Your partner will feel pressured to respond if you caress too rapidly or too roughly. Avoid putting pressure on your partner, and maximize your own enjoyment by caressing as slowly and gently as you can. Focus on the exact point of contact between your skin and your partner’s skin. If your mind wanders to other things, bring it back to the exact point of contact. If you do the caress for your own enjoyment and focus as well as you can, your partner will enjoy the caress also.
When you are passive, your only task is to relax and enjoy the caress. Focus on the exact point of contact between your skin and your partner’s skin. The only time you need to say anything to your partner is if he or she does something that bothers you or hurts you. Otherwise, try to relax and breathe while remaining receptive and still. If you feel yourself tensing up, slow your breathing down and imagine your leg muscles sinking into the bed.
If you are in the active role, you may notice that your partner is not relaxing. Some signs that your partner is anxious include muscle tension, rapid breathing, rapid heart rate, and a quivering stomach. If you see that your partner’s body is tense, lightly pinch or press on the body part that is tense to signal your partner to relax. Your partner may not even be aware that he or she is tense.
The front caress has more potential to produce anxiety than the back caress. When we lie on our backs, our chests and genitals are exposed and we feel vulnerable. One thing you can do to promote relaxation in your passive partner is to slow your touch down. Another is to slowly stroke your partner’s abdominal area in a circular motion. At the same time, remember that you are not trying to “fix” your partner. Your biggest concern should be touching in a way that feels good for you. Take a few deep breaths yourself—your partner will probably imitate your breathing. If the front caress becomes too anxiety-producing, back up to an earlier exercise, or back up to a body part that is less threatening to touch, such as the face, until your own or your partner’s breathing has slowed.
Because the front caress has the potential to be sexual, there will be more temptation to slip back into your old habits of touching. You may find yourself trying to turn your partner on. This will make it more difficult for your partner to stay in the here and now because he or she may think, “I wonder if he will touch my genitals again?” or, “Oh, no, she’s heading down toward my penis.”
It may also be more difficult to remain passive than it was in previous exercises because you may be used to moving around or moaning when your breasts or genitals are touched. Allow yourself to experience the arousal without trying to do anything about it. If you feel aroused, don’t try to make it better by moving around, and don’t try to push it away. By remaining passive you are teaching your body to feel as much arousal as it can possibly feel. If you move around at this stage you will lower your arousal level rather than make it stronger.
You will have different concerns during the front caress depending on which sexual problems you experience. If you are a woman who is having orgasm problems, it may be difficult for you to remain passive during this exercise. When active, you may be tempted to arouse yourself by rubbing against your partner. You may also be tempted to try to please your partner. You have the potential during the front caress to learn how much enjoyment you can get from touching your partner in a sensual way. You also have the potential to learn to relax and allow your body to experience maximum stimulation. The front caress can also give you practice in learning to leave yourself alone and respond the way your body wants to, rather than the way you think your partner wants you to.
If you are having erection problems, the front caress is a crucial exercise for you. It may bring up all of the fears you have about not getting an erection. Do not expect the front caress to give you an erection. It probably will not. It doesn’t for most people. If you do have an erection just allow it to happen. Don’t move around, and don’t squeeze your PC muscle, as doing so will make your erection go down. If you do get an erection, you may feel you want to use it. Instead, see this as your first opportunity to practice relaxing with an erection rather than doing something with it.
If you are concerned about premature ejaculation, you may be worried that you will become too aroused and ejaculate. If you ejaculate during the caress, don’t worry about it. Let your partner know that you are going to ejaculate so that it is not a surprise. Relax as much as you can and allow yourself to experience the ejaculation. The important thing in the front caress is not how long you last but whether you can leave yourself alone and allow yourself to experience arousal, enjoyment, and ejaculation. At this stage it is important for you to relax your body as much as possible. Your partner can help you recognize when your body is showing signs of anxiety.
If you are having problems with inhibited ejaculation, it may be difficult for you to leave yourself alone and proceed slowly in this exercise. Be especially attuned to whether you may be subtly pressuring your partner with your touch.
If you have vaginismus or are experiencing general sexual anxiety, the front caress is a very important exercise for you, and you may have to repeat it several times in order to learn to relax fully. You may feel severe anxiety and muscle tightening as your partner’s hand approaches your genitals. At all times keep your attention focused on where your partner is touching rather than looking ahead to where he may touch you next. Your partner can help you by giving you a gentle touch on your thigh if your muscles are tensing up and you seem to be unaware of it.
There are a number of ways that you can do the front caress, depending on what your problem is and how you feel. If you are very relaxed, use your face, chest, or hair to caress your partner. If you are a little bit anxious, it may be best to do only part of the front caress; for example, you may want to start with just the top half of the body. Or you may want to do the front caress without touching the genitals.
If you are very, very anxious, you may want to do a preliminary exercise in which you take your partner’s hand and guide it over your body. You may do any of these variations, as long as you discuss it with your partner first and agree ahead of time on exactly what to do. Being able to successfully predict your partner’s touch will do wonders in helping you learn how to relax and trust.
Here is a time sequence for the front caress and many of the subsequent exercises:• Spoon breathing: five to ten minutes
• Focusing caress, first partner: five to ten minutes
• Focusing caress, second partner: five to ten minutes
• Front caress, first partner: twenty minutes
• Spoon breathing: five to ten minutes
• Front caress, second partner: twenty minutes
• Spoon breathing: five to ten minutes
• Feedback
chapter 22
Basic Partner Exercises: The Genital Caress and Oral Sex
The new elements that are added in this chapter are extended caressing of the genitals using both your hands and your mouth. Before you begin a genital caress, take some time to review the locations of both the male and female genital structures that are described in Chapter 2.
The Genital Caress
Our knowledge of female anatomy has increased since the first edition of this book. To find your partner’s G-spot, insert your longest finger straight into her vagina, hook it over her pubic bone, and try to point your finger back at yourself. The G-spot will feel a little rough, and as you continue to touch it, it will swell up.
To find your partner’s A-spot, insert your longest finger straight into her vagina and gently rub it along the top wall. This area will feel smooth, and it may start to lubricate as you continue to touch it.
To find your partner’s cervix, insert your longest finger all the way into her vagina and point it first up and to the left and then up and to the right. On either the left or right side, you will feel a lump. This is the cervix.
If you run a finger along the side walls of your partner’s vagina, you’ll notice that they feel kind of ridged or corrugated. T
hese are the rugae, the striated muscles that run along the walls of the vagina.
Remember not to force your finger into your partner’s vagina or to stroke it too roughly. If you can’t easily reach a deep vaginal area such as the cervix, save contact with that area for intercourse. Also, remember to use plenty of lubrication.
Exercise 21. THE GENITAL CARESS
The genital caress will take about an hour to an hour and a half. You will need a quiet room, a towel, some talcum powder, and some kind of lubricant that both partners like and is safe on the genitals. Some suggestions are K-Y jelly, mineral oil, baby oil, or massage oil. I tend to use an oil-based product rather than a water-based product, because oils seem to warm up more rapidly on the body. But feel free to use a water-based product if you prefer. Adult stores sell a number of products that mimic vaginal lubrication.
Begin your genital caress session with some spoon breathing. Then each partner may choose a focusing caress (either a back caress or a face caress). Don’t slack off or become mechanical about these initial, focusing caresses. Do them for at least ten minutes each, and pay attention to what you are feeling.
When you are the active partner, begin by caressing your partner’s body with powder as you did during the front caress. This time you will spend at least half of the caress on the genitals. After about ten minutes of the front caress, wipe the powder off your hand and warm up some baby oil in your hand. Slowly begin to caress your partner’s genitals with your fingers.
If your passive partner is a woman, use lots of lubrication and slowly move your fingers over her outer vaginal lips, inner vaginal lips, and clitoris. Then slowly insert your finger into her vagina. Pay attention to how the inner and outer lips feel and how the different areas inside her vagina feel. Feel the vaginal walls and the muscles around the vaginal opening. Think of the inside of your partner’s vagina as a clock, and move your fingers from twelve o’clock all the way around in a circle.
If your female partner has dyspareunia or sexual pain, do the genital caress only on her outer genitals. Don’t attempt finger penetration at this stage. We’ll include penetration as part of the progression of exercises in either Chapter 30 or Chapter 31.
The genital caress is the same as the other caresses in that you are touching for your own pleasure. If you slip into rubbing your partner’s clitoris or trying to turn her on in some way, she will be able to feel this shift in your intention. She has agreed to be passive and not to respond no matter what you do, so stay with the exercise. Take this opportunity to really learn how your partner’s genitals feel without any interference or distractions.
As part of the genital caress, lie between your partner’s legs as you are caressing and learn what her genitals look like. Many sexual problems are caused by ignorance about the genitals. Take this opportunity to learn every hair and every fold of skin. If you feel yourself becoming mechanical or bored with the caress, slow down. Caress your partner’s genitals for ten to fifteen minutes. Do it for your own pleasure. If you can see your partner’s body tensing up, lightly pat her legs as a signal to relax.
If your passive partner is a man, caress the front of his body for about ten minutes and then warm some lubricant in your hand. Slowly caress his penis and scrotum with your fingers. Don’t try to turn your partner on. Do the caress so that it feels as good for you as possible. If you slip into wishing your partner would get an erection, bring yourself back to your enjoyment of the caress. Your partner has agreed not to move around or respond verbally, so take this opportunity to learn what your partner’s genitals feel and look like. Slowly move your fingers around the shaft and head of the penis, and then slowly run your fingers around each testicle.
It doesn’t matter whether your partner has an erection during the genital caress. A soft penis feels just as good to touch as an erect one. The sensations are not better or worse, just different. Experience exactly what the skin feels like on the different areas of your partner’s genitals. If you see your partner’s body becoming tense, signal him to relax with a light tap on the leg. Make sure your partner is not holding his breath. If he becomes aroused and ejaculates, gently wipe him off and continue the caress. Do the genital caress for ten to fifteen minutes.
When you are the passive partner during the genital caress, lie on your back with your legs slightly spread. Place your arms at your sides or underneath your head. Close your eyes. As you receive the genital caress, all you need to do is focus, breathe, and relax. The only time you need to talk to your partner is if he or she does something that hurts or bothers you. Allow yourself to soak up all of the sensations like a sponge.
It may be difficult to remain passive, but remember, if you try to make your arousal better by moving around, you are in fact working against yourself by diminishing your arousal. Also, be sure to keep your PC muscle relaxed during this exercise. If you become aroused, that’s fine. If you don’t, that’s fine, too. If you get an erection, have an orgasm, or ejaculate, fine. What matters is whether you can leave yourself alone and enjoy yourself. Don’t force anything. Just passively experience the feelings and enjoy them.
The biggest barriers to the genital caress are anxiety and performance pressure. Focusing should not be a problem. By now you should have enough practice with sensate focus that it is second nature. You should be able to focus as long as you reduce your anxiety and get rid of performance pressure.
Anxiety will manifest itself in your body. Is your breathing irregular, or are your muscles tensing up? Your partner can help you recognize and correct this. Performance pressure will manifest itself in distracting thoughts such as, “I wonder if I’m starting to get hard,” or, “I wonder if I’m going to have an orgasm.” If you catch yourself thinking instead of feeling, bring your mind back to the touch.
Your partner will probably be able to tell if you are having distracting thoughts just by watching your body. If you are focusing on your genitals, blood will flow to that area and your genitals will warm up, whereas if you are spectatoring, blood will flow away from the genital area and it will feel kind of clammy.
Finish with spoon breathing and feedback.
Oral Sex
After you have done the genital caress often enough to become comfortable with it, you are ready to try oral sex. Oral sex is a variation on the genital caress. Before I describe the exercise, let me say a few words about oral sex in general.
Many couples have either never experienced oral sex or find the practice negative or even revolting. For that matter, many people “perform” oral sex but either don’t enjoy it, feel coerced into it, or do it just to please the other person and get it over with. Oral sex is a sexual practice that is probably associated with more performance anxiety than any other practice, possibly even more than intercourse.
Having said that, I also have to tell you that oral sex has the potential to be one of the most enjoyable and healing sexual practices that you can do. Most women report that they reach orgasm more easily with oral sex than with intercourse, and that the orgasms they have with oral sex are really intense.
Many sexual self-help books talk about oral sex as though there are techniques that will guarantee orgasm in every sexual partner, or techniques that every man or every woman will enjoy all of the time. This is misleading. Being able to enjoy oral sex depends more on how relaxed and focused you are than it does on what techniques are used.
If you recognize that you have a negative attitude toward oral sex, relax. Be reassured that there is nothing inherently dirty about genitals. As long as your partner has washed his or her genitals and is free from infection, you have nothing to worry about.
Responsibility, Part 1
The following exercise is the first one that involves the possibility of exchanging bodily fluids. It is your responsibility to make sure you don’t transmit or expose yourself to a sexually transmitted disease. This means that for any exercise involving oral sex or intercourse, if you and your partner are not in a monogamous
relationship, you should use a condom. Sensate-focus exercises can be done with condoms, but doing so somewhat decreases the sensations. (See also “Responsibility, Part 2,” in Chapter 23.)
Exercise 22. ORAL SEX
The oral sex exercise is optional in this program. I encourage you to experience oral sex in the context of a sensate-focus exercise because there are few things as enjoyable as doing or receiving a sensuous, nondemand oral genital caress. Your tongue is an organ with a lot of nerve endings. Why deny yourself the pleasure you could receive by using it to caress your partner? You may be surprised to find that when the performance aspect is removed from oral sex, you will like it.
What if the genitals do taste funny or smell funny to you? We acclimate rather rapidly to odors; that is, after a few seconds, we find that we don’t notice them. Also, you will find that licking with certain parts of the tongue produces taste, whereas licking with other parts, such as the tip, does not produce taste. That’s because taste buds are present on some parts of the tongue but not on others. Allow yourself to discover which parts of your tongue are more sensitive and which you enjoy licking with.
If you have little experience with oral sex, don’t expect to enjoy it right away. It may take some time. But the best way to learn to enjoy oral sex is to do it often and to receive it often—both in a nondemand way.
If you are afraid that your partner’s genitals will not smell good, ask your partner to shower or wash before the exercise. In fact, it might be a good idea to shower together and wash each other’s genitals, or wash them as part of this exercise.
There are other things you can do to make oral sex much more enjoyable. One is to either partly or completely shave your genitals. It’s much more enjoyable to both give and receive oral sex if the hair on the genital area is shaved or trimmed.
Sexual Healing Page 21
