You can also do an erection peaking exercise with intercourse. Start with focusing caresses, and then have your partner stimulate you manually and orally until you have about a level-5 erection. Then get into the butterfly position, and, using plenty of lubrication, insert your penis. Thrust and peak up to erection levels 6 and 7 (and 8 and 9 if you can). End the exercise with ejaculation or however you wish.
You can do this exercise using all of the versions described in Chapter 23. You can do several peaks in a row with low-level erections, or several peaks with higher-level erections. Allowing your erections to go up and down will make them not only harder but also more reliable.
In addition, you could do several peaks in a row at the same erection level. This is a really good idea. Do one exercise where you do five peaks at a level-5 erection. Then do a separate exercise in which you do five peaks at level 6. Doing several versions of this exercise at different levels is probably the best way I know of to regain your erection ability. Repeat all of these peaking exercises in all of the intercourse positions, including (in this order) the side-to-side position, the female-superior position, the rear-entry position, and the missionary position.
Exercise 41. PLATEAUING FOR ERECTIONS
Plateauing using the subjective/psychological arousal scale as described in Chapter 23 will help your erections because keeping your focus on arousal rather than erection takes the performance pressure off of you. You can also plateau using the erection scale, with manual or oral stimulation or intercourse in any position.
You first read a description of the plateauing process in Chapter 18 on exercises you can do by yourself. You know from that chapter that there are four techniques you can use to plateau using the subjective/psychological arousal scale: changing your breathing, squeezing your PC muscle, changing your thrusting, and switching your focus. You also read a description of the plateauing process for premature ejaculation in Chapter 23. We’ll modify the exercise somewhat here so you can use it to help with your erections. To plateau using the erection scale, you won’t use the PC muscle squeeze, because squeezing the PC muscle can cause your erection to go down too much. Instead, we’ll substitute another technique: Your partner will vary the way she touches you. The first version of this plateauing exercise relies on your partner to gauge your erection level and adjust her caresses accordingly.
Start the exercise with focusing caresses, and then give your partner a front caress and a manual or oral genital caress. Next, lie on your back, and your partner will start to caress your penis manually and orally. When she sees that you have reached a level-4 erection (advanced filling), she will tell you that you are at level 4. She will take turns slowing down and speeding up her touch to see if you can stay at erection level 4 for a few seconds to a minute.
She should do the same for levels 5, 6, and 7 (and 8 and 9 if you’re really on a roll). You should start the exercise in the passive role, but as you reach the higher levels, you can start moving and thrusting to help you plateau. Finish the exercise any way you both agree on.
Repeat versions of this exercise with your partner doing manual and oral stimulation. You can either change your breathing, change your movement, switch your focus, or have your partner vary the way she touches you in order to plateau at erection levels 4, 5, 6, and 7. Then do a version in which you alternate each of these techniques. In other words, do one erection plateau by changing your breathing, and the next one by switching your focus, and the next one by changing your movements, and the next by having your partner vary how she touches you.
Here’s an active version of the plateauing exercise that takes place during intercourse. Do focusing caresses, and then have your partner stimulate you orally up to erection level 5. Next, get into the butterfly position and insert your penis. Slowly thrust until you are at erection level 6, caressing your partner’s vagina with your penis. Use whatever combination of techniques (changing your breathing, switching your focus, changing your movements, having your partner vary her touches) that allows you to plateau at erection levels 6 and 7. With intercourse, the best plateauing technique for maintaining your erection at any given level seems to be alternating the speed of your thrusting.
Exercise 42. KEEPING YOUR PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL AROUSAL LEVELS TOGETHER (FOR ERECTIONS)
This is a slightly different version of the exercise described in Chapter 23. This version is amazingly effective for treating erection problems. It is a very advanced exercise because it combines elements of the subjective/ psychological arousal scale and the erection-hardness scale, and it also requires a high degree of concentration and awareness of your body.
For most men, erections increase as arousal builds. Although erection and arousal are separate processes, they generally happen simultaneously. Men often have their hardest erections a few seconds before ejaculation. Men with erection problems, however, may notice that their erection tends to lag noticeably behind their arousal level. This partner exercise can help your erection rise with your arousal level. It allows you to alternate an erection peak with an arousal peak.
While you can’t will your erection to become harder so that it matches your arousal level, you can manipulate your arousal level to sink until it matches your erection level. Arousal (which is psychological) decreases faster than erection does. As you do this exercise, you will find that each time your arousal level goes down to come into line with your erection level, your erection level will increase with your next peak.
To begin, exchange focusing caresses with your partner so that you are both relaxed. Then pleasure your partner with a sensual caress of her choosing—a front caress, genital caress, or oral sex. Now lie on your back and shift into the mindset of the passive role. Have your partner caress your genitals with her hands or lips or tongue. Focus on the sensations. If you reach arousal level 3 and you don’t feel any erection occurring, signal your partner to stop the caress until your arousal level goes down to a 1. Then your partner can start to caress you again.
When you reach a filling-stage erection (level 3 or 4), check your arousal level. If it is higher than your erection level, have your partner stop the caress again until your arousal level is at 3 or 4. Keep peaking at higher and higher levels, alternating an erection peak with an arousal peak. Every time you reach a peak where your arousal level is higher than your erection level, have your partner stop the stimulation until your erection and arousal levels are the same.
If you repeat this exercise a couple of times, you will notice that your erection and arousal levels tend to stay together, especially at the lower levels. You may want to repeat the exercise another couple of times to practice this technique at higher levels of arousal and erection. Finish any of these exercises with orgasm and ejaculation if you feel like it.
You can also do this exercise in any intercourse position. Depending on the position, you or your partner may be responsible for stopping the stimulation to allow your arousal level to decrease. If you use the female-superior position, it will be your responsibility to ask your partner to stop moving. If you do the exercise in a side-to-side position, the butterfly position, or the rear-entry position, you will be responsible for both monitoring your levels and stopping and starting the movement to adjust your arousal and erection levels.
This exercise requires a lot of concentration, but I believe it’s worth it. The awareness you will gain of both your arousal and erection levels is invaluable.
Exercise 43. NONVAGINAL REPETITIVE PENETRATION
A lot of men with erection problems focus totally on being able to get inside their partner’s vagina. In this exercise, you will “penetrate” various parts of your partner’s body so that you start to think of every part of her body as sexual. Begin with a front caress with your partner. Then caress her genitals with your fingers, lips, and tongue. Put lubrication on your penis (whether it is erect or not) and caress your partner’s body with it.
“Insert” your penis into your partner’s armpit, elbow
, the back of her knee, the space between her thighs, or any other opening you notice. For another version of this exercise, alternate these insertions with insertions into her vagina.
Exercise 44. REPETITIVE PENETRATION FOR ERECTIONS
Before you begin, exchange focusing caresses with your partner; then do a nondemand front or genital caress or oral sex with her. When you’re ready, lie on your back. Have your partner take the active role. She will do a front and genital caress with you and some oral sex if she wishes. When you have an erection of level 5 or 6, switch positions and have your partner lie on her back with her knees bent and her legs in the air (the butterfly position). Kneel between her legs and put a lot of lubrication on your penis and on your partner’s vagina. Slowly caress the outside of her vagina with your penis. Caress her outer and inner vaginal lips and her clitoris. Caress your penis with your hand at the same time.
When your erection is at level 7 or so, slowly slide your penis into your partner’s vagina. Do a few strokes inside, and then pull out and caress her lips and clitoris with your penis again. Allow your erection to decrease one or two levels by stopping the stimulation to your penis. Then stroke your penis again, and allow your erection to go up to level 8. Slowly penetrate again and do several long strokes, remembering to breathe, relax, and focus on the pleasurable sensations you are feeling in your partner’s vagina.
Now withdraw and let your erection go down to a level 4 or 5. Use more lubrication and slowly penetrate when your erection is no higher than a level 5.
Repeat several of these erection peaks with withdrawal until you are confident you can penetrate with any level of erection. Notice that with a lot of lubrication your erection doesn’t have to be super-hard to penetrate your partner’s vagina. You can do this exercise no matter what your level of erection is.
Exercise 45. MAINTAINING ERECTIONS DURING INTERCOURSE
Suppose that you successfully have erections and intercourse with the exercises described so far in this book. What should you do if you feel yourself starting to lose your erection after you have been having intercourse for some time? First of all, remember that it is perfectly normal for your erection to get harder and softer during intercourse. For example, you may penetrate with a level-7 erection, feel it go up to level 8, then back to level 6, and so forth. If you feel your erection start to go down, the secret is not to panic. Use the techniques that you practiced in the get-and-lose exercise. Do not immediately start to thrust harder or faster or become more active. Instead, breathe, relax your legs, focus your attention on the feelings in your penis, and start to move more slowly.
The reason you lost your erection in the first place was probably because you were becoming distracted. Ask yourself what is distracting you. Are you thinking about something other than sex, for example, work? Sensate focus is the answer to distracting thoughts of this type. Is your erection going down because you are tired and feel that you have had intercourse for a long-enough time? Remember not to put pressure on yourself. Do not continue intercourse if it no longer feels good, and do not attempt to have an orgasm if you really don’t feel like it.
If you still have trouble maintaining erections during intercourse, try this erection-maintenance exercise. You are going to think your erection back up using intense sensate focus. You could call this exercise the “erection elevator.”
Be sure that you are having intercourse in a comfortable position rather than a position that is putting stress on your chest and arms. When you feel your erection go down, breathe, relax your legs, stop all movement for a few moments, and focus your attention completely on the feelings in your penis. Slowly begin to caress the inside of your partner’s vagina with your penis, making movements that are just barely vigorous enough for you to feel. Feel the warmth surrounding the different areas of your penis. Start with the slowest possible discernible movement and gradually increase your speed as your erection grows. It may also be helpful to think of this in terms of your partner using the inside of her vagina to caress the different parts of your penis.
Instead of relying on your partner to give you some kind of stimulation in order to get an erection, you are mentally providing your own stimulation by a combination of intense sensate focus and barely perceptible movements. For this exercise to be enjoyable, both partners should focus all of their attention on the feelings in the penis and vagina. Take turns moving, or move at the same time.
This exercise can be done in any position. It is easiest to do in a side-to-side position or with the man kneeling in front of the woman (the butterfly position). If you use the butterfly position, start the exercise without an erection. Kneel in front of your partner and begin to caress her vaginal lips with your penis, using lots of lubrication. Breathe, relax your muscles, and focus totally on the feelings in your penis. Use a masturbation motion if it helps you focus. When you have a moderate erection (about a level 6), insert your penis and do a few thrusts. Stop thrusting and allow your erection to go down a level. Then slowly start to move and focus until you are aware that your erection has gone back up. Thrust by tilting or rolling your pelvis rather than by tensing your leg muscles.
This exercise is similar to peaking, except that you use the physicalresponse (erection) scale instead of the psychological arousal scale. Your partner should remain passive while you practice allowing your erection to go up and down. She should focus intensely on her feelings in order to get the maximum sensual enjoyment from the exercise.
Exercise 46. ORAL SEX WITH THE MAN ON TOP
Do you have erections fairly reliably but find it difficult to maintain one when you are lying on your back? If so, try this version of oral sex. Have your partner lie on her side. Kneel in front of her mouth. Have her prop herself up on an elbow and hold your penis with her other hand. She can lick your penis and take it into her mouth in this position. She will be going “up” on you rather than going down on you. This position offers a number of benefits for erection maintenance. A lot of men find that gravity gives them a boost of blood flow in this position. Plus, it’s very arousing to watch your partner do oral sex from this vantage point.
In another variation on this position, your partner can lie on her back and you can straddle her chest. She can hold your penis and suck on it and lick it. You can be more active in this position and stroke your penis with one hand. You can “feed” it to her and caress her lips and the inside of her mouth with it.
Exercise 47. FLACCID INSERTION
You may have been getting partial erections but avoided using them for intercourse because you thought they weren’t hard enough. The purpose of this exercise (also called quiet vagina or stuffing) is to dispel the myth that your penis has to be rock-hard in order to have intercourse.
Begin with focusing caresses as usual. Next, you may do a genital caress or oral sex with your partner. Then have your partner do a front caress with you.
For this exercise, it is easiest to use the side-by-side scissors position. You should lie on your right side. Your partner will lie on her back at a right angle to you. She will put her left leg on top of your left leg and her right leg between your legs. Then you should scoot up against each other so your genitals are touching.
Both partners should breathe and relax. Your partner should caress her genitals and your genitals with some lubricant. If you become partially erect, that is fine. No matter what the state of your erection, your partner will gently fold or stuff your partially erect or flaccid penis into her vagina. She should first open her vagina with her fingers and caress the inside of it with lubricant.
It is sometimes helpful to slide the flaccid penis into the vagina by using one or two fingers as a splint of sorts. Rather than trying to insert the head of your penis first, she should place the penis along her vaginal lips with the base of your penis at the vaginal opening. Then she can gently push on the base of your penis to insert it. The head will follow. Your partner can then squeeze her PC muscle to make sure your penis is inside.
/>
The purpose of this exercise is not to become aroused, but rather to experience the feeling of being inside the vagina with no pressure to have an erection or to perform sexually. Once your penis is inside your partner’s vagina, it will be tempting to move or thrust. The first time you do this exercise, try to remain as motionless as possible. Breathe and relax your legs. Let your whole body sink into the bed. Focus on the pleasurable sensations of your penis enveloped in your lover’s vagina. At most, squeeze your PC muscle a few times to assure yourselves that you are still inserted. Even if you feel yourself start to become erect while you are inside, don’t move. Do this for fifteen to thirty minutes, then stop and give each other feedback.
If you repeat this exercise and are comfortable inside your partner’s vagina, you may begin to slowly move your penis. You can do this whether you have an erection or not. Think of this as caressing your partner’s vagina with your penis. If you become aware that your erection is going down, move more slowly or stop moving completely. Breathe and relax. Both partners should focus completely on the sensations in the penis and vagina. It is easier to focus if you move more slowly.
Practice the flaccid insertion exercise as many times as you need to, with progressively more and more movement, until you are comfortable with the idea that you can be inside your partner’s vagina whenever you want to, no matter how hard or soft you are. Repeat the exercise until you can truly allow yourself to relax and leave yourself alone whether or not you have any level of erection.
Sexual Healing Page 26
