exercise. You are just exploring the sensations your penis and scrotum are capable of feeling and which types of touch feel good.
Slowly stroke the head and shaft of your penis. Stroke the frenulum, the sensitive area on the underside of your penis where the head meets the shaft. Keep your attention on the exact point of contact between your fingers and your genitals. If your mind wanders off, slow the movement of your hand and bring your mind back to the touch. Experiment with different types of touch. Touch yourself the way you usually do, the way your partner does, and in as many different ways as you can.
Keep all of the muscles in your body relaxed, and breathe evenly. If you feel yourself approaching orgasm, that is okay. Don’t try to make it happen, don’t try to make it better, and don’t push it away. Just allow orgasm to wash over you. Continue this caress for fifteen minutes.
Congratulations! You’ve taken the first step toward sexual healing. Pretty easy, wasn’t it? After completing these exercises, most people experience heightened sexual awareness. A lot of people feel better about themselves immediately. Still others see themselves as more sensual and sexual. A few people have very intense experiences with these exercises. The genital caress may bring up feelings of sadness or tearfulness. If so, just feel the feelings and let them pass through you. And don’t worry: This is part of the sexual healing process.
Developing Arousal Awareness
You are now ready to learn a process called peaking. Arousal awareness is the first step in the peaking process. Peaking is the basis for treating many of the sexual dysfunctions, including desire problems, arousal problems, and problems with orgasm. Peaking is really the foundation for the sexual healing program. In Chapters 23 through 31, which deal with healing specific sexual dysfunctions, I’ll talk about how to use arousal awareness and peaking to heal each specific sexual problem.
Peaking is a process in which you allow your sexual arousal to go up and down in a predictable and controllable wavelike pattern. Before you can learn to peak, you must be able to recognize how sexually aroused you are. Furthermore, it’s easiest to learn the peaking process by yourself using self-touch. Then you can use it with any kind of stimulation from your partner—manual caressing, oral sex, or intercourse.
To develop arousal awareness, think of your sexual arousal on a scale from 1 to 10, with a 1 being no arousal and a 10 being orgasm. For men, it is important that you notice how aroused you feel, regardless of how strong your erection is. You can learn to recognize feelings of arousal internally or emotionally without having to look at your erection.
The following guidelines will help you recognize how aroused you are: At levels 2 and 3 you feel mild twinges of arousal, but arousal is not really constant. Levels 4 and 5 are constant, low levels of arousal, and levels 6 and 7 are steady, moderate arousal. At levels 6 and 7 you really feel that you don’t want the stimulation to stop. At level 8, if you had to talk, you would sound somewhat out of breath. You are aware of your heartbeat and you feel the blood roaring in your ears. Level 8 corresponds to Masters and Johnson’s plateau phase of the sexual response cycle. Level 9 is the feeling that you are very close to orgasm. Anything beyond level 9 is the feeling that orgasm is inevitable.
It doesn’t matter which number you reach on the arousal scale either the first time or any time you do the arousal awareness exercise. What is important is that you start to get a sense of how close you are to orgasm or how far you are from orgasm. If you only reach level 2 or 3, that is fine. If you immediately go straight to level 10, that’s fine also. The important thing is that you concentrate on the touch at the moment and let arousal happen as it will, without trying to make it better or push it away.
The fact that I am asking you to
describe your sensual and sexual arousal on a 1-to-10 scale may sound contradictory to what I said earlier in the book about not putting pressure on yourself. Please don’t get the impression that I am asking you to grade or evaluate yourself or your performance in any way. The numbers are to help you describe your sexual response, not rate it. For example, reaching a level 9 during any exercise is not better than reaching a level 3. The idea is not to see how high you can go, but rather to become aware of the difference in how you feel at the different levels. I use numbers because most people understand the concept of a 1-to-10 scale and find it easy to use.
Exercise 14. AROUSAL AWARENESS DURING SELF-TOUCH
To do the arousal awareness exercise, repeat the genital caress by yourself, extending the time to twenty minutes. As you caress yourself, give numbers to the different states of arousal you feel. Every five minutes or so, ask yourself, “Where am I now? What is my arousal level?” Use the sensate-focus method for your caresses. Keep your attention focused on how your skin feels, and allow your awareness of how aroused you are to come and go as it will. Focus on the touch. Relax. Breathe. Keep your body as still as possible. If you go all the way to orgasm, try to experience it without moving your body or tensing up.
Exercise 15. PEAKING
During peaking, you manipulate your arousal levels to go up and down predictably in a wavelike pattern. To begin, relax, breathe, and caress yourself the way you did for the arousal awareness exercise. When you feel you are at level 3, stop caressing and note that your arousal drops back down a couple of levels. Caress yourself again until you feel you are at arousal level 4. Again, stop the caress and allow your arousal to go back down a couple of levels. Continue through all the levels if you can, stopping at each one to allow the arousal to drop a level or two—5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10 (orgasm). Remember to keep your caress as slow as possible and to focus on the touch. Spend about five minutes on each peak, including both the up and down phases.
Sexual Healing Page 18
