chapter 26
Healing Female Sexual Arousal Disorder
Now we turn to the chapters in which we focus on healing women’s sexual problems, beginning with arousal problems. Remember from Chapter 8 that the current DSM definition of female sexual arousal disorder focuses solely on a woman’s physical signs of arousal. As I said in that chapter, in my opinion the definition should also include recognition of a woman’s psychological arousal level because in women the two arousal levels don’t always go together. The exercises in this chapter ask you to pay attention to both your physical and your psychological, or subjective, arousal levels.
First, some preliminary questions: Do you have difficulty becoming aroused? Are you aware of your sensations of arousal—both physical and psychological/emotional? Some women get concerned because they don’t lubricate adequately or often. However, I have found that lubrication is not always a reliable sign of a woman’s psychological or emotional arousal. Furthermore, the amount of lubrication a woman produces can vary with her hormonal levels and her age; it is a physical reflex that is connected to the touching of a particular vaginal area. A woman might lubricate without feeling emotionally turned on at all; conversely, she may be very turned on and still not lubricate.
Try the following three exercises. If you have difficulty lubricating even after doing them, be sure to always use an artificial lubricant during both self-stimulation and stimulation from your partner. Adequate lubrication is important for your comfort and enjoyment during any sensual activity.
Physical Arousal
There are two physical signs that a woman is aroused: lubrication, and increased blood flow to the genitals. The following three exercises will increase lubrication. Remember from Chapter 2 that a woman’s body has three sources of genital lubrication: the A-spot, the Bartholin’s glands, and the G-spot. Each of these exercises targets one of those areas. After you have done all of the exercises separately, you could do a single exercise in which you combine stimulation of all three areas.
Exercise 59. STIMULATING THE A-SPOT
The anterior fornix erogenous zone, or A-spot, is the whole front wall of the vagina between the G-spot and the cervix. It appears to be the area that is responsible for most of a woman’s vaginal lubrication.
To stimulate the A-spot, sit with your back against a wall or headboard with your knees bent and your legs slightly spread. Caress your vulva using plenty of lubrication. When you are ready to stimulate your A-spot, insert your middle finger straight into your vagina. Keep your finger straight and gently rub the front wall of your vagina between the G-spot and the cervix (see below for information about how to locate the G-spot). Use a slow, sensuous caressing technique. Alternate between stroking the A-spot and stroking the vaginal sponge (the area in front of the G-spot that surrounds your urethra and swells up when you get really aroused). Use long, repeated in-and-out strokes of your finger along the whole length of the front wall of your vagina. Gently rubbing this area for ten to fifteen minutes may cause you to lubricate.
Exercise 60. STIMULATING THE BARTHOLIN’S GLANDS
The Bartholin’s glands secrete a drop or two of very slippery lubrication when a woman is aroused. You can stimulate them during a genital caress. Remember that the Bartholin’s glands are located under the skin of your inner vaginal lips, about halfway between the top and bottom of your vagina. In other words, if you were looking at your vagina at the same angle from which your gynecologist sees it during your pelvic exam, the glands would be located at about the middle.
Caress yourself as you normally would, focusing on your sensations and remembering to breathe and relax. At some point during the caress, take the index and middle finger of one hand and lightly press on your inner vaginal lips about halfway between the top and bottom of the vagina. You don’t have to rub very hard to stimulate the glands; just lightly pressing or tapping is enough. You won’t see the lubrication because it is excreted inside the opening of the vagina. But you can feel it if you gently place your finger about half an inch into your vagina.
Exercise 61. STIMULATING THE G-SPOT
Remember that the Gräfenberg spot, or G-spot, is a very sensitive area located on the front wall of the vagina behind the pubic bone. It’s a little difficult to stimulate it yourself with your hand, but some women can do so. Here’s how.
Give yourself a sensate-focus genital caress with plenty of lubrication. Caress all the parts of your vulva—your clitoris, inner and outer lips, and vaginal opening. Use a position in which you are sitting up with your back against a headboard or wall. Bend your knees and spread your legs slightly.
Bend all of the fingers of your right hand except your middle finger. Stick your middle finger out like you’re giving someone the finger. Bend your wrist and insert your middle finger into your vagina with your palm up. Curl your middle finger back toward the front wall of your vagina and hook it behind your pubic bone, as if you were trying to touch your clitoris from the inside. That’s your G-spot. Gently rub the pad of your middle finger on your G-spot and feel it swell and start to pulse. If you’re lucky, you’ll also feel the area start to lubricate, and if you’re really lucky, you may actually feel a gush of fluid. If you have trouble touching your G-spot with your own hand because your arm isn’t long enough, either use a dildo to reach it (special curved ones are available for just this purpose) or show your partner how to stimulate it.
The previous exercises stimulated lubrication. The next few exercises stimulate genital swelling—blood flow to the genitals, or what Masters and Johnson called vasocongestion.
Exercise 62. STIMULATING THE CLITORIS
There are many enjoyable ways to touch your clitoris. Do this in the context of a sensate-focus exercise so you don’t pressure yourself to respond in a particular way.
Use some baby oil or other lubricant and gently start to rub the tip of your clitoris. Feel it start to swell underneath the pressure from your fingertips. Hold your clitoris between two of your fingers and squeeze it as if it were a small penis. Or, if direct stimulation is too intense for you, take two fingers and rub them along the sides of your clitoris. Note your response. Do other areas of your genitals swell up at the same time your clitoris starts to harden? As your level of arousal increases, notice how you can rub your clitoris harder because you can handle more stimulation.
One of the best ways to stimulate the clitoris is to use hot water. (I first read about this technique in The Sensuous Woman when I was a teenager.) Buy a shower massage device and install it. Lie in the bathtub and turn the water on your clitoris as hot as you can stand it without hurting yourself. (It’s possible to do the same thing using the jets in a Jacuzzi.) Alternatively, I’ve seen a type of round vibrator that’s encased in a sponge for use underwater. Enjoy the intense sensations.
When you caress your clitoris, to further stimulate vasocongestion, cup one hand over your pubic mound and rub. Doing so will stimulate the whole vaginal sponge area.
Exercise 63. MASTURBATING WITH A DILDO
Before you begin this exercise, purchase a dildo that is close to the size of your partner’s penis. If you’re too embarrassed to go into an adult store and buy one in person, you could order one from an adult-products retailer, either through a mail-order catalog or online (see the Sources for Sex Toys section, located in the back of the book).
Lie on your back and, using your hand, give yourself a sensate-focus front caress and genital caress. Next, put some lubrication on your vulva and inside your vagina. Give yourself a slow genital caress with the dildo. Keep your touch sensual, and remember to breathe, relax, and focus on the sensations. Use the dildo to slowly caress the different parts of your vulva, including your clitoris, your inner and outer lips, and your vaginal opening. Slowly run the dildo in a circular motion around your PC muscle. Then insert the dildo and use it to feel your A-spot, your G-spot, your cervix, and your cul de sac if you can.
There is no pressure on you during this exercise to r
each any particular level of arousal or to peak up to certain levels. These parts of the program will come later. In this exercise, just relax and notice whether the stimulation of some areas causes you to become more aroused than the stimulation of other areas.
Exercise 64. MASTURBATING WITH YOUR PARTNER’S PENIS
Share a sensate-focus genital caress or oral sex with your partner until he has an erection. Put a lot of lubrication on your vagina and on your partner’s penis. Then climb on top of your partner and use his penis to stimulate yourself. Pretending that your partner’s penis is a dildo, use it to rub your clitoris and your PC muscle. Continue for about ten to fifteen minutes. Finish the exercise by having intercourse if you both want to.
Exercise 65. GETTING ACTIVE FOR AROUSAL
One of the best things you can do to help yourself experience increased sexual arousal is to take the active role in a sexual encounter. For this exercise, have your partner lie on his back and remain passive. Ask him to close his eyes and try not to move. Pretend that his body is a playground or a toy for you to play with. Or pretend he’s asleep. Play with him. Stroke, caress, lick, or suck different parts of his body. Whatever you decide to do, do it slowly, sensuously, and without any pressure on either of you. If you want to climb on top of your partner and have intercourse, do so. Chances are that at some point in the exercise he won’t be able to hold still any longer, and you two can revel in your sexual play together.
Peaking
The cornerstone of arousal with a partner is the peaking process. In Chapter 18, you learned what peaking is and you practiced it by yourself. Chances are, doing so helped you reach at least the lower levels on the 1-to-10 arousal scale. If you have difficulty becoming aroused, you especially need to practice the lower levels of the arousal scale with a partner. In this chapter, I’ll describe different versions of the peaking process with your partner, as well as other options, so you can take advantage of the many ways that this process can help you learn to become aroused.
Before you begin the peaking process with a partner, review Chapter 8, on female arousal. As I mentioned at the beginning of this chapter, it’s important to remember that there are two possible arousal scales for women: psychological arousal and physical arousal. Psychological arousal is your subjective sense of feeling aroused emotionally or mentally. Physical arousal is genital swelling and lubrication. You can do any peaking exercise using either scale or both scales. I’ll make specific suggestions at appropriate points during descriptions of the next few exercises.
For all of the partner exercises, remember to begin with spoon breathing and focusing caresses, and to end with spoon breathing and partner feedback. You may want to review the guidelines for partner exercises given in Chapter 19.
Exercise 66. AROUSAL AWARENESS WITH MANUAL STIMULATION
This is the same exercise you did by yourself in Chapter 18, but this time you will do it with your partner stimulating you. Begin with focusing caresses, followed by a nondemand front or genital caress with your partner, if you wish. Then lie comfortably on your back with your arms at your sides and your legs spread. Place a pillow under your buttocks if doing so makes you more comfortable. Your partner will then begin a slow sensate-focus front and genital caress. He should remember to do the caress for his own pleasure and to caress as slowly as possible. Men, the way to make sure that your partner enjoys herself and receives the maximum amount of stimulation is for you to focus totally on what you are doing and to enjoy yourself.
Women, every few minutes your partner will ask you what your arousal level is on the 1-to-10 scale. You will be familiar with these levels from doing the self-caressing exercises. If you need to review what the different arousal levels feel like, refer back to Chapter 18. Focus on exactly what your partner is doing. If you are uncomfortable or feel anxious in any way, ask him to caress more slowly. If you feel he is “working at” caressing you, ask him to caress more slowly. When you feel your arousal increase, take a deep breath and relax your leg muscles. Your partner will lightly tap your leg if you hold your breath or tense up.
It doesn’t matter how aroused you become during this exercise. During the course of a twenty-minute exercise, your partner can ask you about your arousal level every two to three minutes. Tell your partner where you are; it doesn’t matter whether your arousal level is higher or lower than the last time he asked. Keep your focus on the point of contact between your skin and your partner’s skin, and relax your body completely.
It also doesn’t matter whether or not you lubricate during this exercise. Your partner should use plenty of baby oil or other lubricant so you stay comfortable. Just let your partner know what you feel. Try not to move around, because tensing and moving at this stage won’t increase your arousal level; in fact, it will only make it go down. Taking a few deep breaths and relaxing your muscles will allow your body to experience more sexual arousal.
Exercise 67. AROUSAL AWARENESS WITH ORAL SEX
Repeat Exercise 66, but this time your partner can stimulate you orally in addition to manually. The following instructions are for the male partner.
Begin a nondemand front caress. Caress your partner’s genital area with some baby oil. Gently spread your partner’s legs so that you can see her inner vaginal lips. Slowly begin to use your tongue. With the tip of your tongue, slowly lick from the bottom of your partner’s vaginal opening up the center of her lips. You will feel your tongue go over her clitoris, as if it were a speed bump. Repeat this motion several times, each time more slowly. Use the other oral techniques you learned in Chapter 22. Stimulate your partner with your fingers at the same time you are doing oral sex. During the course of a twenty-minute exercise, ask your partner her arousal level every two to three minutes.
Exercise 68. PEAKING FOR AROUSAL
Remember that a peak is a wavelike increase in arousal. You learned how to do the peaking exercise by yourself in Chapter 18. Now you’ll do it with your partner’s help. I’ll describe three different versions of peaking exercises with the woman as the focus. They’re very similar to the exercises with the man as the focus described in Chapter 23, on premature ejaculation.
Manual Stimulation
The first peaking exercise is peaking with manual stimulation. Begin by exchanging focusing caresses with your partner. Pleasure your partner with a front caress or genital caress or oral sex. Take note as to whether pleasuring your partner causes your arousal level to rise, in either the physical sense, the psychological sense, or both.
To start the peaking exercise, lie on your back in the passive role. Your partner will begin a slow front caress and then will move to your genitals. He should use plenty of lubrication. He can gently caress all of the parts of your external genitals first, including your inner and outer lips, your clitoris, your vaginal opening, and your PC muscle. It’s important that he caress really, really slowly, because you need to be able to feel very small changes in sensation. If you feel he’s going too fast or rubbing too hard, be sure to let him know so he can slow down. As a part of this caress, your partner can also caress your inner genitals, including your vaginal walls, your A-spot, your G-spot, and the area around your cervix if he is able to reach it easily.
No matter what area of your genitals your partner is caressing, if and when you reach a level 3, let your partner know by saying, “Three,” or, “Stop.” Your partner will then move his hand to your belly, thighs, or some other part of your body until your arousal has dropped one or two levels. Let him know that your arousal level has dropped, and he will begin to caress your genitals again until you report a level 4.
Remember to stay relaxed and to breathe and focus. As you reach each peak, say the number level out loud, take a deep breath, and relax your PC muscles and other pelvic muscles. Make a mental note to yourself about which body parts tend to trigger the most arousal for you when they’re stimulated.
Do the peaking exercise for about twenty-five minutes. It doesn’t matter how many peaks you are
able to do or how high you are able to go. If you don’t go beyond a level 3 or so, don’t worry about it. Learning to identify your arousal levels may take some time, and that’s okay. The key to learning to become really aroused is first to learn to recognize and become comfortable with the lower levels. If you can, however, continue peaking up through levels, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9. Who knows? You may even surprise yourself and have an orgasm. If you reach only the lower levels, practice peaking repeatedly at those levels.
Here’s what you want to pay attention to: When your partner touches your genitals, do your inner and outer lips respond by feeling bigger or fuller? When your partner touches your clitoris and then moves his hand away, does your clitoris feel harder against his hand the next time he touches it? Do you lubricate when your partner touches your vaginal opening? It may be difficult to tell if you’re lubricating because your partner should be using some kind of external lubrication, but sometimes you can tell. These are all signs of physical arousal.
Psychological arousal will feel a little different. Signs of psychological arousal might include drifting into a fantasy or starting to anticipate later sexual activities.
Because this is such a powerful exercise, you will want to repeat it several times, with variations. The first time you do it, keep it as simple as possible. Use the subjective or psychological scale. While your partner is caressing you, in addition to focusing on the exact point of contact between his hand and your genitals, also see if you can open your eyes and focus on a part of him, such as his face or shoulders or anything you find attractive. Then try a version of the exercise using the physical arousal scale. You could also do a version of the exercise in which you alternate between doing one peak with the physical arousal scale and the next one with the psychological arousal scale. When you have enough experience with the peaking process, you may not need to differentiate between the two scales. They’ll probably start to blend together in your mind. This is good, because it means that your sense of physical arousal (which is usually easier to recognize) is causing you to become more psychologically aroused. When this happens, your desire level generally increases as well.
Sexual Healing Page 30
